And the winds that blow remind me of what has been, and what can never be

My muse tonight, the rain, is pushing me to write something. I don't know what that something is yet, but I guess we'll find out together.

Today...was a day of reflections. But not the passive, ponderous type. I was out doing and discovering things. I rolled out of bed feeling older. Why this doesn't happen on my birthdays, I don't know. Regardless...I finally felt like a senior. And I came across something from my freshman year, what it was is a different story entirely. I remember feeling so old when I received it. It was like "oh, now I'm mature". I couldn't have been more wrong!

That got me to thinking, what does it mean to grow up? Most people use the 'social norms' to gauge their maturity and experience, things like turning 18 or 21, etc..Others use actual experiences that everyone is supposed to have. Such as your first kiss, first love, or first broken bone.

Maturity and 'growing up' to me means so many different things. Whether I'll ever be mature, well I doubt that. But I know I'm growing up because I have a much more developed sense of myself. I know what I like and dislike, my strengths and weaknesses, etc.. When I think of growing up, I think of a song by Taylor Berrett called "Grow Down".

Life was easier when we were three feet tall

And when we made mistakes we didn't have so far to fall

Problems are so far away when you're so close to the ground

Why can't we all just grow down?

There is another line that goes something like "when planning for the future meant saturdays, calling up a friend to come out and play. and when the time comes begging mama to let them stay". There is so much truth in that. I really miss when planning for the future meant 'saturday'. Not 'the rest of my life'.

Back to the point...kind of. After I found that freshman memory, I was tempted to ask this person if they didn't feel that too. I feel the same way I did back then, age wise, but I have many more experiences under my belt and realize mistakes I made. Does that make me more mature? *sigh* I really don't know.

As I am in the home stretch of senior year, I'm starting to think about these things. I want so badly to leave, but can't imagine actually doing it. So many of these people that I see everyday now will never reenter my life. The hallways are filled with bodies that will soon become forgotten in my mind.

Plus, this is the longest I've ever stayed anywhere. Then why doesn't it feel like home?

You can thank the rain for this lovely and unrelated conglomeration of thoughts.

If a double decker bus...

Life. Hey. How've you been? Nice to have you back.

These past few days have been awesome. Well, kind of. We had exams on Monday, then a teacher workday and have been snowed out the rest of the week! That is great and all, but the thing is we haven't done anything. Other than on Tuesday, which was really good.

My mom took my brothers, sister, and me to the Marine Corps Museum. Best museum ever. My brother is in the NJROTC program at his school and loves it. He loves the regimentation and everything. He is captain of his colorguard team and is only a freshman! But we went for him. Because he wants to be a marine. That museum was so inspiring. There was a main atrium with a beam going from the ground to the ceiling, at an angle. It represented a mast, it had coins at the bottom and followed the old Greek tradition which meant that if you place coins at the bottom of a mast, you will return with honor. Along the ceiling, where the marble met the glass, there were quotes. Perfect quotes.

"In Vietnam, uncommon valor was a common virtue."

It kind of reminded me of Mormonism. So many of the things we do are uncommon in regards to the world, but when we get together it is uncommon not to have those attributes and things. That was an idea that took me way too long to discover.

ANYWAYS. It was a beautiful presentation of something very ugly. War is ugly. But this was a respectful and inspiring gallery. One of the men there was a survivor of Iwo Jima. There was a picture actually of him. He was a part of the red two beach invasion I think. The museum also held the two flags raised, the first one and the famous second one of the picture. It was incredible, all in all. I felt so inspired and proud for my country. We have such a powerful history! One we can feel pride for. The freedom that we enjoy is the result of numerous conflicts and millions of deaths. But so many of the men and women that died knew why they did and were okay with it. At least judging by the museum. It makes me want to go serve!

It was a good Tuesday. One that gave me a new perspective on life. There are so many greater things out there to live for than the pettiness of high school. There is something bigger than all of us. While that may not be our country, it is one of the best things we've got.

Well, it is late. Farewell :)

The world spins madly on

This is simply a random compilation of thoughts. I'm sorry it isn't going to be very deep. But it represents the state of my mind right now. A jumble of musings.

Here is something I wrote in AP Lit class about the black box:

"The Black Box is where I spend most of my time (when I am not in class or at home). It is filled with so many wonderful memories. On one wall hangs all the posters from previous shows along with all the graduates from each class. Thoughout the room are props from previous and ongoing projects. The room is designed to be ambiguous. Completely neutras so as not to limit the imagination of those who use it. It is a place that encompasses chaos and serenity both. This is because the thespians that utilize the space the most are those that find peace in the entropy of the universe. It is a place of creation and magic. Bonds are forged between people and also between those people and their words. The props are faint reminders of what once was, but also a strong force pushing you to what could be."

Bear with me here. There is a poem that I love. Very much. It is called: "A Finger, Two dots, then me" by Derrick Brown. I suggest you read it. It details the relationship between these two people. It follows them into outer space. That is where they went after they died. But one died before the other, and he waited. Although they were only balls of energy then, he still found her. Here is the part I love the most:

Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."

I think it is the sweetest thing. So beautiful. One last thing before I leave you with this chaotic assortment of memories and feelings. There is a video that fits tonight perfectly. Tonight the stars shine, and the cool breeze is the kind that keeps your body grounded while the rest of you flies off into imagination.

I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

As I was walking through the stores today, I was doing some solo shopping, and I heard the song: "Collide" by Howie Day. I'm sure you've heard it. Almost every adolescent teen has.

It always reminds me of Jakarta. If you don't know, the two years I spent in Jakarta were some of the most formative I've ever had. It made me who I am today in a way that nothing else, save my religion, has.

The particular memory that came to mind today was of the Cilandak Talent Show thing my seventh grade year. I was the lights girl, and as usual I was doing lights for this show. Therefore I was able to see the show beforehand. This one guy sang Collide and I asked him why. He said it was for his girlfriend. When he sang it I made sure to look at her face. She was crying. I thought it was one of the sweetest things I've ever witnessed. I wondered how it could be that two eighth graders (they were a year older than me) could be connected that deeply. I know that through my description they did not seem too extraordinary. But when they looked at each other, there was no way to doubt the intensity of the connection there. They understood each other fully.

I realized it is because being overseas changes you. That is where I found a friend that I can remain best friends with, even though we don't talk for years. You cling to what you know, and you learn to become friends quick. You reach a higher level when you move overseas. It changes the way of thinking. One of the ways I know this is because I'll be friends with a person and we'll be good friends and I'll find out that they are overseas kids too.

I don't know why I wrote this, all I know is that I was impressed to do so.

Moving on.

Well. Actually I can't think of anything else. The stars have ceased to be a muse for the past few weeks due to lack of them thanks to the weather. And yeah, that's about it. Goodnight all.

The design in the stars is the same in our hearts

Hello.

Hello world. Hello life. Hello adventure.

Who am I? Where am I going? I don't know. But I do know that there is an adventure in store. And I'm ready. Life, take me. Take me where the wind blows. To the place where I can still see the line created when the deep blue of the sky and that of the ocean meet together. Where the stars kiss the waves so deeply that Venus and Adonis would be jealous. I know a place where the sun meets the sky. That is where I want to be.

Even though, wherever I go, I probably won't be able to see that place it will be okay. I will carry that place in my heart. It is my 'happy place'. My sanctuary.

I remember this one trip I took in Indonesia to a volcano. We had stayed on this island for four days and had packed up the night before. We woke up at four in the morning, ate pancakes at the hut, and then piled onto the speedboats. It was dark, and I was trying to sleep on the hull of the boat. The water was flat, relatively speaking. And the clouds covered the sky, so it was dark for a good while. But when the sun finally started to show, it created an image that will forever remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful I have ever seen. The holes in the clouds allowed the light to pass through in concentrated columns. Those pillars shone straight down and spotted the water. It was glorious to say the least. That became the place I went when I longed for something different. Longed for change. I also remember that a hour into that trip we came across dolphins swimming next to our boat. And then when Anak Krakatoa became this green emergence above the blue of the ocean, I thought it could not get any better.

My sanctuary.

Anyways, I'm trying to come up with clever things to say but I can't think of anything at the moment. So, Emily signing off. Merry Christmas Eve!

And the pianos this melancholy soundtrack

Hey you. How you been? Yeah, long time no blog.



So, no one ever told me how hard senior year was going to be. I mean, they mentioned that you'd have more work. I just never knew that the whole world would fall around you. And on you. And under you.

Life is crazy in a way that I never would have imagined. The main thing is college. I don't know where I want to go. BYU seems to really want me. But I don't know what I would study. USU hasn't done anything at all to recruit me, but they have a program I like. Thank goodness I have the Lord on my side.

There were a few times this week when I truly felt that He was right there next to me. Telling me "be still, and know that I am God". He knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I've been feeling alone for the longest time, and He aleviated my pain. Thank you.

At a dance, my friends and I were talking about how lucky we are as Mormons to know the things we do. College is such an 'easy' decision because we ask the Lord where it is we should go and where we are meant to go. It can be incredibly hard to take his answer, but we know it is the right choice.

On another note, in AP Lit we saw this poem, that I thought was absolutely fantastic. Read it out-loud, it sounds better that way.

"The Dawn of Weird" by Derrick Brown

'Twas the dawn of Weird
and I had woken up early.

There was no difference between
sky and sea,
so dogs chased tennis balls into the shore break
of cumulus clouds.

Sea lions flew point
in the formations of sparrows.

Fishermen caught birds,
apologized,
and set them free.
The birds were understanding and as a gift
brought back worm sandwiches.
Which were surprisingly tasty.

Airplanes landed safely underwater
as mermaids guided us in with pop-electric jellyfish.

Guns had turned to black licorice.
All the cops were nibbling on shotguns
and one by one all the criminals cried
and turned themselves in
to the dentist.

Hospitals morphed and became
rubber bounce castles.
They had to call security
to usher out the scalpels
and to keep the elderly
from hogging the twisty slide.

Billboards became drive-in movie screens
replaying what our feet looked like
when we were chasing our dreams.

Everyone walked home.

And all the tombstones
in all the graveyards
crumbled into seeds.

Flora bloomed immediately.

Bees halted on the outskirts
of the cemetery walls,
reverence for the ending,
the passing of all.

With antennae bowed
and honey tears starting,
they pledged to stand guard
of the bright human garden.

The largest pile of flowers...
it rosse from your name.
The wind swelled a whisper
that said

"They're O.K. they're all O.K."

It was a solid mountain of sunflowers.

The world blazed in color and I welcomed the change.
It was the dawn of weird and the morning of strange.

Amazing how all this
did come to pass,
just a child cutting loose
in a poetry class.

Standing on a darkened stage

Hey there. Long time no see.

This blog is my confidante of sorts. I can talk and talk and talk and it can't say anything back. It listens. And I need a listener. All my ramblings and talk of well...anything...want to be heard. If no one were to read this, it would be enough to me to simply write it.

Thank you.

Now I have some extra time because I applied to college the other day and feel like I don't have anything important to do :) The only two schools I applied for: BYU and USU. I would be happy and either. I know I said I hated BYU, but recently I've come think about it more. They've sent me an honors college letter and an instrumental Christmas CD because my grades are good. My mom is convinced it's a sign.

I don't know.

But it is done now. I don't even know if I'll get in. So I might as well just relax :) Honestly, I'm more scared about my senior pictures tomorrow that college.

Sorry, I'm getting distracted. I'm watching a movie. I'm a hopeless romantic in every sense of the word. And this movie I'm watching, the girl just sat down on this bench that was dedicated to an elderly couple that recently passed away. She sat down and the guy wanted to give her some privacy and started walking away. She said: "come sit with me." I love lines like that. Simple and so charged with emotion.

It is beautiful. Love. There is no explanation for it. Once a wise man told me of two lovers that: "instead of reading textbooks, tried to memorize the moon." I also remember how he once told me of an image that strikes me every time I hear it.

You wonder how these things begin

Well, this begins with a Glen. It begins with a season,

Which, for want of a better reason, we might as well call September.

It begins with a forest, where the woodchucks woo, And leaves wax green,

And the vines entwine moonlight lovers.

Try to see it - not with your eyes, because they're wise,

But with your ears - the cool, green breathing of the leaves.

And hear it with the inside of your hand, The soundless sound of shadows.

Celebrate sensation!

Recall it's secret place - You've been there you remember?

That special place? Where someone held your hand?

And love was sweeter than the berries or the honey,

Or the stinging taste of mint It is September - before a rainfall.

Perfect time to be in love

I want that to be me one time. Someday. If only to write like that. But that will never be in the whole meridian of time.

Well, my movie is over. Goodnight.