It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Writing helps me think, and I really can't do anything else right now. I would write in my journal, but my hand moves to slowly to catch what I'm thinking.

I'm trying to think about how much I really want to write about me. My dreams, aspirations, etc. Some of it seems too silly to say, while there are some that are too heavy to post. And it's those thoughts and feelings I'm dealing with now. :P

The Earth really is a fragile place. But it is so...magical.

I can't help but feel the electricity in the air when I look out the window at night and see the vast expanse between land and the moon. The perspective it gives is refreshing. It reminds me that I am only a small being on the surface of the Earth, and even the planet itself is a pale, blue dot in the universe. And yet, I can still make a difference. I, the small little speck, have potential to be something great.

When I realize that, I can't help but find beauty in everything. For example, today I found the beauty in a raindrop. It was perfectly formed and looked like a small glass ornament. And I loved the splash it made as it hit the asphalt. Then how the street lights look on the pavement after a good storm. It seems to bring out colors that weren't there before.

But the strange thing is that with all this beauty and potential, there is so much sadness. I don't know anything that is more difficult to say than goodbye. Maybe it's because I've said so many. Or because the people I've said it to haven't been in my life for years now. I miss them, and sometimes it hurts.

That is life right? We make entrances and exits into others' lives and they do the same to our own. With so many friends graduating and moving on, I've started to think about this more and more. It's not that I'm sad. I understand that you are going off to bigger and better things, and I know that I'm going to be doing the exact same thing.

I just don't like being the one left behind. I don't like to be forgotten. Trust me, I've been in that position.

But, it's not even that. I just like change so much it frustrates me when I'm not the one changing. I'm so used to moving around and new schools and people, that I don't know what to do when I'm with the same people for more than a few years.

I have a friend, Ginger, that thinks like I do sometimes. We are old souls and do the things that people 20-30 years older than us do. We like to reflect on our lives and think about everything that's happened to us. It's like we're talking about "the good old days" when they really aren't old at all.

I can't help it sometimes. I just think. And writing helps me organize that. Oh look, we're back to the beginning, aren't we? Haha. It seems appropriate. And that is the end. My head has marginally cleared, and that's all I can ask for.

Song Are Like Tattoos

I was making a few mix cds to create the "soundtrack of my summer" and wanted to post them. It's an eccentric mix, but I like it. and here they are:

[mohana]

1. blackbird-the beatles

2. rain-creed

3. heal over-kt tunstall

4. mixed tape-jack's mannequin

5. she is love-parachute

6. 5 years time-noah and the whale

7. be my escape-relient k

8. grow down-taylor berrett

9. weekend warriors-cute is what we aim for

10. let's dance-david bowie

11. boys of summer-don henley

12. the boy with the arab strap-belle & sebastian

13. i can see for miles-the who

14. the unwinding cable car-anberlin

15. rain-breaking benjamin

16. mrs robinson-simon and garfunkle

17. solsbury hill-peter gabriel

18. tangerine-knightsbridge strings

19. don't be shy-cat stevens

20. can't go back now-the weepies

[baby shark]

1. norwegian wood-the beatles

2. chai tea latte-angel taylor

3. slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer

4. the resolution-jack's mannequin

5. say hey (i love you)-michael franti & spearhead

6. homebird-foy vance

7. judy in disguise (with glasses)-john fred and his playboy band

8. after tonight-justin nozuka

9. angels on the moon-thriving ivory

10. sometime around midnight-the airborne toxic event

11. you make my dreams-hall & oats

12. la vie en rose-louis armstrong

13. world spins madly on-the weepies

14. blue & white-beth waters

15. fix you-coldplay

16. doubting thomas-nickel creek

17. chasing pirates-norah jones

18. crush-the dave matthews band

19. trouble-cat stevens

20. thunder-boys like girls

Cold Nostalgia Chills Me To The Bone

It has been one of those days. I know that it's only the second post, but I'm just going to go right into it.

I've been told that it's because I'm ADD that I get like this. But I fall into these moods where I want nothing more than to be by myself, and left to my own thoughts. Which, as I have discovered, can be dangerous. I hate these nasty sentimental times where I just want to remember. Problem with that is: remembering hurts too much.

So I move on.

And then I get like this again. It's a vicious and endless cycle.

I think that my issue is that I think too much. A redundant sentence, I know. I can't help it. Basically I spend too much time in my own head. Trying to figure something out. Or remember why something happened. I need to take my own advice sometime and pull a John Lennon. "Let it be."

Someone save me from this. Please?

Well, since Prince Charming couldn't make it, I'll continue on about the summer. It'll distract me.

SOO. I'd pretty much lost faith in the human race, or at least just those going through puberty and the teenage years, until this summer. I'm at a high school with a very small number of mormons. And those that go there don't really talk to me unless they have to, at least at school. I run in the theatre crowd, they are sport jocks. You catch my drift. But both Girls Camp and Youth Conference have caused me to rethink that idea. There were so many girls at Greenbriar that I loved to hang out with because we had so much in common! And I could randomly bring up in any conversation: "So what do you think the Celestial Kingdom is going to be like?" And they would know what I was talking about. It was awesome :)

Youth Conference was the same thing. I'd grown up thinking that having an intelligent conversation with a guy was a one in a million thing. But I found so many people that I could talk to effortlessly. It was phenomenal. One thing that I will always remember though, is something that Brenton said. It was right after the women's pull, and we were talking about how glad we were to get up the hill. He said, "That was harder than having to pull it ourselves. It's hard to just walk besides you guys, because we want to help so bad!"

I think the reason I remember that is because I hadn't ever met a guy that actually cared. Sad, I know. But they just don't come like that at Broad Run. It amazed me that there was an actual guy like that. Then I met so many more like him in that way. And it gave me hope. There are people out there that share my ideals and more. Thank you to those people, you know who you are. You've helped me more than you know.

Fin.

Make it so Number One

Summer 2010, best summer.

You always hear the stories about the "summer before senior year" whether its in a movie, cheesy romance novel, or song by Don Henley, Kid Rock, or whoever. But this summer was different.

I met some absolutely amazing people and went to both Girls Camp AND Youth Conference (long story about why I've hardly ever been able to do both). The two activities gave me a new perspective and I emerged ever more confident in myself because of it. And for that, I am grateful.

I've been to a family reunion where I got to give all the women henna(: It was a new experience for them. And went boating, swimming, and got to go into an awesome Bass Pro Shop.

Finally, for the past few weeks I've been camping with my family in some beautiful parts of America. Which was so incredibly fun! Despite the HOURS we spent in the car (6 people plus 2 dogs).

This summer has helped me realize some things. And change future plans. For example: my mom and I were going to backpack across Europe (specifically: Italy) for my graduation present. Now we've changed it. We're thinking that instead we're going to outfit me with my own kayak, tent, backpack, stove, etc. That way I can go off on my own in college.

While I was on my trip, I read some poetry (selections from NPR's All Things Considered) and found a line in one of Naomi Shihab Nye's that I love!

Everything we have learned so far,

skins alive and ripening, on a day

that was real to us, that was summer,

motion going out, and memory coming in.

And that concludes my initial post. In hopes of more to follow!