Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Come Fill Me to the Parting Glass

I was watching Once Upon A Time, but wasn't really feeling that. I should be cleaning because we've got checks tomorrow, but I'm not feeling that. So I find myself here. There is absolutely nothing in particular that I want to write about, whenever I do have something then it gets me in trouble. So I'm interested to find out where this will lead me.

Now I feel as though I have to be careful about what I write because I know that people read it. I don't want to say the wrong thing or write something that confuses people. What I write on this blog is there for me and me alone. I write because it helps me to figure out what I want to say, what I am trying to think, and what I am doing with my life. It is completely there for self-analysis. Even when I am not writing about myself, as I am now, everything is somehow related to what I am thinking about. Whether it is because I need to remind myself that the stars are still there beyond the haze of stress and city lights or that I can really become someone. Maybe I just need to remember that there is something out there that I do just for me.

I don't want to have to watch everything that I write. Trying to find the best word for what I want to say because if I try to explain it then you might become lost in the process. That is a big part about what having ADD means to me. Most people go from Point A to Point B through some straight and direct path. But I go all the way to Point Z and then to M and back to A and round and round. It is direct to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. For me, there is joy in the journey as well as the destination. Deciding that I am finally at a destination means that I have looked at every possible alternative that I can think of and decided that I picked the one that will make me the happiest overall.

If you are not into psycho-analysis then I advise you to tune out now.

What is it about me that makes me think that I have to cope with everything? It is like I need to protect myself from everything and everyone, even the smallest moments. I have lowered my expectations to just above rock bottom that way I feel as though I will never be disappointed. It is a little extreme to say that I like to see the worst in everything and am pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. That is not at all the case. First of all, when it comes to other people's lives I always assume the best. My friends deserve no less than the best because they are the best. They are stunning, sweet, talented, graceful, funny, smart, and amazing in every possible way. I just know that life has so much goodness in store for them.

However, when it comes to anything in my life then I automatically assume the worst. I assume that I have absolutely no affect on the lives of anyone but my own. No one thinks of me, ever. In any context. I just do not merit being thought about. I feel like I am plain in every possible way. In friendships, I always assume that I am the 'lesser' friend. In school, now at least, I always know there is someone smarter than me so I never try to be smart. No one wants to really get to know me, they just want to talk about themselves. I've found that when I'm talking with someone and they start to ask me about me, I always say something wrong or with the wrong inflection and they are instantly bored. They ask obligatory questions because they know that is what they are supposed to do. However, I give up on that because I don't want to talk about myself to someone who is not going to listen. So I ask them about themselves. They'll ask me questions, sometimes. I'll give short, concise answers where I reveal just enough of myself to stand out against the typical but not enough to flesh me out. I tell people about who I really am and some how that comes back to bite me.

Part of that isn't true, but it is kind of how I see things. I don't know how I became this beast of survival. Somehow I shut down. On some level I shut down. I don't ever want to show I'm more interested in someone, when I really am, if I don't think that they are interested in me. If I don't absolutely know for sure, then I am not going to do anything. Maybe I feel that it exposes weakness. It is like I am a dragon and by showing I have a tie with some person is like rolling over in the middle of a mob of angry villagers with sharp objects and showing them my soft underbelly. I don't know who the villagers are. Well, okay. I do. I am so untrusting of people. I imagine the villagers as being that person and those who know because they can exploit it. They can stick a hot firebrand into my belly and watch me squirm because they know how to hurt me. I can't see into the dark parts of everyone's soul and so I assume that there is some part of everyone that wants to hurt me. That wants to reject me. If I were ever to show my whole self, all of what I thought and felt and dreamt, that they would reject me.

I have yet to be proven different.

My dad said that I'm like my mom. We both just put up walls against absolutely everyone. He has no idea why. He is a gruff guy, but deep down at the core he is an open nerve. Sometimes he can just let things roll off, but other times when someone says something to him he lets it really hurt him. I don't know what me me like this, I don't know how I got this way. I figured that it wasn't worth heartbreak or anything when I was younger. Maybe it was because I moved so much, I just thought this was a good way to stay happy. Because thats what I think I'm doing when I do this, when I keep to myself and block others out. I think that I am protecting my happiness.

I think another thing is that I do not want to let anyone in who does not honestly want to be there. Just asking questions is not enough. You have to want to know the answer. To know the honest answer. To expect the honest answer. You have to listen. You have to know when I give you the 'condensed' story and want to hear the full one because that is what will help you get to know me. You have to push me and push me and push me. I don't give in easily. I am stubborn as they come. I can promise that you have never met anyone quite as stubborn as I am. I do not allow anyone into my mind who I do not think is 'worthy'. That takes time. There is no particular amount of time. It depends on how hard you push. If I don't shove back, then you're on the right path. But once you push me far enough that I have no more walls to hide behind, that is when I will take your hand and walk the path with you.

But you will have to be patient. Whoever you are.

You will have to know that I am sincerely trying. I don't want to be this way. It is a hard life to life, never having anyone that you can lean on. I have my family, and that is really all that I need. But when I am away from them, it is so hard some days to put on a smile when all I want to do is sit on my bed and talk the problem out completely with someone. I don't want to be like this. All I have to trust in now is this blog. Yes, I have friends. Don't get me wrong. But they all have their own problems. And more often than not I do not feel like I am worth the amount of time it would take for them to listen. They have so many better things that they could be doing and are doing.

It is my fault. I know that. I accept full blame for any relationship that goes wrong because I am this way. In some ways I feel like I am broken. There is a character in Once Upon a Time who does not have a heart. And I relate to him more than I ever thought that I would. He does things just to find out how to feel again, and that is what I do. I have to learn how to use my heart. That is something that cannot be taught and I guess I wasn't born with it. I am finding out how to make myself feel things, and the safest way to do that is on my own. But safe is overrated, right? Right. So I try. However, my efforts are never enough for normal human beings. They can't understand me, what I am. At least they haven't as far as I know.

I like to think that there is someone out there who is willing to push me and push me and wait for me to start pushing back. Someone who will actually stick around through stubborn me to find the real me. But I honestly think I am asking way too much out of mankind for that. Even just for a friend. No one has time to do that, and no one has the motivation to do so. When you can't see what the prize at the end is, what is the thing driving you on? That is just it, there isn't anything. People can't see what I am and so there is nothing keeping them searching. They search on faith, faith that there is someone underneath all of my shells that is something resembling what they think it is. But my stubbornness is stronger than anyone's will to search. Just as I think that someone is going to keep pushing, and I can feel that I am about to cave in, they give up because they have been trying for too long.

That is the way it is with friends, with people I like, with my family. They push, but they hit the point of their breaking right before they get to mine. I get so excited. Finally, there is someone who I can talk to who actually cares about what I have to say at that moment! Oh, wait. Nope. I did it again. I overestimated their motivation. And once again I am left on my own.

I made myself this way. There is some part of me that has always been like this. I keep trying to open myself up. I do! I do! I do! You do not understand how difficult this is for me. Life is so much easier with my dragon shell up. I experience happiness this way. I am never reliant on others for my feelings and that has it's own kind of freedom. And I'm a freedom junkie. However, I know that this way I can never feel joy. I need to be pushed to the brink of truth and trust and I need to fall and give in. Yes, I'll experience the extremes of lows, or at least I'll put myself at that risk because I know it is worth it for those incredible highs. The height of feeling will be higher than anything I've known. But that requires someone who is willing to take a chance on me. And who is willing to push.

I promise that I'll do what I can to tear down the walls on my side. I've gotten better. I almost ripped them all down last time. Until I hit the last little bit of brick wall. The person gave up on their side of the wall. They began to see only the bricks, and not the walls that were being removed. I saw the walls. I could feel the breeze from the freedom of the other side. The sun was there. The air was sweeter. But they gave up just as I almost finished the last bit of bricks. It was not worth it.

So I picked up my mortar and began rebuilding them again.

The only way that anyone could possibly bear to be near me is to see things from my side. To see how I look at things. Because that will help it all make more sense.

Right now I am just a crazy person who has done a little bit too much self reflection. I don't want to be the person who shuts everything and everyone out because she is perfectly happy on her own. I want someone to be there with me. But that person needs to want to be there. No matter how hard it is, they have to stick it out. They have to be determined that I am who I say I am and they have to want to find that out. But, let's be real. That person doesn't exist. No normal human being can be that persistant. And I'm sorry for that.

I blame the mountains and the stars for this post tonight. Oh, and Ed Sheeran. That is a deadly triple threat. There is no where that I would rather be than up in the mountains right now. Laying out. Looking at the stars. If I had a car, I'd be up there right now. I'd pull an all-nighter because it would be worth it just to feel that starlight on my skin. To feel alive. To be a part of nature. And to allow nature into your consciousness and allow it to change you.

My dear moon stuck it out and now I think that the Moon and Stars know more about me than anything else ever has. They are always there and they always want to listen. They have seen me on my good days, on my bad. And yet they continue to be there. They continue to reach out and touch my soul, just enough to get my mind going. Tonight they pushed my soul just enough. It was more than I could simply think about, so I had to write.

I work early morning shifts, so I get to see some parts of Provo that no one ever does. This morning is what started me thinking about all of this. I looked out the window of the building I work in and I saw the mountains completely covered in snow. The sun was rising on the other side and the tips were pink. For some reason it was so beautiful that it almost moved me to tears. I don't know what it is about that image that just struck me so hard. It was like someone had hit my chest with a semi-truck. I knew there was no other place I would rather be than waking up in a tent in the mountains to that red dawn. I know that I'd want someone next to me, but that doesn't matter. Again, I need to watch what I say on these blogs or else everyone will know about me... yeah no.

Anyways, I saw that and I thought of all the people I knew that I would want up on that mountain top with me. Everyone would be too busy. Naturally. I'm a busy person too. But when I see that, and I know that is where I want to be, I need to find someone crazy enough to want to be there too.

BUT. It is late. I've got work at 5. And this week is going to be crazy.


P.S. If you want to read some of what I've written this week (about random shiz. specifically for a book that I think I might write...), message/text me or comment on this post or something. or you can message me on Tumblr here. And you can even do it anonymous if you want. Just give me somewhere to send it.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I let my mind run wild and free

I let my mind run wild and free
If i sink or swim, only one way to find out
How it ends
The lover's fight
Should I keep my walls up high and tall?
Strong and steady, no fear at all
If I go blind from all this love,
at least it was you I was thinking of 
So take what you will and I'll take the rest
I'll jump overboard and into this

Those are lyrics from Angel Taylor's new song that she posted on facebook, "The Lover's Fight". Its pretty chill and stuff, so I like it. It definitely fits the mood of the night. There is nothing I want to do more than be at peace. There was this one kid who kept inviting me to do stuff tonight, and it isn't that I don't want to. I wouldn't mind. But tonight is a night where I am thinking about everything, in a really really good way. For those of you who understand Doctor Who, it is as though I am going through a regeneration cycle and I am just finding my bearing before I go and talk with people. The past few weeks I haven't been so good at the saying words good thing. I'm having a little bit of rehab tonight so that I can be normal when conversing hopefully at some point. But, let's not hold our breath for anything, miracles happen once in a while and I might be so lucky.

There are so many random things that I want to write about, but I can't figure out where to start. I talked to my mom this week, and thank goodness for mothers. She is one of my best friends, honestly. She talks to me like an equal and I do the same. She called me once and just started ranting about how our house was just breaking down, then she boasted about my siblings and stuff, and said something about how she hasn't had much contact with adults recently. I don't mind at all, because I love hearing about my family. I am so proud of all of them and where they are! They are doing so well and I really could not love them all more. But anyways, my talk with Mom this week. I called her about this dilemma that I am having, and I told her the basic outline of what was up and asked her about what I should do. When she told me her opinion, everything fell into place and made sense. I could not believe that I had gone that long without talking to her because the problem became much more clear and a feeling of peace and patience came over me.

She said that I just needed to think about what "Cool Emily" would do. That may sound like an insult or something, but I promise that it is not. "Cool Emily" is the person that I would like to be some day. When I pick out clothes, I think of what this ideal person would wear. It is how I perceive myself on the best of days and it is also the conglomeration of everything that I hear or see that I want to integrate as a part of myself. "Cool Emily" is the personification of all those ideals and thoughts. So when she said that, it all made sense. How would a calm, composed, and independent person deal with this? She would do so with patience, respect, and honesty. She would do it in a way that may cause a little pain on her part but would preserve the pride of the other person because she knows that she can lose pride and wouldn't want to hurt anyone. The "Uncool Emily" or whatever I am now didn't and is not doing that. When I realized that, and realized how much I need to apologize for, my stomach dropped. There is so much and I have been in the wrong about everything. I should not have done things the way that I did or let them affect me the way that I have. Cool Emily is strong. Yes she is able to be hurt and such, but she is strong enough to know that life will keep moving on even though she wants it to stop. She smiles, stands up tall, and uses whatever happened to make herself a better person instead of letting it sit and make her miserable. She knows that you cannot change the past.

How I wish I could change some things of the past. There are so many points in my life that I can see now and see the way I acted and wish I could change it. I'd be a better student, friend, daughter, sister, etc. But you cannot go back and change the past. There is a phrase in Arabic: اللي فات مات. "Illi faat maat." What it means literally is that which is past is dead. While the past has made me who I am, I cannot go back and change it as if it is some protean, living being. There is nothing about it which can be altered now. And that makes me sick, to tell you the truth. UGH I can be such an idiot about things sometimes. I get carried away and forget about who I am striving to be and why. I get lost in my head and my emotions hotwire the system and I feel like they take my heart for a joyride. What I said is done, I cannot retract them and I cannot explain my way out of them. They sit there like a cold bowl of oatmeal. As much as you want to get rid of it, you have to let them sit until some hot water loosens it up to the point where you can dispose of it. But with words, the hot water comes from the other person and together you decide to forget the past. If they don't want to turn on the tap, for good reason too, you are stuck with a bowl of cold oatmeal that not even Goldilocks would try.

Tonight though, tonight was for me. I put on some leggings and an oversized plaid shirt from my DI boyfriend (my boyfriend refers to the relationship that I have with the men's section at DI... comfortable clothing for the win..) and I curled up with my favorite blanket, favorite tea, a full stomach, folk music, and the Odyssey. The Odyssey was less than desirable  I swear if I read the phrase 'Dawn comes early, on rosy fingers' one more time, I'll reanimate Homer just so I can have the satisfaction of being the cause of his second death. But it has been good. I should go talk to people, I know. But I've been figuring out some stuff today and I was social this morning. So, I'm letting myself off. Just this once.

Ever After, in VHS form, is currently in our VCR and I am soo ready to hit play. Since I don't want to stop writing, I figure I might as well discuss what this movie always makes me think of: Romance. I love watching romance movies because it puts me back into my favorite role, that of the observer. Nothing ever happens to me, so I am the observer. That is not entirely true, romantic stuff does happen to me. But what I mean is that I am once again logical. Also, my friends are the ones who deserve these kind of romance stories. I like to imagine that one day I will be the star in my story, but let's be real. I am a Joan Cusack character for life.

ANYWAYS. I just wanted to make a quick list of some of my favorite film relationships.
  1. Harold and Maude. This is one of my favorites because it deals with more than love in a romantic sense. While that is there, it involves a love for life. Maude develops in Harold a love for humanity, for experience, for feeling everything that you possibly can no matter how crazy or painful it may be.
  2. Danielle and Prince Henry. Every. Single. Time. I watch this movie, I fall in love with this romance. It makes me want to cry. When he comes and saves her and she runs across the courtyard and into his arms, I have to squeeze whatever pillow I'm holding because it makes me so ecstatically happy. And how he just talks to her about anything. Plus they have some of the best kisses in movie history.
  3. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. DUH. She is just so perfect, and he is too. They both have to undergo a change before anything can happen and they do it because they love each other. It is hard, but it 
    is worth it in the end. I also love how she says to Mr. Darcy, "It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly." Elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations." I love this because they knew each other well enough to believe exactly what the intentions of the other were. Such a beautiful scene. Best telling comes from the book.
  4. Jane Eyre and Rochester. While this is not perfect, I love how devoted they are to each other. They are both weird and have enough baggage to fill an aircraft carrier, but they accept that and it does not change either one's opinion of the other.
  5. Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 things I hate about you). Okay, this is not the best romance ever or anything. But they are up here because they legitimately have one of the top three kisses EVER. Ever time it is fantastic.
Since I'm on a role... Why stop? Because I do not want to overwhelm you. Although I will leave you with a list of most romantic songs, that are so because it is my humble opinion.
  1. Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. This song tells an incredible story and has a feeling that just kind of stays with you.
  2. Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch. Just wow, I love this song a huge amount and something new pops out every time I listen to it. It actually made me cry the first time I heard it.
  3. Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. Everything about this song is perfect, absolutely everything. I could listen to it all day everyday if I didn't think it would put me in a weird mood. It is beautiful and her voice is great for it and it is just... it just is.
  4. Check Yes or No by George Strait. It would be so easy to make a list of just country songs, but I'll do my best to vary the selection. This song has a special place in my heart, it was always on the radio when I was a kid so it makes me practically giddy to hear it. I would sing this one at the top of my lungs and it reminds me of perfect days in the car with my family going on some adventure with the sun on my face, wind blowing, and a smile stretching from ear to ear.
  5. While this is not a song, it is my favorite... track. I guess you could call it that. A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me. Watch it. Fall in love with it. Let it change you.
I feel like that is enough for tonight. Let this month be different. Do something that scares you. My scripture bookmark says:
Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, 
or someone you're afraid to love, 
or somewhere you're afraid to go. 
It's gonna hurt. 
It's gonna hurt because it matters. ---John Green

Let the design in the stars be the same in the rebuilt machinery of your hearts. Let November be a month where you allow yourself to change or do something different.