I'm No Sailor, I Want to Rock the Boat

This song makes me so happy. It makes me want to jump up and down singing into a hairbrush. Let it be known that there are very few songs that make me feel like that. Here is the comprehensive list:

Risky Business Redux from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

And that is my list. All of those plus blue hair. That is how big of a deal that song is to me now. It is way up there. I sing along to a lot of songs, but I don't jam out with hairbrushes and stuff all the time. I am one of the few people in my ward that knows how to dye their own hair. I'm actually thinking about going blonde again soon. Not white, but lighter. I like it. Maybe red again, who knows?

But I love the rebellion that is in that song. She is not rebelling against anyone and it is not really on a super deep level. She is simply doing it because she can and it would be fun. She likes it and there is no law saying that she can't do it, so why not? I covered my entire room in photographs that I have taken. Plenty of people have asked my 'why'. I just tell them it's because I like pictures and I could do it. Why do I do a lot of things? Because I can. Because the opportunity is there and I would be a fool not to seize it and find something out about myself.

There are so many things that people don't do because they are afraid. They are afraid of the opinions of other people, or the fear of the unknown, or the fear of allowing themselves to do something out of character and that they might like it and have to redefine themselves. The thing is, other people don't give a crap what you do. Maybe they will think you are weird, but there is always a good amount of people that will think whatever you did was cool or have already done that. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." 

 The unknown is a beautiful thing and that is the only way you can do anything in the world now. So much is known that when you find something that is unknown, you have to seize it and do all that you can do make the most of that chance. The unknown is a transient, beautiful entity and can change your life for the better if you let it. It has done that to mine.

Finally, don't be afraid of yourself. Who said that you had to be true to the image that people see of you? That doesn't mean look like a goody-two-shoes and act like a harlot. What it means is that you can't let other people define you. You define you. Other people see an image but they don't know the story behind it or the dried paint layers lying beneath the facade that makes it what it is today. Do NOT let other people tell you who you are and how you are defined. You are your own beautiful celestial spirit. You have a light that can only shine out of your unique eyes.

That is why I like "Blue Hair".

I'm in the mood to just create playlists tonight. So here are a few random ones that I just felt like coming up with. I blame Nick for getting me started on this.

Here is my "Life" mixtape:

LIFE from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

Here is my "Thinking about a boy that I used to know" mix tape.

Songs about a silly kid from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

That's all I've got tonight. I need to hit the hay because I'm getting up early and I didn't get home until after one last night. Yeah, crazy night. It was great.

We Had Today

There is nothing more beautiful than being outside when snow begins to fall. A time will come when I will no longer be enchanted by the snow, but that time is not now. Nor do I expect that it will be here shortly. My walk tonight transcended into aestheticism at one point.

Since it was Valentine's Day there were couples absolutely everywhere (more than usual for here). I walked past people saying goodbye on fire escapes and telling the other how much they loved them. Just to clarify, I wasn't creeping. I was merely observing in a third party omniscient sort of way. But there was one guy who gave a girl this bracelet. They embraced just as it was beginning to snow and just as I was walking past them, it could not have been timed better. It was then that I realized something.

I was not jealous of these couples. The media and even the people around me would think that is so weird. But I didn't wish that I had what they did. Strange thought because it is 2/14 and you are supposed to either wallow in sorrow because for yet another year you are alone and will forever be so. Either that or you are locked in the embrace of a loved one. If that is not you, then that sucks and no one knows where to put you.

Well, my dear World, find me somewhere. I was not jealous of the couples partly because I don't know what it is like. Yeah, I have had a relationship before but it is not the same. I was not honest in that relationship and that has to be one of my biggest regrets. I didn't tell the truth and I did not act in a truthful manner. I hated that relationship because of it. I have felt guilty for the longest time and only now realized why. He was a great guy and deserved so much better than that, I think that I did what I did because I knew that. I could never be good enough to deserve someone like that and therefore I had to become someone else. I said things that I didn't mean and tried to force myself to feel things that had no purpose being in my soul. I learned the hard way that the mind is like the Genie in Aladdin, it cannot force someone to love someone else. They have to do it on their own, without forcing it. It is a natural process and therefore it cannot be made synthetically by man, no matter how hard they try.

I never felt safe in that relationship. I was lost and did not know where to go next. Everything was forced, at least on my end. Therefore, I don't know what it is like to be in a functional relationship. I don't envy the couples here because I really don't know what I'm missing out on. Blissfully ignorant, right? I look at that and think, "I should want what they have." So I try to fabricate those feelings of want and desire for someone like that, and I find that I just don't come up with anything. I'm not jealous.

I am also not old enough to be feeling like this. I don't mean age wise, I mean maturity wise. There is so much development that I need to go through so that I can be ready for a relationship. As of right now, I feel I would be unsteady, awkward, and just weird if I were to be in any sort of romantic relationship. I am not even close to being to that point emotionally. I'm a fling sort of girl. I know how to handle those short, flirty relationships, but I think that I might be physically incapable of moving on past that point. By physically incapable, I mean that I've never really done that. I scare people off before that point is ever reached. Their loss.

I passed all the couples and walked up my hill and just stood in the middle of the sidewalk and watched the snow fall. I think I might have been in the same position for a good three minutes with my eyes closed and face turned upwards to the sky. The flakes fell slowly, almost deliberately floating to various places on my body and the sidewalk. I felt as though they were helping me to begin again. Helping me to commit to becoming a better me. There are always improvements to be made, but I feel as though I am constantly slipping backwards, never progressing towards my end goal. This has been such a humbling experience for me, I am lost in classes for once in my life and I am getting well below a 4.0. I feel so average here, lost in the sea of beauty queens and football captains. Walking in the snow like that reminds me that I am great, that I have a purpose that I was created for, that I am worth it.

The stars make me long to be up in the sky, to fly, to see, to know the feeling of exhilaration that accompanies it. There is something greater that reminds me how small I am and yet I play a key part in the scheme of everything. Okay, I'm falling asleep while writing this, so we'll see if I finish it at a later date or something.

Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite

This is the third time I'm starting this post. I keep writing it to people, directing it at them, but it is not for them. This post is for me. This blog is for me. Forgive me if that sounds selfish, but if you believe that I am indeed selfish then you greatly misunderstand me. A bit. I am not being selfish because I never said that this blog would be anything but mine. My thoughts, feelings, impressions, and musings. If you were under any other impression, then I am greatly sorry. I never meant to share it with you and therefore I am not being selfish if I keep it all to myself.

Now to truly begin again. This time it feels right. I am writing this lying in bed with my pillows all around me. Settling in for the night. I have already had my cup of tea and watched an episode of Downton. I will wake up early tomorrow so that I can accomplish all that I need to, and it seems as though there is a lot. But this week has been one of the most wonderfully bright that I have had in a very long time. I have enjoyed almost every second of it. It all started Sunday. I woke up early, made some tea and watched an episode of Downton. Then I decided that I wanted to do something before church and so I hiked into the canyon and over to where Avalanche Pass begins. It had snowed and so I didn't want to go any further or else I'd hurt myself and fall down the mountain or something. I got home as church started and so I showed up a little late. I accomplished a couple of other things that all contributed to Sunday being an awesome day, but I can't remember. Other than talking with my family, which was fun!

Monday was great. I skyped with one of my best friends for a couple hours (and skipped FHE...whoops. Worth it.). And I really want to talk about that, but won't. It just doesn't seem right.

Anyways, that has kept me going almost all week. I've just felt really good about everything. People say "Hey Emily!" as I'm walking around campus and it's been a Hall&Oats "You Make My Dreams" kind of day almost everyday. This semester has been absolutely beautiful.

I was also going to write about how I feel guilty about a couple things, but I will let that sentence suffice as far as that subject goes. Just know that I am sorry. But the people I'm apologizing to will never find this blog, so I don't know what makes me feel better.

I'm just going to include something that is a little embarrassing that I wrote the other night.

When I walk, it is because I just need to get away. I need to be with people who understand me. I can’t talk to normal people sometimes. I don’t mean that I’m better than them, I am just different. Sometimes I just want to talk and have people listen. But there is no one like that but the stars.

So I walk. And I walk. And I walk. My feet know where to go. The know exactly where I need to go. One time it was up a tree, another it was to a bench. I just walk because it is not the destination that matters. I will continue to go farther if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The stars keep good company. I do not even have to speak my thoughts for them to understand where I am coming from. There is no misunderstanding with them, just a misunderstanding of self. Sometimes I feel as though I simply need to observe humanity as opposed to being a part of it. I don’t know that I have ever felt a part of it. I am just looking for someone that shares the same distance. Or maybe what I need is someone who has no distance and can teach me how to live and feel. I exist. A thinking machine. I can’t cry anymore, no matter how hard I try. I don’t feel friendship or loss. I laugh but it can be a transient, empty sound. I don’t know how to act around people anymore. Where do I go from here? I need to get out. And so I walk.

I need movement, I need change. This is the hardest part of the journey for me, the pitstops. Who cares where I am going as long as I enjoy the trip there? I tend to lose sight of things when we stop to rest, though. So I climb up to the tallest branch I dare in order to get perspective. So I can see how small the city is when compared to the mountain and how small the mountain when compared to the sky. And how I am smaller than it all. One tiny little speck, smaller than whoville.

I keep wanting to hear a knock on the door and have it be you. I see the cars drive past and think, “What if it were you and you were driving past, saw me, and understood that this is more important than anything? What if you stopped for me? What if you looked outside of your small world and you let me expand it? What if...what if… what if”

I am alone. I am not lonely, but I am alone. I’m going to go for a walk again. Go with me? But if you have nothing of value to say or think, or if you feel it would be awkward or weird, then you are not invited on the walk. You must stay home. Or go another way. I take the deep, curvy route and get lost. You can take the straight and proper, but I’ll take the dirt and underbrush. I’ll step in puddles of mud just to get dirty because it makes me feel as though I am a real person. It makes me feel alive. I sleep without a pillow because I can imagine that I am sleeping on the ground and then I feel a connection to the earth while I am fifty feet above it. I walk barefoot just so I can feel the dirt squish between my toes. The smudges it leaves are reminders that I have lived.
Last Song Scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=TyRe80mLvPw&NR=1

I am so anti-social tonight, but I really do not see that as a loss on my part. I would only come across as superficial and silly. I would not be able to be myself. I can be myself here in my bed, writing and such and watching Downton Abbey. I’ve never seen it before, but I’ve heard plenty of good things about it. The youtube clip above is from Last Song, which I have not seen and which I do not wish to see. The thing that kills me is that I want that. I want someone to kiss me like that. Nothing less. (I will take more…) The way his hands were large and manly with some knobbley knuckles was something I love. The way they fit underneath her hair. How he scooped her up and after kissing her quite thoroughly told her that she was not like other girls. I can only dream about the kind of guy I’ll have.

I am so afraid that he is going to be awkward and embarrassing. That the will be the kind of guy that no one else would want, except me because I would convince myself that I love him. He won’t want to travel and will be extremely proud. He will be set in his ways and will not cut his fingernails.

I keep thinking that because I think that he’ll be perfect. There are so many different ways that I can mess things up by thinking about it. I think that he will be tall, muscular, and at least weight more than me. But strong. His thighs may be the same size as mine, but they are more muscular than anything. He can carry me. He loves to travel and doesn’t need anything more than the clothes on his back to be happy. I will be so completely and incandescantly happy. I will love him more than my own life. I cannot believe that it could happen to me. I do not feel as though I am important enough or anything to believe that I could have that.

Someone who likes to garden, likes curry, watches Pride and Prejudice with me, and likes to read. I can go with someone who doesn’t play music but someone who doesn’t read makes me almost sick. Let some sort of a person exist. Someone I'm as comfortable with as I am with You. And someone as handsome as You are. And who has a smile as good and rewarding as Yours.




That is all I wrote the other night. I was going to edit some stuff out, but I didn't. I don't care if you read it and judge me because it is me. I do feel those feelings and I would be dishonest if I didn't include them. Judge all you want. But I am just expressing myself. There is something so beautiful about pure expression. If you're wondering who 'You' is, well that is a post for another day. I know who it is and he would never watch Pride&Prejudice...The problem is that he might, just because he knows that I like it. That kills me because I can't like you. Here is the deciding factor: You don't like to travel. That automatically rules you out of any long term romantic relationship with me. Let's just stay best friends forever? I would love nothing more than that. You could be the actual Dex to my Emma, except our story turns out a little differently. One because you never would have liked me and if you did you were not obvious like he was. Also, my Emma is not as desperate and she likes to travel. And hike. And camp. And you don't like to. So best friends we shall stay.

I'm listening to "Mary Mae and Bobby" by Joe Purdy, and I LOVE that song. Almost as much as I love "Lime Tree". Just thought you'd like to know.

Bed is calling to me. The writer in me wants to continue but the rest of me is kicking the writer part in the butt so that I can sleep and such. Sometime I'll have to write about my dream last night. It was so ethereal.

ANYWAYS. Goodnight, goodnight. I hope your week has been as good as mine.

I've been working on a night train...

There are some beautiful lyrics and songs out there, but none of them hit me quite like 'Night Train' by Amos Lee. If you have never heard it before, I suggest that you look it up right now while you read this. That mournful guitar comes on and he begins to sign and I just melt.

It has been a long while since I last wrote. I feel as though that is how I begin any post or journal entry. Oh well, I've tried to fix it but I've realized that I just can't. That isn't me. There are a plethora of ideas bombarding my mind right now. I can only hope that, for your sake, I am able to organize them coherently. It does not help that I have a stomach full of junk food. Kong Kone, Coca-cola, and some homemade gyoza. Very full.

Once Amos Lee ends, I turn back to my show: Pride & Prejudice. The six hour version. Nothing makes a girl feel more at home than hearing Mr. Darcy's voice. It truly is a beautiful image.

Okay, now to begin the actual post. I am sincerely sorry the last one was so full of boys and nothing. There was really nothing behind it, because I am so over it. But I'll get to that later.

The weather over the past couple of days has been incredible. Saturday was the best. It must have been in the high 60s, sunny, with a slight breeze. I woke up early and went to the library to work on some stuff for work. While I was there (around five hours), I had some friends come and surprise me. After that I left with them and we went on our way home. Before we reached home, we ran into some people and talked with them. One of the was a guy who is not attending this semester because he received his mission call last semester. Madrid, Spain! We talked outside for a good half-hour until people were finally wanting to move on. I convinced my friend to come sit on the hill with me. They had recently finished putting sod on it and so it looked very nice and incredibly inviting. I could not resist. We made our way over to the hill and found respite in the sun.

That was a glorious day. [due to my watching of Pride & Prejudice, I'll probably transition into a different sort of writing] I must tell you that I have recently begun to meditate. I have heard that it improves the mind and sharpens the wits. While on the hill, I found it was a very agreeable hill for meditation. So, I folded my legs in the typical lotus position, rested my hands upon my thighs and proceeded to close my eyes and let the peace enfold me. There is a certain focus and confidence that follows regular meditation. My mom gave me some music over the holiday that is very conducive to a meditative state.

I've also been running more with this beautiful weather. I have gone running more than once and although it hurts, quite literally, I find it very empowering. I am able to travel somewhere by myself. There are so many times that I just need to get out and leave. This is my way of doing so. I go somewhere that no one follows me. I love to walk alone. I love to walk. To feel the pavement move beneath my feet. I am able to do something alone through my power only and that is a feeling that can bring great happiness.

This is so jumbled, I keep getting distracted by my movie. Mr. Collins is complimenting people again. I don't know that I'll be able to finish this post properly because I keep getting distracted. Let us see where this gets me.

That boy I was talking about last post? He is one of the most annoying people I believe to ever come into my acquaintance. He has no sense of other people and I believe was designed just to vex the good people of the Earth. Regardless, all is over. How did I figure this out? WELL. He was just being himself one day, Saturday in fact, and was not terribly friendly. It was also a very wonderful day so there was no reason to be disagreeable. Also, while we were walking back and we ran into those people, within that group there was a very amiable young man. He is rather handsome and very much himself. He is so friendly and is exactly the kind of kid I want to get to know more. When I looked between that kid and the one from last post, I found I lost all attraction to him. It is not that the attraction transferred, but it just depleted. I realize that if I am the right sort of girl, then I can someday be with someone like that other kid. I would not have to lower my standards or feel as though I was making 'the best decision that was open'. I have promised myself that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me to matrimony.

There are too many ordinary things in life, love should not be one of them. I want nothing less than the most passionate, mad, and extraordinary love. The Lord knows each one of us personally, and what is important to us is important to Him. I know that He knows my opinions on the matter and so long as I have faith, that will happen. I will be completely incandescently happy. I am completely happy with the fact that I am not in a relationship with someone and that I can be happy by being single. There are so many girls here that do not feel the same way, I feel sincerely sorry for them. I enjoy it a great amount. Yes, there are times when I wish I had a best guy friend that I could call up at a moment's notice to chill with. But it is completely fine with me that I have not reached that stage yet because there is no one necessarily that I would want to have as my 'best guy friend'. I am a lone reed.

I think that is as far as I am going to get. I wish I could take my computer with me when I go on my walks. It is then that I find the best ideas flow. I love the beauty of this story that I am watching. There is magic contained in the very coattails. That is all I want. The relationship between Darcy and Elizabeth. They are so meant for each other. They are best friends. It is so beautiful. [Let me clarify now that I am watching the six hour version, not the wimpy one...]

On that note, I bid thee adieu.

Miss Rumphius

As I alternate episodes of my Korean drama and Friends, I found myself here. Thinking again. I hate that, why can't I turn my brain off? Guys can do it just fine. But I can't seem to manage. There is always that nasty little thought sitting in the corner of my mind begging me to pay attention to it. I need to write it out of my mind.

It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.

I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.

You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.

Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.

There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.

ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.

I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.

I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.

There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.

Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!

Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.

It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.

I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.

P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.

Skin&Bones

I've reached a point where I just need to write in order to maintain my sanity. I get restless when I don't travel and don't write. There is so much going through my mind and people just don't sit down and listen any more. I just need someone to listen. This blog will listen and I want it to listen. There are some people who may want to listen to me but it just is not the same. I cannot tell things to people who want to listen and I know they do not know what they are in for. But that is why I come here. Listen if you want, shut me off if you want. I will take it either way.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that people overlook. I like to think of myself as the person who was put on Earth to notice them, to notice the little things. Tonight, my friends and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. I was debating with this one girl about what the word romance means. She was convinced that it was strictly about love and passion and attraction between two people. I disagreed. I believe that romance can be used to describe the magic of a situation and sometimes it can add to the romance between people. The dictionary says that romance is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I LOVE that definition. There was so much romance tonight, but not between people. Salt Lake City was brimming with romance tonight. The way the lights looked, the gnarled tops of the trees next to the temple, the Spanish-influence building South of the temple, the way steam flowed from the nostrils of the horses, the light sound of bagpipes coming from a street performed, the mournful violin, the majesty of the Christus statue juxtaposed with the cosmic backdrop, and the little children going over to touch the robes. It was all romantic. It was all full of wonder that seemed to disrupt everyday life.

That was all I had to say about that. Somehow I feel that writing more about it would ruin it or make it worth less. What more is there to say? My mind is still racing and I cannot figure out why.

I have been bombarded by situations all around that make me want to write, like an actual book. But that is a bit embarrassing and I won't go there right now. Maybe later. But not now.

So many different thoughts but none of them seem worth pursuing. I have felt so lost and inadequate this past little while, and now that I am doing a bit better I don't want to delve back into that. I don't want to dwell on hopelessly romantic (different definition) ideas because that will put me in a weird mood for the next few days and with finals here, I cannot bring myself to do that. Although I have realized that writing about situations that would inspire me to write something here usually puts those situations from my mind and that person and I am home free. I can forget about them and just go back to the usual dynamic. Nothing weird, because when I think about things like this and don't write them down I tend to internalize it and that is when things go downhill. I just think too much.

Okay, the only thing I can think about doing is writing about nothing and everything all at the same time. This next little bit will be a serious of ugly, disconnected thoughts that really have nothing to do with anything and will hopefully make me feel better. If you do not understand, please forgive me but I will not bother to explain. Unless you are dying to know, and even then it is debatable. Here goes.

That is hilarious. I just wrote this huge paragraph and it didn't save because I wasn't logged into the network. But I feel so much better. I'll write again, but this will be different.

Have you ever looked at the space between the moon and the Earth and marveled at the sheer immensity of it all? We are so insignificant and tiny. Oh man I am tired. Romance is just following me everywhere. Not for me though. It is never for me. Which I am perfectly content with. But I can't stand having my mind filled with it because it makes it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. It has just been one of those weeks. Everything has been beautiful, even if in a dark way, and full of potential that I cannot think of anything else. I want to share it with someone but there is no one that would listen. The one person I think who would but only does occasionally. Very much selective hearing. But I can say anything I want to here and I can take as long as I want to say it. I just want to go somewhere. I want to walk. I want to walk forever and not stop until I have seen all the world and am content knowing that I have met everyone that I needed to and saw all that I was created to see. I need movement, I need change. I just need to get out of here. It isn't a bad statement, I don't hate it here. I have a pretty darn good situation. But I just need to leave because my feet are starting to burn up with desire to move and I'm fairly certain I have developed a severe case of cabin fever. One random thing that has been bugging me all day. You know when you're hanging out with someone and you're having fun or at least enjoying yourself a little bit and you think the other person is too but then they talk to one of their friends on the phone and belittle you almost by saying "oh no, its only ---" or whatever? Yeah. I hate that. You are where you are so embrace it. There will never be another moment exactly like that one and so embrace the beauty of its transience and love what you're doing. Make the best of it. If you live to always be somewhere else, then you're missing out on most of life. Life is born out of the spontaneous moments of truth and joy, not out of planned and typical meetings. You need to step out of your comfort zone to truly take life by the reigns. Live it and love it and seize all you can. Live as though you'll never be where you are again because there are so many places to see and people to meet that it is quite likely that you never will. Make it memorable. If it is memorable for me, then I assume it is for you too. If it isn't I am sorry but my memories stay where they are. All I can say is that you are missing out, my friend.

Wow. That was long. But I feel better. And with that, goodnight moon.

Nights Become Days

Why hello my old, dear friend. It really has been too long. I feel as though you've changed so, or perhaps it is me who has changed. Either way, I am happy to see you.

Life has been...different. A very beautiful kind of different. I think the reason I ended up back on here is because I needed a little therapy session and in Writing we are doing a unit on creativity and I wrote something and I finally felt like me again. I felt sure and beautiful and different. A beautiful kind of different. So I have decided to write again. Why did I ever stop? There are plenty of things I could be doing right now, but I am getting the feeling this is more important. There is something that I need to say and we shall go on an adventure, just like we used to, and we will find out what that is together.

Where to even begin...

Where does one ever begin? Oh! Language how I've missed you! I have missed putting words together in the exact way I want, or more often than not it just comes out and I just say what I think and it makes so much more sense. My fingers are getting cold, but I'll continue to type anyways. It will simply be a slower process. I am sitting out on my balcony facing the mountains. The stars are hidden by the clouds, but they are so fantastic here! I have seen shooting stars, something I never thought I would. I have recently learned that one of the most wonderful sights is that of the sun setting behind the mountains and the reflection it has over the lake as I look out from the temple and you can see the juxtaposition of the night and day so perfectly as every little house in the valley begins to turn their lights on. That is only challenged by the moon setting behind the mountains and then the few moments after when the sky is still light and purple from it.

My roommate took us up to her cabin in the first few weeks we were here and it is right up in the canyon. We walked around and stuff, I was stunned by the mountains and the sheer magnitude of everything. That night we went to a huge rock that she used to go to and we all laid down together, wrapped up in a blanket, and we looked at the stars. I fell asleep underneath a blanket of cosmos and it was beautiful. There were so many shooting stars and just wonderful things to look at. Halfway through the night though there was a moose or caribou or something big that came by the rock and started munching on stuff...it was pitch black and we were freaking out a bit because it very easily could have been a bear up there in the mountains and the adrenaline from that kept me going for a little while. The next day we went and sunbathed in this lake (glacial runoff). We were so sunburnt! I looked like a lobster. We had a party that night and I think I was judged hardcore. But it was completely worth it.

This balcony is so perfect for sitting, thinking, writing, and just about everything. Let me just give you an idea about what it looks like...it is approximately thirty-five feet by ten feet and it is basically mine. My roommates and I use it but hardly anyone else ever does. I am curled up in my blanket that I made for a young women's project when I was twelve and I'm in sweats looking all cute freezing my hands off. But I am happy. Why have I not done this before? Finally writing again. I can feel my mind slowing down as I type. THIS is my ADD therapy, this is what keeps me sane. How have I survived?!

Well, moving on. What should I talk about? Oh, I know how I have survived. My parents bought me a little travel guitar and that has been my sanctuary. I am getting much better! I'm not good yet, but I'm better. One of my roommates and I have jam seshs. She is the vocals and I'm the instrumental. Our favorite song is "Someone like you" by Adele. That is possibly one of the most intense and beautiful songs. The lyrics are so incredible, and we always have to sing it. Depressing, but good.

I am trying to think about how I can actually begin to describe life here. It is beyond anything I could have thought. I know I hated the idea of coming here. I thought everyone was going to be obnoxious and in my face religious. Everyone was going to be perfect and the same. Everyone was going to be ignorant and painfully annoying.

Nope.

What I got was the biggest slap to the face I have ever gotten in my life. Yes, so many people here are beautiful and stylish and perfect. But there are so many real people here, like me. I lucked out on roommates. While they do some stuff that annoys me, they really are good people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My FHE brothers are fantastic and they are some of the sweetest and most genuine people. And fairly attractive, not going to lie. Yeah, it was hard coming here and my face suddenly decided that it was going to be ugly and breakout everywhere and I swear that everyone here has perfect skin. They are all skinny as anything and if they aren't then they totally know how to rock their curves. I am awkwardly in between. There are more homecoming court, valedictorians, and concert pianists here than anywhere else in the world. The most frustrating thing is that all those qualities are generally in the same person. I am nothing here. Nothing. School is hard and I feel like the dumbest one in most of my classes. But I have had such great experiences as a result.

I was not the kind of person to 'hang out' in high school. I always had to be doing something and moving so fast. There had to be a purpose to everything. But here I have changed. I just hang out whenever. I pick up my guitar and some people and I have jam sessions on the balcony or something. My roommates and I always are having parties of some kind or another. Not the typical college parties. But the kind that we remember for years afterwards and don't regret anything we do. We have so much fun and meet so many people.

Okay, I am just going to stop whatever I was going to say right there. None of that is feeling right. I was thinking about talking about boys, but that is not where I wanted to go either.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up or where I want to go and be. I am a traveler. I know that is what I want to do and somehow will do. I just need to figure out how. I also have tried to realize the kind of person that I want to become. And it makes me so happy to realize that I have started to become that person. Curling up with a book on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea is me. There are so many different me's that I want to be. I want to be the woman that can sit on the balcony of her house on the South Carolina beaches and look beautiful in a turtleneck and jeans with no makeup. I want to be the woman that can hop on a plane one day and hours later be knee deep in Ugandan mud as I write a story about the women there and the role that they play in society for National Geographic. I want to be sitting in a small coffeeshop listening to an old friend play and he invites me up to sing what used to be our song and I either sing or play guitar and I do it well.

These are all silly dreams. Of a silly girl. That has a silly, misguided look at the world. But I want that all to be me. You will probably laugh when you read this, who ever you are. But these are truly things I have thought about and want. I never want to be average. I want to take control of the opportunities that are out of the ordinary and I want to make them mine. I want to be able to look at the world and say thank you for everything you have given me. I feel like Pocahontas right now. "Do you still wait for me Dream Giver?" Because I am here. Dreamer. More so than I think I have ever been. That will never change. I am utterly impossible. And I apologize. Yet, I don't. I am not apologetic for who I am, but for who you think yourself to be if you feel the need to judge me. I am unabashedly Emily. I am a grasshopper, an artist, a dreamer, a scientist, and a tea drinker. I make my own henna and don't care that it smells funny. I laugh loudly. I dream big. I play my music so that you can hear it. I speak my thoughts. Some days I don't take my medicine. I won't fall in love. I am a dreamer and a cynic. I hike. I read in the sun. I sing when I know no one will hear me. I dance so that everyone can. I let you know who I am. The design in the stars is the same in my heart. In the broken down machinery of my heart. I am gun-shy. I listen to the rain. I cry. I smile at everything because I find life to be so funny. My language is sentimentality and life and change. I wish I was in black and white. I love the lines on my hand. I jam to Bollywood music. I watch Korean dramas. I eat seaweed. I have gone through six jars of peanut butter jars so far. I am so grateful for my wide open spaces, my room to make a big mistake. I drink my tea boiling. I hate my feet. There is nothing that compares to sitting on rooftops. I want my own love story but I'm too scared of anything to do anything about something. I want to dance in the Museum of Art. I have covered my wall with articles and pictures from travel magazines and film pictures I took and had developed. I am freezing on my balcony because I want to be outdoors, whatever that takes. I am in love with the world. I am in love with Amos Lee. I am in love with soul and all things beautiful. I love possibility and the world is overflowing with it right now.

Goodnight, until we meet again.

P.S. There are so many spiritual experiences that I've had and you might be hearing those later.