I don't have answers, and neither do you

So here it is. And here I am.

There is something that needs to be said and I need to find out what it is, or else forfeit all sleep tonight. Now what could it be?

Hermeneutic studies. Phenomenological research. That is what I'm leaning towards. We read a play in theatre a few weeks ago from a phenomenological book my teacher was reading for his doctorate class. Wow. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be affected like that. I've been thinking about it all the time and that is what has spurred me to create a monologue for our project on change. I like to credit myself with the birth of this project, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it is called "The Elements". Each person in our class is going to do something, either in a group or alone (or both), that is a tableau and statement about where they are in their lives right now. Then we fit them into an element and create this fluid creature that changes with us and moves in the direction we push it. It is a project unlike any other, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I chose to do a monologue of my own 'creation'. They aren't my words, I took them from the Fantasticks and Under Milkwood, but I wish they were. They say what I wish I could. But here it is, a statement on my position in life right now and on what I'm experiencing and wish to share:

You wonder how these things begin. It begins with a season, which, for want of a better word, we might as well call: September. Listen, it is night. Try to see it, not with your eyes for they are wise. But see it with your ears: the cool, green breathing of the leaves and hear it with the inside of your hand the soundless sound of shadows flicking light. Listen. It is night moving in the streets, the processional salt slow musical wind. It is the grass growing, dewfall, starfall, the sleep of birds. Time passes. Listen. Time passes. Come closer now. Only you can hear and see the movements and countries and mazes and colors and dismays and rainbows and tunes and wishes and flight and fall and despairs and big seas of their dreams. Celebrate sensation. Recall that secret place, you've been there, you remember. That special place where once, just once, in your crowded sunlit lifetime you hid away from the tyranny of time. That spot beside the clover, where someone's hand held your hand, where love was sweeter than the berries or the honey or the stinging taste of mint. Where instead of reading textbooks, tried to memorize the moon. The sleep of birds, drift through the live dusk of this place of love. It was September before a rain fall, a perfect time to be in love. There is Heaven on Earth, a green-leaved sermon on the innocence of men.

So there it is, and on that note I bid thee farewell.

So won't you come home and dance with me baby

Oh hey.

If I had written this earlier today, I would be going on a rant about how stupid high school is and how no one really functions on my level. As pious and conceited as that sounds, it felt like that earlier. I was thinking about hermeneudic studies and philosophy of dialogue and the meaning of life (no joke.) while everyone else is talking about what prom is going to be like and how she said something that was sooooo offensive that they might have to switch groups and her dress is exactly the same and they're friends with that group....UGH. no more.

BUT, this is not earlier and I really don't care about all of that now. Easy A and Ben Rector changed that. I'm falling back into that 'falling in love with love' mood, but this time it is different. I'm falling in love with life. Life has its own rhythm that only it knows and doesn't want to share. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Trusting in the Lord that it will all work out.

Easy A got me to thinking about boys and my whole love fixation. It really seems like an obsession, chick flicks, romance novels, etc...I've gotten over that. For the most part. I don't think this is something I'll ever outgrow, but at this point I don't mind. So anywho, boys. Movies like Easy A used to frustrate me to no end, because I could never find a boy like that one. I would be in a mood for days as I try to attract the closest guy I could find like that. Which obviously never worked out. But no more. This movie made me realize how perfect my eternal companion will be. Not perfect, but for what I'm talking about yes. I love how at the end of the movie Todd is just standing in her front yard and opens his arms, expecting her to come running to him. I LOVEE that. I rewinded to it like five times. I realized today though, I don't need to find someone who does exactly that. But find the attitude behind it. That is what is perfect. Find someone who is willing to open up so completely and embrace me in a way that makes it okay for me to go running to him like that. He'll also have to be strong enough to catch me...but minor details.

The same thing happened in AP Chem, except we were watching Stardust. I have always loved Tristan, the new one not the one obsessed with Victoria. When he and Yvaine were walking next to each other on their way to Wall and he pushes her, it is so perfect. They are so comfortable with each other that they can joke and tease and love it. My teacher commented on that part and said: "See! Look at how gentle he is with her." And he was, even though they were pushing and shoving, there was a gentle tenderness behind it. That is what I need to find. The base on which all I love is founded. I don't need the guy who does the actions but I need one with the motivation behind it.

Ben Rector only solidified all of that. I'm loving it. I'm loving today. I'm loving life. The moment, that is where I exist right now. I have no other worries outside of now. I don't care what is for dinner, I care about the chords I'm hearing now. Now. The moment.

I'll find my guy, maybe I've already found him but I just don't know yet. Either way, it will figure itself out. All I have to do is be myself and it will happen. I don't know who all reads this, but I'm curious about your thoughts. Please comment or facebook me or ask me a tumblr question about this with thoughts or questions!

This is so wonderful. Life is so good. I look around my room and see a mixture of all the things I've integrated into my life over the past few years. My notebooks, thought books, vinyl records, Audrey Hepburn posters and calendar, peace poster, a poster about world hunger, posters from my shows, books galore, mix cds from friends, paintings and my neutral duvet that somehow accomodates me and all of my craziness. The neutral brings it all together with my brown walls with masks and batiks hanging on it.

Today life seemed to have stopped just to be content. There is no reason in particular for me to be like this, I just am. And I am so grateful I have the freedom to be so.

The cure for pain

Jon Foreman. Go onto grooveshark. NOW. make a playlist and listen to it while reading this.

I finally have things to write about, but its as if they all tried to get out at once and became blocked up somewhere on their flight into existence. Those fleeting little words piled up together can become a force to be reckoned with. Not my words, they are small and insignificant. But words in general can hold such power. To comfort, to hurt, to push away, to pull in. I've done my fair share and more of pushing people away. I'm scared easily.

Surprised? I'd actually like to know what you think on that matter, send me a message about that or something please.

"Heaven knows I've tried to find a cure for the pain". What scares me? Goodbyes, relationships, people who know what I'm doing, etc...oh. and the movie 'Signs'. A friend of mine passed away yesterday, and it has gotten me to think about my life and where I stand with friends and acquaintances. We weren't that close, but I knew him and we've talked about just about everything. We just drifted apart this year, and now he is gone.

Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed and was cleaning up my room, I went into my parents room and picked up the guitar and started playing one of my favorite songs. My little brother yelled "Shut up" from the end of the hallway and that sort of set me off tonight..I was picking up stuff and just crumpled onto the floor. I curled up into a little ball and cried. I couldn't help it. The tears were for my friend who will never live to graduate or experience life after high school, for my lack of general ability in just about everything, and for the world. Everything is twisted. Up is down and black is white, good is evil and vice versa. I've gotten lost in the flipping.

But that will have to be reserved for tomorrow. I'm falling asleep at my computer right now.

Sleep well, I'm going to try to get some shut eye before the long day begins again.

You know where to find me.

Tonight is a Jack's mannequin night. I'm hovering somewhere in the limbo of confusion that exists between joy and pain. I feel neither, but instead am experiencing a strange mixture of the diluted versions of both. Maybe it comes with being a senior? But I'm sure a goodly amount of it is just me.

So I find myself curled up and writing.

Writing for sanity, clarity, and peace. What gives me peace is knowing that someone out there, I don't know who, will read this. That alone gives me comfort. I don't tell people about my blog, I don't post it to sites saying "Read this" or anything. This blog is for me and the people who know about it are those who either stumble across it or know me enough to learn I have one, or actively searched for it. For you, I am grateful.

Why do I keep drawing blanks when I want to write? It is just one of those nights I guess.

High school is almost over for me, and that realization caused me to look back on all my years of schooling. I've been to a catholic school, international school, I've been home schooled, and in addition to that I've been to three other public schools and now I'm settled. I never thought that when we moved back that we would stay. I didn't try to make friends because I didn't think that I'd need any. It seemed logical that we'd move somewhere and the people here would continue on with their lives and forget. But no. Here we stayed.

I've started and restarted this post so I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to write about, because usually I find something and settle into it know that it is what I'm meant to post. Tonight I had no such feeling, my thoughts are scattered but in a thousand different directions so that I can't tell the main place to focus. What I'm thinking: deciding on a prom dress, what I really want for my birthday is for people to write me letters that I can keep and read over and over and put in my memory box, AP tests are a bit stressful, improv show, ... the list goes on and on. But in a few weeks I will be free from all restraint, hello freedom. Hello life. I shall welcome you back shortly!

In the meantime, I need my sleep. If you read all the way to here, thank you. I just realized exactly what I need, someone to talk to. Not like I talk and they listen. But someone to have an active and equal conversation with about ideas, not just people. If you're up for it, just let me know.

Walls are caving in

If you play the song "Caves" by Jack's Mannequin while reading this, you will have found the perfect accompaniment. This is not a sad post. Hopefully. I'm thinking it will be more reflective and down to earth. It's late. The weather is perfect. And I'm listening to caves. It all leads to thoughts that fall hard like anvil raindrops. Despite the fact that it sounds like a bad indie band, that is the best analogy I can think of.

These thoughts are somehow hitting hard today and unexpectedly. They fall without regard as to where or when. I wish I had the talent to put what I'm thinking into music. Such a beautiful tableau when someone is enveloped in the music and is bent over the piano, creating something beautiful and straight from their heart to yours. No middleman, just pure and unadulterated pain, love, sorrow, loss, joy, and utter humanity transferred directly to that cavity you carry in your heart for those magical moments to fill.

But I am not a musician. This small plebeian will have to duke it out using words and world wide web.

Yet, now that I'm actually here I don't know what to write about. I want to thank my friends for being such great people and inspiring me as we've hung out this week. But that doesn't seem right. Somehow I always settle into a topic that feels right, I just need to find this one.

Friends? No. Family? No. College? Not really. The fact that I'm leaving? Nope. My birthday is in five days? Not even close. What am I supposed to write about? The transient nature of human life? Hah.

Simplicity. Peace. Being. Ah, there you are. This is something that has been on my mind for a good long while. And there it will likely stay for years to come. I've been trying to work on simplifying things. My room, my schedule, schoolwork, everything. Since we didn't go anywhere this break, I didn't get the same cleansing experience I usually do. Whenever we go to the Carolinas I always come back feeling more at home with myself and position in life in relation to myself and others. I get away from technology and I feel great. But this year I had no such luck. I almost felt as if I was tied to my phone. I've found myself longing for the beaches of Eddisto and Okracoke. Just sitting there. I was always at home there.

I like to find peace in the simple things in life. I'm just about the lowest maintenance personality out there, or at least I like to think so. Give me a backpack, food, and clothing and I'll be happy. I rarely worry about things, that is what gives me a greater view of life than my peers, other than being LDS, there is something else. "Don't sweat the small stuff".

I really have been thinking about this, ever since I saw Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to go to India with her so bad, to be able to look that deep inside yourself and find that inner peace, that is a chance in a lifetime. Someday that will be me. I know it.

Anyways, it's past the time I usually go to sleep. Good night and happy easter.

Oh those summer nights

This is going to be a super quick post. I'm exhausted and at this point it is very late. Considering the week I just had, at least.

Tonight is a beautiful night for thinking. Today I did nothing but that, think. About everything.

I sat out on the stage for a good while contemplating the fact that my high school career is quickly coming to a close. "And with it, all our dreams." It is wild that pretty soon I'll be off doing my own thing. Tickets have been bought, rooms reserved, now all I have to do is get there.

I want to thank everyone that I worked with last week, you guys are amazing. I didn't think I was going to miss anyone this much after meeting them so soon. Everyone from freshman up to seniors, I loved last week and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Only a few more weeks. I can't quite believe it.

I am the sun and the air

Let me begin by saying that I apologize too much. I had a friend point that out to me the other day, and I agree completely. SO from here on out, no apologies. Just me and my thoughts. Read at your own risk, I regret nothing.

Something that I keep wanting to write about happened a few nights ago. The weather was absolutely perfect. During the day I'd sat out on my driveway in the warmth and the breeze and did some work. It must have been in the 70s that day. It was glorious!

ANYWAYS. that night I had rehearsal and when it ended and I walked outside, I knew that there was no way I could let that night go without doing something. Anything. So, I get in my car, turn up the Smiths, and start driving. I find myself going towards this lake. I park and walk down to it and I'm completely alone. The stars are out, the breeze is blowing, and it is still in the solid 70s. I go down to the pier area and I just observe the night. There was thunder rolling in the distance, geese honking, airplanes, etc...Then within all that chaos I found peace. I stood there in the grass overlooking the water and I felt as though I was ten feet tall and could do anything. The world was at my fingertips. At that moment, I settled more into myself and understood more of who I am.

Then it started to rain. It was light drizzle and was enough to make me catch my breath because of the beauty of the scene. For a long time I stood there in the rain just trying to remember it. Store it in my brain forever. Soon enough the rain let up and I was left there just to ponder. I thought about a lot of things. College and how excited I am to be going. Scholarships. The musical. People. And how happy I am with the place I'm in.

Due to my late hours, this is all I have. Sampai jumpa.