Thursday, December 29, 2011
It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.
I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.
You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.
Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.
There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.
ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.
I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.
I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.
There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.
Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!
Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.
It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.
I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.
P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
There are so many beautiful things in this world that people overlook. I like to think of myself as the person who was put on Earth to notice them, to notice the little things. Tonight, my friends and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. I was debating with this one girl about what the word romance means. She was convinced that it was strictly about love and passion and attraction between two people. I disagreed. I believe that romance can be used to describe the magic of a situation and sometimes it can add to the romance between people. The dictionary says that romance is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I LOVE that definition. There was so much romance tonight, but not between people. Salt Lake City was brimming with romance tonight. The way the lights looked, the gnarled tops of the trees next to the temple, the Spanish-influence building South of the temple, the way steam flowed from the nostrils of the horses, the light sound of bagpipes coming from a street performed, the mournful violin, the majesty of the Christus statue juxtaposed with the cosmic backdrop, and the little children going over to touch the robes. It was all romantic. It was all full of wonder that seemed to disrupt everyday life.
That was all I had to say about that. Somehow I feel that writing more about it would ruin it or make it worth less. What more is there to say? My mind is still racing and I cannot figure out why.
I have been bombarded by situations all around that make me want to write, like an actual book. But that is a bit embarrassing and I won't go there right now. Maybe later. But not now.
So many different thoughts but none of them seem worth pursuing. I have felt so lost and inadequate this past little while, and now that I am doing a bit better I don't want to delve back into that. I don't want to dwell on hopelessly romantic (different definition) ideas because that will put me in a weird mood for the next few days and with finals here, I cannot bring myself to do that. Although I have realized that writing about situations that would inspire me to write something here usually puts those situations from my mind and that person and I am home free. I can forget about them and just go back to the usual dynamic. Nothing weird, because when I think about things like this and don't write them down I tend to internalize it and that is when things go downhill. I just think too much.
Okay, the only thing I can think about doing is writing about nothing and everything all at the same time. This next little bit will be a serious of ugly, disconnected thoughts that really have nothing to do with anything and will hopefully make me feel better. If you do not understand, please forgive me but I will not bother to explain. Unless you are dying to know, and even then it is debatable. Here goes.
That is hilarious. I just wrote this huge paragraph and it didn't save because I wasn't logged into the network. But I feel so much better. I'll write again, but this will be different.
Have you ever looked at the space between the moon and the Earth and marveled at the sheer immensity of it all? We are so insignificant and tiny. Oh man I am tired. Romance is just following me everywhere. Not for me though. It is never for me. Which I am perfectly content with. But I can't stand having my mind filled with it because it makes it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. It has just been one of those weeks. Everything has been beautiful, even if in a dark way, and full of potential that I cannot think of anything else. I want to share it with someone but there is no one that would listen. The one person I think who would but only does occasionally. Very much selective hearing. But I can say anything I want to here and I can take as long as I want to say it. I just want to go somewhere. I want to walk. I want to walk forever and not stop until I have seen all the world and am content knowing that I have met everyone that I needed to and saw all that I was created to see. I need movement, I need change. I just need to get out of here. It isn't a bad statement, I don't hate it here. I have a pretty darn good situation. But I just need to leave because my feet are starting to burn up with desire to move and I'm fairly certain I have developed a severe case of cabin fever. One random thing that has been bugging me all day. You know when you're hanging out with someone and you're having fun or at least enjoying yourself a little bit and you think the other person is too but then they talk to one of their friends on the phone and belittle you almost by saying "oh no, its only ---" or whatever? Yeah. I hate that. You are where you are so embrace it. There will never be another moment exactly like that one and so embrace the beauty of its transience and love what you're doing. Make the best of it. If you live to always be somewhere else, then you're missing out on most of life. Life is born out of the spontaneous moments of truth and joy, not out of planned and typical meetings. You need to step out of your comfort zone to truly take life by the reigns. Live it and love it and seize all you can. Live as though you'll never be where you are again because there are so many places to see and people to meet that it is quite likely that you never will. Make it memorable. If it is memorable for me, then I assume it is for you too. If it isn't I am sorry but my memories stay where they are. All I can say is that you are missing out, my friend.
Wow. That was long. But I feel better. And with that, goodnight moon.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Life has been...different. A very beautiful kind of different. I think the reason I ended up back on here is because I needed a little therapy session and in Writing we are doing a unit on creativity and I wrote something and I finally felt like me again. I felt sure and beautiful and different. A beautiful kind of different. So I have decided to write again. Why did I ever stop? There are plenty of things I could be doing right now, but I am getting the feeling this is more important. There is something that I need to say and we shall go on an adventure, just like we used to, and we will find out what that is together.
Where to even begin...
Where does one ever begin? Oh! Language how I've missed you! I have missed putting words together in the exact way I want, or more often than not it just comes out and I just say what I think and it makes so much more sense. My fingers are getting cold, but I'll continue to type anyways. It will simply be a slower process. I am sitting out on my balcony facing the mountains. The stars are hidden by the clouds, but they are so fantastic here! I have seen shooting stars, something I never thought I would. I have recently learned that one of the most wonderful sights is that of the sun setting behind the mountains and the reflection it has over the lake as I look out from the temple and you can see the juxtaposition of the night and day so perfectly as every little house in the valley begins to turn their lights on. That is only challenged by the moon setting behind the mountains and then the few moments after when the sky is still light and purple from it.
My roommate took us up to her cabin in the first few weeks we were here and it is right up in the canyon. We walked around and stuff, I was stunned by the mountains and the sheer magnitude of everything. That night we went to a huge rock that she used to go to and we all laid down together, wrapped up in a blanket, and we looked at the stars. I fell asleep underneath a blanket of cosmos and it was beautiful. There were so many shooting stars and just wonderful things to look at. Halfway through the night though there was a moose or caribou or something big that came by the rock and started munching on stuff...it was pitch black and we were freaking out a bit because it very easily could have been a bear up there in the mountains and the adrenaline from that kept me going for a little while. The next day we went and sunbathed in this lake (glacial runoff). We were so sunburnt! I looked like a lobster. We had a party that night and I think I was judged hardcore. But it was completely worth it.
This balcony is so perfect for sitting, thinking, writing, and just about everything. Let me just give you an idea about what it looks like...it is approximately thirty-five feet by ten feet and it is basically mine. My roommates and I use it but hardly anyone else ever does. I am curled up in my blanket that I made for a young women's project when I was twelve and I'm in sweats looking all cute freezing my hands off. But I am happy. Why have I not done this before? Finally writing again. I can feel my mind slowing down as I type. THIS is my ADD therapy, this is what keeps me sane. How have I survived?!
Well, moving on. What should I talk about? Oh, I know how I have survived. My parents bought me a little travel guitar and that has been my sanctuary. I am getting much better! I'm not good yet, but I'm better. One of my roommates and I have jam seshs. She is the vocals and I'm the instrumental. Our favorite song is "Someone like you" by Adele. That is possibly one of the most intense and beautiful songs. The lyrics are so incredible, and we always have to sing it. Depressing, but good.
I am trying to think about how I can actually begin to describe life here. It is beyond anything I could have thought. I know I hated the idea of coming here. I thought everyone was going to be obnoxious and in my face religious. Everyone was going to be perfect and the same. Everyone was going to be ignorant and painfully annoying.
What I got was the biggest slap to the face I have ever gotten in my life. Yes, so many people here are beautiful and stylish and perfect. But there are so many real people here, like me. I lucked out on roommates. While they do some stuff that annoys me, they really are good people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My FHE brothers are fantastic and they are some of the sweetest and most genuine people. And fairly attractive, not going to lie. Yeah, it was hard coming here and my face suddenly decided that it was going to be ugly and breakout everywhere and I swear that everyone here has perfect skin. They are all skinny as anything and if they aren't then they totally know how to rock their curves. I am awkwardly in between. There are more homecoming court, valedictorians, and concert pianists here than anywhere else in the world. The most frustrating thing is that all those qualities are generally in the same person. I am nothing here. Nothing. School is hard and I feel like the dumbest one in most of my classes. But I have had such great experiences as a result.
I was not the kind of person to 'hang out' in high school. I always had to be doing something and moving so fast. There had to be a purpose to everything. But here I have changed. I just hang out whenever. I pick up my guitar and some people and I have jam sessions on the balcony or something. My roommates and I always are having parties of some kind or another. Not the typical college parties. But the kind that we remember for years afterwards and don't regret anything we do. We have so much fun and meet so many people.
Okay, I am just going to stop whatever I was going to say right there. None of that is feeling right. I was thinking about talking about boys, but that is not where I wanted to go either.
I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up or where I want to go and be. I am a traveler. I know that is what I want to do and somehow will do. I just need to figure out how. I also have tried to realize the kind of person that I want to become. And it makes me so happy to realize that I have started to become that person. Curling up with a book on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea is me. There are so many different me's that I want to be. I want to be the woman that can sit on the balcony of her house on the South Carolina beaches and look beautiful in a turtleneck and jeans with no makeup. I want to be the woman that can hop on a plane one day and hours later be knee deep in Ugandan mud as I write a story about the women there and the role that they play in society for National Geographic. I want to be sitting in a small coffeeshop listening to an old friend play and he invites me up to sing what used to be our song and I either sing or play guitar and I do it well.
These are all silly dreams. Of a silly girl. That has a silly, misguided look at the world. But I want that all to be me. You will probably laugh when you read this, who ever you are. But these are truly things I have thought about and want. I never want to be average. I want to take control of the opportunities that are out of the ordinary and I want to make them mine. I want to be able to look at the world and say thank you for everything you have given me. I feel like Pocahontas right now. "Do you still wait for me Dream Giver?" Because I am here. Dreamer. More so than I think I have ever been. That will never change. I am utterly impossible. And I apologize. Yet, I don't. I am not apologetic for who I am, but for who you think yourself to be if you feel the need to judge me. I am unabashedly Emily. I am a grasshopper, an artist, a dreamer, a scientist, and a tea drinker. I make my own henna and don't care that it smells funny. I laugh loudly. I dream big. I play my music so that you can hear it. I speak my thoughts. Some days I don't take my medicine. I won't fall in love. I am a dreamer and a cynic. I hike. I read in the sun. I sing when I know no one will hear me. I dance so that everyone can. I let you know who I am. The design in the stars is the same in my heart. In the broken down machinery of my heart. I am gun-shy. I listen to the rain. I cry. I smile at everything because I find life to be so funny. My language is sentimentality and life and change. I wish I was in black and white. I love the lines on my hand. I jam to Bollywood music. I watch Korean dramas. I eat seaweed. I have gone through six jars of peanut butter jars so far. I am so grateful for my wide open spaces, my room to make a big mistake. I drink my tea boiling. I hate my feet. There is nothing that compares to sitting on rooftops. I want my own love story but I'm too scared of anything to do anything about something. I want to dance in the Museum of Art. I have covered my wall with articles and pictures from travel magazines and film pictures I took and had developed. I am freezing on my balcony because I want to be outdoors, whatever that takes. I am in love with the world. I am in love with Amos Lee. I am in love with soul and all things beautiful. I love possibility and the world is overflowing with it right now.
Goodnight, until we meet again.
P.S. There are so many spiritual experiences that I've had and you might be hearing those later.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I am a curly headed world traveler who strives for excellence. My school years thus far have been an eclectic mix of theatre, debate, travel, music, and change. I am the oldest in a family of four, plus two dogs. I have been active in my ward and branch youth programs as the class president of the Beehives, Miamaids, and Laurels. Theatre is something I enjoy greatly, both performance and production. While living in Southeast Asia I was part of an improv and classical acting school group, and traveled to Beijing for a thespian conference. Recently I was in a major school play and I am currently a part of my school’s improv troupe. As a National Forensics League member I have been captain of the forensics team, won district titles, and competed in the national tournament. As for music, I am an accomplished saxophone player in both the wind ensemble and jazz band, and taught myself both piano and guitar. I have been on the school’s academic honor roll since sixth grade and am involved in the National Honor Society. I am fluent in American sign language and soon hope to become a part of the American Sign Language Honor Society. During the summer you can find me at a local barn as a camp counselor teaching kids how to ride, groom, and tack horses. I love camping, backpacking, and travel of all kinds. I plan to pay my own way through college with minimal help from my parents, and believe that only then will I truly value my education and choose a path that makes me happy and forces me to challenge myself. I enjoy challenges and learning, so college will be the perfect environment for me.
I lived in Jakarta for two years and traveled extensively in Asia. Travel with school groups took me to Indonesia’s national parks, the Krakatoa volcano site off the Java coast, to Bali, and also to Beijing to attend an international theatre conference there. I also traveled with my family throughout Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Borneo (East Malaysia), and Thailand. The human and geographic diversity built into these experiences have shrunk distances to bring the world closer, from the slums of Jakarta to an orangutan preserve, from Singapore’s glitzy Orchard Road to devout Thai Buddhist monks and Muslim radicals.
I learned very early that you have to face trials to succeed. My Mom, now a seven year cancer survivor taught me that lesson first hand. Although listing accomplishments would be the standard approach to telling you more about myself, I know that deeper lessons lie in our reactions to life’s disappointments. Most recently and thus most painfully, I auditioned for a play that for years had been my dream to perform. As an experienced upperclassman, I was sure to fulfill my dream. But alas, I was cast in what I saw as the smallest role. Although it seemed nearly unbearable, I went into the long rehearsals with the attitude that I would do what I could with the role. Although it was painful to watch others in the parts I had visualized for myself, I received many compliments on my performance that I know I would not otherwise have had. Another experience that I’ll take with me on life’s journeys.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know
But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.
It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."