Miss Rumphius

As I alternate episodes of my Korean drama and Friends, I found myself here. Thinking again. I hate that, why can't I turn my brain off? Guys can do it just fine. But I can't seem to manage. There is always that nasty little thought sitting in the corner of my mind begging me to pay attention to it. I need to write it out of my mind.

It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.

I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.

You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.

Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.

There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.

ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.

I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.

I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.

There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.

Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!

Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.

It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.

I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.

P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.

Skin&Bones

I've reached a point where I just need to write in order to maintain my sanity. I get restless when I don't travel and don't write. There is so much going through my mind and people just don't sit down and listen any more. I just need someone to listen. This blog will listen and I want it to listen. There are some people who may want to listen to me but it just is not the same. I cannot tell things to people who want to listen and I know they do not know what they are in for. But that is why I come here. Listen if you want, shut me off if you want. I will take it either way.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that people overlook. I like to think of myself as the person who was put on Earth to notice them, to notice the little things. Tonight, my friends and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. I was debating with this one girl about what the word romance means. She was convinced that it was strictly about love and passion and attraction between two people. I disagreed. I believe that romance can be used to describe the magic of a situation and sometimes it can add to the romance between people. The dictionary says that romance is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I LOVE that definition. There was so much romance tonight, but not between people. Salt Lake City was brimming with romance tonight. The way the lights looked, the gnarled tops of the trees next to the temple, the Spanish-influence building South of the temple, the way steam flowed from the nostrils of the horses, the light sound of bagpipes coming from a street performed, the mournful violin, the majesty of the Christus statue juxtaposed with the cosmic backdrop, and the little children going over to touch the robes. It was all romantic. It was all full of wonder that seemed to disrupt everyday life.

That was all I had to say about that. Somehow I feel that writing more about it would ruin it or make it worth less. What more is there to say? My mind is still racing and I cannot figure out why.

I have been bombarded by situations all around that make me want to write, like an actual book. But that is a bit embarrassing and I won't go there right now. Maybe later. But not now.

So many different thoughts but none of them seem worth pursuing. I have felt so lost and inadequate this past little while, and now that I am doing a bit better I don't want to delve back into that. I don't want to dwell on hopelessly romantic (different definition) ideas because that will put me in a weird mood for the next few days and with finals here, I cannot bring myself to do that. Although I have realized that writing about situations that would inspire me to write something here usually puts those situations from my mind and that person and I am home free. I can forget about them and just go back to the usual dynamic. Nothing weird, because when I think about things like this and don't write them down I tend to internalize it and that is when things go downhill. I just think too much.

Okay, the only thing I can think about doing is writing about nothing and everything all at the same time. This next little bit will be a serious of ugly, disconnected thoughts that really have nothing to do with anything and will hopefully make me feel better. If you do not understand, please forgive me but I will not bother to explain. Unless you are dying to know, and even then it is debatable. Here goes.

That is hilarious. I just wrote this huge paragraph and it didn't save because I wasn't logged into the network. But I feel so much better. I'll write again, but this will be different.

Have you ever looked at the space between the moon and the Earth and marveled at the sheer immensity of it all? We are so insignificant and tiny. Oh man I am tired. Romance is just following me everywhere. Not for me though. It is never for me. Which I am perfectly content with. But I can't stand having my mind filled with it because it makes it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. It has just been one of those weeks. Everything has been beautiful, even if in a dark way, and full of potential that I cannot think of anything else. I want to share it with someone but there is no one that would listen. The one person I think who would but only does occasionally. Very much selective hearing. But I can say anything I want to here and I can take as long as I want to say it. I just want to go somewhere. I want to walk. I want to walk forever and not stop until I have seen all the world and am content knowing that I have met everyone that I needed to and saw all that I was created to see. I need movement, I need change. I just need to get out of here. It isn't a bad statement, I don't hate it here. I have a pretty darn good situation. But I just need to leave because my feet are starting to burn up with desire to move and I'm fairly certain I have developed a severe case of cabin fever. One random thing that has been bugging me all day. You know when you're hanging out with someone and you're having fun or at least enjoying yourself a little bit and you think the other person is too but then they talk to one of their friends on the phone and belittle you almost by saying "oh no, its only ---" or whatever? Yeah. I hate that. You are where you are so embrace it. There will never be another moment exactly like that one and so embrace the beauty of its transience and love what you're doing. Make the best of it. If you live to always be somewhere else, then you're missing out on most of life. Life is born out of the spontaneous moments of truth and joy, not out of planned and typical meetings. You need to step out of your comfort zone to truly take life by the reigns. Live it and love it and seize all you can. Live as though you'll never be where you are again because there are so many places to see and people to meet that it is quite likely that you never will. Make it memorable. If it is memorable for me, then I assume it is for you too. If it isn't I am sorry but my memories stay where they are. All I can say is that you are missing out, my friend.

Wow. That was long. But I feel better. And with that, goodnight moon.

Nights Become Days

Why hello my old, dear friend. It really has been too long. I feel as though you've changed so, or perhaps it is me who has changed. Either way, I am happy to see you.

Life has been...different. A very beautiful kind of different. I think the reason I ended up back on here is because I needed a little therapy session and in Writing we are doing a unit on creativity and I wrote something and I finally felt like me again. I felt sure and beautiful and different. A beautiful kind of different. So I have decided to write again. Why did I ever stop? There are plenty of things I could be doing right now, but I am getting the feeling this is more important. There is something that I need to say and we shall go on an adventure, just like we used to, and we will find out what that is together.

Where to even begin...

Where does one ever begin? Oh! Language how I've missed you! I have missed putting words together in the exact way I want, or more often than not it just comes out and I just say what I think and it makes so much more sense. My fingers are getting cold, but I'll continue to type anyways. It will simply be a slower process. I am sitting out on my balcony facing the mountains. The stars are hidden by the clouds, but they are so fantastic here! I have seen shooting stars, something I never thought I would. I have recently learned that one of the most wonderful sights is that of the sun setting behind the mountains and the reflection it has over the lake as I look out from the temple and you can see the juxtaposition of the night and day so perfectly as every little house in the valley begins to turn their lights on. That is only challenged by the moon setting behind the mountains and then the few moments after when the sky is still light and purple from it.

My roommate took us up to her cabin in the first few weeks we were here and it is right up in the canyon. We walked around and stuff, I was stunned by the mountains and the sheer magnitude of everything. That night we went to a huge rock that she used to go to and we all laid down together, wrapped up in a blanket, and we looked at the stars. I fell asleep underneath a blanket of cosmos and it was beautiful. There were so many shooting stars and just wonderful things to look at. Halfway through the night though there was a moose or caribou or something big that came by the rock and started munching on stuff...it was pitch black and we were freaking out a bit because it very easily could have been a bear up there in the mountains and the adrenaline from that kept me going for a little while. The next day we went and sunbathed in this lake (glacial runoff). We were so sunburnt! I looked like a lobster. We had a party that night and I think I was judged hardcore. But it was completely worth it.

This balcony is so perfect for sitting, thinking, writing, and just about everything. Let me just give you an idea about what it looks like...it is approximately thirty-five feet by ten feet and it is basically mine. My roommates and I use it but hardly anyone else ever does. I am curled up in my blanket that I made for a young women's project when I was twelve and I'm in sweats looking all cute freezing my hands off. But I am happy. Why have I not done this before? Finally writing again. I can feel my mind slowing down as I type. THIS is my ADD therapy, this is what keeps me sane. How have I survived?!

Well, moving on. What should I talk about? Oh, I know how I have survived. My parents bought me a little travel guitar and that has been my sanctuary. I am getting much better! I'm not good yet, but I'm better. One of my roommates and I have jam seshs. She is the vocals and I'm the instrumental. Our favorite song is "Someone like you" by Adele. That is possibly one of the most intense and beautiful songs. The lyrics are so incredible, and we always have to sing it. Depressing, but good.

I am trying to think about how I can actually begin to describe life here. It is beyond anything I could have thought. I know I hated the idea of coming here. I thought everyone was going to be obnoxious and in my face religious. Everyone was going to be perfect and the same. Everyone was going to be ignorant and painfully annoying.

Nope.

What I got was the biggest slap to the face I have ever gotten in my life. Yes, so many people here are beautiful and stylish and perfect. But there are so many real people here, like me. I lucked out on roommates. While they do some stuff that annoys me, they really are good people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My FHE brothers are fantastic and they are some of the sweetest and most genuine people. And fairly attractive, not going to lie. Yeah, it was hard coming here and my face suddenly decided that it was going to be ugly and breakout everywhere and I swear that everyone here has perfect skin. They are all skinny as anything and if they aren't then they totally know how to rock their curves. I am awkwardly in between. There are more homecoming court, valedictorians, and concert pianists here than anywhere else in the world. The most frustrating thing is that all those qualities are generally in the same person. I am nothing here. Nothing. School is hard and I feel like the dumbest one in most of my classes. But I have had such great experiences as a result.

I was not the kind of person to 'hang out' in high school. I always had to be doing something and moving so fast. There had to be a purpose to everything. But here I have changed. I just hang out whenever. I pick up my guitar and some people and I have jam sessions on the balcony or something. My roommates and I always are having parties of some kind or another. Not the typical college parties. But the kind that we remember for years afterwards and don't regret anything we do. We have so much fun and meet so many people.

Okay, I am just going to stop whatever I was going to say right there. None of that is feeling right. I was thinking about talking about boys, but that is not where I wanted to go either.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up or where I want to go and be. I am a traveler. I know that is what I want to do and somehow will do. I just need to figure out how. I also have tried to realize the kind of person that I want to become. And it makes me so happy to realize that I have started to become that person. Curling up with a book on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea is me. There are so many different me's that I want to be. I want to be the woman that can sit on the balcony of her house on the South Carolina beaches and look beautiful in a turtleneck and jeans with no makeup. I want to be the woman that can hop on a plane one day and hours later be knee deep in Ugandan mud as I write a story about the women there and the role that they play in society for National Geographic. I want to be sitting in a small coffeeshop listening to an old friend play and he invites me up to sing what used to be our song and I either sing or play guitar and I do it well.

These are all silly dreams. Of a silly girl. That has a silly, misguided look at the world. But I want that all to be me. You will probably laugh when you read this, who ever you are. But these are truly things I have thought about and want. I never want to be average. I want to take control of the opportunities that are out of the ordinary and I want to make them mine. I want to be able to look at the world and say thank you for everything you have given me. I feel like Pocahontas right now. "Do you still wait for me Dream Giver?" Because I am here. Dreamer. More so than I think I have ever been. That will never change. I am utterly impossible. And I apologize. Yet, I don't. I am not apologetic for who I am, but for who you think yourself to be if you feel the need to judge me. I am unabashedly Emily. I am a grasshopper, an artist, a dreamer, a scientist, and a tea drinker. I make my own henna and don't care that it smells funny. I laugh loudly. I dream big. I play my music so that you can hear it. I speak my thoughts. Some days I don't take my medicine. I won't fall in love. I am a dreamer and a cynic. I hike. I read in the sun. I sing when I know no one will hear me. I dance so that everyone can. I let you know who I am. The design in the stars is the same in my heart. In the broken down machinery of my heart. I am gun-shy. I listen to the rain. I cry. I smile at everything because I find life to be so funny. My language is sentimentality and life and change. I wish I was in black and white. I love the lines on my hand. I jam to Bollywood music. I watch Korean dramas. I eat seaweed. I have gone through six jars of peanut butter jars so far. I am so grateful for my wide open spaces, my room to make a big mistake. I drink my tea boiling. I hate my feet. There is nothing that compares to sitting on rooftops. I want my own love story but I'm too scared of anything to do anything about something. I want to dance in the Museum of Art. I have covered my wall with articles and pictures from travel magazines and film pictures I took and had developed. I am freezing on my balcony because I want to be outdoors, whatever that takes. I am in love with the world. I am in love with Amos Lee. I am in love with soul and all things beautiful. I love possibility and the world is overflowing with it right now.

Goodnight, until we meet again.

P.S. There are so many spiritual experiences that I've had and you might be hearing those later.

We just want love

Wow, its been a while. I figure now is as good a time as any to write because I'm not feeling depressed or forlorn. Two of my favorite writing moods.

Quite a bit has happened. I've graduated. I've gotten a job. I'm at college.

I am there. And I've been here for what feels like a really long while.

Where to start, where to start. Well, right now I'm watching the moon set behind the mountains and the way it hits the clouds would inspire even the most cynical to poetry. There are so many different things I could write. But I don't quite know where to begin. Basically, all I wanted to do with this post is get started again. This is my warm up, per se. To dabble my toes in the blogging world again and become comfortable with writing. I've gotten a little nervous these past few weeks because there has been a lot of pressure to write well.

I also just wanted to say hello to everyone! "And all I could say was hello."

It is getting late and I've got some cookie dough that needs eating, so I will talk to you again. Soon I hope. I miss my language. The way my mind would clear up when I phrased something just the way I wanted. I've tried here, but it all ends up in my thought book and I really don't know how to start writing it out on here. Due to my location, a fair amount of it is spiritual and I don't quite know how to put that all down yet. Then there are all my other issues that I KNOW I don't want to write yet. A good amount of it I don't want to express. At all. Yes, a good amount of that is denial but if I don't address it, it might just go away.

UGH My brain is tied in trying to figure out how to express everything I want! I'll brainstorm some ideas and then we'll go from there. For the mean time, good night.

Soliloquy of a blue guitar

Why hello!

Here I am, and I don't know where to go. But I'm happy and I just want to say something. This is my alternative to shouting something at the stars while standing on my sidewalk. See what I did there? Alliteration, that's what.

I just watched Ever After and that movie ALWAYS puts me in a good mood. There is something so very right about it, something that fits and always will. It is such a beautiful story and such a beautiful relationship. THAT is what I want my marriage to be like. And I wouldn't mind having a breathtaking story to go along with it too. Or a handsome husband, preferably a prince? Okay fates of the universe, I can deal without the last part. But if you could help me make the rest happen, that would be much appreciated.

It is just a good night. Late. But regardless, it is good. The stars are out. Almost full moon. Clear sky. Breeze. And I'm listening to a whole bunch of covers to some of my favorite songs (and they don't suck). I mean, who doesn't like an acoustic version of Vienna? Or Don't you forget about me? Yeah, that is what I thought. Right now I'm listening to a piano version of Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. Wonderful!

I'm not thinking deeply tonight. No heavy topics. Just lighthearted love of life. Finally. I feel like I've been so stressed lately, but here I am now. Relishing in the feeling of my feet under the covers, the hot tea I just had, and the breeze blowing across my face. I am here. I am present. The moment is mine. And I can do whatever I want to with it. This won't last long, but it will last. Hopefully until Thursday and past.

The clock ticks on and I must go. But first I want to post something I wrote the other night, it was a throwback to the more eloquent Emily. I don't know where she has gone, but this was in the same spirit as she. Here goes. I called it "Climbing trees at Hogwarts"

This is the way I want to stay.

Peaceful.

Content.

Warm with the cool night breeze on my cheek.

This is me.

Here

In this moment

I can survive

Nothing matters except the next letter

This is the way I want to stay.

I want to write beautiful, but that doesn't matter

I want to see the world, but I know that will come

I want to share this moment with someone, but not now

I want to be someone worth becoming, but that is all in the future

For now I write, and I think, and I do for me. And my family. Sometimes my friends

I look at the night sky because the only memories I have of it are between the man on the moon and I

Peace comes

I enjoy the time alone

In fact, I like being alone more than being with people

That could be a problem

But in the future

Not now

What happened to the Emily that could write all of this and make it sound good? The worlds that would flow like endless rain into a paper cup. They would come together and make a stream of consciousness that would flow over my being and somehow make sense

Among the selves today, I dreamt of someone asking me what I was doing and my reply being "Contemplating the universe"

Yet here I sit

A testament of my daydreams

Validation of sorts

Clack, click, clack, click

Tap, tap, tap

The validation comes. The vindication starts

My stream of consciousness is siphoned into a flow of words from the very core of my being

Poured out onto my bed, silver in the moonlight

Now I'm thinking too hard

I'm trying to make this nonsense into poetry

If you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it's a failure

Me barking up the tree of poetic ability

Failure

But peace

You know, I don't mind failure so much. I'l give it a new name: Creativity

Now I give it another: sleep

Dream for hours, yet only for fleeting moments

That is life after all.

Goodnight.

We could dream this night away.

Here I am.

Me. Myself. I.

Single.

And confused.

Not about being single, I embrace that with all the vigor I have for the past 18 years. But I'm confused about practically everything. Initially this was going to be a post of me ranting about my insecurities. But I'm just not ready to open up like that yet. I don't know if I'll ever delve into that dark pool, but when I do it will be with someone I trust. Not the world wide web.

I suppose that I should follow up that vague statement of confusion with an explanation for why I am in such a state...one thing is love. I'm not talking about high school relationships love, because I'm hesitant to say that even applies. We use that word so loosely now in society that it has almost lost its meaning. "I love you" is no longer a sacred phrase meant to be uttered only if you meant it and knew what kind of effect it could have. But when I talk about love I mean the kind that lasts forever. The kind that keeps you with a person for time and all eternity. As I head off to college, specifically my college, I realize that its in these next few years that people are getting married. I'm so young, I don't feel that I can be myself enough to make a decision that will affect my eternal life within the next few years. I honestly don't know if there is someone out there for me. I've begun to look around and see couples at church and stuff and I pick out things I like about each relationship. I know what I want my marriage to be like, but I need a boy for that. I have had only one official boyfriend ever. And that didn't turn out well. So my faith in the male race is dwindling. I see all the movies and shows that tell you what is 'supposed' to happen. But I need something real. Tangible. And I'm just confused about what my husband will be like. I know that he will be great and such. But I really don't know and I would like to be sure...If you're a dude and reading this, sorry if it sounds awkward that I'm talking about marriage. But it is on my mind.

I'm also lacking spiritually. But I don't feel comfortable going into that right now. That is between me and God, those times when I sit on the roof of my car...thought/prayer sessions? Yes.

The other thing is that I don't feel like I deserve a lot of what I get. Compliments and such, when people give them to me I either ignore them, deny them, or both while complimenting you back. I don't ever truly feel like I'm deserving of any compliments that I receive. Because I don't feel like I am any of the things that people say. So along with the whole husband thing, I feel like I don't have a right to ask for the best because I'm not..

ANYWHO. I'm not generally this insecure. There has just been so much going on and there are so many changes. Not the kind I like. I usually love change, moving and such. It is one of my favorite things. But this change is the kind that isn't unique and can hurt. Money, your future, etc...It is a buttload of pressure for anyone to face. Much less an 18 year old. So I'm adjusting. I'm also adjusting to the fact that now I have to work to have friends. There aren't any more 'forced' friendships. No longer will I be able to ask someone to hang out just because we have something in common and happen to sit next to each other in a class. Wild...

So if anyone wants to hang out, hit me up! Because I'll want to hang.

It just started to rain. My windows are open, my room smells like rain, and I'm writing while eating my mint ice cream. This is what I call a good night. Good ol' Billie Holiday in my ear. Joy and sorrow mixed together. This is my life. This is where I am.

Care to join me?

I must become the lion-hearted girl

So, I should be writing letters of appreciation to teachers and yearbook entries for friends. But tonight, I find myself doing none of this. I've had a fully relaxing day. I've got to go to school tomorrow to view my drama final project, and for some reason that stresses me out...I'm out of school. Why do I care? I think what stresses me out is the whole going back thing. I feel like I'm just ditching everyone I know, just so I can hand select the people I hang out with and many times just be alone. I feel guilt. I shouldn't, but I do. That is what is stressing me I think.

ANYWAYS. Instead of doing anything truly productive, I am looking at this website: oneword.com

One of the coolest ideas. What they do is give you a word and then a minute to write about it, then they post it. I know, I sound like an ad...but seriously. SO COOL. here are some clips of what I found under the word "EMBRACE":

"I've embraced a lot of things in my life: my actions, my regrets, and everything in between. I don't complain. A life with sorrow is no life at all.

The feeling you get to be held by the person you love as though you are the most important thing in the whole entire world. If he ever let you go you would slip from reality and drift away into the abyss. The touch that makes people quiver and shake and wonder and hope and love.

Two flowers from the same stem

Embrace life, you only live once. Life curves and sways and you never know whats next but there is always something next. One grand adventure after another without any control. Embrace the chaos and live.

Come. I am waiting.

I lost time, I groped for words. The inner editor should die as I embrace freedom. Freedom to be mistaken. I embraced my self completely, knowing that I finally see the light, where the love for words emanate; where it shall stay free forever...I hear my old self whisper "Goodbye, I spent good times with you."

No tricks. No nothing. Just simplicity.

This year drained me. Those arms refreshed me. There truly is no better place to be than snuggled inside of them. This has by far been the most difficult time of life, still looking back on these past twelve months, I would have to say WORTH IT. All of these hard times have been so worth it knowing that I have, to look forward to, and can greater appreciate an eternity, perfectly embraced.

All is well with the world. snuggled and safe. honey oozed from the nostrils of a sleeping protective dragon with a stolen cave where pressure and strife and anger cannot reach. here in the peace and warm we sleep embraced in...

That cool night, embraced by a midnight blue blanket of stars and constellations, felt like a dream. As the wind whipped through my hair, I couldn't help but remember the past, of what happened on a night like this.

I stood there, at the edge of the still room, eyes on his back.His neck was always so strong and muscular against my cheek. I listened as he breathed in deeply then turned, moved towards me, embraced me. Wow.

He embraced her as they wished that the moment would last for eternity. His eyes glistened and tears dribbled from her eyelashes. They just wanted to stay on that road forever, even in the rain.

I was standing on the corner of West St and 39th, it was raining and the drops were making their way through my sweater. My gaze was fixated at the upper window of a small apartment building. There I saw two shadows, come together and I embraced the fact that my life wasn't quite what I thought it was.

The night engulfs us with the stars above, mystery without and within. So enamored are we with the darkness, yet we flee to the light. When he embraces me in his arms and with his lips, I am terrified like I am of the darkness. Why flee to what is comfortable? Why not embrace that which embraces us with all of its dark and mysterious fury? True love is born from the night, not from the day, and that is when love's greatest expression is most greatly expressed.

I turned the corner...and that's when I met you. It was when I least expected it. I wasn't looking, wasn't searching for you. I wondered where you were for so long and you were right there-just around the corner."

Those are just a 'few' examples of the kind of stuff they have on this website. I think it is a beautiful idea, getting people's honest intentions and streams of consciousness.

The stardust of a song

I want people to hear me. I have nothing to say, and yet I want someone to read this. I wonder who exactly reads this...feel free to let me know who you are. I'm curious.

I go to seek a great perhaps. I look at the space between us and the stars and know that it is out there. The great perhaps and who ever it is that I'm going to seek it with. Maybe no one for a while. Who knows?

Right now I'm listening to my friend's playlist that he made me. The piano is gorgeous. It is transcendental. Possessing a melody that somehow floats between this world and the spiritual one, dancing the line of demarcation. The tunes of angels. I can't help but listen and look at the stars. They are forever there. The melody is somehow man trying to figure out why? Why do the stars remain there when humans do nothing to deserve it? Yes, science can explain it. But honestly and metaphysically why? I'm a poet. Stars are more than balls of hot gas. They are guides and sanctuaries.

Almost like this music. Maybe this music is what a star would sound like if it was constricted to a melody.

My iTunes is on shuffle. Strangers in the Night by Sinatra just came on. I have always loved that song. Why? Maybe because I always thought it would be beautiful to be walking along the moonlight pier and find some lost soul doing the same thing and fall in love for ever in that one instant. There is something so moving about fate. What are the chances? Somehow that always seals the love. In my mind at least. Against all odds and chances, the two right people met each other at just the right moment.

Darren Criss is on now. Do guys really think like that? If they do, why do they not express it? Seriously, girls would be all over a guy who knows how to express themselves like in Darren's song: "Sami". Okay, at least I would be. There is something so honest and true, yet beautiful and delicate about that song. You can just see him thinking of her as he wrote the song. Beating out the tune on the piano, three in the morning. "The way her hair falls in her face". It is kind of like Ben Rector's songs. Guys, girls need to hear this stuff. They need to know that they're doing something right. That they look good. That you love it when they push their hair back like that. It doesn't have to be in a romantic way. Just a guy letting a girl know she looks good.

This is the most shallow post in a while, please forgive me. And I'm off to bed. I'm going to try to go for a run before dawn. Think time.

No one would believe it except for all the people watching as you fly away

I just want to write. Write. Write. And write. I've been wanting to write something for a while, but never felt motivated. Or like I had anything of value to say. I've just been coasting for the past little while and have become lost in the absence of it all. I don't have to actually be mentally present for it, so I've gotten lost.

And here I am. Trying to find something again.

Lost. Lost. Lost. It is a Dave Matthews night. Sweet guitar, soothing beat, and words that mean nothing unless you make them. As everything comes to a close, I find myself shutting off from the people around me. Except for a select few, as in two. I try to make myself cry because I know that I'll never get this back. But I am somehow beyond tears without realizing that I ever really passed that stage. I went straight to hole in my heart. It is a familiar feeling. I feel empty. Completely drained of all emotion and left feeling as though I've always been this way. I've become the girl who stares off into space, thinking of nothing. It sounds boring, but its a void. What do you fill it with? My friend and I were talking about how we have been quiet. It isn't as though we don't have anything to say. We do. Most of the time. But it just isn't worth it to say it, this is where the void comes from.

Phases. It comes and goes. But in the end, it is always there. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to say. The number of people I want to say "I'm sorry" to. I'm beginning to realize I won't be able to do that. I can't bring myself to now. I've told myself that I would, but I never got around to it. I was scared I guess. Okay, I can tell now that this is going to be the most vulnerable I've been in a long time. The most honest I've been with myself for a very very long time. Now, I know I've hurt people. I've run away when they try to get close. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've been selfish. To think that I could hurt someone. But I have. I've lost a friend that was very dear to me, and I regret it. Not just because he seemed really amazing tonight. But because tonight made me realize what I missed out on. They tell you when you break up, that the other person "doesn't know what they're missing". I do. And I'm sorry for what I've put you through. You'll never read this but I feel better for just saying it.

And to all the people I've pushed away. I KNOW that some of you will read this. Know that I'm sorry. I will miss all the times we didn't hang out. Or even get to know each other better. But our memories will be some of the sweetest I have from high school. All four years. Thank you for being there. You have hurt me before. But we passed that, without even talking about it. I know your friends tell you what I say, and I don't know whether that is good or bad but there it is. I hope that you'll think of me every once in a while, and they'll be good memories.

I just can't deal with normal high schoolers. I can't bring myself to like what they like, say what they say, focus on the things they do without losing my grip on reality. I become no longer grounded in what I believe but on what society believes. That foundation is always moving, shifting, changing and when you are based on that you have no choice but to go with it and not lose balance. I feel like now, finally after four years, I have a base. I know who I am and what I am looking for. As best as I ever have before at least. Everything else has become superfluous.

I think of all the people I didn't get to know, all the things I didn't say, all the chances I never took because I was too scared. My brain functions weird in regards to memories. If I pretend to be someone else, I forget that time period. It isn't like acting, I remember that. How I felt, how the character felt. The swirl the dust makes in the stage lights. The live dusk of the theatre. But when I pretend to be someone else, I lose myself and therefore forfeit my memories. For example, when there is a cute lifeguard at the pool, I "perform" for him. Okay, that sounds dirty. But stay with me! I act in a way that I think would get them to notice me and I become the kind of person I think they would like. I don't remember much of going to the pool last year...enough said. This year I gave up. I knew I did that and I wanted to stop. I've embraced life so much more this year than in the past. Embraced who I was and found potential through routes that I had not otherwise taken.

I've gone with my gut. When I get a feeling to do something that is okay and is something that I've wanted to do, I do it. Like when I go to my thinking spots. There I become me. My feet connect with the Earth and my head with the Heavens. I exist in such a profound way that it is hard to talk to anyone about high school after. Because in my space I don't have to think about who likes who and crap like that. There it is me and my thoughts. My questions. My conundrums. Last time I went there, a friend came and joined me. That was seriously one of the best experiences I've had through high school. I almost cried because there is someone who now knows me, the ethereal and yet elemental me, without any of my pretenses. We didn't talk about high school. We talked about life, and the questions we had regarding it. Who cares about Chipoltle when we can talk about acceptance versus tolerance and the ugly yet breathtakingly gorgeous phenomenon that is change? Thank you for that night. For sitting on my car with me and figuring things out.

That is all I have for tonight. There is a whole bunch more, but I won't overwhelm you.

Thank you for reading this.

I don't have answers, and neither do you

So here it is. And here I am.

There is something that needs to be said and I need to find out what it is, or else forfeit all sleep tonight. Now what could it be?

Hermeneutic studies. Phenomenological research. That is what I'm leaning towards. We read a play in theatre a few weeks ago from a phenomenological book my teacher was reading for his doctorate class. Wow. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be affected like that. I've been thinking about it all the time and that is what has spurred me to create a monologue for our project on change. I like to credit myself with the birth of this project, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it is called "The Elements". Each person in our class is going to do something, either in a group or alone (or both), that is a tableau and statement about where they are in their lives right now. Then we fit them into an element and create this fluid creature that changes with us and moves in the direction we push it. It is a project unlike any other, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I chose to do a monologue of my own 'creation'. They aren't my words, I took them from the Fantasticks and Under Milkwood, but I wish they were. They say what I wish I could. But here it is, a statement on my position in life right now and on what I'm experiencing and wish to share:

You wonder how these things begin. It begins with a season, which, for want of a better word, we might as well call: September. Listen, it is night. Try to see it, not with your eyes for they are wise. But see it with your ears: the cool, green breathing of the leaves and hear it with the inside of your hand the soundless sound of shadows flicking light. Listen. It is night moving in the streets, the processional salt slow musical wind. It is the grass growing, dewfall, starfall, the sleep of birds. Time passes. Listen. Time passes. Come closer now. Only you can hear and see the movements and countries and mazes and colors and dismays and rainbows and tunes and wishes and flight and fall and despairs and big seas of their dreams. Celebrate sensation. Recall that secret place, you've been there, you remember. That special place where once, just once, in your crowded sunlit lifetime you hid away from the tyranny of time. That spot beside the clover, where someone's hand held your hand, where love was sweeter than the berries or the honey or the stinging taste of mint. Where instead of reading textbooks, tried to memorize the moon. The sleep of birds, drift through the live dusk of this place of love. It was September before a rain fall, a perfect time to be in love. There is Heaven on Earth, a green-leaved sermon on the innocence of men.

So there it is, and on that note I bid thee farewell.

So won't you come home and dance with me baby

Oh hey.

If I had written this earlier today, I would be going on a rant about how stupid high school is and how no one really functions on my level. As pious and conceited as that sounds, it felt like that earlier. I was thinking about hermeneudic studies and philosophy of dialogue and the meaning of life (no joke.) while everyone else is talking about what prom is going to be like and how she said something that was sooooo offensive that they might have to switch groups and her dress is exactly the same and they're friends with that group....UGH. no more.

BUT, this is not earlier and I really don't care about all of that now. Easy A and Ben Rector changed that. I'm falling back into that 'falling in love with love' mood, but this time it is different. I'm falling in love with life. Life has its own rhythm that only it knows and doesn't want to share. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Trusting in the Lord that it will all work out.

Easy A got me to thinking about boys and my whole love fixation. It really seems like an obsession, chick flicks, romance novels, etc...I've gotten over that. For the most part. I don't think this is something I'll ever outgrow, but at this point I don't mind. So anywho, boys. Movies like Easy A used to frustrate me to no end, because I could never find a boy like that one. I would be in a mood for days as I try to attract the closest guy I could find like that. Which obviously never worked out. But no more. This movie made me realize how perfect my eternal companion will be. Not perfect, but for what I'm talking about yes. I love how at the end of the movie Todd is just standing in her front yard and opens his arms, expecting her to come running to him. I LOVEE that. I rewinded to it like five times. I realized today though, I don't need to find someone who does exactly that. But find the attitude behind it. That is what is perfect. Find someone who is willing to open up so completely and embrace me in a way that makes it okay for me to go running to him like that. He'll also have to be strong enough to catch me...but minor details.

The same thing happened in AP Chem, except we were watching Stardust. I have always loved Tristan, the new one not the one obsessed with Victoria. When he and Yvaine were walking next to each other on their way to Wall and he pushes her, it is so perfect. They are so comfortable with each other that they can joke and tease and love it. My teacher commented on that part and said: "See! Look at how gentle he is with her." And he was, even though they were pushing and shoving, there was a gentle tenderness behind it. That is what I need to find. The base on which all I love is founded. I don't need the guy who does the actions but I need one with the motivation behind it.

Ben Rector only solidified all of that. I'm loving it. I'm loving today. I'm loving life. The moment, that is where I exist right now. I have no other worries outside of now. I don't care what is for dinner, I care about the chords I'm hearing now. Now. The moment.

I'll find my guy, maybe I've already found him but I just don't know yet. Either way, it will figure itself out. All I have to do is be myself and it will happen. I don't know who all reads this, but I'm curious about your thoughts. Please comment or facebook me or ask me a tumblr question about this with thoughts or questions!

This is so wonderful. Life is so good. I look around my room and see a mixture of all the things I've integrated into my life over the past few years. My notebooks, thought books, vinyl records, Audrey Hepburn posters and calendar, peace poster, a poster about world hunger, posters from my shows, books galore, mix cds from friends, paintings and my neutral duvet that somehow accomodates me and all of my craziness. The neutral brings it all together with my brown walls with masks and batiks hanging on it.

Today life seemed to have stopped just to be content. There is no reason in particular for me to be like this, I just am. And I am so grateful I have the freedom to be so.

The cure for pain

Jon Foreman. Go onto grooveshark. NOW. make a playlist and listen to it while reading this.

I finally have things to write about, but its as if they all tried to get out at once and became blocked up somewhere on their flight into existence. Those fleeting little words piled up together can become a force to be reckoned with. Not my words, they are small and insignificant. But words in general can hold such power. To comfort, to hurt, to push away, to pull in. I've done my fair share and more of pushing people away. I'm scared easily.

Surprised? I'd actually like to know what you think on that matter, send me a message about that or something please.

"Heaven knows I've tried to find a cure for the pain". What scares me? Goodbyes, relationships, people who know what I'm doing, etc...oh. and the movie 'Signs'. A friend of mine passed away yesterday, and it has gotten me to think about my life and where I stand with friends and acquaintances. We weren't that close, but I knew him and we've talked about just about everything. We just drifted apart this year, and now he is gone.

Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed and was cleaning up my room, I went into my parents room and picked up the guitar and started playing one of my favorite songs. My little brother yelled "Shut up" from the end of the hallway and that sort of set me off tonight..I was picking up stuff and just crumpled onto the floor. I curled up into a little ball and cried. I couldn't help it. The tears were for my friend who will never live to graduate or experience life after high school, for my lack of general ability in just about everything, and for the world. Everything is twisted. Up is down and black is white, good is evil and vice versa. I've gotten lost in the flipping.

But that will have to be reserved for tomorrow. I'm falling asleep at my computer right now.

Sleep well, I'm going to try to get some shut eye before the long day begins again.

You know where to find me.

Tonight is a Jack's mannequin night. I'm hovering somewhere in the limbo of confusion that exists between joy and pain. I feel neither, but instead am experiencing a strange mixture of the diluted versions of both. Maybe it comes with being a senior? But I'm sure a goodly amount of it is just me.

So I find myself curled up and writing.

Writing for sanity, clarity, and peace. What gives me peace is knowing that someone out there, I don't know who, will read this. That alone gives me comfort. I don't tell people about my blog, I don't post it to sites saying "Read this" or anything. This blog is for me and the people who know about it are those who either stumble across it or know me enough to learn I have one, or actively searched for it. For you, I am grateful.

Why do I keep drawing blanks when I want to write? It is just one of those nights I guess.

High school is almost over for me, and that realization caused me to look back on all my years of schooling. I've been to a catholic school, international school, I've been home schooled, and in addition to that I've been to three other public schools and now I'm settled. I never thought that when we moved back that we would stay. I didn't try to make friends because I didn't think that I'd need any. It seemed logical that we'd move somewhere and the people here would continue on with their lives and forget. But no. Here we stayed.

I've started and restarted this post so I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to write about, because usually I find something and settle into it know that it is what I'm meant to post. Tonight I had no such feeling, my thoughts are scattered but in a thousand different directions so that I can't tell the main place to focus. What I'm thinking: deciding on a prom dress, what I really want for my birthday is for people to write me letters that I can keep and read over and over and put in my memory box, AP tests are a bit stressful, improv show, ... the list goes on and on. But in a few weeks I will be free from all restraint, hello freedom. Hello life. I shall welcome you back shortly!

In the meantime, I need my sleep. If you read all the way to here, thank you. I just realized exactly what I need, someone to talk to. Not like I talk and they listen. But someone to have an active and equal conversation with about ideas, not just people. If you're up for it, just let me know.

Walls are caving in

If you play the song "Caves" by Jack's Mannequin while reading this, you will have found the perfect accompaniment. This is not a sad post. Hopefully. I'm thinking it will be more reflective and down to earth. It's late. The weather is perfect. And I'm listening to caves. It all leads to thoughts that fall hard like anvil raindrops. Despite the fact that it sounds like a bad indie band, that is the best analogy I can think of.

These thoughts are somehow hitting hard today and unexpectedly. They fall without regard as to where or when. I wish I had the talent to put what I'm thinking into music. Such a beautiful tableau when someone is enveloped in the music and is bent over the piano, creating something beautiful and straight from their heart to yours. No middleman, just pure and unadulterated pain, love, sorrow, loss, joy, and utter humanity transferred directly to that cavity you carry in your heart for those magical moments to fill.

But I am not a musician. This small plebeian will have to duke it out using words and world wide web.

Yet, now that I'm actually here I don't know what to write about. I want to thank my friends for being such great people and inspiring me as we've hung out this week. But that doesn't seem right. Somehow I always settle into a topic that feels right, I just need to find this one.

Friends? No. Family? No. College? Not really. The fact that I'm leaving? Nope. My birthday is in five days? Not even close. What am I supposed to write about? The transient nature of human life? Hah.

Simplicity. Peace. Being. Ah, there you are. This is something that has been on my mind for a good long while. And there it will likely stay for years to come. I've been trying to work on simplifying things. My room, my schedule, schoolwork, everything. Since we didn't go anywhere this break, I didn't get the same cleansing experience I usually do. Whenever we go to the Carolinas I always come back feeling more at home with myself and position in life in relation to myself and others. I get away from technology and I feel great. But this year I had no such luck. I almost felt as if I was tied to my phone. I've found myself longing for the beaches of Eddisto and Okracoke. Just sitting there. I was always at home there.

I like to find peace in the simple things in life. I'm just about the lowest maintenance personality out there, or at least I like to think so. Give me a backpack, food, and clothing and I'll be happy. I rarely worry about things, that is what gives me a greater view of life than my peers, other than being LDS, there is something else. "Don't sweat the small stuff".

I really have been thinking about this, ever since I saw Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to go to India with her so bad, to be able to look that deep inside yourself and find that inner peace, that is a chance in a lifetime. Someday that will be me. I know it.

Anyways, it's past the time I usually go to sleep. Good night and happy easter.

Oh those summer nights

This is going to be a super quick post. I'm exhausted and at this point it is very late. Considering the week I just had, at least.

Tonight is a beautiful night for thinking. Today I did nothing but that, think. About everything.

I sat out on the stage for a good while contemplating the fact that my high school career is quickly coming to a close. "And with it, all our dreams." It is wild that pretty soon I'll be off doing my own thing. Tickets have been bought, rooms reserved, now all I have to do is get there.

I want to thank everyone that I worked with last week, you guys are amazing. I didn't think I was going to miss anyone this much after meeting them so soon. Everyone from freshman up to seniors, I loved last week and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Only a few more weeks. I can't quite believe it.

I am the sun and the air

Let me begin by saying that I apologize too much. I had a friend point that out to me the other day, and I agree completely. SO from here on out, no apologies. Just me and my thoughts. Read at your own risk, I regret nothing.

Something that I keep wanting to write about happened a few nights ago. The weather was absolutely perfect. During the day I'd sat out on my driveway in the warmth and the breeze and did some work. It must have been in the 70s that day. It was glorious!

ANYWAYS. that night I had rehearsal and when it ended and I walked outside, I knew that there was no way I could let that night go without doing something. Anything. So, I get in my car, turn up the Smiths, and start driving. I find myself going towards this lake. I park and walk down to it and I'm completely alone. The stars are out, the breeze is blowing, and it is still in the solid 70s. I go down to the pier area and I just observe the night. There was thunder rolling in the distance, geese honking, airplanes, etc...Then within all that chaos I found peace. I stood there in the grass overlooking the water and I felt as though I was ten feet tall and could do anything. The world was at my fingertips. At that moment, I settled more into myself and understood more of who I am.

Then it started to rain. It was light drizzle and was enough to make me catch my breath because of the beauty of the scene. For a long time I stood there in the rain just trying to remember it. Store it in my brain forever. Soon enough the rain let up and I was left there just to ponder. I thought about a lot of things. College and how excited I am to be going. Scholarships. The musical. People. And how happy I am with the place I'm in.

Due to my late hours, this is all I have. Sampai jumpa.

I'm listening but there's no sound

Tonight is a night to write. The opening of the heavens has facilitated the opening of my mind. The thoughts flow together and have become this fluid entity that seems to have a mind of its own. Well, lets see where tonight takes me.

After the concert tonight, I was walking to my car in a mostly deserted parking lot. The rain was sprinkling and it couldn't have been lower that 50 degrees, so it was bearable. It all felt so perfect. All my cares and worries were suspended for those moments it took me to get to my car. I walked, as slowly as I could and almost wanted to just start dancing underneath the street light. The light rain made for this wonderful atmosphere of beauty, beginning, and peace. It was inviting you, telling you that you can follow your impulses, follow your heart, and if anyone is watching, your actions will make them appreciate you all the more.

Obviously, I'm a huge advocate of dancing in the rain. Doing anything in the rain really. There is just something so fresh and new that comes with it yet it does not seem to represent a new beginning but one built upon the foundation already laid.

Once I got in my car I just sat there for a minute or two. Listening to the rain and watching the way the light danced in the drops. Then as I was driving I pulled into the parking lot of this church along the road. I parked the car, turned off the lights, and sat. I watched the cars drive past and wondered if those people knew the same thing I did. I wondered if they could taste the magic in the rain. I pulled out my thought book and wrote an entry kind of along these same lines. With a bit more added there of course. But sitting there, I opened the door and just sat. And thought. I felt the rain fall gently on my hair and clothes and embraced that feeling, the feeling of being alive.

Like I said before, I've had a weird couple of weeks and I've been too caught up in some things. Mainly people. (But I don't want to add too much personal life stuff here. Questions? Text me.) Tonight felt so good because everything came back. My head is no longer this heavy weight on my shoulders, but it feels as if it has opened and I can now embrace so many more things. My new friends. My old ones. No reserve.

I look outside now and I see the lights reflected on the road and it looks like an artist's palette. Really, it is an artist's palette. We are the painting under the mercy of the painter.

I am exhausted, so even though it isn't late I will just end here. Goodnight.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Long time. Very long time. I've been hesitant to write because I haven't felt that anything productive would come out of it. I've been too hung up on my feelings to get past them and finally achieve some level of clarity.

I'm back.

Mentally aware again, and it is almost like I'm living again. Sometimes I go through these times where I get so caught up in what is happening and what people are feeling that I don't remember those times very well because I was too preoccupied to live. But not this time, I am awake and ready to embrace the world.

But tonight is going to be me slow dancing with my thoughts.

The image I keep coming back to is the sky the other night. The first clear stars of spring. It brought me back to break, when my family and I camped on a beach in South Carolina. I never wanted to leave. I don't think I have ever fallen in love with a place so quickly. There was magic in the air, and it hung in the trees like the spanish moss. It was almost as if time had stopped and all I had to do was to exist in this wonderful rift in time.

The moment I was specifically thinking of was one or two in the morning and I had to get up to go to the bathroom. (bear with me here). Since we were in a campsite, on the beach by the way, there were hardly any lights or pollution from the outside world. I saw the moon hanging in the sky over the ocean and I walked up to the beach and for a good while I just stood. I was mesmerized by the vast expanse of dark and light that unfolded above me. Everything seemed to make sense and be okay for those few minutes. Not wanting to end it, I lay down in the sand and just...was. It was in the upper sixties and the perfect weather for thinking. The way the moon hit the clouds and the way they reflected in the water, somehow everything was an inspiration and contained magic.

I could have been there forever.

Something I'm working on is maintaining perspective. It is so easy to get lost in the world and find important the things that the world tells you are important. Sometimes you may believe the world so much that you force yourself like things you think you should like, as opposed to what you actually do like. Follow your heart. Learn to paint with all the colors of the wind.

All I can say is that it is good to be feeling myself again. The same me that lay on that South Carolina beach, same me that climbed the great wall, and the same me that went out dancing in the thunderstorm when she was two and sang "Singin' in the Rain" at the top of her lungs. I am a compilation of every experience I have ever had and every person I have ever met. But that makes me who I am, for which I am grateful. I am grateful that I can look back and say that, on the whole, who I am is proud of who I've been. I love looking back and seeing moments that I know defined me then and continue to now.

Like that night on the beach, I am constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me. I wouldn't trade living for anything. It is so beautiful. The beauty in our sorrow. In our pain. And yet that beauty is complimented by that of joy and love. You cannot have one without the other. I would not have it any other way.

Into your heart I'll beat again

I've been thinking about what to write for my next post, and I never decided. I'm just going to go and type. We'll see where my mind takes me.

Life has been a little muddled the past few weeks. But I feel as if I'm finally beginning to see with clarity. My life has lined up behind me almost, and even though it isn't going perfectly or anything, it is as though I've learned to cope. So, if you read my last post...I sounded a tad bit conflicted. Well, I continued to follow the advice of a wise friend and continued to accept it and soon enough I was over it. Not over it as in I don't feel like that anymore, but more like I am able to move on and I know I will fully move on soon enough. I don't regret anything I wrote in my last post. It is all true. The only thing is that I acknowledged that nothing was going to ever happen, and I wasn't sure if I wanted it to. I don't even think you've read this. But I'm never sure, you have a funny way of showing things (at least with me). You're aren't talking to me now, okay. Cool...

I'm continuing on with my life. Stop me if you have anything to say. I'm all ears, really.

SO. Now onto the happy part of what I was talking about. It all started in drama. We are doing this massage therapy unit and I actually have considered becoming a massage therapist previously, so I was super interested in this. I've come to reach this deeper level of myself. I think of it almost as a connection of energy between these two people, and it a truly beautiful thing. The spirituality of that, mixed with spring weather and rain, combined with the fact that I am now vegan...equals this new and improved Emily.

I feel more solid, more rooted in who I am. The past couple of entries in my "Book of Thoughts" have been about how happy I am with who I have become. When I was little there was always a certain type of person I looked up to and it makes me so glad to see myself becoming like those people. I am growing into the kind of person I always wanted to be, and it makes my life so much richer to know that it has lined up and I am me. Elemental form.

I don't know how to wrap up these thoughts, but I am tired and want to go to bed. So I shall leave you with this.

Back to December...

Disclaimer about this post, I have no idea where it will go or what it will be about. All I know is that I need to figure things out and if I were you, I'd probably get bored. So feel free to skip this post and move on to the other, more interesting ones.

I've started this paragraph almost ten times now. (which never happens. usually I just write and the only editing I do is spelling, so this is weird.) I just don't know where to begin. I'll just start with my thinking today, an activity which I do far too much for my own good. On my way back home tonight, I took a detour to one of the many special places I go. I went there, turned on some Taylor Swift (another thing that is not good for me) and sat on the roof of my car and watched the planes go by in the dark. I sat. I thought. I almost cried.

There is this one thing weighing on my mind and, without going into specifics, it has been occupying my mind for some time now. Ugh, I'm sorry. Another reason you shouldn't read this is because I will be very, very vague. It is an ongoing thing, and if the person I'm talking about reads this....I'd rather them not know. Although I'm thinking there is little I can do.

ANYWAYS. I've been trying to deal with what I'm feeling and if I'm actually feeling anything. (Another reason not to read this, I sound like a total drama queen. It is such a small thing but for some reason it means so much...) I talked with a friend, who is wise beyond his years and also who I only really met last year, and he told me acceptance was the best choice. I've tried that. It worked for a while and I thought it had worked completely. But, then (like always happens) my mind ran away with me again. I feel like I'm back in square one. But square one came and passed a while ago.

At this point I'm blaming Taylor Swift for this romantic mentality. I keep thinking of all these Nora Ephron worthy snippets of romance ideas. Ideas like slow dancing in a field, looking at the stars together, and other such silly notions. My mind just likes to get carried away and go off on childish tangents. I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I would let my self feel like this. Again. I'm frustrated that I can't stop feeling like this. That I can't stop thinking about all of this. That you were the one who called it off and yet, now that I understand it, I want it back. That I'm not strong enough to understand it fully now. That I know nothing will happen. And I'm frustrated that despite all of that, I still am hoping that something will happen.

Emily. Why? Why me? Why now?

Now I'm at home watching Persuasion. On my way home from my thought sesh, I must have listened to 'Back to December' at least five times. Like I said, not healthy. I'm distracted all the time. I just want to go back to normal. To the way things were. Not the way things are now when they fall apart.

If you read that, I'm sorry. It was basically me ranting about .. nothing at all. And if you read that. I hope that you get it, when the other half hopes you don't. Anyways, all I wanted to do was to get it off my chest and out there into the big universe. This shouldn't change anything. I only hope that you understand.

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night

The stars last night were gorgeous. I wish you could have seen them. Even if you live in this area and we shared the same spot in the sky, I doubt you would have taken the time to really see. To stop what you were doing and take two seconds to look out the window and really see the stars and moon. The jet trails were highlighted purple with black undertones as they hung in the sky, flying over all of us. I felt so little and yet like I was a part of something so huge. It was almost as if I wasn't supposed to see it, like it was message between angels that humans are never supposed to witness. I know I talk about the stars like this for the majority of my posts, but it inspires me. So be it.

One thing that I wanted to write about specifically is change. Those changes taking place in my life right now.

It has been a year of change. And trust me, I know change. I've moved at least a dozen times, been to seven schools, so I understand change. And I embrace it, wholeheartedly. This is different though. These transformations and alterations in my life have been based solely on my decisions. Not because my Dad's job required us to move, or because of homeschooling and stuff. No. This time it was all me.

So, senior year: I've dropped debate, drama, and band. All these activities which have defined me for years are gone. I'm not an integral part of any of the departments or teams. Yes, I still love all of them but I am no longer actively performing with any of the groups [except for band classes]. It was hard, but I decided to do that. I was just about to justify the choices, but I realized that I don't need to justify anything on my blog. Thank goodness.

Well, so I dropped all of that. On top of everything I've dyed my hair. Brown. Platinum blonde to brown. And I really like it. But it is so different from the old me. I've lost the majority of the things that I was identified with. I have changed.

But it is all good change. I don't think I have ever felt more like myself. It is so much easier for me to talk to people, relate, and just be Emily. I don't know that I've ever felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I am totally and essentially Emily.

So, what do I have left, you may wonder? My faith, my religion, my friends, memories, experiences, talents, and now time. Time to be me and figure out what role I will play in this world. Where I will best fit. It has taken me long enough, but I am finally there. To that place where I can exist in no form other than the essence of my soul, the bare character.

Forgive me for rambling, and talking about myself. But, that is what this is here for.

These are our amber days

Real quick, I just wanted to post a few of my college essays. I think they are so cool! Props to my Dad for being a major factor in getting these done!

I am a curly headed world traveler who strives for excellence. My school years thus far have been an eclectic mix of theatre, debate, travel, music, and change. I am the oldest in a family of four, plus two dogs. I have been active in my ward and branch youth programs as the class president of the Beehives, Miamaids, and Laurels. Theatre is something I enjoy greatly, both performance and production. While living in Southeast Asia I was part of an improv and classical acting school group, and traveled to Beijing for a thespian conference. Recently I was in a major school play and I am currently a part of my school’s improv troupe. As a National Forensics League member I have been captain of the forensics team, won district titles, and competed in the national tournament. As for music, I am an accomplished saxophone player in both the wind ensemble and jazz band, and taught myself both piano and guitar. I have been on the school’s academic honor roll since sixth grade and am involved in the National Honor Society. I am fluent in American sign language and soon hope to become a part of the American Sign Language Honor Society. During the summer you can find me at a local barn as a camp counselor teaching kids how to ride, groom, and tack horses. I love camping, backpacking, and travel of all kinds. I plan to pay my own way through college with minimal help from my parents, and believe that only then will I truly value my education and choose a path that makes me happy and forces me to challenge myself. I enjoy challenges and learning, so college will be the perfect environment for me.

I lived in Jakarta for two years and traveled extensively in Asia. Travel with school groups took me to Indonesia’s national parks, the Krakatoa volcano site off the Java coast, to Bali, and also to Beijing to attend an international theatre conference there. I also traveled with my family throughout Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Borneo (East Malaysia), and Thailand. The human and geographic diversity built into these experiences have shrunk distances to bring the world closer, from the slums of Jakarta to an orangutan preserve, from Singapore’s glitzy Orchard Road to devout Thai Buddhist monks and Muslim radicals.

I learned very early that you have to face trials to succeed. My Mom, now a seven year cancer survivor taught me that lesson first hand. Although listing accomplishments would be the standard approach to telling you more about myself, I know that deeper lessons lie in our reactions to life’s disappointments. Most recently and thus most painfully, I auditioned for a play that for years had been my dream to perform. As an experienced upperclassman, I was sure to fulfill my dream. But alas, I was cast in what I saw as the smallest role. Although it seemed nearly unbearable, I went into the long rehearsals with the attitude that I would do what I could with the role. Although it was painful to watch others in the parts I had visualized for myself, I received many compliments on my performance that I know I would not otherwise have had. Another experience that I’ll take with me on life’s journeys.

And the winds that blow remind me of what has been, and what can never be

My muse tonight, the rain, is pushing me to write something. I don't know what that something is yet, but I guess we'll find out together.

Today...was a day of reflections. But not the passive, ponderous type. I was out doing and discovering things. I rolled out of bed feeling older. Why this doesn't happen on my birthdays, I don't know. Regardless...I finally felt like a senior. And I came across something from my freshman year, what it was is a different story entirely. I remember feeling so old when I received it. It was like "oh, now I'm mature". I couldn't have been more wrong!

That got me to thinking, what does it mean to grow up? Most people use the 'social norms' to gauge their maturity and experience, things like turning 18 or 21, etc..Others use actual experiences that everyone is supposed to have. Such as your first kiss, first love, or first broken bone.

Maturity and 'growing up' to me means so many different things. Whether I'll ever be mature, well I doubt that. But I know I'm growing up because I have a much more developed sense of myself. I know what I like and dislike, my strengths and weaknesses, etc.. When I think of growing up, I think of a song by Taylor Berrett called "Grow Down".

Life was easier when we were three feet tall

And when we made mistakes we didn't have so far to fall

Problems are so far away when you're so close to the ground

Why can't we all just grow down?

There is another line that goes something like "when planning for the future meant saturdays, calling up a friend to come out and play. and when the time comes begging mama to let them stay". There is so much truth in that. I really miss when planning for the future meant 'saturday'. Not 'the rest of my life'.

Back to the point...kind of. After I found that freshman memory, I was tempted to ask this person if they didn't feel that too. I feel the same way I did back then, age wise, but I have many more experiences under my belt and realize mistakes I made. Does that make me more mature? *sigh* I really don't know.

As I am in the home stretch of senior year, I'm starting to think about these things. I want so badly to leave, but can't imagine actually doing it. So many of these people that I see everyday now will never reenter my life. The hallways are filled with bodies that will soon become forgotten in my mind.

Plus, this is the longest I've ever stayed anywhere. Then why doesn't it feel like home?

You can thank the rain for this lovely and unrelated conglomeration of thoughts.

If a double decker bus...

Life. Hey. How've you been? Nice to have you back.

These past few days have been awesome. Well, kind of. We had exams on Monday, then a teacher workday and have been snowed out the rest of the week! That is great and all, but the thing is we haven't done anything. Other than on Tuesday, which was really good.

My mom took my brothers, sister, and me to the Marine Corps Museum. Best museum ever. My brother is in the NJROTC program at his school and loves it. He loves the regimentation and everything. He is captain of his colorguard team and is only a freshman! But we went for him. Because he wants to be a marine. That museum was so inspiring. There was a main atrium with a beam going from the ground to the ceiling, at an angle. It represented a mast, it had coins at the bottom and followed the old Greek tradition which meant that if you place coins at the bottom of a mast, you will return with honor. Along the ceiling, where the marble met the glass, there were quotes. Perfect quotes.

"In Vietnam, uncommon valor was a common virtue."

It kind of reminded me of Mormonism. So many of the things we do are uncommon in regards to the world, but when we get together it is uncommon not to have those attributes and things. That was an idea that took me way too long to discover.

ANYWAYS. It was a beautiful presentation of something very ugly. War is ugly. But this was a respectful and inspiring gallery. One of the men there was a survivor of Iwo Jima. There was a picture actually of him. He was a part of the red two beach invasion I think. The museum also held the two flags raised, the first one and the famous second one of the picture. It was incredible, all in all. I felt so inspired and proud for my country. We have such a powerful history! One we can feel pride for. The freedom that we enjoy is the result of numerous conflicts and millions of deaths. But so many of the men and women that died knew why they did and were okay with it. At least judging by the museum. It makes me want to go serve!

It was a good Tuesday. One that gave me a new perspective on life. There are so many greater things out there to live for than the pettiness of high school. There is something bigger than all of us. While that may not be our country, it is one of the best things we've got.

Well, it is late. Farewell :)

The world spins madly on

This is simply a random compilation of thoughts. I'm sorry it isn't going to be very deep. But it represents the state of my mind right now. A jumble of musings.

Here is something I wrote in AP Lit class about the black box:

"The Black Box is where I spend most of my time (when I am not in class or at home). It is filled with so many wonderful memories. On one wall hangs all the posters from previous shows along with all the graduates from each class. Thoughout the room are props from previous and ongoing projects. The room is designed to be ambiguous. Completely neutras so as not to limit the imagination of those who use it. It is a place that encompasses chaos and serenity both. This is because the thespians that utilize the space the most are those that find peace in the entropy of the universe. It is a place of creation and magic. Bonds are forged between people and also between those people and their words. The props are faint reminders of what once was, but also a strong force pushing you to what could be."

Bear with me here. There is a poem that I love. Very much. It is called: "A Finger, Two dots, then me" by Derrick Brown. I suggest you read it. It details the relationship between these two people. It follows them into outer space. That is where they went after they died. But one died before the other, and he waited. Although they were only balls of energy then, he still found her. Here is the part I love the most:

Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."

I think it is the sweetest thing. So beautiful. One last thing before I leave you with this chaotic assortment of memories and feelings. There is a video that fits tonight perfectly. Tonight the stars shine, and the cool breeze is the kind that keeps your body grounded while the rest of you flies off into imagination.