Alanis Morissette has been speaking to my life lately (if you can't tell by the post headers). For some reason her voice is just salve to the soul.
I figured out why writing yesterday didn't work for writing. I was not ready to be honest. I wasn't ready to feel. There were so many different feelings that I did not want to address, but honestly that is the only way to regain clarity. I'm not saying that tonight will be a flood of frankness, but we'll just have to wait and see how I do.
OH. Random insert from the song I'm listening to..."How 'bout remembering your divinity? How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?". Beautiful.
I love going on adventures. I love doing it spontaneously. I HATE when the adventure is decided for me. I hate when the adventure leads to somewhere I know. I hate when the adventure involves people that I know already. I hate when the adventure is completely planned out and all I have to do is show up. But that is the adventure that I'll be embarking on at the end of this week. The thing that sucks is that I feel like I'm just pacing the cage. I don't have enough time to do something crazy because that'd be irresponsible and I should be packing or something insane like that. But it is enough time to feel completely useless. My family moves on without me and I am stuck right here where I've always seemed to exist which is in my own world which revolves opposite to that of everyone else. I am in a limbo that will not release itself until I get on that plane and it really begins. Until then I am a shadow of what I could be because I do not have the space to express myself. The deadline is suffocating me and leaving me no choice but to pace the cage.
Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm going to end up...but this is like the waiting period before ripping a band-aid off, or before you get a shot, or when you are in the dentists office and you know your teeth are feeling extra sensitive. The pit of your stomach kind of aches because it knows that change is coming. No matter how much you like change and embrace it, there will be some ounce of your being that will despise it for a second or so at least. That is what makes us human. We have this great thing called the unknown and we have to face it.
I'd like to send out into the Universe a quick apology. I am sorry that I have not been looking at the stars as much as I should. I need to be doing that more because I've been forgetting, and thanks to that my chi is all out of whack. There used to be those nights when I'd just stretch out on my car roof and look at the stars and be inspired by the incredible heights to which they rise. But, I have become someone who hardly looks at the heavens any more. That changes. Now.
Alright, now I'm going to get into the honesty part. It might get messy. Feel free to go read some other drivel or change windows or tabs because this is real. This is me. And that is what scares me the most. This is one adventure that is full of the unknown and it holds the key to a bigger world if I'm brave enough to stick it out...I'm not so sure that I am.
I am sorry. To all of you who are here at home, I have not been social. AT ALL. I kept saying that we should hang out, and I meant it. But I didn't try as hard as I should have to actually get together. I feel especially bad for bailing out on so many people at the last moment. You know who you are. And I'm sorry. It was cowardly and, for lack of a better word, it was lame. I know I gave you reasons for why I couldn't go or meet up...and it was pretty true I guess. But none of those were the real reason. I am scared of you. Scared to death that I'll want to go back to the old me because that is who you know me as. You have so much influence over me that I don't know if I'd be able to stay strong and remain as the character that I have found myself maturing into. I am also afraid of making connections because I am scared of change in people. I am afraid that you will change, that I will change, that our connection will be falsified. That it will be based on something that does not exist. That you really don't care. That you don't want to get to know me and it is all pity.
My insecurities have kept me from having fun. And that is a really, really big shame. I need to work on so many things. This last year at school taught me that I can have fun and become friends with people. I can open up online but am not so good at that in person. But I'm working on it, and thank you for bearing with me. You are all such good people that I don't deserve the patience that you have shown me. I keep sticking it back at you and never giving. Thanks for seeing the me that is underneath all this change and insecurity. You have seen the essence of who I am and you put up with the rest of me for it. Thank you. If you are wondering who you are, it is to all of those who have gotten to know me and yet you still want to talk again.
Thank U.
How 'bout remembering your divinity?
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Jagged Little Pill
Well, hello!
The summer has come and gone and everything has happened all too fast. Like always, I have more things to say than I can write right now. At least I think so. I want to do the typical "me" thing and cover it all right now, but by doing so I always seem to miss out on the big things. So forgive me if I'm a little scatter-brained.
Life is completely incredible. I forget sometimes just how amazing it is. There is this show, Pushing Daisies, which has to be one of the best shows ever to have gone into production (except for Psych, Monk, 30 Rock, Gilmore Girls, Friends, and The Tick). And on that show there is this girl who is absolutely the bomb and is so cool that I wish I could be like her. Her name is Chuck. Anyways, the Pie-Maker falls in love with her (again) [oh and he is my ideal companion for life and the beyond because he is everything anyone could ever want...minus the muscles]. She said this one phrase that I loved and it was "I feel so lucky to live somewhere where there is a sun-dappled anything."
Isn't that so true? I am so happy I can live in a world that allows things to be dappled by the sun and for beautiful words like dappled to exist. Words can do amazing things.
And for those of you poor souls who were confused by my mentioning of a short-lived and understated television program entitled The Tick, here is a little clip to enlighten your minds.
Enjoy.
I will be back later, when I am not so exhausted and when I actually remember the things that I have to say.
Forgive my gratuitous use of youtube videos, but this last one is my spirit animal.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Oh, Take Me Back to the Start
Just to let you know, I am still going to be writing for myself on here. I know that some people read it, but I do just want to write for me. If you like it, then we will just count that as a bonus. But I'm not trying to impress, wow, or inspire. Really, I just want to write about a person trying to live her life the best that she knows how and needs a place for her words to be heard and recorded in the vast expanse of the internet. She just wants to know that her existence is marked somewhere in the world. I have a site all my own, it makes me feel bigger. It is like I have a place to call my own that makes me matter, it makes me important.
We are human. We feel the desire to be wanted and loved. In order to do that we feel like we have to be normal. The media tells us that in order to be loveable and wanted that you need to be unique. But you cannot be too unique because then you are weird and no one wants someone who is weird. But you cannot be too normal because then you do not stand out in the crowd. How are you supposed to grow up and be grounded in a world like this?
There are so many things that I do because I think it will make me normal. Being home, I've noticed it more so. I make tea or something like it every night because it makes me feel like I have a routine. Something that I like to do is think in images, as though everything I do is a snapshot in some scrapbook that exists only in my mind. I see myself sipping tea, curled up on the couch in my sweatpants, and I think "that is normal". I feel like Meg Ryan and she is normal and I like it. When that happens, it is easier to ignore all of the strange things going on in my head. And there are many. This makes me feel that in some alternate universe I can live and thrive in a normal society. Also, it gives me time to sit in the kitchen alone and cry. Crying is not because it is sad, sometimes it is because that is just the way that things go, but I cry recently because it is a release for emotions.
Tonight I cried because my new job is stressful, I am not getting my old one done, and nothing is going the way I planned. There are so many things that I keep failing on, that I just can't get right. I cannot keep track of the blogs and I am too tired to really sit down and get them done. Maybe I'll just have to up the meds, we'll see. But that is one major thing that I'm not doing right. I need to pay for school next year. Mom and Dad have done more than enough and as of right now, I am not in debt and I would like to keep it that way. I'm hitting the gym everyday and that makes me feel great. I'm finally starting to feel good about my body, and that seems to be the one thing that I can control in my life. It also allows me to get out of the house, other than going to work. Independence, even in theory, is a beautiful thing.
But I just kind of sort of broke down tonight. I feel so unwanted and alone some times. There are people who try to get to know me, and I really appreciate it. They make an effort to like me as a person, but somehow it just never quite works out. There is always something about me that people find off-putting, but they try to put it behind them. But that little funny thing keeps popping up.
There is a huge amount of me that no one will ever get. I cannot think about anyone who would ever really understand where I am coming from or make me feel like where I was coming from mattered in some insignificant way. My dad kind of beat that dead horse tonight when he told me that we, as ADDers, have these great imaginations and anectdotes but they really aren't that great and let's be real and understand that no one cares. I wasn't upset because that was news to me, it upset me because I knew that it was true and I just do not have anything else to do. No one, and that means no one, wants to hear my stories. It is a truth universally acknowledged that I am a better listener than story teller, but sometimes I just need someone to listen and make me feel like my puny existence makes this world even a little better. Not even that much, just that it does not make the world worse. Thank you Dad for reminding me of that painfully real fact. "Dear Emily, no one cares. No one cares to understand. You will live forever in your mind and no one can comprehend how different it is in there than out here."
This is a long week, so this post is showing it. Just some thought that I want to add is from the hymn, "How Great Thou Art". This is one of my favorite hymns. I've learned a new meaning to the line "Oh Lord, My God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made..." The worlds exist on this planet, each person sees the world differently. They create their own world that is based on the surroundings they find themselves living in.
We are human. We feel the desire to be wanted and loved. In order to do that we feel like we have to be normal. The media tells us that in order to be loveable and wanted that you need to be unique. But you cannot be too unique because then you are weird and no one wants someone who is weird. But you cannot be too normal because then you do not stand out in the crowd. How are you supposed to grow up and be grounded in a world like this?
There are so many things that I do because I think it will make me normal. Being home, I've noticed it more so. I make tea or something like it every night because it makes me feel like I have a routine. Something that I like to do is think in images, as though everything I do is a snapshot in some scrapbook that exists only in my mind. I see myself sipping tea, curled up on the couch in my sweatpants, and I think "that is normal". I feel like Meg Ryan and she is normal and I like it. When that happens, it is easier to ignore all of the strange things going on in my head. And there are many. This makes me feel that in some alternate universe I can live and thrive in a normal society. Also, it gives me time to sit in the kitchen alone and cry. Crying is not because it is sad, sometimes it is because that is just the way that things go, but I cry recently because it is a release for emotions.
Tonight I cried because my new job is stressful, I am not getting my old one done, and nothing is going the way I planned. There are so many things that I keep failing on, that I just can't get right. I cannot keep track of the blogs and I am too tired to really sit down and get them done. Maybe I'll just have to up the meds, we'll see. But that is one major thing that I'm not doing right. I need to pay for school next year. Mom and Dad have done more than enough and as of right now, I am not in debt and I would like to keep it that way. I'm hitting the gym everyday and that makes me feel great. I'm finally starting to feel good about my body, and that seems to be the one thing that I can control in my life. It also allows me to get out of the house, other than going to work. Independence, even in theory, is a beautiful thing.
But I just kind of sort of broke down tonight. I feel so unwanted and alone some times. There are people who try to get to know me, and I really appreciate it. They make an effort to like me as a person, but somehow it just never quite works out. There is always something about me that people find off-putting, but they try to put it behind them. But that little funny thing keeps popping up.
There is a huge amount of me that no one will ever get. I cannot think about anyone who would ever really understand where I am coming from or make me feel like where I was coming from mattered in some insignificant way. My dad kind of beat that dead horse tonight when he told me that we, as ADDers, have these great imaginations and anectdotes but they really aren't that great and let's be real and understand that no one cares. I wasn't upset because that was news to me, it upset me because I knew that it was true and I just do not have anything else to do. No one, and that means no one, wants to hear my stories. It is a truth universally acknowledged that I am a better listener than story teller, but sometimes I just need someone to listen and make me feel like my puny existence makes this world even a little better. Not even that much, just that it does not make the world worse. Thank you Dad for reminding me of that painfully real fact. "Dear Emily, no one cares. No one cares to understand. You will live forever in your mind and no one can comprehend how different it is in there than out here."
This is a long week, so this post is showing it. Just some thought that I want to add is from the hymn, "How Great Thou Art". This is one of my favorite hymns. I've learned a new meaning to the line "Oh Lord, My God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made..." The worlds exist on this planet, each person sees the world differently. They create their own world that is based on the surroundings they find themselves living in.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Kaleidoscope Heart
The moon is shining through my window onto my arm and it makes me feel so at home. I've downed a couple glasses of Cocacola, I am on episode seven of Deep Space Nine, and there is no sign of sleep in the next few hours.
What the fetch is exo-archaeology?
Moving on. Moonlight is so beautiful, isn't it? It does the same thing that rain and snow does, it almost exposes the nature of the true spirit of each person. When it shines on someone's face, truth becomes the only language that anyone can speak. Walking through heavy rain causes people to reveal their essential, transient beings. They make a conscious decision to become one of two people. One person would run through the rain, having raindrops fall into their eyes and sting and cause them to run faster and become annoyed with each and every drop that hits them. They are thinking ahead, to the party that night, the time they'll see someone that they think cares about the way they look, or how they have to change clothes because all they are wearing has become slightly damp.
The second person is the one who walks through the rain, every cell of their being rejoicing in the feeling of living that the falling droplets give. Exhilaration rushes through their veins as they take the time to simply live. They take that moment, those few minutes that will never occur again in all the history of the earth, and they make it count. They make it memorable. They could have let it go past and it would just become another rain, nothing remarkable about it at all. But they don't, they ask "why" in response to society's imposition of image and they tell society that it is wrong.
Okay, that may have been a little exaggerated, but bear with me as I learn to love language again. I've been reading too much Jack Kerouac. He tends to do the same thing. I want it to be known, I read On the Road before it was cool. Hipster for life.
There are so many different images of what I want to be. That is how I think, a lot of the time, in images. One of them is the writer sitting around a loft in New York writing a novel of some sort or another. Each stroke her fingers lends brilliance and eloquence to her plot. Nothing is silly and everything is just perfect. She is comfortable and all she needs is a cup of tea to keep her going.
Here is a very brief summary of things that I want/want to be like/etc. Just some thoughts. Enjoy. I'm going back to my Final Frontier.
What the fetch is exo-archaeology?
Moving on. Moonlight is so beautiful, isn't it? It does the same thing that rain and snow does, it almost exposes the nature of the true spirit of each person. When it shines on someone's face, truth becomes the only language that anyone can speak. Walking through heavy rain causes people to reveal their essential, transient beings. They make a conscious decision to become one of two people. One person would run through the rain, having raindrops fall into their eyes and sting and cause them to run faster and become annoyed with each and every drop that hits them. They are thinking ahead, to the party that night, the time they'll see someone that they think cares about the way they look, or how they have to change clothes because all they are wearing has become slightly damp.
The second person is the one who walks through the rain, every cell of their being rejoicing in the feeling of living that the falling droplets give. Exhilaration rushes through their veins as they take the time to simply live. They take that moment, those few minutes that will never occur again in all the history of the earth, and they make it count. They make it memorable. They could have let it go past and it would just become another rain, nothing remarkable about it at all. But they don't, they ask "why" in response to society's imposition of image and they tell society that it is wrong.
Okay, that may have been a little exaggerated, but bear with me as I learn to love language again. I've been reading too much Jack Kerouac. He tends to do the same thing. I want it to be known, I read On the Road before it was cool. Hipster for life.
There are so many different images of what I want to be. That is how I think, a lot of the time, in images. One of them is the writer sitting around a loft in New York writing a novel of some sort or another. Each stroke her fingers lends brilliance and eloquence to her plot. Nothing is silly and everything is just perfect. She is comfortable and all she needs is a cup of tea to keep her going.
Here is a very brief summary of things that I want/want to be like/etc. Just some thoughts. Enjoy. I'm going back to my Final Frontier.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
So, Here We Go Bluebird
I wanted to title this after some lyric from Iris, but that seemed too cliche. Oh, if you have not noticed...all of these posts are named after song lyrics. Just FYI.
I am here to tell you that life is weird. Surprise, spoiler alert. It seems weird in middle school and high school. It doesn't stop evolving into something that is so strange you can't even recognize it as your own life anymore. It becomes something not your own and you see it from a third person point of view almost, until then something shakes you back into reality and out of the psychological disconnect that you are feeling.
Let your life breathe.
When you do not let it, it becomes this beast pacing inside of you making you anxious. That is what happened to me tonight.
I've forgotten that music can really and truly move me, and remind my soul of what is important. It had been so long since that happened, tonight was making up for all the lost time. There was a musical revue at my old high school. I've been back to visit twice and that is all I think I'll go back. They have their own lives, the teachers have moved on. I'll visit Mr. Richards and I think that is it. But anyways, so the musical revue was tonight and it was comprised of many different people singing many different songs. Duh. So there was this one woman who sang the song "Days of Plenty" from the musical Little Women. I just started to sob. It was as though something inside of me had exploded and the only way to keep my body from imploding into the hole was through crying. I was completely overwhelmed by emotions that came from every-which psychological direction.
Suddenly I was hit with the fact that everything in my past has happened. For some reason it has all felt like a dream recently, but tonight that changed. I was shocked with the feeling that came with acceptance of my past and realization of the uncertainty of my future. "There has to be meaning...so believe that she matters! and believe that she always will!" Those were the lyrics that really struck me. Something that I've been having trouble with lately is that my life has meaning and that I can change things. There have been so many times that I've thought that the world doesn't need someone as small as me. I have grand ideals, but most people do. I am lost in a sea of theoretics and dreams while I am not working to make them come true. Not because I don't want it bad enough, but because I don't know how to make those dreams come true.
Another strange feeling came from a song that a friend sang tonight. She graduated a while ago and when she sang, it reminded me of sitting backstage listening to her sing in Into the Woods. Her voice transported me back to a time that I have blocked out of my mind. It hurt to think about it, it hurt to think about that time. I don't entirely know why, but I know that it happened and I know that it touched me. I cried because things have changed and will never, ever go back. Why does this happen? Is everyone this unsure? Does change really feel this strange? I was honestly sitting there feeling like I was going insane. There were so many thoughts that I wasn't going to rule that option out.
I am going to miss my friends who are going on missions, I won't see them again for the most part. I'll get wedding invitations from them, maybe an email or two. But that part of my life is literally gone and scattered across the earth. Never to be reassembled again. I am missing some of them already because I keep wanting to talk to them but realize that I can't because they don't want to hear what I have to say because what they are doing is so much more important than any of my petty things.
I am scared for the future. I am scared that it isn't going to give me what I want. That I won't be able to have the life that I want and will be dissatisfied. I know that God is going to make it more than I could hope, I just hope that I can be fine with it. Prayers, scripture reading, and listening to General Authorities ought to fix that, right? Right!
Another thing, I HATE BEING A GIRL. I get all lonely sometimes and it sucks like nothing else. There are those times when you just need someone to give you a wonderfully tight hug and tell you that everything will be okay and that you are beautiful no matter what. That who ever it is cares for you and will because you are important to them. They actually care what you think. I like having someone there because they are there for cuddling and everything and it is just warm and beautiful. I have a friend that I saw tonight that would make a great romantic interest. I'm not saying that I'm interested in him, we're just friends. Legit, that's it. But his personality that is fun in such a way that everything would just be fun and cute and light. I love that! Nothing would be terribly awkward or heavy with emotion and thought. He would be thoughtful without being weird. I would love something like that. Please.
But alas and alack, I am alone and shall remain so. I bid you adieu for tonight, I'm going to go drown my feelings in coca-cola, cookies, and Deep Space Nine.
I am here to tell you that life is weird. Surprise, spoiler alert. It seems weird in middle school and high school. It doesn't stop evolving into something that is so strange you can't even recognize it as your own life anymore. It becomes something not your own and you see it from a third person point of view almost, until then something shakes you back into reality and out of the psychological disconnect that you are feeling.
Let your life breathe.
When you do not let it, it becomes this beast pacing inside of you making you anxious. That is what happened to me tonight.
I've forgotten that music can really and truly move me, and remind my soul of what is important. It had been so long since that happened, tonight was making up for all the lost time. There was a musical revue at my old high school. I've been back to visit twice and that is all I think I'll go back. They have their own lives, the teachers have moved on. I'll visit Mr. Richards and I think that is it. But anyways, so the musical revue was tonight and it was comprised of many different people singing many different songs. Duh. So there was this one woman who sang the song "Days of Plenty" from the musical Little Women. I just started to sob. It was as though something inside of me had exploded and the only way to keep my body from imploding into the hole was through crying. I was completely overwhelmed by emotions that came from every-which psychological direction.
Suddenly I was hit with the fact that everything in my past has happened. For some reason it has all felt like a dream recently, but tonight that changed. I was shocked with the feeling that came with acceptance of my past and realization of the uncertainty of my future. "There has to be meaning...so believe that she matters! and believe that she always will!" Those were the lyrics that really struck me. Something that I've been having trouble with lately is that my life has meaning and that I can change things. There have been so many times that I've thought that the world doesn't need someone as small as me. I have grand ideals, but most people do. I am lost in a sea of theoretics and dreams while I am not working to make them come true. Not because I don't want it bad enough, but because I don't know how to make those dreams come true.
Another strange feeling came from a song that a friend sang tonight. She graduated a while ago and when she sang, it reminded me of sitting backstage listening to her sing in Into the Woods. Her voice transported me back to a time that I have blocked out of my mind. It hurt to think about it, it hurt to think about that time. I don't entirely know why, but I know that it happened and I know that it touched me. I cried because things have changed and will never, ever go back. Why does this happen? Is everyone this unsure? Does change really feel this strange? I was honestly sitting there feeling like I was going insane. There were so many thoughts that I wasn't going to rule that option out.
I am going to miss my friends who are going on missions, I won't see them again for the most part. I'll get wedding invitations from them, maybe an email or two. But that part of my life is literally gone and scattered across the earth. Never to be reassembled again. I am missing some of them already because I keep wanting to talk to them but realize that I can't because they don't want to hear what I have to say because what they are doing is so much more important than any of my petty things.
I am scared for the future. I am scared that it isn't going to give me what I want. That I won't be able to have the life that I want and will be dissatisfied. I know that God is going to make it more than I could hope, I just hope that I can be fine with it. Prayers, scripture reading, and listening to General Authorities ought to fix that, right? Right!
Another thing, I HATE BEING A GIRL. I get all lonely sometimes and it sucks like nothing else. There are those times when you just need someone to give you a wonderfully tight hug and tell you that everything will be okay and that you are beautiful no matter what. That who ever it is cares for you and will because you are important to them. They actually care what you think. I like having someone there because they are there for cuddling and everything and it is just warm and beautiful. I have a friend that I saw tonight that would make a great romantic interest. I'm not saying that I'm interested in him, we're just friends. Legit, that's it. But his personality that is fun in such a way that everything would just be fun and cute and light. I love that! Nothing would be terribly awkward or heavy with emotion and thought. He would be thoughtful without being weird. I would love something like that. Please.
But alas and alack, I am alone and shall remain so. I bid you adieu for tonight, I'm going to go drown my feelings in coca-cola, cookies, and Deep Space Nine.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Meet Virginia
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: That last post royally sucked. My sincerest apologies. That last post sounded nothing like myself. It was bitter and cruel and I blame it on the sleep deprivation and the traveling. I was a tad bit angry at the world, specifically inhabitants of the world that are members of the opposite sex. Hence the biting words and sharp remarks. SO this will be much more me, I hope.
While on the public service announcement strain, Jacob you failed to address my brilliance in your post about people at college. Not a mention of a hipster anywhere. #disappointed.
Okay, well that settles it. Never doing hashmarks. Ever. Again.
Moving on.
Life is absolutely and utterly stupendous. I just got out of a steaming hot bath where I read one of my favorite books of all time (it was also a movie that has become a cult favorite from the eighties) and sipped on some peppermint tea. Right before that I made a homemade skin mask and ate some Toblerone. Completely fantastic. Plus, it has been nice out. Not too hot and not too cold. Maybe a little rainy, but not too shabby Virginia! I've been able to go out and hit the trails for some fun.
Along with all of that, I've gotten my first paycheck. Not the very first, don't you worry. But I recently received my first paycheck from my new job. I now work at an Indian restaurant. I'm a waitress and I am loving it! Seriously, I am convinced that I have the best job ever. I am the only caucasian american there. Three of the staff are from India, three from Nepal, one from Honduras, and one from Singapore. And only 4 of them speak English with any sort of skill (as in putting words in a logical order). It is one of the best things because I get to bring home various curries with naan and also I get to be with people. And people, may I add, are hysterical. Not just the people I work with, but the customers now. But one of my coworkers said the other day (as he went to go grab some rice for a customer) "I will be back in a stone's throw!" Now, I understand what you were trying to say, it just did not come out the way I think you meant it to...
Another great quote is to this man that has been dubbed "the most interesting man you will ever meet". I told him that I knew how to do this one task and to not worry, and in his thick Indian accent he replied "I will not." I almost died. I'm thinking in Indian accents now. It makes it very difficult to sing hymns in church because somehow I lose the spirit as I picture "While of These Emblems We Partake" in a bollywood sort of setting. Not sure how that happens...
I also want to talk a little bit about what I wrote about in that last, horrible post. So, that is a lie about all that crap about knowing people and shiz. Alright, it is true that I don't open up to people. I just don't. Unless...well there is no unless yet because there is no exception to that really. When there is, I'll let you know. But if you know even a little bit about me, then that means I think you're cool. If you know more than just a little bit about me, then we're definitely friends. I trust you then. Don't go throwing that away. I don't just throw things like that away and it is something that takes effort on my part. The whole extending of my life to you. Embrace it. And if you do so, I thank you. You shall be greatly rewarded...I'll think of something.
Well, my mind is shutting down at an alarmingly fast rate so I bid you farewell before anything bad happens. Adieu
While on the public service announcement strain, Jacob you failed to address my brilliance in your post about people at college. Not a mention of a hipster anywhere. #disappointed.
Okay, well that settles it. Never doing hashmarks. Ever. Again.
Moving on.
Life is absolutely and utterly stupendous. I just got out of a steaming hot bath where I read one of my favorite books of all time (it was also a movie that has become a cult favorite from the eighties) and sipped on some peppermint tea. Right before that I made a homemade skin mask and ate some Toblerone. Completely fantastic. Plus, it has been nice out. Not too hot and not too cold. Maybe a little rainy, but not too shabby Virginia! I've been able to go out and hit the trails for some fun.
Along with all of that, I've gotten my first paycheck. Not the very first, don't you worry. But I recently received my first paycheck from my new job. I now work at an Indian restaurant. I'm a waitress and I am loving it! Seriously, I am convinced that I have the best job ever. I am the only caucasian american there. Three of the staff are from India, three from Nepal, one from Honduras, and one from Singapore. And only 4 of them speak English with any sort of skill (as in putting words in a logical order). It is one of the best things because I get to bring home various curries with naan and also I get to be with people. And people, may I add, are hysterical. Not just the people I work with, but the customers now. But one of my coworkers said the other day (as he went to go grab some rice for a customer) "I will be back in a stone's throw!" Now, I understand what you were trying to say, it just did not come out the way I think you meant it to...
Another great quote is to this man that has been dubbed "the most interesting man you will ever meet". I told him that I knew how to do this one task and to not worry, and in his thick Indian accent he replied "I will not." I almost died. I'm thinking in Indian accents now. It makes it very difficult to sing hymns in church because somehow I lose the spirit as I picture "While of These Emblems We Partake" in a bollywood sort of setting. Not sure how that happens...
I also want to talk a little bit about what I wrote about in that last, horrible post. So, that is a lie about all that crap about knowing people and shiz. Alright, it is true that I don't open up to people. I just don't. Unless...well there is no unless yet because there is no exception to that really. When there is, I'll let you know. But if you know even a little bit about me, then that means I think you're cool. If you know more than just a little bit about me, then we're definitely friends. I trust you then. Don't go throwing that away. I don't just throw things like that away and it is something that takes effort on my part. The whole extending of my life to you. Embrace it. And if you do so, I thank you. You shall be greatly rewarded...I'll think of something.
Well, my mind is shutting down at an alarmingly fast rate so I bid you farewell before anything bad happens. Adieu
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
On the highway of regrets
The rest of that line goes like this: though winds of change are throwing wild and free, you ain't see nothin' like me yet. I'm not regretting anything right now, quite the opposite. But the winds of change blow me right down that road and onwards past 'regrets' to the 'not yets'.
Dear rain, help me write this. I keep starting it wrong, but maybe I'll get it right with the rain's help. Where am I supposed to go with this?
A thought that I wanted to get down a little while ago (being Saturday), was that there is no better feeling than knowing you are becoming the person that you have always wanted to be. That was me on Saturday. The whole week had been building up to it I guess, but the plane ride had made it all sink it. I was sitting on the plane to Denver and I had an Outside Magazine and a travel magazine in my hand and then my one suitcase in the other. I smelled like fire and my hair was crazy. I thought, "This is exactly where I want to be." There have been times in my life where I haven't liked where I've been. But that wasn't one of those times. That week I had finished finals, packed, gone up to a friends cabin, jumped in a lake covered in ice, hiked, stayed up for almost 40 hours, had a couple of bonfires, watched the stars with some of my favorite people, and I had not completely broken down into a sobbing ball of emotional wreckage. Success! I can honestly say that it was one of the best weeks ever. And looking back on it, I was really pretty proud.
Something else that really did make my week came out of conversations that were had with various people about first impressions and final thoughts before we all left. I heard some things about me that really made me feel amazing. "Grounded", "down-to-earth", "the next gandhi", "grandmother willow", etc. were some of the ways that I was described. There were a couple of people that told me to send them postcards of all the places that I visit while they are gone. Most of the girls were instructed to send out wedding invitations. But for me it was travel photographs and postcards! There is nothing that I would want more. I am becoming like those people that I look up to, I am becoming the person that I have read about, I am becoming someone that I would want to emulate. I am becoming someone to be proud of. I am becoming me. And that is so incredible to me.
My soul is finding a place worthy of itself.
WARNING. I am feeling like this will be a long night. I'll try to break it up, but I have a feeling that this will be a really long entry. Endure or don't. It doesn't matter to me. But you'll be getting a lot of honesty and brain leakage on the rest of this post. Most likely, this will turn out slightly embarrassing on my part, but really, do I care? Nope!
Let the slaughter begin.
Okay. Let us cover one topic really quick. I do not let people in. As they say in one of my favorite movies, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But mine are more like steel-reinforced security doors with a combination that has yet to be cracked. I am a lone reed. And I am happy that way. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am lonely. I've really opened up to one person, and that is one of my best friends in the world and she is the exact same way that I am. We understand each other and are basically kindred spirits. Have there been guys that I've opened up to? I can count two. And I can almost guarantee that if you are reading this, it is not you. Although ... it might be. Not entirely sure.
I don't open up. That is the point of that little schpeel. You have to ask questions. You have to dig. You have to actually care about the answers to get ones that I care about. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me" if I don't think that you're worthy. In order to get to that point, you have to hang in for quite a ways. Either that, or know what to ask and how to do so. But let me clue you in on a little secret of mine...I know how to get people to feel comfortable enough to open up while I am able to stay nice and comfortable in my triple layer steel safe. I love to hear about other people. I love to get them to be honest and real with me. That is the only way that I can really interact with them. But they don't always notice that I haven't talked about myself. There are plenty of those people who never ask questions. Sometimes I'll be open to stuff, but they'll shut me down so fast because I'll start talking and they interrupt with something completely irrelevant. Yep, not listening. Usually they'll apologize for being to vague and stuff. "I'm sorry that I was so vague about this but...." And then I hear the reason. The thing is, I don't know why you are apologizing. I was vague. Did I touch on ANY specifics?! Noooooope. Do you know anything about my life?! No. Then what are you apologizing for? Stop. When you actually get to know me and care about me, yeah okay then apologize. But I won't let you close until you let me close and I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Those people are few and far between because human nature is fickle and changing. People have so many different motives that they cannot be trusted. And yet man is so beautiful. We are, ourselves, walking contradictions.
I've spent the last little while uploading tracks on 8Tracks.com if you want to check them out here. Enjoy some of the stuff I've got up.
I keep starting stuff but ending it because it doesn't feel like it is what I need to write. I want to write about last year, but some of it I just want to write for shock value. Which is never a good reason to write something. I've got a book that I'm actually working on, message me if you want to hear more about it.... But I might go and write a bit in that. Either that or read a book. I have time to read now! Crazy, I know. But I've got so much time that I don't know what to do with it. I'll go work out tomorrow and I'll become an active girl over this summer. I'll work out and I'll be outside everyday if I can. I need to move, need work, I need a place to just do something because if I don't then I think I'll go crazy. I've written what I need to for this post. But trust me, I'll be back soon enough with some good material.
Dear rain, help me write this. I keep starting it wrong, but maybe I'll get it right with the rain's help. Where am I supposed to go with this?
A thought that I wanted to get down a little while ago (being Saturday), was that there is no better feeling than knowing you are becoming the person that you have always wanted to be. That was me on Saturday. The whole week had been building up to it I guess, but the plane ride had made it all sink it. I was sitting on the plane to Denver and I had an Outside Magazine and a travel magazine in my hand and then my one suitcase in the other. I smelled like fire and my hair was crazy. I thought, "This is exactly where I want to be." There have been times in my life where I haven't liked where I've been. But that wasn't one of those times. That week I had finished finals, packed, gone up to a friends cabin, jumped in a lake covered in ice, hiked, stayed up for almost 40 hours, had a couple of bonfires, watched the stars with some of my favorite people, and I had not completely broken down into a sobbing ball of emotional wreckage. Success! I can honestly say that it was one of the best weeks ever. And looking back on it, I was really pretty proud.
Something else that really did make my week came out of conversations that were had with various people about first impressions and final thoughts before we all left. I heard some things about me that really made me feel amazing. "Grounded", "down-to-earth", "the next gandhi", "grandmother willow", etc. were some of the ways that I was described. There were a couple of people that told me to send them postcards of all the places that I visit while they are gone. Most of the girls were instructed to send out wedding invitations. But for me it was travel photographs and postcards! There is nothing that I would want more. I am becoming like those people that I look up to, I am becoming the person that I have read about, I am becoming someone that I would want to emulate. I am becoming someone to be proud of. I am becoming me. And that is so incredible to me.
My soul is finding a place worthy of itself.
WARNING. I am feeling like this will be a long night. I'll try to break it up, but I have a feeling that this will be a really long entry. Endure or don't. It doesn't matter to me. But you'll be getting a lot of honesty and brain leakage on the rest of this post. Most likely, this will turn out slightly embarrassing on my part, but really, do I care? Nope!
Let the slaughter begin.
Okay. Let us cover one topic really quick. I do not let people in. As they say in one of my favorite movies, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But mine are more like steel-reinforced security doors with a combination that has yet to be cracked. I am a lone reed. And I am happy that way. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am lonely. I've really opened up to one person, and that is one of my best friends in the world and she is the exact same way that I am. We understand each other and are basically kindred spirits. Have there been guys that I've opened up to? I can count two. And I can almost guarantee that if you are reading this, it is not you. Although ... it might be. Not entirely sure.
I don't open up. That is the point of that little schpeel. You have to ask questions. You have to dig. You have to actually care about the answers to get ones that I care about. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me" if I don't think that you're worthy. In order to get to that point, you have to hang in for quite a ways. Either that, or know what to ask and how to do so. But let me clue you in on a little secret of mine...I know how to get people to feel comfortable enough to open up while I am able to stay nice and comfortable in my triple layer steel safe. I love to hear about other people. I love to get them to be honest and real with me. That is the only way that I can really interact with them. But they don't always notice that I haven't talked about myself. There are plenty of those people who never ask questions. Sometimes I'll be open to stuff, but they'll shut me down so fast because I'll start talking and they interrupt with something completely irrelevant. Yep, not listening. Usually they'll apologize for being to vague and stuff. "I'm sorry that I was so vague about this but...." And then I hear the reason. The thing is, I don't know why you are apologizing. I was vague. Did I touch on ANY specifics?! Noooooope. Do you know anything about my life?! No. Then what are you apologizing for? Stop. When you actually get to know me and care about me, yeah okay then apologize. But I won't let you close until you let me close and I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Those people are few and far between because human nature is fickle and changing. People have so many different motives that they cannot be trusted. And yet man is so beautiful. We are, ourselves, walking contradictions.
I've spent the last little while uploading tracks on 8Tracks.com if you want to check them out here. Enjoy some of the stuff I've got up.
I keep starting stuff but ending it because it doesn't feel like it is what I need to write. I want to write about last year, but some of it I just want to write for shock value. Which is never a good reason to write something. I've got a book that I'm actually working on, message me if you want to hear more about it.... But I might go and write a bit in that. Either that or read a book. I have time to read now! Crazy, I know. But I've got so much time that I don't know what to do with it. I'll go work out tomorrow and I'll become an active girl over this summer. I'll work out and I'll be outside everyday if I can. I need to move, need work, I need a place to just do something because if I don't then I think I'll go crazy. I've written what I need to for this post. But trust me, I'll be back soon enough with some good material.
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