If I had written this earlier today, I would be going on a rant about how stupid high school is and how no one really functions on my level. As pious and conceited as that sounds, it felt like that earlier. I was thinking about hermeneudic studies and philosophy of dialogue and the meaning of life (no joke.) while everyone else is talking about what prom is going to be like and how she said something that was sooooo offensive that they might have to switch groups and her dress is exactly the same and they're friends with that group....UGH. no more.
BUT, this is not earlier and I really don't care about all of that now. Easy A and Ben Rector changed that. I'm falling back into that 'falling in love with love' mood, but this time it is different. I'm falling in love with life. Life has its own rhythm that only it knows and doesn't want to share. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Trusting in the Lord that it will all work out.
Easy A got me to thinking about boys and my whole love fixation. It really seems like an obsession, chick flicks, romance novels, etc...I've gotten over that. For the most part. I don't think this is something I'll ever outgrow, but at this point I don't mind. So anywho, boys. Movies like Easy A used to frustrate me to no end, because I could never find a boy like that one. I would be in a mood for days as I try to attract the closest guy I could find like that. Which obviously never worked out. But no more. This movie made me realize how perfect my eternal companion will be. Not perfect, but for what I'm talking about yes. I love how at the end of the movie Todd is just standing in her front yard and opens his arms, expecting her to come running to him. I LOVEE that. I rewinded to it like five times. I realized today though, I don't need to find someone who does exactly that. But find the attitude behind it. That is what is perfect. Find someone who is willing to open up so completely and embrace me in a way that makes it okay for me to go running to him like that. He'll also have to be strong enough to catch me...but minor details.
The same thing happened in AP Chem, except we were watching Stardust. I have always loved Tristan, the new one not the one obsessed with Victoria. When he and Yvaine were walking next to each other on their way to Wall and he pushes her, it is so perfect. They are so comfortable with each other that they can joke and tease and love it. My teacher commented on that part and said: "See! Look at how gentle he is with her." And he was, even though they were pushing and shoving, there was a gentle tenderness behind it. That is what I need to find. The base on which all I love is founded. I don't need the guy who does the actions but I need one with the motivation behind it.
Ben Rector only solidified all of that. I'm loving it. I'm loving today. I'm loving life. The moment, that is where I exist right now. I have no other worries outside of now. I don't care what is for dinner, I care about the chords I'm hearing now. Now. The moment.
I'll find my guy, maybe I've already found him but I just don't know yet. Either way, it will figure itself out. All I have to do is be myself and it will happen. I don't know who all reads this, but I'm curious about your thoughts. Please comment or facebook me or ask me a tumblr question about this with thoughts or questions!
This is so wonderful. Life is so good. I look around my room and see a mixture of all the things I've integrated into my life over the past few years. My notebooks, thought books, vinyl records, Audrey Hepburn posters and calendar, peace poster, a poster about world hunger, posters from my shows, books galore, mix cds from friends, paintings and my neutral duvet that somehow accomodates me and all of my craziness. The neutral brings it all together with my brown walls with masks and batiks hanging on it.
Today life seemed to have stopped just to be content. There is no reason in particular for me to be like this, I just am. And I am so grateful I have the freedom to be so.