Saturday, March 23, 2013

The World is Your Underwear

I've been reading Born in the Year of the Butterfly Knife by my favorite person, Derrick Brown (well, second only to Rob Sheffield). In "To the Lightning Teachers" he says, "The world is your underwear. It's time you changed it." A to the men.

I have a tendency to make these posts weird and grey (a word that describes my life recently), and I am sincerely sorry if you've been reading any of those; but it is kind of a 'sorry, not sorry' thing because I'm only sorry that my stupidity is on display for the world. I'm a tad bit insecure about my writing, hence the hesitation in endorsing it. But this isn't even writing. I pay no attention to passive/active voice, colons, past participles, and other such sundry grammatical items. This is from my head. As I think it I put it down. The grammer is merely there as a vehicle through which to display the pauses and sequencing of thought instead of enhancing the meaning of any of this. 

Enough of that! I haven't written in a while and I don't want to write about grammer. I want to write about my future and crap. Actually, I really want to talk about the sky for the past few nights. The stars have been incredible. Absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it is because I haven't been able to see the stars for such a long time, but I am not sure. The other night I went to the store to pick up some stuff for work and I couldn't help but be moved by the openness in the air. Suddenly it felt as though my entire being had expanding to fill the new heavens and I had become a part of the atmosphere. I was more than a star, I was the entire sky. It had rained a bit so the air was crisp and clean and utterly perfect.

On my way back home I talked with this woman who worked at Little Caesars. As far as I know, she was in some kin of an accident that left her mentally impaired and she is still recovering from it. We talked about how she wants to keep her options open so that she can still be a rockstar if she wants to, how she likes to decorate, and how she has lost weight since the summer and plans to keep working out so that she keeps it off. Then while we were at the stoplight, she started telling me about the diamonds in her brain that keep the neurons firing. She said that the diamonds fit into the geometry of the brain, then she told me to look around and see all of the geometry in the world: in the signs, the cars, the people. She said that God made us that way, and he made our brains that way too. Then she was so proud of herself for making that connection, we fist-bumped twice over it (it was a big deal). But she made my night. Seeing people make those connections in ways that I haven't thought of yet is something I love! Her sincerity was touching and on top of the spaciousness of the night, it was perfect. I almost started crying as I left her to head home because I was so impressed by her. Seriously, it was a good night. Also, I love walking and that was the first walk I have been on in a while. So I was on cloud nine.

Now comes the hard stuff. The things that I don't want to talk about but I know I have to get out somehow in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. This blog was originally for me to just get my thoughts out and that is what it shall continue to do; never was this meant to cater to readers so continue at your own risk.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Straight up--no idea. I am a philosophy major. :SLKDJFLSLKSDJFOISDC(#(#*&@ODFLKC. There is nothing that I can do with that right out of college. I've always dreamed of doing something influential or important and I just can't see that happening with this. My biggest dream was to become a doctor and do the doctors without borders program and work with people who are in need of medical care. I respect the people who do that so much and that is a fantastic way to make a difference. To change the world. To make your life meaningful. I'm don't have the grades for medical school. I could be a nurse or a PA or something, those are always options and I would really love to do that.

After college, I'm planning on doing some time with the Peace Corps so we shall see what experiences are in store for me there. I just want to be useful. That is my biggest thing I think, is that I want to be useful to the world and in the big scheme of things. I have to always be participaing in something big. I could never do bureaucracy like my dad, he was like me before the government beat the creativity out of him. That's a little harsh, but he is so creative and his job smothers him. He has so many ideas that he hasn't put into place for many reason, but still. A good amount of it is due to the fact that he was never meant to be at a desk. I never was. EVER. That is not the life for me. No cubicle, I am fairly certain that I would lose my sanity. Another option that is there is being someone who helps with outdoor schools. Maybe even with troubled teens. There are those programs where they take kids out into the desert and teach them how to really live life. ممكن...

It is hard because I have friends who are actually doing things with their lives right now, while I feel as though I am biding my time. I am going stir crazy, maybe that is it. Regardless, these kinds of things have been on my mind. My recreation class solidified that for me. We talked about the hedgehog concept in class yesterday and it really got me thinking. Here it is:

The kid leading the discussion asked us what we were passionate about..and I don't really know. It was in that moment that I realized that passion is what I was lacking. It was there and then it was gone. I need to get that back. But how? What am I passionate about? I love to experience things, I always have. I do things on my own and I just love to learn what happens and how I feel when I do something. I just love the ecstasy of experience, that feeling you get when you live life so completely that the moment surrounds you and you are completely present. You are experiencing life and you are sucking the marrow out of its bones. It is then that "I sound my barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of the world!" But I am also passionate about helping people. So i've got that corner down... I don't know what I can be the best in the world at. I have NO idea. I have a warped self-image though, so that might contribute to it. It isn't negative, I love who I am and everything like that. It is more that I just don't know what I am good at, it isn't modesty because I legitimately don't know. I don't do things because I am good at them. I wouldn't be in an arabic class if that was the case. 

But I do things because I like them. I enjoy the experience. When I run, I run because I like to move and see things and feel my body tire. The other day I was running along the trail and ended up at the lake. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my looking at the fields and all that I'd ended up all the way at the lake. That is an 11 mile run. I wouldn't do that because I like to run, that would be crazy! It is all about the experience.

I just feel completely naive when it comes to things like this. It is my birthday in a month, and I still feel like I am twelve years old sometimes because I don't have things figured out and everyone makes me feel as though I have to have my shiz together. Well, the fact of the matter is that I don't. Quite frankly I don't think that anyone else does either. They just know how to hide it better than I do, but I've never been good at hiding and I never want to be. My life is out there for you to read and I hope that you are kind in your judgements.

I want to travel, to live, to breathe, to shout YAWP from every rooftop I can. I love to find beauty in things (in the way dust swirls like pixie dust in the light, in the different ways that people walk and what that says about them, and the way I just ignored any kind of rule regarding parallell construction), I love to make the world a better place, and to become more of myself every day.

Those are my thoughts right now. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Comme des enfants

The reason I am writing this is thanks to Derrick Brown, once again. "The design in the stars is the same in our hearts, in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts." There are so many thoughts going through my head, dear blog, I don't know who I will ever get them down and solidified into gauche words. To use an overused quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations." I feel as though they have a cosmic glimmer until they go down and become actual phrases and then they lose all of their magic and power. They become words instead of their own, breathing selves.

I don't really want to write about anything, but I feel as though I have to now that I have started. Also, I've been seriously slacking when it comes to writing on this blog. But I've been using other venues and such for my writing so that is why it hasn't ended up on this site.

One of my favorite lines from "A Finger Two Dots then Me" is "If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you, I honestly don't know. But I do know that I could still fall for a swish of light that comes barreling  cascading towards me. It will resemble your sweet definite hands. And the universe will bend and the planets will bow and I will say, 'oh there you are. now we can go.'" I don't want the kind of love in Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, or The Notebook. That is nothing compared to what I want. I want  a Love is a Mix Tape kind of relationship. I want someone to love me enough not to wait for me on the other side because they know that I'll make it to them. They will say, "oh, there you are. Now we can go." They are just a finger and two dots to the left of the North American moon.

I will always know where to look for them. Somewhere someone is looking at it and wondering the same thing. Actually, they probably aren't. But they should. They should take the time to look into the sky until they can see the depth of space, the point at which the darkness goes blue.

At another point in the poem, Brown asks what is really holy. That is a good question. To me, to Emily, to the self I am today this is what is holy:
The sea
Rain that soaks me to the bone
The spaces between snowflakes
The photographs I've taken and put on my wall
My favorite hiking sock with the hole in it
The shape of my hands
Spaces created in my heart when I look at a clear, blue night
Warm breezes
My copy of On the Road
Phone conversations with my sister about nothing
Using a big sharpie to finish the mural on my wall
My plaid shirt
Not getting more notebook paper because buying those books was more important to me
Eye contact
Fear overcome
The day I really spoke with my family because we realized who we all were

Those are just a few things that are holy to me, at least right now. I think that if something is holy to someone, then that something is beautiful. There is someone who gets pure joy out of the experience or association with that thing and I believe that moment is beautiful and holy unto itself. What I love more than almost anything is hearing people talk about what they are passionate about. They light up in a way that I've never seen before and it makes me excited about whatever it is. Suddenly I am interested in it because I want to know what it is about that one thing that they find holy, enthralling, and important.

Here are my thoughts right now. Nothing terribly exciting, but I thought I should give you an update.