Juniper&Lamplight

Goooooooood eeeveningg.

Fall is here, hear the yell. Autumn is approaching and it feels amazing. Everything is cooling off, the mountains have a trace of snow, and the air just smells better. It is almost as if when fall hits, everything becomes in high definition and crisper.

My friend recently put up a post about all the things she loves about autumn and life and I think I might do the same. SO

1. The crunch of leaves
2. Cuddling
3. Chapstick
4. The smell of oranges and cloves
5. A hot mug
6. Red noses
7. A cold breeze
8. The lightness of feeling in the air
9. Camping, and everything about it.
10. Tea
11. The rain

The list goes on and on. I couldn't find anything better to describe it than these pictures.

Now, I need to find an answer to the question "What do I want?". I know that there is an answer, but I don't think that it is what you are thinking of. Hmm.. what do I want? It doesn't come in a box. Nothing I ever truly want does, not since I was 12, and even then it didn't really. I have never been tied to material things like that, it just isn't something that I've ever had to deal with. I want to live. I want to be alive, to experience the beauty of breathing and living and experiencing everything that I possibly can. Today in relief society we talked about what our passions were, and the only thing that came to my mind was to live. I do not want to let a single experience pass me by that would allow me to truly live. To feel human, to feel pain, to feel joy, to laugh loudly, and cry hard. To be left breathless by a run or a moment and to never miss a change to feel the ground underneath me or the sun and rain on my face. That is what I want, above all else. That is my passion.

I want to travel. That fits in with that one, and it is not something that I want anyone to give me. Ever. It is something that I have to work and slave over on my own otherwise I won't appreciate it as much. I have to travel on my own terms and do what I need to do, and that is just the way it is. That is a me thing and that is something that I do not want to change because it is such an integral part of who I am and who I want to become.

Another very important thing is that I want to be myself. I say things that you do not like, act in ways that confuse you, and say things just for the sake of them being said. It is weird, I know. I get it. But I want to be able to be completely myself around someone, around you, and not worry about how you are going to take what I say. If something I say confuses you, just ask what I meant. If something is bothering you, just talk about it. I am not the kind of person who likes to beat around the bush like that, just talk straight. And right now I can, and that is good.

These are just some other random things that I want: to shave my head, to go to a random funeral (like Maude), write a book, go skinnydipping, and do yoga on the beach. These are all things that I want at some point, I just have to get there. I feel so immature sometimes because in Relief Society, there were people saying things like "be a mom", "be the favorite science teacher", etc. I have not reached that point. They are all good things, but I'm still a reckless youth. I crave freedom in every form. 

Is that what you thought it would be? Probably not. Actually, you probably think that those were really lame answers based on all the hype. You thought that you would find out what I want in a relationship...well. Hm. Honesty. Comfort. Fun. And no stress, because right now I am not stressing about anything. So calm down. Now you know what I want. And I do not want all of those things now. Where is the fun in that? Instant gratification is highly overrated and does not lead to anything lasting, typically. Just take comfort in knowing that I am comfortable getting as close as we have, because I definitely do not do that with just anybody. Especially getting as actually close in proximity as we did. Keep that in mind, and do not stress.

Everyone, have a lovely beginning to your week. Make yourself a hot beverage, walk to class, feel scholarly. Carry on.

We Could Live Out By the Sea

I cannot believe that I have never called a post after one of the sweetest songs: Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. I'll stick it right here so that you can listen to it as you read this.

This song is completely and utterly brilliant. Enjoy.

Can we just take a minute and appreciate how incredible it would be to 'live out by the sea'? Waking up to the smell of sea salt, sand, and sun. That sounds like paradise. There is something so timeless about beaches, something that makes it seem as though anything that you think and feel is instantly preserved forever in the salt. One of my dreams is to live in a beach house somewhere in the Carolinas. Not one of those vacation homes, but an actual house. One that is maybe a blue or yellow but is faded because of the effect of blowing sand and salt corrosion with driftwood. Lighthouses are a favorite of mine as well, so that adds to the draw.

I have started this part of the post about five times now...I never can seem to say the right thing. It is as though my mind knows exactly what it wants to say and when I try to say something else, it just shuts me down. When that happens, I cannot think anymore about what I want to say, I start writing stuff that I think that people want to hear. And sometimes those are the same and sometimes they aren't. This is one night when they aren't quite the same.

There was this poem that I read recently that I wanted to add..but it was really long. So that didn't happen. But there was a line in it, "...to lead you to an overwhelming question...". That reminded me of my favorite movie, A Room With A View. If you have never seen it, then that needs to change. ASAP. Anyways, there is this character in it who gets up in a tree and shouts his creed. "Joy! Beauty! Love!" And his father simply says that he is "Declaring the eternal yes". That is what I feel like sometimes. There are those times when you feel as though all of your feelings bubble up inside of you and you simply want to explode and shout things like George and proclaim the Eternal Yes!

In other news, I'm rereading a book that I love and it is making me want to cry all the time. Rob Sheffield is a genius and if I can have the smallest bit of what he writes..then my life will be a success. I just finished reading about all the different kinds of mix tapes that there are, which made me think about all the mix tapes that I've ever made and received. And there are many. It also made me think about all the mix tapes that I will make in the future for people and for myself.

"I have built my entire life around loving music, and I surround myself with it. I'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. But I never stop playing my mixes. Every fan makes them. The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with--nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they add up to the story of a life."

That is absolutely perfect. So now I'm onto the part when he tells Renee that he has a crush on her, and seriously the whole scene makes me giddy. I'm picturing this 6'4" lanky irishman talking to this robust southern gal and he tells her that he likes her. It's the memory that he has when he listens to Big Star. And I love it. The way he describes her makes me wish that was me, every time I read this book it is the same. They had an Up kind of love, take a look at this quote.

Girls take up a lot of room. I had a lot of room for this one.

GAH. I love that!

One of the most perfect things in life is coming across something that you used to love, and realizing that it is just as cool as it was back then. This is one of those things. It is still so perfect, so applicable, and so heart-wrenchingly truthful that you cannot help but love it every single time.

  Well, that's all for now folks. Stay tuned for an update on the next big adventure, or the next big revelation, or the next little thing that I thought was funny but no one else did. (My friend and I were talking about how we like to laugh randomly because we think funny thoughts. People say things like 'that wasn't very funny' or something like that and then I (or she) says "that wasn't for you" or something. That hardly made any sense...but again...that was for me!)

Oh. And:

P.S. I talked to this weird kid on the phone today...and he told some pretty dang funny stories. Oh, and he likes to tell things how they are which is AWESOME.

That is all. Good night!

P.P.S. Brain vomit=uncensored rambling. I don't think about it.

You Can't Be Twenty On Sugar Mountain

I'm sitting at home, after just getting back from my friends' place, drinking a cup of hot milk, and thinking about life. Not in the general sense, but more in the nature of it.

I was reading some of my old posts and while I felt completely foolish when I wrote them, I read them again and feel as though I was wise beyond my years and I have regressed. I am not longer able to put words in to a stream that makes people think. I write about boys. I write about problems. I have not written recently about the little beautiful things that life has to offer.

Little things like the hot milk next to me. It is in a Norman Rockwell mug that I picked up from DI and it tastes like heaven right now. Why can I not remember to blog about things like that, instead of this boy or that (not that there are enough to make up a this and a that...).

Something that I have found is that I am just so completely insecure with who I am sometimes. When I blog it is because I know that I have felt what it is like to be Me when I am doing it so I attempt to recreate that feeling. However, that just results in me sitting at home alone on a weekend blogging about being lonely...just not bueno. I need to write about living again because when you write about living, it becomes integrated into your mind and eventually into who you are. I feel like I knew myself better in high school. Maybe that was because it was a safe environment. It was almost as though I was living in a lab, I could experiment with things and the consequences were minor if any. When I played with fire, I got burned. Now I avoid such things like the plague here...which results in a very gunshy me. How fickle my heart.

I have made myself a promise, and writing it on here is the same as sealing it in blood. My promise is to be honest in everything I do. I made that promise at the beginning of the year, but I make it again because it is always a work in progress. I will be honest in my dealings with fellow men and in my dress and speech. Too many times I say something to make someone feel more comfortable (that someone knows what they are talking about) or because I want to seem "cool". But no. That is all over. Life is art and art is never dishonest. The essence of art is that you are trying to tell your version of the truth, your paradigm, to the world and present it in a way that makes people think about their paradigm. I want to live my life in a way that people know exactly who I am and in a way that makes people question what they are doing. Not in a way that makes them change, just enough to make them understand who they are and how they got there.

That is all for tonight, hope it makes sense. I haven't been up this late in a while...

Cowboys & Angels

That is a beautiful song if you have never heard it. Made me cry. A friend showed it to me today and I am completely in love with it.

I thought that I would share a quick experience that I had this weekend. A bunch of friends and I went up American Fork Canyon, and then a bunch of good stuff happened when we got back. I wanted to write this for my religion class. Hope it's okay:

I have learned so much about myself since I last wrote one of these. The change has been for the better, and if I do not write it all down and have someone as a witness I’m afraid I’ll change back.

During class last Wednesday, I felt that I should go to the temple. I had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, but since I have moved across campus I was not ever motivated to make the walk to the temple. Now that I look at it, it was silly because even though the walk is long, it is beautiful and I should be extremely grateful that the temple is within walking distance and that soon two temples will be within an hour walk of me. The world is incredible!

I was finally motivated and went up to the temple. Since I had not been in a long time, I was expecting something akin to the trumpeting of angels and a heart full of warmth and love. But none of that happened. I found that I kept thinking about the outside world and I was simply not open to the Spirit. I knew I was supposed to go, though.

Then this weekend some friends and I went up American Fork camping. We got back Saturday morning in time for their volleyball game. I asked a friend to bring me some Sunday clothes and my recommend because one of my friends was heading up to the temple right after and I wanted to go. So I threw on the random clothes my roommate had brought and up we went. We got there and the whole experience was amazing. The words of a father’s blessing I had received just prior to coming out to school again came to me and I remembered that God was proud of me and was overwhelmed by the love I felt as I thought of that. I had been too hard on myself that week and I needed to remember that all that mattered was how God felt about me.

That night I hung out with some friends and I felt excluded and lost. Feeling of being unwanted and uncared for overwhelmed me and put me in a bad mood. As I was walking home, suddenly a thought came into my mind. After any spiritual experience or a time when I feel like I am worth something, however small, to the Lord then I am always hit with this feeling of being unworthy and disliked by people. Satan was exploiting that weakness I had to make me forget about the experience that I had earlier that day. When I felt rejected, I lost all feeling of love and joy and retracted into myself and feelings of misery. As soon as I realized that none of those feelings were true, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

In church they always talk about how Satan attacks your weaknesses and he knows what you struggle with personally. I had heard that but I had never applied it to me. Of course he was not going to attack me by using myself against me. That was too personal. I was too weak there. I had always pictured him as an external force that comes as temptations and people. But he is not. He uses your weaknesses and makes it personal. Your temptations can come from within and you can think they are you but when you stand up against yourself in that way, you become so much stronger. You find that weakness that you never realized you had and you make it strong and fortify it. Only you have the power to defeat your temptations.

Be strong and of a good courage...for the Lord, thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

In the Arms of Another Day

"I'm trapped but I'm not quite there...busy chasing a lost dream."

That is a line from a band called the daydream club, and you should check them out because they are super chill and practically perfect in every way.

I wish that I could write down feelings. I know that you can write down how you are feeling, but I wish that I was talented enough to get you to feel what I am right now, because it is one of the most lovely expressions of a soul that I believe is possibly out there in an ethereal existence. Now I see where Willy Wonka had issues. The feeling right now is one of soft anticipation on a summer night for the next day when you are going to do things with people that you know love you and that you can have a good time with, unmarred by drama or anything like that. THAT is a small part of what I am feeling right now. The completely contentment followed by a subtle excitement because you know good things are coming your way.

The music that I'm listening to is utterly ideal right now. It is the Burberry acoustic stuff, and honestly it is perfect. My dad was bored at work the other day and sent them to me...I'm trying to find a semi-legal way to download them all but to no avail. We'll figure something out.

This last weekend I went up into the mountains for the night with some friends. It was one of the most incredible times I can remember. The mountains themselves were beautiful, but they were completely transformed at night. We went up to the lake there at night (because we were going to do something...but lightning changed those plans). It was a blue moon and stormy. The mountains were illuminated in the light and made the most awe-inspiring backdrop. When the moon shone, you could see every feature on everyone's face. You could also see your own shadow. Someone said something about how they didn't know how people could say that there was not a creator. I second that. How can you not say that there is something after death when you see something like that and your heart yearns for something that you do not know or remember? Your soul is telling your body something. It is yearning for home. I believe that when you get those butterflies and soaring feelings in your stomach that you are experiencing something like what heaven was, that your soul recognizes some aspect of the moment and it makes you suddenly homesick.

The next day I was feeling a little bit lost, and so I started doing my own stuff up there in the mountains. There is a rock there that we would go to, so I decided that I'd go on a walk up there by myself. (everyone else was playing a game). It has started to rain, and there is something about rain that I find so intoxicating. Rain permeates every bit of my existence and it happens regardless of whether I am wet or not. [I have gotten my brother as hooked as me. One time this summer when I was back home it started to pour. I suddenly was like "Does anyone want to go out and play with me?" so he came and had a hurt foot so I would carry him into the puddles and stuff with him on my back. We had SO much fun. The next time it rained, he was practically chomping at the bit to get me out there so we could play again. One of my favorite moments this summer.] So I walked to this rock and it started to get darker and rain harder. I was with my friend's dog (she just went with me. didn't need a leash or anything!) and she could tell a storm was a brewing so she started heading back. But i kept going and stood on the edge and looked out at the canyon. The storm was traveling through the mountains and it must have been one of the most beautiful sights in the world right then. At that moment, there was no where else that I would rather be. Everything was lost in the echo of rain in the trees and the thunder rolling over pine-covered ranges. It started to realllly rain so I started walking back to the cabin. As I went back, I just felt so alive. I don't know if I have ever felt that alive, at least for a long time. I just wanted to scream, laugh, cry, and shout all at the same time. THe feeling of power and freedom was almost overwhelming to the point that I opened my mouth to scream but thought the better of it. Needless to say it was amazing.

I'm going to try something new this semester. I'm going to have confidence. I am going to wear all the bohemian things that I never thought I could carry off. I'm going to ROCK IT. Life is going to be great. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people think. Because who cares? Not I.

I'm going to head to bed now, listening to some more acoustic stuff. I just wanted to say that I've got another Dexter, just like in the book too (minus the drugs and sex). But I don't think it will quite work out that way. I am glad to have him as a friend, and he is one of the few people who I think could actually hurt me. There are a few out there, but I really care about his opinion. (Dang it. I've tried to not.) If he isn't telling the truth this time, I might not be able to bounce back from that one. (Friendship wise.) Fingers crossed. But I don't know whether to hold out for this one and to trust him again or to just face reality that he is just playing along to get me to stop talking...what is my mythological paradigm in this situation? Hm. It was because we were best friends. But he has moved on now and so have I. And I feel completely okay with that.

Thank U, India

Alanis Morissette has been speaking to my life lately (if you can't tell by the post headers). For some reason her voice is just salve to the soul.

I figured out why writing yesterday didn't work for writing. I was not ready to be honest. I wasn't ready to feel. There were so many different feelings that I did not want to address, but honestly that is the only way to regain clarity. I'm not saying that tonight will be a flood of frankness, but we'll just have to wait and see how I do.

OH. Random insert from the song I'm listening to..."How 'bout remembering your divinity? How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?". Beautiful.

I love going on adventures. I love doing it spontaneously. I HATE when the adventure is decided for me. I hate when the adventure leads to somewhere I know. I hate when the adventure involves people that I know already. I hate when the adventure is completely planned out and all I have to do is show up. But that is the adventure that I'll be embarking on at the end of this week. The thing that sucks is that I feel like I'm just pacing the cage. I don't have enough time to do something crazy because that'd be irresponsible and I should be packing or something insane like that. But it is enough time to feel completely useless. My family moves on without me and I am stuck right here where I've always seemed to exist which is in my own world which revolves opposite to that of everyone else. I am in a limbo that will not release itself until I get on that plane and it really begins. Until then I am a shadow of what I could be because I do not have the space to express myself. The deadline is suffocating me and leaving me no choice but to pace the cage.

Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm going to end up...but this is like the waiting period before ripping a band-aid off, or before you get a shot, or when you are in the dentists office and you know your teeth are feeling extra sensitive. The pit of your stomach kind of aches because it knows that change is coming. No matter how much you like change and embrace it, there will be some ounce of your being that will despise it for a second or so at least. That is what makes us human. We have this great thing called the unknown and we have to face it.

I'd like to send out into the Universe a quick apology. I am sorry that I have not been looking at the stars as much as I should. I need to be doing that more because I've been forgetting, and thanks to that my chi is all out of whack. There used to be those nights when I'd just stretch out on my car roof and look at the stars and be inspired by the incredible heights to which they rise. But, I have become someone who hardly looks at the heavens any more. That changes. Now.

Alright, now I'm going to get into the honesty part. It might get messy. Feel free to go read some other drivel or change windows or tabs because this is real. This is me. And that is what scares me the most. This is one adventure that is full of the unknown and it holds the key to a bigger world if I'm brave enough to stick it out...I'm not so sure that I am.

I am sorry. To all of you who are here at home, I have not been social. AT ALL. I kept saying that we should hang out, and I meant it. But I didn't try as hard as I should have to actually get together. I feel especially bad for bailing out on so many people at the last moment. You know who you are. And I'm sorry. It was cowardly and, for lack of a better word, it was lame. I know I gave you reasons for why I couldn't go or meet up...and it was pretty true I guess. But none of those were the real reason. I am scared of you. Scared to death that I'll want to go back to the old me because that is who you know me as. You have so much influence over me that I don't know if I'd be able to stay strong and remain as the character that I have found myself maturing into. I am also afraid of making connections because I am scared of change in people. I am afraid that you will change, that I will change, that our connection will be falsified. That it will be based on something that does not exist. That you really don't care. That you don't want to get to know me and it is all pity.

My insecurities have kept me from having fun. And that is a really, really big shame. I need to work on so many things. This last year at school taught me that I can have fun and become friends with people. I can open up online but am not so good at that in person. But I'm working on it, and thank you for bearing with me. You are all such good people that I don't deserve the patience that you have shown me. I keep sticking it back at you and never giving. Thanks for seeing the me that is underneath all this change and insecurity. You have seen the essence of who I am and you put up with the rest of me for it.  Thank you. If you are wondering who you are, it is to all of those who have gotten to know me and yet you still want to talk again.

Thank U.

How 'bout remembering your divinity?

Jagged Little Pill

Well, hello!

The summer has come and gone and everything has happened all too fast. Like always, I have more things to say than I can write right now. At least I think so. I want to do the typical "me" thing and cover it all right now, but by doing so I always seem to miss out on the big things. So forgive me if I'm a little scatter-brained.

Life is completely incredible. I forget sometimes just how amazing it is. There is this show, Pushing Daisies, which has to be one of the best shows ever to have gone into production (except for Psych, Monk, 30 Rock, Gilmore Girls, Friends, and The Tick). And on that show there is this girl who is absolutely the bomb and is so cool that I wish I could be like her. Her name is Chuck. Anyways, the Pie-Maker falls in love with her (again) [oh and he is my ideal companion for life and the beyond because he is everything anyone could ever want...minus the muscles]. She said this one phrase that I loved and it was "I feel so lucky to live somewhere where there is a sun-dappled anything."

Isn't that so true? I am so happy I can live in a world that allows things to be dappled by the sun and for beautiful words like dappled to exist. Words can do amazing things.

And for those of you poor souls who were confused by my mentioning of a short-lived and understated television program entitled The Tick, here is a little clip to enlighten your minds.

Enjoy.

I will be back later, when I am not so exhausted and when I actually remember the things that I have to say.

Forgive my gratuitous use of youtube videos, but this last one is my spirit animal.