The Light In Demos

Writing on here feels almost like a desecration of what I have written previously. Stored on this little website is what I would describe as Em in amber. Captured just as I was and how I thought and the things I felt. Documentation of the human experience is such a saturated field that I do not believe I have much to contribute; however, I try anyways. Mostly because I believe that when I seek to gain the Avatar state that I'll have a head start on clearing my chakras.

Continuing to write here also feels like a clean middle finger jab at my sophomore honors English writing class in university. Shame on you, Deirdre. Making me feel that my writing was adolescent and boy centered. OF COURSE IT WAS I WAS 19. But, what I had hoped for -- a bit of a writing mentor-ship because it was something that I loved -- didn't happen because that is all you said. I wonder where my life would be now had I actually pursued that with you and become a writer. Where would I be now... I continue to love writing. That is apparent by my shelves and shelves of notebooks that only become more expansive each year.

I find it interesting how, as I experience life more and more, my experiences render me more and more speechless and without words to describe them. Oh, how can I possibly get down all of these things in my heart that are wanting to explode out?! I want to write about the genuine excitement I feel when I see the sun on the barley that sways in the most perfect breeze as birds sing and the whole sky is dancing watercolor madness. The little small and ordinary leaps of the heart as you catch the glimpse of a Maybe person and you fall in love a little bit more with the world. The flow of ink to paper as you write exactly what you mean in parsimonious terms. The thrill of inspiration as you find you have been on the path you've always dreamed of but thought was far away. The perfect song playing as you settle into a bath. Electricity flowing in your veins as you set out on a highway for something new or something old, but something.

There is so much that I want to be and so much that I am not. But I am so much more the person I have dreamt of becoming since I was a child, that I can take peace in that. And know that in five years, I'll look back and realize that I've become what I wanted at this age. I'm going to keep writing. Maybe not on here. But, I will. I promise.

Little Thing

"This life is a little thing."

Hello, Old Friend. Just two days ago I felt the kind of agitation of spirit that I used to get before I wrote. It was the kind of thing that would happen and I'd sit down at the computer and words would flow. I used to be able to write beautiful things. Now I'm older. And I haven't written for a very long time. The words get stuck and I am afraid of them. But here I am again.

I'm a writer. I don't know why I deny it. Not that I am good or anything, far from it. But instead of talking things out, instead of musing, instead of doing a lot of things, I find that writing is what helps me. It is what calms me. It allows me to see myself the way I've always dreamed of. I am more than myself when I write.

I don't write about much. No stories, anecdotes, scenes, adventures. Just life. I write about life and how I go through it and how it goes through me. So if anyone out there reads this, great. Everyone who used to read this probably has new emails and new things that they are doing and I am so happy for them. I am back though. I am here to write again and I think it'll help me with a lot of things. Thinking that someone out there has seen this.

Maybe you're a bot in Russia. Idk. but here I am.

B.S.U.R.

Maybe it is the stars, maybe it is me using this as an avoidance strategy when my room needs to be cleaned, or maybe it is the Edge of Tomorrow (entirely appropriate given what time it is)...whatever the reason I am here, and let it be known that I make awesome decisions after midnight.

Something I was doing a few months ago was chasing after the ghosts of tire-tracks I once knew; tire-tracks that were born of a small sense of adventure and pride, with a heaping teaspoon of hormones. I kept wanting to go back to that night when we were doing doughnuts outside that building, trying to see how black we could make the ground. Maybe if I went back to that night I could make you not hate me, make everything that followed not as frightening, I could have spoken my mind, and I could have been confident in making my mark instead of caring who was watching and what they thought. Just a few months ago, I would have gone over to that spot and stared at the asphalt until I was convinced I saw the mark of those tires and heard them screeching on the pavement. I only went back once. Once was enough to know that the mark wasn't there, we weren't the only two to drive that spot and constant traffic had eradicated our mark from that section of road.

I was left with this hollow feeling that I had hoped my pilgrimage would fill but instead it only increased depth. For a moment, I heard J. Gatsby pushing me to try to repeat the past. To reclaim those lost moments and make them what they should have been: filled with life, chances, and feeling. But I knew I couldn't go back; couldn't repeat the past. Try as I might, nothing was anything like what it could have been. Just recently have I come to realize that it is okay. It is okay that nothing quite turned out the way it could have; the past doesn't asked to be apologized for, only to be owned. To learn from your mistakes is the greatest tool to prevent other hollow pilgrimages.

//

The title of this post, B.S.U.R., is the first song on side B of this James Taylor record I have, and consequently it is played more than most because side B is just better. Anyways, I've been trying to come up with a blogpost for a while and all the drafts I have come up with have this sort of idea floating around it, hence B.S.U.R..

//

As I finish up this bag of Cinnamini Crunch, I realize that there is little I can add to this post. However, I would like to ask a question of everyone reading this: which way do you fold your origami crane? The answer could be instructions, but I'd like it to be something more than that. Answer this question in prosaic text with your eyes closed. Or just link me to wikihow. Anyways. It is late and I'm calling it a night.

All of My Days

Here I am once again, sorry it has taken so long. Although, really I don't know who that apology goes to; I think it goes more to me than any of you who are reading it. Time has gotten away from me and I haven't had the wonderfully cathartic experience of inscribing my deepest, strangest, and most dear thoughts in any medium in a long, long time. But I might actually get something posted tonight.

I have found this incredibly perfect song: Wolves and the Ravens. "I am easy to inspire, there is little I require...I wasn't yours and you weren't mine, though I've wished from time to time we had found a common ground...through the never-ending maze where the way is seldom clear, there is no map or compass near, I drive a ship I cannot steer..." I love that. It suits the night, the moment, and who I feel I am right now.

The last few months have been really hard for me (I will be as in keeping with my honesty policy on this blog as I can). Coming back from India to a place I haven't really lived since high school was not an easy transition, although I am coming to realize that it was the transition I needed to make. Change is not always easy; I used to think it was for me. I was determined to be different, to embrace every single kind of change. I've since realized that changing of yourself is more difficult that I had ever imagined. After getting back I realized that in order to become the person I wanted to be, I was going to have to start from scratch in a sense. Before India, I had never been honest to myself or with others; there were moments and phases, yes! However, I did not consistently act in accordance with who I was or who I am so I decided to change that. I've been working on it a lot, although many of you can't tell; I am loving how it feels. I can interact in an authentic way because I am being true to the divine spark within me and leaving out anything that makes me feel like less. That was the best detox I think I could have ever done. With that honesty has come sadness, heartache, many nights spent crying because of frustration at myself wondering why I couldn't just take the easy road. I, I have taken the one less traveled by. Looking back on the last little while, I don't think that my conscience would have allowed me to act in any other way; I have always had this need to know who I am and what I am doing and to always be true to that. The hardest thing is that I've been learning how to be a person again, I've rebuilt Emily from the ground up and she has been learning to crawl and walk and talk again and it was hard; it is hard. And it will continue to be hard until the day it stops. But I have learned so much, I couldn't go back now.

I am so grateful for those who have stuck with me in patience through this hard time, and been there to listen and such when I needed it. I have learned just by being around you, thank you!

There will be more to come soon. I am hoping that I can post more often now, fingers crossed! But it is mostly for my own sanity.

Just a little reminder that I feel keenly and is echoed in V for Vendetta:

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

I salute that strength of human spirit within you that you may have forgotten about. I honor the divinity that fills your eyes when you talk or listen or smile. I give thanks for the good which you do and do not know about. I pray that you may love you as none other than yourself. Every day is the beginning of your adventure; each and every day you have the choice to become who you want to be, even if that growth is painful. I pray you have the courage to make those decisions and the fortitude to carry them out. I pray that I may be as strong as you one day.

Find peace with the world and your place in it.

Now is the time to come alive. Heaven knows I am doing my best.

Flowers in Your Hair

The night is alive tonight, the hot air is buzzing with summer satisfaction. Everyone knows that this is it, this is our youth, this is when we make the stories we tell later on. Everything becomes desperate and rushed because we don't want to waste this, we know our time is limited. tick, tick, tick. You think you'll live forever, yet you know that you only have tomorrow. It creates a frenzied fanaticism and zeal for life that will carry us on through our golden years. if we forget to light the fire now, then we know that there will be nothing but cold ashes later on.

so we burn and burn in the hopes that we don't become one of those pilot lights that softly 'pops'. We want the world to know we were here, to be singed a little from its connection with us. we want others to have our scorch marks on them because it will let us know that we honestly lived, that we made an impact on someone and that they will never forget us.

life is full of forgotten moments. or those that are only half-remembered.

                                                                                             

so let's dream. let's allow ourselves to be vulnerable and more susceptible to burn. In dreams we drop our fronts, our masks, our offensive line. it is what stands between us and everyone else. that way we keep a part of ourselves just for us so that no one can hurt us completely. I am working on that, and it would help if everyone else was working with me. so if you read this, pay it forward and experiment by being vulnerable three times in the next little while. Inspiring other people to be vulnerable is just a possible side effect of this experiment. but I will do what I can to follow this.

That is all I have for tonight. Until next time.

Let's Tessellate

Dreams can turn from caterpillars to butterflies faster than you can blink. If you're lucky you can see the transformation. Too many people look away and suddenly se them as a butterfly. When you miss the actual transformation, then you are unable to recognize the butterfly for what it is.

I'm lucky enough to get to see it change in the cocoon, I know that it is growing wings and becoming colorful and rich even though I can't see it exactly like that.

Someday my dreams will reach into the stars in the way that I know they are meant to. My wings long to feel the moonlight on them and coast on the cool breeze. I dream of a midnight in Washington, beyond the rain clouds and above the Puget sound.

I apologize because I am like the moon: I am waxing poetic. However, I only have so much poetry and prose in me because I haven't practiced very much. But I am hoping that all changes.

I'm hoping to start writing more. This is all I have tonight.

∆Triangles are my favorite shape

Three points where two lines meet.

Toe to toe, back to back, let's go

My love it's very late.

'Til morning comes, let's tessellate.∆

Little Black Rain Cloud

I've never been the kind of person to ever be an Eeyore, but if you were to ask me what I am right now, I'd have to say, "I'm a little black rain cloud, of course."

There are many, MANY choice things I would like to say right now. Some of it pertains to quite a bit of sass I have been receiving from people as of late. I just don't appreciate it when I do not give any reason to deserve it. Granted, sometimes I do but this is not one of those times. All I did was ask a simple question and you just gave me more sass than the little spoiled cheerleader that cheered my brother 3rd grade football team, that may not sound like much but you never knew her. I haven't said two words to you all week, excuse me. AND WHO KEEPS EATING MY FOOD?!? Okay, I shouldn't rant blog because that gets me in trouble. I'm just a wee bit fed up with some things. So in order to diffuse some of this frustration so that I can find some cathartic state, I'll do something kind of like what I did before, I'll use pictures to describe what I'm thinking and such. That helps me to think on multiple planes at once; this multilateral thinking helps me to find some sense of clarity.

 This picture reminds me of the time when I found clarity on the top of a building under construction here in town. I technically wasn't supposed to be there and somehow I ended up there again. The building was the tabernacle and, for those of you who don't know, it is under construction. I went there once and some people already knew that. But no one knows that I went back simply because I found that state of construction incredible. This building is all brick, the inside is gutted and empty, and the spaces where the windows used to be allow for the moon to shine through onto the floor unfiltered. The effect is pure, unencumbered grandeur. It was stunning. It was all I could do not to dance across that dirt floor, that floor was somehow more precious and elegant to me than any polished marble floor ever could be. Somehow it was more sacred because of the way the light touched it, moonlight doesn't have the same effect on stone. I climbed to the top of the scaffolding and could just look. I saw a building that allowed me to feel connected to the earth, that is rare. Laying down and looking up at the stars with the spires of the building as a frame was absolutely incredible.

This is my favorite painting. I just came across it again, and realized just how much I love it. Just look at it, HOW PERFECT IS IT?! This is what I want. Or part of what I want. Brace yourself because all anyone ever talks to me about is relationships and any overheard conversation is about relationships SO it is obviously something that through association has been on my mind. But, anyways. This is what I want. Someone who will dance with me while barefoot on a beach. Most people would say that is fine when it's a sunny day. No. Give me rain, give me something like this that forces you to throw away all that you hold up in the sun. If you think that a beach is prettiest in the sun, then you have never seen one in the rain. It is my favorite place in the world at the moment I am there. I wouldn't go anywhere else. Although, that could just be my personality. I have a friend who told me this weekend, "Emily, you said you could be happy there but you could be happy anywhere! Whatever you do you will love it because you find something to love about everything!" Yup. I guess I just like to find a way to dwell in everything I do. (it's a philosophical term that is pretty cool, you should look it up)

Again, on the relationship strain. I have issues where I am incredibly cynical when it comes to my own relationships and such and I am a hopeless romantic whenever anyone else is concerned. Today I had a friend tell me that he is so excited to get married, and I never have been, honestly. I've never met anyone who makes me want to think differently. I see happy people and I believe that it is possible, a happy marriage is completely possible! But, it's one of those things where "that is nice for you but it just isn't for me". And that sounds really depressing, but that is just the way it is for me. If you don't like it, then stop reading. My self-worth is not founded on relationships, I'm too much of a lone reed for that to be. While sometimes I would like to put that trust in other people, I find that I am a better listener than talker. I enjoy listening more than talking. Everyone else has a more interesting story than mine, I can always learn from their point of view and I love it! Anywho, back on track about the picture. I want to someday find someone who would love a place like this just as much as I would. It is perfect. But I can't picture that person, so I enjoy it on my own. There is a quote that fits this: my alone is so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude. Yup.

GUYS. I'm going to INDIA this fall. My life has been tied to India for as long as I can remember, and my dream of going is finally coming true and I honestly can't believe it at all. I am going to study meditation! I just cannot get over how incredible this is. I had no idea a month ago that this was even possible and now I am finally passionate about things again. I am finding purpose in life and in everything: friendships, school, work, etc. I am no longer comfortably numb. I am excited and I feel things once again. While it sucks to an extent, I am alive. I'll be finding out what my red rubber ball is and I can find something that I am passionate enough about to do the rest of my life. Life has so much in store for me that I don't know, I can't wait to find out what will happen!

It has honestly been too long since I was excited about things. I can think again, I feel like me, and I am able to find joy in the little things. I don't care if I sound naive  because I know where I am and I know where I stand and how I think and if that is naivety then I embrace it will everything I have. Bring me life, bring me sorrow, bring me experience and I will show you truth and peace and the pure and incandescent joy that experience brings. I can show you how to become absolutely human.

These next ones are just pictures that I liked and felt applied to my life in some way or another. If you wonder how they do...then just add a comment about it and I can tell you.

Saltwater: Cure for Anything

This is something different.

I hope that in your lifetime you meet someone who you want to spend the whole night talking to; moving from Denny's to the library to an office to home and then to some store when you realize that you haven't eaten in hours.

I hope that you talk about the places you've been to, that you're going to, and you want to live. Because we all know they are each very different. I hope that you talk about people that you've met, those you miss and those you don't, those who have changed you and those you have not touched, those you loved and those you wish that you had.

I hope that they have read the kinds of books that you have and seen the movies you have seen so that conversation is never boring. I hope that they can show you a world that you have not seen yet and that you can do the same for them.

I hope that they like tea; when you talk through the night, I hope that you do so over a steaming cup of Earl Gray with a spoonful of sugar and some sweetened milk.

I hope that they want to change the world as much as you do. You can feel it in your bones, that fire for reform and for hope. I hope they are kindling for that fire and that you can set their bones ablaze.

I hope that you don't agree on everything, passiveness does no one any good.

Now for advice from an almost twenty year old. Based on a true story.

Never be afraid to speak the truth, you know who you are hurting and you know that they know you are honest. When you don't tell someone the truth, you are being false to yourself and to them and everyone gets hurt.

Sometimes you meet those people who you want to stay up all night talking to, and they don't feel the same way. Remember that you can never read a person's mind; maybe they do want to stay but they have other reasons that you don't know of for leaving.

People come into your life for a reason. Stop acting like God's gift to them, shut up, and learn. Observe. Ask questions and don't be afraid to break the rules you have placed upon yourself.

Make peace.

Don't be afraid to feel. Yes, I know it sucks. It "blows homeless goats", but that is beautiful. Not the goats part, the feeling part. If you open yourself up to pain then you open yourself up to a world that otherwise wouldn't exist. My motto recently is a John Green quote, "Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."

It does matter. Everything matters. If you find meaning in the little things, you will be happy. And sometimes the little things make you want to scream. To shout to the world that you are done playing, the game is rigged. And then scream. Yell till your voice grows shaky and coarse.

We will always remember those moments. Those moments when we felt alive.

Our skin buzzed with electricity, our stomach ached from possibility, and we thought our hearts would burst. Eyes wide, taking everything in. If our hands connected, we could power the entire city of Seattle. For a week.

Never stop living. Even though it is hard, you have power and that power can be used for implosion, explosion, or locomotion. Let it be the last. Do the world a favor, and live. Sound your barbaric YAWP. Let the world know YOU. ARE. HERE.

I hope you dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

I hope you tell someone you love them while they hold you in their arms.

I hope you find what makes you so excited that you could cry and that you do that, that you do whatever it takes to get to that point.

I hope you forget about me, that I fade to a distant memory that gets confused between reality and characters you've read about. Let me fade, I look best in retrospect.

The World is Your Underwear

I've been reading Born in the Year of the Butterfly Knife by my favorite person, Derrick Brown (well, second only to Rob Sheffield). In "To the Lightning Teachers" he says, "The world is your underwear. It's time you changed it." A to the men.

I have a tendency to make these posts weird and grey (a word that describes my life recently), and I am sincerely sorry if you've been reading any of those; but it is kind of a 'sorry, not sorry' thing because I'm only sorry that my stupidity is on display for the world. I'm a tad bit insecure about my writing, hence the hesitation in endorsing it. But this isn't even writing. I pay no attention to passive/active voice, colons, past participles, and other such sundry grammatical items. This is from my head. As I think it I put it down. The grammer is merely there as a vehicle through which to display the pauses and sequencing of thought instead of enhancing the meaning of any of this. 

Enough of that! I haven't written in a while and I don't want to write about grammer. I want to write about my future and crap. Actually, I really want to talk about the sky for the past few nights. The stars have been incredible. Absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it is because I haven't been able to see the stars for such a long time, but I am not sure. The other night I went to the store to pick up some stuff for work and I couldn't help but be moved by the openness in the air. Suddenly it felt as though my entire being had expanding to fill the new heavens and I had become a part of the atmosphere. I was more than a star, I was the entire sky. It had rained a bit so the air was crisp and clean and utterly perfect.

On my way back home I talked with this woman who worked at Little Caesars. As far as I know, she was in some kin of an accident that left her mentally impaired and she is still recovering from it. We talked about how she wants to keep her options open so that she can still be a rockstar if she wants to, how she likes to decorate, and how she has lost weight since the summer and plans to keep working out so that she keeps it off. Then while we were at the stoplight, she started telling me about the diamonds in her brain that keep the neurons firing. She said that the diamonds fit into the geometry of the brain, then she told me to look around and see all of the geometry in the world: in the signs, the cars, the people. She said that God made us that way, and he made our brains that way too. Then she was so proud of herself for making that connection, we fist-bumped twice over it (it was a big deal). But she made my night. Seeing people make those connections in ways that I haven't thought of yet is something I love! Her sincerity was touching and on top of the spaciousness of the night, it was perfect. I almost started crying as I left her to head home because I was so impressed by her. Seriously, it was a good night. Also, I love walking and that was the first walk I have been on in a while. So I was on cloud nine.

Now comes the hard stuff. The things that I don't want to talk about but I know I have to get out somehow in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. This blog was originally for me to just get my thoughts out and that is what it shall continue to do; never was this meant to cater to readers so continue at your own risk.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Straight up--no idea. I am a philosophy major. :SLKDJFLSLKSDJFOISDC(#(#*&@ODFLKC. There is nothing that I can do with that right out of college. I've always dreamed of doing something influential or important and I just can't see that happening with this. My biggest dream was to become a doctor and do the doctors without borders program and work with people who are in need of medical care. I respect the people who do that so much and that is a fantastic way to make a difference. To change the world. To make your life meaningful. I'm don't have the grades for medical school. So...hm. I could be a nurse or a PA or something, those are always options and I would really love to do that.

After college, I'm planning on doing some time with the Peace Corps so we shall see what experiences are in store for me there. I just want to be useful. That is my biggest thing I think, is that I want to be useful to the world and in the big scheme of things. I have to always be participaing in something big. I could never do bureaucracy like my dad, he was like me before the government beat the creativity out of him. That's a little harsh, but he is so creative and his job smothers him. He has so many ideas that he hasn't put into place for many reason, but still. A good amount of it is due to the fact that he was never meant to be at a desk. I never was. EVER. That is not the life for me. No cubicle, I am fairly certain that I would lose my sanity. Another option that is there is being someone who helps with outdoor schools. Maybe even with troubled teens. There are those programs where they take kids out into the desert and teach them how to really live life. ممكن...

It is hard because I have friends who are actually doing things with their lives right now, while I feel as though I am biding my time. I am going stir crazy, maybe that is it. Regardless, these kinds of things have been on my mind. My recreation class solidified that for me. We talked about the hedgehog concept in class yesterday and it really got me thinking. Here it is:

The kid leading the discussion asked us what we were passionate about..and I don't really know. It was in that moment that I realized that passion is what I was lacking. It was there and then it was gone. I need to get that back. But how? What am I passionate about? I love to experience things, I always have. I do things on my own and I just love to learn what happens and how I feel when I do something. I just love the ecstasy of experience, that feeling you get when you live life so completely that the moment surrounds you and you are completely present. You are experiencing life and you are sucking the marrow out of its bones. It is then that "I sound my barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of the world!" But I am also passionate about helping people. So i've got that corner down... I don't know what I can be the best in the world at. I have NO idea. I have a warped self-image though, so that might contribute to it. It isn't negative, I love who I am and everything like that. It is more that I just don't know what I am good at, it isn't modesty because I legitimately don't know. I don't do things because I am good at them. I wouldn't be in an arabic class if that was the case. 

But I do things because I like them. I enjoy the experience. When I run, I run because I like to move and see things and feel my body tire. The other day I was running along the trail and ended up at the lake. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my looking at the fields and all that I'd ended up all the way at the lake. That is an 11 mile run. I wouldn't do that because I like to run, that would be crazy! It is all about the experience.

I just feel completely naive when it comes to things like this. It is my birthday in a month, and I still feel like I am twelve years old sometimes because I don't have things figured out and everyone makes me feel as though I have to have my shiz together. Well, the fact of the matter is that I don't. Quite frankly I don't think that anyone else does either. They just know how to hide it better than I do, but I've never been good at hiding and I never want to be. My life is out there for you to read and I hope that you are kind in your judgements.

I want to travel, to live, to breathe, to shout YAWP from every rooftop I can. I love to find beauty in things (in the way dust swirls like pixie dust in the light, in the different ways that people walk and what that says about them, and the way I just ignored any kind of rule regarding parallell construction), I love to make the world a better place, and to become more of myself every day.

Those are my thoughts right now. 

Comme des enfants

The reason I am writing this is thanks to Derrick Brown, once again. "The design in the stars is the same in our hearts, in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts." There are so many thoughts going through my head, dear blog, I don't know who I will ever get them down and solidified into gauche words. To use an overused quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations." I feel as though they have a cosmic glimmer until they go down and become actual phrases and then they lose all of their magic and power. They become words instead of their own, breathing selves.

I don't really want to write about anything, but I feel as though I have to now that I have started. Also, I've been seriously slacking when it comes to writing on this blog. But I've been using other venues and such for my writing so that is why it hasn't ended up on this site.

One of my favorite lines from "A Finger Two Dots then Me" is "If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you, I honestly don't know. But I do know that I could still fall for a swish of light that comes barreling  cascading towards me. It will resemble your sweet definite hands. And the universe will bend and the planets will bow and I will say, 'oh there you are. now we can go.'" I don't want the kind of love in Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, or The Notebook. That is nothing compared to what I want. I want  a Love is a Mix Tape kind of relationship. I want someone to love me enough not to wait for me on the other side because they know that I'll make it to them. They will say, "oh, there you are. Now we can go." They are just a finger and two dots to the left of the North American moon.

I will always know where to look for them. Somewhere someone is looking at it and wondering the same thing. Actually, they probably aren't. But they should. They should take the time to look into the sky until they can see the depth of space, the point at which the darkness goes blue.

At another point in the poem, Brown asks what is really holy. That is a good question. To me, to Emily, to the self I am today this is what is holy:
The sea
Rain that soaks me to the bone
The spaces between snowflakes
The photographs I've taken and put on my wall
My favorite hiking sock with the hole in it
The shape of my hands
Spaces created in my heart when I look at a clear, blue night
Warm breezes
My copy of On the Road
Phone conversations with my sister about nothing
Using a big sharpie to finish the mural on my wall
My plaid shirt
Not getting more notebook paper because buying those books was more important to me
K'naan
Hedgehogs
Eye contact
Fear overcome
The day I really spoke with my family because we realized who we all were

Those are just a few things that are holy to me, at least right now. I think that if something is holy to someone, then that something is beautiful. There is someone who gets pure joy out of the experience or association with that thing and I believe that moment is beautiful and holy unto itself. What I love more than almost anything is hearing people talk about what they are passionate about. They light up in a way that I've never seen before and it makes me excited about whatever it is. Suddenly I am interested in it because I want to know what it is about that one thing that they find holy, enthralling, and important.

Here are my thoughts right now. Nothing terribly exciting, but I thought I should give you an update.

The Spaces Between My Fingers

Guys, I'm finally writing again and it feels really good. Not just here, I'm writing my own stuff too and I love it. There is a freedom in expression. There is also an inexplicable pain, one that comes from finding out exactly what makes you tick or realizing that something that you've kept inside of you is now out on the page and will never be a part of you in the same way again. But, you have to do that in order to make room for all of the new thoughts and feelings and bits of pain and sorrow and joy and curiosity.

Tonight, the moon reminded me of something bigger. The cheshire cat smile disappeared behind the grey clouds, as if the moon was calling me to follow it beyond the atmosphere. And I wanted to follow. This week and last I've been wanting to follow that moon along the flat and empty roads of Arizona, Nevada, California, and every other state around here. There is no greater joy that I can imagine right now than taking a road trip. Putting in some music, going to some place to go camping, and just hiding away from everything for a little while. Going alone is fun. But going with someone would be great. If anyone reading this wants to road trip this 3-day weekend has a car and wants to go, let me know. I'm down.

But just imagining myself driving down a road with the silver light of the moon making the asphalt look more silver than black, the sky more blue than black, and the entire world just seems better in the moonlight makes me extremely giddy. I'd make a mix, okay I'd make like three. I'd bring books on tape. I'd bring my guitar. I'd bring my favorite books. I'd leave my computer, my iPod, my kindle, and everything else that weighs me down. We wouldn't talk about homework. We'd talk about what it is like to feel immortal and other important things. I'd bring my sleeping bag and sleep under the stars. I'd bring my film camera and I'd remember all the beautiful moments the world offered me. Those moments make me feel alive. They remind me that I am human, but they make me forget I am mortal. The stars do that more often than anything for me.

There is a painting in the museum of art that I'll after that. This is the kind of moonlight that I am talking about. And skys that go on forever. I want that.

I am always having arguments with myself regarding how personal I want to be on this blog. The debate exists between two sides: I want to be open so that people know what I am going through and can learn from what is happening in my life OR I can just not be open and use this as a chance to get away and just express myself. I want to tell someone what is going on in my life and I talk to my roommate about it, but there are some people I just want to talk to sometimes. And this blog is one of those people and I don't know who reads this. I don't care who reads this because then I'd write to you. And I don't want to do that. Also, I am not a good writer and I feel like you would judge me. So many people write so eloquently and interestingly. I can't, I just write whatever comes through my mind. I tried to write poetry before, and some of it was good. However, that was too structured for me. There is a reason that I prefer Jack Kerouac over Frank O'Hara. I like O'Hara, but Kerouac gets me. He just writes and writes and it is beautiful.

That is all I feel like writing on here today, so goodnight all. Goodnight moon.

Nobody Loves No One

The title has nothing to do with anything, it was just a line in a song that I'm listening to and I found it oddly profound. Everyone loves someone in some way, no man is an island as much as he would like to think it (and that is coming from someone who pretends she's an island like it's her job). In some way or another everyone loves some part of someone. Maybe that is only for a week, maybe it is forever even after you are apart. There are some people who have these aspects of themselves that I have fallen in love with even though we aren't together. I guess that real and complete eternal love comes when you are more in love with a person's personality and facets than not. But I'll have to get back to you on that one because I don't know yet.

I am almost in tears as I write this, so much has happened and yet nothing has that I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Believe it or not, that doesn't happen too often. Not like this. So i'm trying to decide what to talk about first. (I'm putting off assignments and dinner until I say what I need to say, only I don't know what that is yet.)

Recently, I've been at a loss. The last couple of posts have been about that and it is something that I don't feel for long periods of time usually. More often than not I find my direction or I impose one on myself because I can't stand to just be spinning or sitting, heaven forbid, for any period of time. I'm like those ants that you try to get on your finger but they just keep hitting it and moving on. If they ever do crawl onto your finger then they are off in two seconds because there is another direction to go. So these past few months have been hard that way. If I don't feel myself moving, then I get a sense of peace that I am where God wants me to be and that, honestly, is enough for me for a long time. Until I ask Him again for confirmation.

But I haven't gotten that.

Or, I should say, I hadn't gotten it. Not in the way I expected. He speaks so directly sometimes that I miss it. I expect that same feeling of peace every time I ask for it. But He knows that it would not keep me moving. He has given me that reassurance through other venues and I'm grateful that I now know what He has been saying to me, even though I haven't been the best listener. I am on the right path. Various sources have given me that knowledge, many of them don't even know it. But let it be known that here I was and I moved and I walked into the dark. That is hard. It is scary. But the music of the night can change your life. If you keep standing underneath the streetlamp then you miss the stars. Sometimes you can't see the moon. Take that faith that there is a path in the dark. That if there is not a path, you will forge one and create the ultimate trail. You can always trust the Lord because He wants you to succeed more than anything. He has not given up on me, that alone has given me reason not to give up on myself, as tempting as that can be.

If you are reading this, if we have ever talked, know that I want the very best for you and that you deserve just that. The very best. If you say it often enough, then you believe it. That is not what makes it true, you can not believe something and it can still be true. Truth is not dependent on the human mind, but it stems from something bigger. Bigger than the sky. You can take part in that. Believe that you can and you can begin to find the truth. Regardless of whether you pay attention to what I am saying or not, the fact still remains that you are a creation of an infinitely perfect being and you have the ability to access that divinity. You have the right to the best things in life because you are the best thing. God believes that. I believe that. And you should too.

I didn't believed that for a long, long time. In my mind I was not worth anything. Yes, I had big dreams but it was for someone other than me. Someone who was more this or more that. Less this and less that. Never myself. This made me scared that I was living my life wrong because I wasn't like other people. I figured that if someone else was like me then that made Me okay. People couldn't think I was weird with any amount of validity because this other person was like that too. But there were some parts of my personality that were cognitively insuppressible. I could not hide that aspect of myself and that has become who I am in many parts. Mostly in private because otherwise people are thrown off by things I say or do.

I am a wonderer.

That was something I really discovered this week at the forum. This is also something that I have been thinking about for a long time too. Who am I and what is my purpose on earth? The answer that I've come up with is that I am meant to experience humanity and record it. The human experience. The little things that make reality. The parts of life that are magical, completely transcendental. What touches the soul. What numbs the emotions. Struggles. Successes. Loss. Love. And everything in between. I've always had the idea that I feel things different than other people. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen, however I do know that I can describe them differently in a way that people can understand. And that has to mean something.

What contributes to that is my constant sense of wonder at everything. Absolutely everything. I began to understand this when I was walking through one of the softest snow falls of the year and realized that I still feel the crinkle in the air between the flakes. That negative space is pure inspiration. I was walking home, it wasn't quite night, and I couldn't resist the urge to fling my arms out and feel as much of that energy as possible. I wanted to partake of it and drink it in. Pure, clean energy and magic. I doubt that a time in my life will come where I will not feel the delicacy of a snowflake and wonder. I wonder at how intricate it can be. How they can fall in that pattern. How they make me feel as though my soul has lifted me up to dance in the air among the flakes. The negative space clears my head, I can think in between the falling snow.

Rain is the same way. The time I feel the most beautiful is after I've been out in the rain and I've let it wash away all of the things I put up to hide in or hidden or ignored or suppressed. My soul explodes into my body and I no longer feel like a body, but rather a being that exists for that moment. For that sensation. To feel my hair fall in front of my face with a little curl in it while my toes push the ground away and I break out into a full out sprint. I feel as though my molecules absorb the energy around me and I can't stop them from moving. Whether it is joy or excitement or curiosity, I am enveloped in the incredible lightness of being.

Wonder.

I am here to answer my question. The thing that motivates me. If you have any idea what my question is, please tell me. I'm being completely serious. Text me, email me, tell me here if you don't want me to know who you are. But I need help figuring out what it is.

There are other things that I've noticed regarding relationships that I find interesting, but that is for another time. I talk about that too much anyways.

One theme that keeps coming up in my life recently, this is on a different note, is that I am single. Not in a depressing and sad way or anything. But maybe a little. Yesterday I went to the international cinema before I went scuba diving and realized something. At that moment in time I realized what I've been wanting all week. Someone. Someone who is there for me no matter what. I needed a body there to hold me tight and just be there. No one has ever really been there for me like that before, I've never cried on a shoulder. Yes, I've missed my chances for that. There have been opportunities and I didn't recognize that until they had passed. However, that doesn't mean that it is something I don't want. Yesterday I needed more than anything a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me close to their chest so I can feel their warm breath on my hair and know that I am safe and I am important. That they care that I feel happy but it is okay that I don't right then. I curled up in a little ball on the seat and just let everything from the past little while wash over me and it made that lack of human physical contact even more noticeable. But that is not something I have right now, and that is okay. Everything is essentially okay and that is good and right. I don't know why I added this, but I did. The feeling could go away tomorrow, or next week, who knows. But it is still here and there is nothing I can do about it.

Now I feel like I can go do some work, finally. I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day and week and I pray that you receive the best and that you begin to notice the wonder all around you.

2012: You and I were born to roam

I wanted to post this entire song, but I have other things in mind for this post. So, you should take a look HERE and check it out because it is beautiful and I just have to share it with someone. I'm going through my whole iTunes library and while there is a huge amount of bad songs, there are some gems. This was one of them. I'm making a couple more mixes for 8Tracks from them, so check there if you need some new music.

I've been thinking a big about the fact that this is now 2013. Life has moved on so quickly. I feel as though I have not written in a long, long time. Written as in really written exactly what I wanted to and in such a way that I could feel good about it afterwards. Funny how that goes, it is like I"ve been lost the past little while, a hollow shell of what I have been. Emotion just were not as strong, I was the epitome of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". I was just happy to sit there in a static and forever gray state. It was not depression, I do not want you to think that. I just wasn't there. I wasn't anywhere. My chest was empty along with my heart, mind, and imagination. Creativity was impossible. I am good at covering things like that, and I doubt anyone really noticed. I just seemed like an absent minded professor.

Thank goodness that I can tell someone this. I can't describe how good it feels to get this down and figure out just what happened. This blog always listens to me and regardless of whether someone chooses to read this or not, I know that someone has already listened. For that I am grateful.

Now I am inviting you to come into my world. I will try to describe things as well as I can so that you may be able to forget that it is me writing it. In my philosophy writing class, we discussed good prose. My professor said that the best prose is the kind that acts as a window through which the reader can gaze through it and see, unobscured, the object on the other side. Good prose does not have faults in the window because you do not want to attract attention to the writing, if what people remember the most from something you wrote is the way that you wrote it, then you did it wrong. I think that is one of the main things that brought me here. I want to write again and I've been so worried about writing it well instead of just putting on paper the thoughts as they come. I never know what I'm going to finish the sentence with until I reach that point. That is how I find myself and that is how I channel that. If I can somehow, even though I am extremely inadequate, allow you to feel what I am and see things how I do then I would know I am doing something in this world. Making some mark.

The thought crossed my mind the other day regarding how I want to be thought of, this was sparked by a comment from a friend. I realized that I didn't know how I wanted people to think of me because it had never occurred to me that people think of me at all. As far as I am concerned, I come into someone's life and then I am out again without having made any lasting mark. The concept of people remembering me is ridiculous and I think that is why I started this blog. So I could remember myself. This is not a sad thing, it is merely something that I've always thought. The first time my mom told me that my brother had said in his prayer that he was glad I'd be home soon from school for Christmas made me cry. The idea that someone actually cared that I would be with them soon was foreign and I couldn't believe it. In my mind I have never been worth it, not in the sense that other people are. I have always felt in the background. I move, I change, I do the behind-the-scenes work that is hardly ever given credit. And I have liked it that way, with that I can pass through people's lives and I can experience what they are and then I can move on when they do. No attachment because everything changes, and the only attachment is in the moment. At one point that person and I were friends and we are not now, but that moment was perfect. That kind of thing. Finding out that people cared really made me think about my life. I still do not think that anyone thinks of me unless I am there with them, but I thought about the way I act and if that reflects my mindset. And it does, completely. I've never been able to understand why I act the way I do, not really, until now. I don't know why I bring that I up, but there it is, maybe I'll need it later.

The best way I can think of to organize my thoughts is by putting up on here my favorite pictures from the past year, many of these have honestly changed my life or have at least had an impact on the way I view the world, myself, and others.

This picture sums up the entire year for me. 2012 has been a year of incredible risks of every kind and I am intensely grateful for all of them that I took and I regret those that I did not because I can see how those that I have changed my life for the better. The universe said to me, "it's time to take a risk, sweetheart. " because it knew that I had never really done that before. I've been enjoying standing on the edge of the cliff with my parachute, feeling the exhilaration of the possibility before me. This year was the time for me to step off that cliff and stop talking.

This is me. Not many people know that, and honestly more people know it than I am aware of. There is no place that I feel more like me than when I am standing there alone looking at something like that. I stand there and I wonder what could be more perfect. Of course, having someone there to experience it with me would be great but the thing is I don't know anyone who experiences things like I do. I soak them in and allow them to fill me up. Breathing, thinking, and not wanting to talk. Darling, let's be adventurers. I think of that song that I linked to the top whenever I look at this picture.

How beautiful would that be? This goes along with what I was saying before about not wanting to be thought of. There is nothing that I do that is worthy of being thought about because there are so many great things that could inhabit your mind. I am not important. But when there is someone that I care about, I want to be able to exist like this even if only for a small amount of time. This was a theme of learning for this year.

This has changed my life. I quote this all the time and I constantly think of it. Whenever I have a hard day, or I feel alone in a class or something, I look around and I notice the art that is around me. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserved to be thought of in this way. Regardless of your station, ethnicity, history, or any other category. Everyone creates art that should be loved. That is what I have been trying to do this year. I look at the way someone holds their cup of tea and that is beautiful, etc. There is a poem by Derrick Brown that I've posted on here a couple of times, but there is a section where God shows him a screen with his life on it and over every image flashes the word 'Holy'. Every aspect of life is holy. Everyone does things that are beautiful and holy. If you take the time to see the sensitive and quiet moments to find that, you will know what I mean. It is the breath before the kiss. It is the way someone does their hair. The way someone eats their Subway sandwich. Holy.

Remembering to take things one at a time and appreciate the small things is what has kept me sane. This list helps me put things in perspective. While it is a little silly, okay it is hugely silly, it actually helped. I could look at it and realize the things that I actually want out of life. A yoga guru that I've been watching says that "If you sweat and laugh once a day, then that is the healthy life." And I believe that, in addition to "Anything can be cured with saltwater: tears, sweat, or the sea." I am still hopelessly romantic about the sea, but regardless I am able to think less on where I am now and instead where and who I want to be.

I needed to do that a huge amount this year. More than ever before. Initially, I could find peace and joy though my interactions with others. That is what energized me and that is how I kept myself from going crazy. However, this year it has been filled with much more introspection. Being with myself is when I have felt the most peace. Experiencing things on my own through a lens that is marred only by my own perceptions of the world has been freeing to the highest possible degree. Freeing myself and freeing my spirit. Another yoga instructor says that in everyday life, if you are stressed or lost just find your pose. find your breath. and there you will find yourself.

In keeping with this theme, I have had to figure out what it means to truly be alive. To experience things. To somehow figure out how to open my heart to the world, to pain. It goes right along with this other picture. I am afraid to say things, to love people, and afraid to go some places. I didn't realize it was because they would hurt until I read this. And I knew that was why. Those things matter and up till now I have been living somewhat of a half life. Now I am doing things that matter and can actually make a difference in my life. Up until now I have been the only one who knows these things. I hope you can do something useful with them.

What matters are these things. In the end, no one cares how you did in college. No one asks you how many books you read or how much music you wrote. Quantity does not matter. Nothing with quantity matters. How many people have you loved? That is not the question that is important. The real question is how have you loved? how deeply? how truly? how completely? Did you learn what true love is? Did you learn who you are? Did you find beauty in the world around you? Did you try things that scared you and did you learn from them? Did you make mistakes? How did you use that knowledge?

Those are the things that matter. I haven't figured anything out. Not really. But I am further along in my confusion than I was at the beginning of the year. I've listened to music that moved me, I found out some previously unknown aspects of myself, I found beauty, there was sweat and tears and laughter and the ocean, I made friends who have changed my life for the better, and I know my Savior more at the end of this year than I ever could have last January. Is there any other way to measure success?

Thanks 2012, you mattered to me.

Tomorrow Never Knows

"I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic..." "They kind of go hand in hand." -Easy A

Now I will have "Pocketful of Sunshine" going through my head for a whole week. "You are on crack! And not the good kind!" Gah. This is a great movie. My sister and I are just hanging out watching it and dying. SO quotable. Sorry if you don't like it. Just kidding, I'm not sorry about it because I like this movie. "What do you think I have down there? A gnome?" Classic.

All that I want to do is write. Watching Emma Stone talk about how she wishes that John Hughes directed her life makes me want to write again. This kills me because I don't know how to write. There are so many better stories than I could ever come up with. Not even close, and I don't want to do that halfway. Easy A is one of them. She speaks with such honesty, it makes me involved in the movie. There is just something charming about it that sticks with me. And I don't mean that all of it was charming, because it wasn't. But her character and the character of that guy. I think that it was written well and Emma Stone acted it impeccably.

My mind... man. This is so frustrating. My mind is so full of things to say and I have no idea on how to say them. The past few days I've been doing that so much. I can't even talk right because my ideas all decide that they want to be said at the same time.

"What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it?" Woodchuck Todd, you have a way with words. Every time I hear "Don't You Forget About Me", I am filled with this bizarre happiness that comes from the contentment of everything being alright. Everything is well and good and that is perfect for that time. There are few things that make me feel so real, so down to earth so quickly as that song does.

Here is a little bit of a brief look into my tiny little life. The holidays are absolutely fantastic. I've made a huge amount of cookies, done butt-loads of yoga, and hung out with my family. Major highlight was finding out my gym had a climbing wall that had a huge amount of free climbing hours and so I can just go whenever and climb, glory halleluja! Plus there is this fantastic dirt bike trail that I'm going to go and try out tomorrow after I get some work and yoga in. It is going to be fantastic.

Although I didn't write anything of importance here, mostly because I've written a huge amount already but I ended up deleting it because it was incredibly stupid and basically involved me reflecting on silly things that don't matter any more. This is much better and I leave with a good feeling.

Keep in mind that this blog was never written to be read, so sorry if you just wasted a couple minutes reading this. But this is kind of how things go. And I went on and wrote a good amount of other stuff, but again it was censored for the better. ANYWHO good night.

Pupusas and Petrichor

So much to cover and this is the latest that I have been up in a long time. There's no time like the present, and here. we. go.

Thanksgiving. Possibly the best holiday ever, which is bizarre because I spent it alone for the most part. But just wait, I'll explain. It really was not as sad as that sounds. My extremely generous extended family gave me use of one of their cars for that holiday! The plan was to head up to Idaho to stay with my grandparents. I planned a couple of stops along the way and turned a trip that was meant to only take 4.5 hours into a whole day affair. My roommate dropped me off at the car, and I settled in for a ride. I'd picked up a couple of different AV cords so that I could play the best roadtrip playlist that had hitherto ever been created (it took me an entire week and a half to craft that beauty). However, the car didn't have either an AV jack or a tape player, so country music it was (at least 70% of the stations were country). Boots off, heat on, and the adventure begins.

If you don't know this about me, you should now. I love the word adventure. That word and everything that accompanies it. I am, to the core, and adventurer. Any chance I get to go to a place I haven't been, learn something I haven't learned, do something off the beaten path, I do it. This trip was no exception. I'd picked out a couple of places I wanted to stop along the way, but I was open to changes. I first stopped at a thrift store in Brigham City. Another random little insight into me is that I have this blog I want to start called "Thrifting Across America". I've always loved that chase, going into a store and just looking for those things that you love and can make look good. Honestly, people hate going thrifting with me because I take forever. I go through everything, I try everything on, and I end up getting like maybe three things. Everything excites me about it, there are so many old records, record players, and books and just about every gizmo and gadget imaginable. OH and mugs. I have a huge weakness when it comes to mugs, I must have at least ten between my family's place and my apartment. That's after getting rid of like five before I left for this semester. Sorry, like I said I really like to thrift.

So I spent like two hours there, bought two shirts and a skirt, and then I got back on the road. I looked for a hole-in-the-wall diner that was supposed to be there but apparently they moved it and Rob's Tires doesn't serve anything remotely related to a 4.32 star plate with sausage and eggs and french toast. Let down. I got back onto I-15, turned up Jake Owen, and enjoyed the ride. I'll have to post some of the pictures that I took along the way sometime. The mountains had a beautiful layer of clouds that made me feel as though I was taking part in something much larger than myself. I can't really explain it.

My trip continued on. I stopped at a reservoir that looked pretty amazing from the road, and skipped some rocks over it. I found a few more thrift stores and took a break at Lava Hot Springs. The drive to get there was incredible, all mountains. I got to the hot springs, I had my swimsuit but I didn't end up using it. I couldn't tell where the right hot springs place was, so I just parked and got out and walked. Another thing that you need to know, I like to walk. ALOT. I walk everywhere all the time. I go on walks, kind of like a grandma. (There was this one guy who offered to drive me somewhere and I said 'it's fine, I'll walk!' and he looked all offended and my roommates said 'no. really! she loves to walk.' that made me extremely happy that they said that). Right, so tangent again. I found this place where there were a bunch of rapids but there was a small island in the middle. The skirt I was wearing was one I had actually made, and it is a maxi batik with patterns of red, yellow, and all shades in between. The wind that day made it whip around and there was something so peaceful about it. There was a little bit of rain, wind in the trees, and the entire city was deserted. I hiked down to the island, it took a little bit of jumping and such, but I got there. And right there I sat down cross-legged and meditated. The rushing of the water around me actually helped me to focus. It calmed my usually frantic mind, and that moment was perfect. I knew I could spend as much time there as I wanted and I had no obligations. Freedom, right there and then. I ended up getting up and walking through the trees and just smelling the juniper. There is no better feeling in the world than being alive. Having your skin buzz with the sensation of living, of experiencing the human condition, and yet transcending that and feeling your entire self and yet something beyond that. In that moment, I was fully myself and a little bit more.

I ended up getting to my grandparents place that night, safe and sound. The next day I ended up going to a place called Mesa Falls. I put some of the pictures up on Tumblr, so here they are if you want to see them. On the way I saw a sign for some dunes, and so I took the turn. I had no idea how to get there, how to get out, and anything in between. My dad knows this especially, but I am really kind of bad at directions. So this was a big deal. It was absolutely breathtaking! Sagebrush was everywhere (love the smell of sage) and juniper. Headed up to the falls, and you can see the pictures there. The Tetons were in the background, I tried to get pictures of it and my camera didn't want to work. Roads all the way up were coated in snow and ice and freedom. Enough about that. I ended up going back to the dunes with my grandparents and making some sage bundles, saw some in this new age shop in Salt Lake and decided to make my own. So genius.

It is getting late. I'll have to write again about more than that... BUT before I go, I just wanted to write some things that I'm thankful for:

• Petrichor (the smell of the ground after it rains)
• Pupusas. If you have never had one, repent immediately and go get one. But probably two. My friend and I went last night and we had so much fun. We talked about ideas and dreams and the future instead of people and what other people were doing. It was really refreshing.
• My family. No matter how many times I mess up and do something ridiculous or straight up dumb, they are always there for me and that means more than the world for me.
• Roommates. A couple of nights ago, one of my roommates and I went on a walk and talked about everything. Even if there were some things that I didn't want to talk about, she pushed me so that I did talk about it and it felt really freeing to say some things. And it felt really good to listen. Thank you.
• Thanksgiving.
• Being at this university. As much crap as I give it, I really am glad to be here. There are so many things that I would be missing out on if I went anywhere else. I've been able to learn how to be myself in an environment that lets me explore the options while keeping me grounded. For those of you who do not know, I am a Philosophy major and I'm really excited to see where I go with it. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to study and learn everything that I am and also learn more about my faith.
• My religion. My life is inexplicably intertwined with my religion. I would not be the same person I am today without it, no doubt about it. And I am so incredibly grateful for it.

Those are the big things. Other random things that I am grateful for and appreciate:

• The way that hands were made. We can do so many things with them. We create, we destroy, we love, we hurt, we talk, and we feel with them. People wonder why I have a thing for hands, but I wonder how other people don't. Hands can tell so much about a person. And I am so grateful for them because I just think they are absolutely incredible.
• New Years kisses. Never gotten one...not expecting one. But I just watched New Year's Eve and everyone just had a New Year's kiss and I just think that its a beautiful moment of humanity.
• Sleep. Because that's what I'm definitely thinking about the most right now.

On that note. I leave you. And I'll post some more gratitudes later and other such things.

Have a delightful evening/morning (depending on your respective timezone) and I shall talk with you later!

Come Fill Me to the Parting Glass

I was watching Once Upon A Time, but wasn't really feeling that. I should be cleaning because we've got checks tomorrow, but I'm not feeling that. So I find myself here. There is absolutely nothing in particular that I want to write about, whenever I do have something then it gets me in trouble. So I'm interested to find out where this will lead me.

Now I feel as though I have to be careful about what I write because I know that people read it. I don't want to say the wrong thing or write something that confuses people. What I write on this blog is there for me and me alone. I write because it helps me to figure out what I want to say, what I am trying to think, and what I am doing with my life. It is completely there for self-analysis. Even when I am not writing about myself, as I am now, everything is somehow related to what I am thinking about. Whether it is because I need to remind myself that the stars are still there beyond the haze of stress and city lights or that I can really become someone. Maybe I just need to remember that there is something out there that I do just for me.

I don't want to have to watch everything that I write. Trying to find the best word for what I want to say because if I try to explain it then you might become lost in the process. That is a big part about what having ADD means to me. Most people go from Point A to Point B through some straight and direct path. But I go all the way to Point Z and then to M and back to A and round and round. It is direct to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. For me, there is joy in the journey as well as the destination. Deciding that I am finally at a destination means that I have looked at every possible alternative that I can think of and decided that I picked the one that will make me the happiest overall.

If you are not into psycho-analysis then I advise you to tune out now.

What is it about me that makes me think that I have to cope with everything? It is like I need to protect myself from everything and everyone, even the smallest moments. I have lowered my expectations to just above rock bottom that way I feel as though I will never be disappointed. It is a little extreme to say that I like to see the worst in everything and am pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. That is not at all the case. First of all, when it comes to other people's lives I always assume the best. My friends deserve no less than the best because they are the best. They are stunning, sweet, talented, graceful, funny, smart, and amazing in every possible way. I just know that life has so much goodness in store for them.

However, when it comes to anything in my life then I automatically assume the worst. I assume that I have absolutely no affect on the lives of anyone but my own. No one thinks of me, ever. In any context. I just do not merit being thought about. I feel like I am plain in every possible way. In friendships, I always assume that I am the 'lesser' friend. In school, now at least, I always know there is someone smarter than me so I never try to be smart. No one wants to really get to know me, they just want to talk about themselves. I've found that when I'm talking with someone and they start to ask me about me, I always say something wrong or with the wrong inflection and they are instantly bored. They ask obligatory questions because they know that is what they are supposed to do. However, I give up on that because I don't want to talk about myself to someone who is not going to listen. So I ask them about themselves. They'll ask me questions, sometimes. I'll give short, concise answers where I reveal just enough of myself to stand out against the typical but not enough to flesh me out. I tell people about who I really am and some how that comes back to bite me.

Part of that isn't true, but it is kind of how I see things. I don't know how I became this beast of survival. Somehow I shut down. On some level I shut down. I don't ever want to show I'm more interested in someone, when I really am, if I don't think that they are interested in me. If I don't absolutely know for sure, then I am not going to do anything. Maybe I feel that it exposes weakness. It is like I am a dragon and by showing I have a tie with some person is like rolling over in the middle of a mob of angry villagers with sharp objects and showing them my soft underbelly. I don't know who the villagers are. Well, okay. I do. I am so untrusting of people. I imagine the villagers as being that person and those who know because they can exploit it. They can stick a hot firebrand into my belly and watch me squirm because they know how to hurt me. I can't see into the dark parts of everyone's soul and so I assume that there is some part of everyone that wants to hurt me. That wants to reject me. If I were ever to show my whole self, all of what I thought and felt and dreamt, that they would reject me.

I have yet to be proven different.

My dad said that I'm like my mom. We both just put up walls against absolutely everyone. He has no idea why. He is a gruff guy, but deep down at the core he is an open nerve. Sometimes he can just let things roll off, but other times when someone says something to him he lets it really hurt him. I don't know what me me like this, I don't know how I got this way. I figured that it wasn't worth heartbreak or anything when I was younger. Maybe it was because I moved so much, I just thought this was a good way to stay happy. Because thats what I think I'm doing when I do this, when I keep to myself and block others out. I think that I am protecting my happiness.

I think another thing is that I do not want to let anyone in who does not honestly want to be there. Just asking questions is not enough. You have to want to know the answer. To know the honest answer. To expect the honest answer. You have to listen. You have to know when I give you the 'condensed' story and want to hear the full one because that is what will help you get to know me. You have to push me and push me and push me. I don't give in easily. I am stubborn as they come. I can promise that you have never met anyone quite as stubborn as I am. I do not allow anyone into my mind who I do not think is 'worthy'. That takes time. There is no particular amount of time. It depends on how hard you push. If I don't shove back, then you're on the right path. But once you push me far enough that I have no more walls to hide behind, that is when I will take your hand and walk the path with you.

But you will have to be patient. Whoever you are.

You will have to know that I am sincerely trying. I don't want to be this way. It is a hard life to life, never having anyone that you can lean on. I have my family, and that is really all that I need. But when I am away from them, it is so hard some days to put on a smile when all I want to do is sit on my bed and talk the problem out completely with someone. I don't want to be like this. All I have to trust in now is this blog. Yes, I have friends. Don't get me wrong. But they all have their own problems. And more often than not I do not feel like I am worth the amount of time it would take for them to listen. They have so many better things that they could be doing and are doing.

It is my fault. I know that. I accept full blame for any relationship that goes wrong because I am this way. In some ways I feel like I am broken. There is a character in Once Upon a Time who does not have a heart. And I relate to him more than I ever thought that I would. He does things just to find out how to feel again, and that is what I do. I have to learn how to use my heart. That is something that cannot be taught and I guess I wasn't born with it. I am finding out how to make myself feel things, and the safest way to do that is on my own. But safe is overrated, right? Right. So I try. However, my efforts are never enough for normal human beings. They can't understand me, what I am. At least they haven't as far as I know.

I like to think that there is someone out there who is willing to push me and push me and wait for me to start pushing back. Someone who will actually stick around through stubborn me to find the real me. But I honestly think I am asking way too much out of mankind for that. Even just for a friend. No one has time to do that, and no one has the motivation to do so. When you can't see what the prize at the end is, what is the thing driving you on? That is just it, there isn't anything. People can't see what I am and so there is nothing keeping them searching. They search on faith, faith that there is someone underneath all of my shells that is something resembling what they think it is. But my stubbornness is stronger than anyone's will to search. Just as I think that someone is going to keep pushing, and I can feel that I am about to cave in, they give up because they have been trying for too long.

That is the way it is with friends, with people I like, with my family. They push, but they hit the point of their breaking right before they get to mine. I get so excited. Finally, there is someone who I can talk to who actually cares about what I have to say at that moment! Oh, wait. Nope. I did it again. I overestimated their motivation. And once again I am left on my own.

I made myself this way. There is some part of me that has always been like this. I keep trying to open myself up. I do! I do! I do! You do not understand how difficult this is for me. Life is so much easier with my dragon shell up. I experience happiness this way. I am never reliant on others for my feelings and that has it's own kind of freedom. And I'm a freedom junkie. However, I know that this way I can never feel joy. I need to be pushed to the brink of truth and trust and I need to fall and give in. Yes, I'll experience the extremes of lows, or at least I'll put myself at that risk because I know it is worth it for those incredible highs. The height of feeling will be higher than anything I've known. But that requires someone who is willing to take a chance on me. And who is willing to push.

I promise that I'll do what I can to tear down the walls on my side. I've gotten better. I almost ripped them all down last time. Until I hit the last little bit of brick wall. The person gave up on their side of the wall. They began to see only the bricks, and not the walls that were being removed. I saw the walls. I could feel the breeze from the freedom of the other side. The sun was there. The air was sweeter. But they gave up just as I almost finished the last bit of bricks. It was not worth it.

So I picked up my mortar and began rebuilding them again.

The only way that anyone could possibly bear to be near me is to see things from my side. To see how I look at things. Because that will help it all make more sense.

Right now I am just a crazy person who has done a little bit too much self reflection. I don't want to be the person who shuts everything and everyone out because she is perfectly happy on her own. I want someone to be there with me. But that person needs to want to be there. No matter how hard it is, they have to stick it out. They have to be determined that I am who I say I am and they have to want to find that out. But, let's be real. That person doesn't exist. No normal human being can be that persistant. And I'm sorry for that.

I blame the mountains and the stars for this post tonight. Oh, and Ed Sheeran. That is a deadly triple threat. There is no where that I would rather be than up in the mountains right now. Laying out. Looking at the stars. If I had a car, I'd be up there right now. I'd pull an all-nighter because it would be worth it just to feel that starlight on my skin. To feel alive. To be a part of nature. And to allow nature into your consciousness and allow it to change you.

My dear moon stuck it out and now I think that the Moon and Stars know more about me than anything else ever has. They are always there and they always want to listen. They have seen me on my good days, on my bad. And yet they continue to be there. They continue to reach out and touch my soul, just enough to get my mind going. Tonight they pushed my soul just enough. It was more than I could simply think about, so I had to write.

I work early morning shifts, so I get to see some parts of Provo that no one ever does. This morning is what started me thinking about all of this. I looked out the window of the building I work in and I saw the mountains completely covered in snow. The sun was rising on the other side and the tips were pink. For some reason it was so beautiful that it almost moved me to tears. I don't know what it is about that image that just struck me so hard. It was like someone had hit my chest with a semi-truck. I knew there was no other place I would rather be than waking up in a tent in the mountains to that red dawn. I know that I'd want someone next to me, but that doesn't matter. Again, I need to watch what I say on these blogs or else everyone will know about me... yeah no.

Anyways, I saw that and I thought of all the people I knew that I would want up on that mountain top with me. Everyone would be too busy. Naturally. I'm a busy person too. But when I see that, and I know that is where I want to be, I need to find someone crazy enough to want to be there too.

BUT. It is late. I've got work at 5. And this week is going to be crazy.

PEACE&BLESSINGS.

P.S. If you want to read some of what I've written this week (about random shiz. specifically for a book that I think I might write...), message/text me or comment on this post or something. or you can message me on Tumblr here. And you can even do it anonymous if you want. Just give me somewhere to send it.