We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night

The stars last night were gorgeous. I wish you could have seen them. Even if you live in this area and we shared the same spot in the sky, I doubt you would have taken the time to really see. To stop what you were doing and take two seconds to look out the window and really see the stars and moon. The jet trails were highlighted purple with black undertones as they hung in the sky, flying over all of us. I felt so little and yet like I was a part of something so huge. It was almost as if I wasn't supposed to see it, like it was message between angels that humans are never supposed to witness. I know I talk about the stars like this for the majority of my posts, but it inspires me. So be it.

One thing that I wanted to write about specifically is change. Those changes taking place in my life right now.

It has been a year of change. And trust me, I know change. I've moved at least a dozen times, been to seven schools, so I understand change. And I embrace it, wholeheartedly. This is different though. These transformations and alterations in my life have been based solely on my decisions. Not because my Dad's job required us to move, or because of homeschooling and stuff. No. This time it was all me.

So, senior year: I've dropped debate, drama, and band. All these activities which have defined me for years are gone. I'm not an integral part of any of the departments or teams. Yes, I still love all of them but I am no longer actively performing with any of the groups [except for band classes]. It was hard, but I decided to do that. I was just about to justify the choices, but I realized that I don't need to justify anything on my blog. Thank goodness.

Well, so I dropped all of that. On top of everything I've dyed my hair. Brown. Platinum blonde to brown. And I really like it. But it is so different from the old me. I've lost the majority of the things that I was identified with. I have changed.

But it is all good change. I don't think I have ever felt more like myself. It is so much easier for me to talk to people, relate, and just be Emily. I don't know that I've ever felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I am totally and essentially Emily.

So, what do I have left, you may wonder? My faith, my religion, my friends, memories, experiences, talents, and now time. Time to be me and figure out what role I will play in this world. Where I will best fit. It has taken me long enough, but I am finally there. To that place where I can exist in no form other than the essence of my soul, the bare character.

Forgive me for rambling, and talking about myself. But, that is what this is here for.

These are our amber days

Real quick, I just wanted to post a few of my college essays. I think they are so cool! Props to my Dad for being a major factor in getting these done!

I am a curly headed world traveler who strives for excellence. My school years thus far have been an eclectic mix of theatre, debate, travel, music, and change. I am the oldest in a family of four, plus two dogs. I have been active in my ward and branch youth programs as the class president of the Beehives, Miamaids, and Laurels. Theatre is something I enjoy greatly, both performance and production. While living in Southeast Asia I was part of an improv and classical acting school group, and traveled to Beijing for a thespian conference. Recently I was in a major school play and I am currently a part of my school’s improv troupe. As a National Forensics League member I have been captain of the forensics team, won district titles, and competed in the national tournament. As for music, I am an accomplished saxophone player in both the wind ensemble and jazz band, and taught myself both piano and guitar. I have been on the school’s academic honor roll since sixth grade and am involved in the National Honor Society. I am fluent in American sign language and soon hope to become a part of the American Sign Language Honor Society. During the summer you can find me at a local barn as a camp counselor teaching kids how to ride, groom, and tack horses. I love camping, backpacking, and travel of all kinds. I plan to pay my own way through college with minimal help from my parents, and believe that only then will I truly value my education and choose a path that makes me happy and forces me to challenge myself. I enjoy challenges and learning, so college will be the perfect environment for me.

I lived in Jakarta for two years and traveled extensively in Asia. Travel with school groups took me to Indonesia’s national parks, the Krakatoa volcano site off the Java coast, to Bali, and also to Beijing to attend an international theatre conference there. I also traveled with my family throughout Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Borneo (East Malaysia), and Thailand. The human and geographic diversity built into these experiences have shrunk distances to bring the world closer, from the slums of Jakarta to an orangutan preserve, from Singapore’s glitzy Orchard Road to devout Thai Buddhist monks and Muslim radicals.

I learned very early that you have to face trials to succeed. My Mom, now a seven year cancer survivor taught me that lesson first hand. Although listing accomplishments would be the standard approach to telling you more about myself, I know that deeper lessons lie in our reactions to life’s disappointments. Most recently and thus most painfully, I auditioned for a play that for years had been my dream to perform. As an experienced upperclassman, I was sure to fulfill my dream. But alas, I was cast in what I saw as the smallest role. Although it seemed nearly unbearable, I went into the long rehearsals with the attitude that I would do what I could with the role. Although it was painful to watch others in the parts I had visualized for myself, I received many compliments on my performance that I know I would not otherwise have had. Another experience that I’ll take with me on life’s journeys.

And the winds that blow remind me of what has been, and what can never be

My muse tonight, the rain, is pushing me to write something. I don't know what that something is yet, but I guess we'll find out together.

Today...was a day of reflections. But not the passive, ponderous type. I was out doing and discovering things. I rolled out of bed feeling older. Why this doesn't happen on my birthdays, I don't know. Regardless...I finally felt like a senior. And I came across something from my freshman year, what it was is a different story entirely. I remember feeling so old when I received it. It was like "oh, now I'm mature". I couldn't have been more wrong!

That got me to thinking, what does it mean to grow up? Most people use the 'social norms' to gauge their maturity and experience, things like turning 18 or 21, etc..Others use actual experiences that everyone is supposed to have. Such as your first kiss, first love, or first broken bone.

Maturity and 'growing up' to me means so many different things. Whether I'll ever be mature, well I doubt that. But I know I'm growing up because I have a much more developed sense of myself. I know what I like and dislike, my strengths and weaknesses, etc.. When I think of growing up, I think of a song by Taylor Berrett called "Grow Down".

Life was easier when we were three feet tall

And when we made mistakes we didn't have so far to fall

Problems are so far away when you're so close to the ground

Why can't we all just grow down?

There is another line that goes something like "when planning for the future meant saturdays, calling up a friend to come out and play. and when the time comes begging mama to let them stay". There is so much truth in that. I really miss when planning for the future meant 'saturday'. Not 'the rest of my life'.

Back to the point...kind of. After I found that freshman memory, I was tempted to ask this person if they didn't feel that too. I feel the same way I did back then, age wise, but I have many more experiences under my belt and realize mistakes I made. Does that make me more mature? *sigh* I really don't know.

As I am in the home stretch of senior year, I'm starting to think about these things. I want so badly to leave, but can't imagine actually doing it. So many of these people that I see everyday now will never reenter my life. The hallways are filled with bodies that will soon become forgotten in my mind.

Plus, this is the longest I've ever stayed anywhere. Then why doesn't it feel like home?

You can thank the rain for this lovely and unrelated conglomeration of thoughts.

If a double decker bus...

Life. Hey. How've you been? Nice to have you back.

These past few days have been awesome. Well, kind of. We had exams on Monday, then a teacher workday and have been snowed out the rest of the week! That is great and all, but the thing is we haven't done anything. Other than on Tuesday, which was really good.

My mom took my brothers, sister, and me to the Marine Corps Museum. Best museum ever. My brother is in the NJROTC program at his school and loves it. He loves the regimentation and everything. He is captain of his colorguard team and is only a freshman! But we went for him. Because he wants to be a marine. That museum was so inspiring. There was a main atrium with a beam going from the ground to the ceiling, at an angle. It represented a mast, it had coins at the bottom and followed the old Greek tradition which meant that if you place coins at the bottom of a mast, you will return with honor. Along the ceiling, where the marble met the glass, there were quotes. Perfect quotes.

"In Vietnam, uncommon valor was a common virtue."

It kind of reminded me of Mormonism. So many of the things we do are uncommon in regards to the world, but when we get together it is uncommon not to have those attributes and things. That was an idea that took me way too long to discover.

ANYWAYS. It was a beautiful presentation of something very ugly. War is ugly. But this was a respectful and inspiring gallery. One of the men there was a survivor of Iwo Jima. There was a picture actually of him. He was a part of the red two beach invasion I think. The museum also held the two flags raised, the first one and the famous second one of the picture. It was incredible, all in all. I felt so inspired and proud for my country. We have such a powerful history! One we can feel pride for. The freedom that we enjoy is the result of numerous conflicts and millions of deaths. But so many of the men and women that died knew why they did and were okay with it. At least judging by the museum. It makes me want to go serve!

It was a good Tuesday. One that gave me a new perspective on life. There are so many greater things out there to live for than the pettiness of high school. There is something bigger than all of us. While that may not be our country, it is one of the best things we've got.

Well, it is late. Farewell :)

The world spins madly on

This is simply a random compilation of thoughts. I'm sorry it isn't going to be very deep. But it represents the state of my mind right now. A jumble of musings.

Here is something I wrote in AP Lit class about the black box:

"The Black Box is where I spend most of my time (when I am not in class or at home). It is filled with so many wonderful memories. On one wall hangs all the posters from previous shows along with all the graduates from each class. Thoughout the room are props from previous and ongoing projects. The room is designed to be ambiguous. Completely neutras so as not to limit the imagination of those who use it. It is a place that encompasses chaos and serenity both. This is because the thespians that utilize the space the most are those that find peace in the entropy of the universe. It is a place of creation and magic. Bonds are forged between people and also between those people and their words. The props are faint reminders of what once was, but also a strong force pushing you to what could be."

Bear with me here. There is a poem that I love. Very much. It is called: "A Finger, Two dots, then me" by Derrick Brown. I suggest you read it. It details the relationship between these two people. It follows them into outer space. That is where they went after they died. But one died before the other, and he waited. Although they were only balls of energy then, he still found her. Here is the part I love the most:

Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."

I think it is the sweetest thing. So beautiful. One last thing before I leave you with this chaotic assortment of memories and feelings. There is a video that fits tonight perfectly. Tonight the stars shine, and the cool breeze is the kind that keeps your body grounded while the rest of you flies off into imagination.

I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

As I was walking through the stores today, I was doing some solo shopping, and I heard the song: "Collide" by Howie Day. I'm sure you've heard it. Almost every adolescent teen has.

It always reminds me of Jakarta. If you don't know, the two years I spent in Jakarta were some of the most formative I've ever had. It made me who I am today in a way that nothing else, save my religion, has.

The particular memory that came to mind today was of the Cilandak Talent Show thing my seventh grade year. I was the lights girl, and as usual I was doing lights for this show. Therefore I was able to see the show beforehand. This one guy sang Collide and I asked him why. He said it was for his girlfriend. When he sang it I made sure to look at her face. She was crying. I thought it was one of the sweetest things I've ever witnessed. I wondered how it could be that two eighth graders (they were a year older than me) could be connected that deeply. I know that through my description they did not seem too extraordinary. But when they looked at each other, there was no way to doubt the intensity of the connection there. They understood each other fully.

I realized it is because being overseas changes you. That is where I found a friend that I can remain best friends with, even though we don't talk for years. You cling to what you know, and you learn to become friends quick. You reach a higher level when you move overseas. It changes the way of thinking. One of the ways I know this is because I'll be friends with a person and we'll be good friends and I'll find out that they are overseas kids too.

I don't know why I wrote this, all I know is that I was impressed to do so.

Moving on.

Well. Actually I can't think of anything else. The stars have ceased to be a muse for the past few weeks due to lack of them thanks to the weather. And yeah, that's about it. Goodnight all.

The design in the stars is the same in our hearts

Hello.

Hello world. Hello life. Hello adventure.

Who am I? Where am I going? I don't know. But I do know that there is an adventure in store. And I'm ready. Life, take me. Take me where the wind blows. To the place where I can still see the line created when the deep blue of the sky and that of the ocean meet together. Where the stars kiss the waves so deeply that Venus and Adonis would be jealous. I know a place where the sun meets the sky. That is where I want to be.

Even though, wherever I go, I probably won't be able to see that place it will be okay. I will carry that place in my heart. It is my 'happy place'. My sanctuary.

I remember this one trip I took in Indonesia to a volcano. We had stayed on this island for four days and had packed up the night before. We woke up at four in the morning, ate pancakes at the hut, and then piled onto the speedboats. It was dark, and I was trying to sleep on the hull of the boat. The water was flat, relatively speaking. And the clouds covered the sky, so it was dark for a good while. But when the sun finally started to show, it created an image that will forever remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful I have ever seen. The holes in the clouds allowed the light to pass through in concentrated columns. Those pillars shone straight down and spotted the water. It was glorious to say the least. That became the place I went when I longed for something different. Longed for change. I also remember that a hour into that trip we came across dolphins swimming next to our boat. And then when Anak Krakatoa became this green emergence above the blue of the ocean, I thought it could not get any better.

My sanctuary.

Anyways, I'm trying to come up with clever things to say but I can't think of anything at the moment. So, Emily signing off. Merry Christmas Eve!