Wednesday, May 30, 2012

So, Here We Go Bluebird

I wanted to title this after some lyric from Iris, but that seemed too cliche. Oh, if you have not noticed...all of these posts are named after song lyrics. Just FYI.

I am here to tell you that life is weird. Surprise, spoiler alert. It seems weird in middle school and high school. It doesn't stop evolving into something that is so strange you can't even recognize it as your own life anymore. It becomes something not your own and you see it from a third person point of view almost, until then something shakes you back into reality and out of the psychological disconnect that you are feeling.

Let your life breathe.

When you do not let it, it becomes this beast pacing inside of you making you anxious. That is what happened to me tonight.

I've forgotten that music can really and truly move me, and remind my soul of what is important. It had been so long since that happened, tonight was making up for all the lost time. There was a musical revue at my old high school. I've been back to visit twice and that is all I think I'll go back. They have their own lives, the teachers have moved on. I'll visit Mr. Richards and I think that is it. But anyways, so the musical revue was tonight and it was comprised of many different people singing many different songs. Duh. So there was this one woman who sang the song "Days of Plenty" from the musical Little Women. I just started to sob. It was as though something inside of me had exploded and the only way to keep my body from imploding into the hole was through crying. I was completely overwhelmed by emotions that came from every-which psychological direction.

Suddenly I was hit with the fact that everything in my past has happened. For some reason it has all felt like a dream recently, but tonight that changed. I was shocked with the feeling that came with acceptance of my past and realization of the uncertainty of my future. "There has to be believe that she matters! and believe that she always will!" Those were the lyrics that really struck me. Something that I've been having trouble with lately is that my life has meaning and that I can change things. There have been so many times that I've thought that the world doesn't need someone as small as me. I have grand ideals, but most people do. I am lost in a sea of theoretics and dreams while I am not working to make them come true. Not because I don't want it bad enough, but because I don't know how to make those dreams come true.

Another strange feeling came from a song that a friend sang tonight. She graduated a while ago and when she sang, it reminded me of sitting backstage listening to her sing in Into the Woods. Her voice transported me back to a time that I have blocked out of my mind. It hurt to think about it, it hurt to think about that time. I don't entirely know why, but I know that it happened and I know that it touched me. I cried because things have changed and will never, ever go back. Why does this happen? Is everyone this unsure? Does change really feel this strange? I was honestly sitting there feeling like I was going insane. There were so many thoughts that I wasn't going to rule that option out.

I am going to miss my friends who are going on missions, I won't see them again for the most part. I'll get wedding invitations from them, maybe an email or two. But that part of my life is literally gone and scattered across the earth. Never to be reassembled again. I am missing some of them already because I keep wanting to talk to them but realize that I can't because they don't want to hear what I have to say because what they are doing is so much more important than any of my petty things.

I am scared for the future. I am scared that it isn't going to give me what I want. That I won't be able to have the life that I want and will be dissatisfied. I know that God is going to make it more than I could hope, I just hope that I can be fine with it. Prayers, scripture reading, and listening to General Authorities ought to fix that, right? Right!

Another thing, I HATE BEING A GIRL. I get all lonely sometimes and it sucks like nothing else. There are those times when you just need someone to give you a wonderfully tight hug and tell you that everything will be okay and that you are beautiful no matter what. That who ever it is cares for you and will because you are important to them. They actually care what you think. I like having someone there because they are there for cuddling and everything and it is just warm and beautiful. I have a friend that I saw tonight that would make a great romantic interest. I'm not saying that I'm interested in him, we're just friends. Legit, that's it. But his personality that is fun in such a way that everything would just be fun and cute and light. I love that! Nothing would be terribly awkward or heavy with emotion and thought. He would be thoughtful without being weird. I would love something like that. Please.

But alas and alack, I am alone and shall remain so. I bid you adieu for tonight, I'm going to go drown my feelings in coca-cola, cookies, and Deep Space Nine.