Monday, December 27, 2010

I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano

As I was walking through the stores today, I was doing some solo shopping, and I heard the song: "Collide" by Howie Day. I'm sure you've heard it. Almost every adolescent teen has.

It always reminds me of Jakarta. If you don't know, the two years I spent in Jakarta were some of the most formative I've ever had. It made me who I am today in a way that nothing else, save my religion, has.

The particular memory that came to mind today was of the Cilandak Talent Show thing my seventh grade year. I was the lights girl, and as usual I was doing lights for this show. Therefore I was able to see the show beforehand. This one guy sang Collide and I asked him why. He said it was for his girlfriend. When he sang it I made sure to look at her face. She was crying. I thought it was one of the sweetest things I've ever witnessed. I wondered how it could be that two eighth graders (they were a year older than me) could be connected that deeply. I know that through my description they did not seem too extraordinary. But when they looked at each other, there was no way to doubt the intensity of the connection there. They understood each other fully.

I realized it is because being overseas changes you. That is where I found a friend that I can remain best friends with, even though we don't talk for years. You cling to what you know, and you learn to become friends quick. You reach a higher level when you move overseas. It changes the way of thinking. One of the ways I know this is because I'll be friends with a person and we'll be good friends and I'll find out that they are overseas kids too.

I don't know why I wrote this, all I know is that I was impressed to do so.

Moving on.

Well. Actually I can't think of anything else. The stars have ceased to be a muse for the past few weeks due to lack of them thanks to the weather. And yeah, that's about it. Goodnight all.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The design in the stars is the same in our hearts


Hello world. Hello life. Hello adventure.

Who am I? Where am I going? I don't know. But I do know that there is an adventure in store. And I'm ready. Life, take me. Take me where the wind blows. To the place where I can still see the line created when the deep blue of the sky and that of the ocean meet together. Where the stars kiss the waves so deeply that Venus and Adonis would be jealous. I know a place where the sun meets the sky. That is where I want to be.

Even though, wherever I go, I probably won't be able to see that place it will be okay. I will carry that place in my heart. It is my 'happy place'. My sanctuary.

I remember this one trip I took in Indonesia to a volcano. We had stayed on this island for four days and had packed up the night before. We woke up at four in the morning, ate pancakes at the hut, and then piled onto the speedboats. It was dark, and I was trying to sleep on the hull of the boat. The water was flat, relatively speaking. And the clouds covered the sky, so it was dark for a good while. But when the sun finally started to show, it created an image that will forever remain in my mind as one of the most peaceful I have ever seen. The holes in the clouds allowed the light to pass through in concentrated columns. Those pillars shone straight down and spotted the water. It was glorious to say the least. That became the place I went when I longed for something different. Longed for change. I also remember that a hour into that trip we came across dolphins swimming next to our boat. And then when Anak Krakatoa became this green emergence above the blue of the ocean, I thought it could not get any better.

My sanctuary.

Anyways, I'm trying to come up with clever things to say but I can't think of anything at the moment. So, Emily signing off. Merry Christmas Eve!

Monday, December 13, 2010

And the pianos this melancholy soundtrack

Hey you. How you been? Yeah, long time no blog.

So, no one ever told me how hard senior year was going to be. I mean, they mentioned that you'd have more work. I just never knew that the whole world would fall around you. And on you. And under you.

Life is crazy in a way that I never would have imagined. The main thing is college. I don't know where I want to go. BYU seems to really want me. But I don't know what I would study. USU hasn't done anything at all to recruit me, but they have a program I like. Thank goodness I have the Lord on my side.

There were a few times this week when I truly felt that He was right there next to me. Telling me "be still, and know that I am God". He knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it. I've been feeling alone for the longest time, and He aleviated my pain. Thank you.

At a dance, my friends and I were talking about how lucky we are as Mormons to know the things we do. College is such an 'easy' decision because we ask the Lord where it is we should go and where we are meant to go. It can be incredibly hard to take his answer, but we know it is the right choice.

On another note, in AP Lit we saw this poem, that I thought was absolutely fantastic. Read it out-loud, it sounds better that way.

"The Dawn of Weird" by Derrick Brown

'Twas the dawn of Weird
and I had woken up early.

There was no difference between
sky and sea,
so dogs chased tennis balls into the shore break
of cumulus clouds.

Sea lions flew point
in the formations of sparrows.

Fishermen caught birds,
and set them free.
The birds were understanding and as a gift
brought back worm sandwiches.
Which were surprisingly tasty.

Airplanes landed safely underwater
as mermaids guided us in with pop-electric jellyfish.

Guns had turned to black licorice.
All the cops were nibbling on shotguns
and one by one all the criminals cried
and turned themselves in
to the dentist.

Hospitals morphed and became
rubber bounce castles.
They had to call security
to usher out the scalpels
and to keep the elderly
from hogging the twisty slide.

Billboards became drive-in movie screens
replaying what our feet looked like
when we were chasing our dreams.

Everyone walked home.

And all the tombstones
in all the graveyards
crumbled into seeds.

Flora bloomed immediately.

Bees halted on the outskirts
of the cemetery walls,
reverence for the ending,
the passing of all.

With antennae bowed
and honey tears starting,
they pledged to stand guard
of the bright human garden.

The largest pile of flowers...
it rosse from your name.
The wind swelled a whisper
that said

"They're O.K. they're all O.K."

It was a solid mountain of sunflowers.

The world blazed in color and I welcomed the change.
It was the dawn of weird and the morning of strange.

Amazing how all this
did come to pass,
just a child cutting loose
in a poetry class.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Standing on a darkened stage

Hey there. Long time no see.

This blog is my confidante of sorts. I can talk and talk and talk and it can't say anything back. It listens. And I need a listener. All my ramblings and talk of well...anything...want to be heard. If no one were to read this, it would be enough to me to simply write it.

Thank you.

Now I have some extra time because I applied to college the other day and feel like I don't have anything important to do :) The only two schools I applied for: BYU and USU. I would be happy and either. I know I said I hated BYU, but recently I've come think about it more. They've sent me an honors college letter and an instrumental Christmas CD because my grades are good. My mom is convinced it's a sign.

I don't know.

But it is done now. I don't even know if I'll get in. So I might as well just relax :) Honestly, I'm more scared about my senior pictures tomorrow that college.

Sorry, I'm getting distracted. I'm watching a movie. I'm a hopeless romantic in every sense of the word. And this movie I'm watching, the girl just sat down on this bench that was dedicated to an elderly couple that recently passed away. She sat down and the guy wanted to give her some privacy and started walking away. She said: "come sit with me." I love lines like that. Simple and so charged with emotion.

It is beautiful. Love. There is no explanation for it. Once a wise man told me of two lovers that: "instead of reading textbooks, tried to memorize the moon." I also remember how he once told me of an image that strikes me every time I hear it.

You wonder how these things begin
Well, this begins with a Glen. It begins with a season,
Which, for want of a better reason, we might as well call September.
It begins with a forest, where the woodchucks woo, And leaves wax green,
And the vines entwine moonlight lovers.
Try to see it - not with your eyes, because they're wise,
But with your ears - the cool, green breathing of the leaves.
And hear it with the inside of your hand, The soundless sound of shadows.
Celebrate sensation!
Recall it's secret place - You've been there you remember?
That special place? Where someone held your hand?
And love was sweeter than the berries or the honey,
Or the stinging taste of mint It is September - before a rainfall.
Perfect time to be in love

I want that to be me one time. Someday. If only to write like that. But that will never be in the whole meridian of time.

Well, my movie is over. Goodnight.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Next Stop Everything

The title of this entry has many meanings. One: It is the name of a fantastic song from my favorite tv series "Doctor Who". Two: I'm applying to college and will be off soon, therefore 'next stop everything'.

I'm looking at all these different colleges right now. But I just worked on my BYU app and am almost done with my USU app, so I had some free time. There are so many options. I was looking at American nursing schools in Paris, France. Or in Aberdeen and Dublin. What if...

I can't help but wonder what if. Is it just wistful thinking or is this a push to make a choice so far removed from everything else that it is actually a possibility? I don't know. My life has become so confusing lately that I honestly don't know what to think.

I was involved in the production of 'The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr". I had a small part, but everyone who saw me said I was like this girl that I look up to greatly. And that was the best compliment! But now that it is over, I'm lost.

It's almost like I have a hole in my heart. It was my last production in theatre, probably ever. I won't act with those people again, or have the same experience. I have found that most friendships seem to grow exponentially when you are stranded at school together, till midnight, back stage at a drama production. SO many fun memories. And I will miss it.

There is magic in the theatre. And the theatre is magic.

It is my nirvana. To an extent. There is a certain beauty that comes with holding hands in a circle, surrounded by silence, while being bathed by the faint glow of work lights. Or the magic found in the tips of your fingers as you drag them in the dark with one hand on the black wall you used for so many performances and the other hand on the light linen of the sike.

The way our show was done, there was a corridor of sorts at the very back where no one could see you. Thats where the sike hung about a foot away from the wall. That is where it was quiet.

Now, if you haven't done theatre I probably sound ridiculous. But it's not. Mostly.

But it was a great show. It's getting late and I'm needing some warm apple sauce to try to combat the day.

Monday, November 1, 2010

I've got a fire on the soles of my feet

I keep starting posts but never finishing them. I wonder why...regardless I am convinced I will finish this one.

So, whats up? I feel like my blog is a friend that I haven't seen in a while. It's almost like it is awkward until we warm up to each other and can talk normally, you know? Well, hello blog! I've missed you.

Life has been so hectic recently that I don't know what to think about it. My grandpa had bypass surgery two weeks ago, and is still in the hospital. It just keeps getting worse, and it is strange for me. I don't feel it like how I think I should. Is there a right way to feel worry? I'm not like one of the girls in a movie where that is all they think about or they need to inhale sharply and sit on a couch and then break down into tears. No. For me it is more that I'll be really tired and then think of it and feel suddenly sad. But then it is gone. Like a wish on an eyelash.

Does that make me a bad person? I'm not sad like everyone else is. Am I wrong?

I wish I knew.

But besides that, senior year has been great in its own right! I've met a bunch of cool new people, been on some dates ;) and more. Haha. I keep getting the feeling that life has no where to go but up. And I'm going to run with that.

Honestly, whenever I'm outside and the stars are out I can't help but stop and stare. One morning, 'bout 5:50, I walk outside to my car and the moon is so bright you can see your shadow. The stars shine so bright that I feel sometimes that it is just for me because I'm the only one to notice. But I hope not.

Dear Blog, I hope we can become friends once more. We all have our awkward spells, see you soon!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I look up at the night, Planets are moving at the speed of light

I was just about to turn on the next episode of Bones, but I decided this would be more productive.

I'm really glad that I haven't posted anything recently because I have been in a horrible mood. It's been a really really hard couple of weeks. I have been so lost and disoriented that I've gotten close to giving up and giving in. But I haven't. I don't know where the strength came from, well I do, and I'd like to thank Mr. Alpha and Omega for that.

In the words of the immortal Cat Stevens: "I'm beat, I'm torn, shattered and tossed and worn, too shocking to see". Between school issues and more I've been flipped and turned upside down and all I've wanted to do is get my bearing. I'm the kind of person to keep problems inside because I don't want to burden anyone with them. I always feel that my issues are too trivial compared to most to merit verbalization. That's why I have this blog, sort of. It works.

But, I digress. Where I was going with the whole keeping things bottled up inside thing was that I'm ADD and having more than one thought or thing to worry about bouncing around in my head creates the feeling of complete and utter confusion and despair. I get overwhelmed very easily. So, with these problems I kept them inside and they just built upon each other until I was lost.

Then things would pick back up and I would be happy. Then right when I'd start to feel really good about something, it would shatter into pieces in my hands. Kind of like a reverse Midas touch sort of thing.

When there was no one in my life that stayed constant for a while and, as cheesy as this sounds, I'd befriend the stars. I have an aunt that I respect SO much, she is amazing, and she showed me Orion's belt. Now, ten something years later when I'm sitting on the roof of my car at my secret place and looking at the stars I see that and feel a comfort with it. It has been there and will continue to be.

Also, as it gets colder I begin to see the stars clearer. It's awesome as I get in the car to go to seminary to walk under that canopy of scintillating glamour. It's wonderful. I feel so small in comparison but not in a 'belittling' way. Oxymoronical I know. But stay with me here. It makes me feel small physically but gives me the impression that I am a part of something much bigger. I'm talking Inception scale. When I look at the stars, I feel like that girl. I am captain of my own destiny and can be whatever I want to be.

Thank you stars.

And goodnight.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hitch a ride on the back of a butterfly

SOOOO. hi.

Life has been getting better. I've been sounding really depressed lately, and that's because there has been a whole bunch of stuff in my life, that I'd rather not elaborate on right now (if its killing you not to know, then text me or hit me up on skype). But let it be said, I'm feeling better. Life has "smoothed out" I guess you could say?

I'm feeling really chill right now. I'm jamming out to one of my favorite train songs (Get to me) while drinking Jones cream soda and writing this. *sigh* Life is good.

Don't you love when the night is full of electricity? It's almost as if you won't be able to get to sleep if you open your windows because of all the excitement in the air. It happens especially when the night is a blueish-indigo with clouds illuminated by the moon with the stars as a backdrop. You can feel everything buzzing with possibility and just life.

I don't know. The past few nights have been like that. What I really want to do is take the baby taylor (guitar), drive to one of the abandoned turn offs on loudoun county parkway, and just sit on the hood and sing. I could sing as loud as I want because I wouldn't disturb anyone with my horrible vocal sounds. :)

But, I like how peaceful that sounds. My dream car is a VW bus, and preferably one with a pop up top. Reason being: my dad lived in Wyoming for a bit of his life (he kind of lived everywhere) but he would drive out into yellowstone or something and would be in a field surrounded by buffalo just playing on his guitar.


I would go do it now...but I can't. Its past my curfew :P

I keep thinking I'm sleepy, until I look outside. Or put my head out. Then that 'energy force' flows right back in. The stars really are beautiful. That's another I like to do while lying on the hood of my car: look at the stars. They are so constant and hold so many connotations. You can never get tired of them.

One day they might twinkle with romance, or be alight with the promise of a new day, or be the friends that have always been there for you. Like thunderstorms.

My dad and I, when we lived in Spring Green, we used to sit out on the back porch and watch the thunder roll in. I was almost five and I loved watch the lightning sear a mark in the sky. It was so magical. We would sit there in silence and watch nature do its thing.

Years later, when I was in seventh and eighth grade, I lived overseas. We had two seasons: rainy and dry. During the rainy season I would go out onto our porch, this time by myself, and watch the rain and lightning. What was so amazing was that it was hot and the raindrops were warm. You could almost feel their presence without touching them. Almost as if they were delicate glass tears that would shatter if you even thought about touching them. And I cannot even begin to describe the thunder. It was simply breathtaking.

Well, that's all I have for today. It's not much, just me ranting about nonimportant things. I just love these nights.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Midas is King and he holds me so tight

Oh goodness.

Crazy couple of weeks. And let me just say now, that if you are reading this I'm sorry if I freaked you out at all. Don't worry because it's really nothing. And I would love to get at text from you at some point. But no worries.


Senior year. It's insane. I don't really know why. Okay, so I do know why. I just don't want to admit it. I really don't get along with many people in school. And I'll just leave it there.

I get so many crazy things running through my head that I can't keep track of them all. I promise that I had a purpose when I started writing!! I just can't seem to remember.

So, I'll ramble.

It's been a reallllllly long day. Started out w/ seminary (which was funny), then I went to school and sat on the stage. I love to do that, just sit on an empty dark stage. Sometimes I turn the lights on to imagine that I am the star of the show and am actually decent at acting. But the stage is such a great place to ponder. It is deserted for one thing, no one is ever there. And it has life. Living, breathing life ingrained in its floorboards and curtains. Just by sitting there you take part in something that has been thousands of years in the making. You become part of something great. Something bigger than you are.

It's my perfect thinking space. It reminds me of everything I am, will be, and once was.

It's where I go now whenever I have a free moment. I just want to get away. This summer has made me into something. I don't know yet what that is, but I hope that I will in time. I feel like I have had a glimpse into my greatest potential and while I am at school, I can never reach it. There is no one there to help me achieve that. But it is high school right? One more year. One more year. That is the mantra that will help me survive.

I honestly think that I am a great oddity for my age. I get the feeling that I am an old soul in a young body. Typically it's the other way around. That merely adds to my differences.

Well, I've got to go.

Saturday, August 21, 2010


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

This is kind of how I'm feeling today. It's been a long couple of days. I'm sorry if you're reading this. It's completely pointless to you probably, but it helps me immensely. I needed it right now.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hello Darkness, my old friend

It's one of those nights that I can't get to sleep, my mind is too busy. I don't know what to think.

It's beautiful outside. Solid eighty degrees w/ a breeze and enough clouds to highlight the moon but you can still see the stars. It's a lover's night. Or a thinker's night, or a dreamer's. It can be whatever it wants to be and won't be thought of differently.

I have had a crazy summer. It has truly been one of the best. I feel much more secure about so many of the good things I do. I have more confidence to be who I am, in my true form. And I feel like I will be accepted for it. It's a very freeing feeling.

But one thing about my summer I wish would happen is ... well ... I don't really want to say it. It's wishful thinking and is probably completely wrong. But, needless to say, my friend Bronwen and I have been wanting to do a double date thing. We have some stuff planned and it would be really fun! My problem is that I don't really have anyone to take. She knows people because she is social and everybody loves her. I'm sort of like that, but not with church people (because those are the people I'd want to bring). I know a lot out here, I'm just not really close enough to any of them to ask if they'd want to go on a date. I did meet one person that I would love to go on a date with, but he isn't here right now. The weird thing is that I feel like I connected with him on a much deeper level than most any person I know. It's weird and I haven't known him that long, but there it is.

Like I said, I can't sleep and I'm hoping that by writing this down, I'll be able to catch some z's tonight. I have this guy here that thinks he knows me...but he really doesn't. We watch the same movies. That's it. And honestly, I become good friends with someone if we have the same music, because music is really important to me. But not movies. Whatevs. And I have this friend that goes on dates with this guy, and I'm jealous. I wish I could do that. But I can't. And there really isn't anyone else out here that I'm interested in. Again, I know this sounds weird, and I'm sorry. You're probably not going to even read this. But if you do, understand that I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm just the kind of person that likes to say these things and hope you don't read this, but secretly I hope you do. Because it's something that I wouldn't say to your face right now. *sigh* this just sounds worse the more I talk.

Point is, I wish I knew you better and that you were here so we could talk. But thank you for everything and best of luck at college(: You can text me anytime! Or call. Haha

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Life was easier when we were 3 feet tall

Wow. Life goes fast. I keep forgetting.

The reason I say that is we found a phone in our extra room that my mom had in Jakarta. It's one of the early motorola razors. My sister really wanted it because she doesn't actually have a phone. So she found the charger so we could use it. We turned it on today and found a bunch of pictures on it from there.

Now, bear with me here because I get slightly nostalgic when I think about my time overseas. But one of the reasons is that I don't have much to remember it by. We lost the majority of our pictures and I didn't keep a very good journal. Therefore, my memory is starting to fade.

It's hard because that was one of the biggest events in my life so far. I'd never had a best friend or really been accepted by people until I moved there. I'd moved to so many schools and stuff that Jakarta International School was the first school I'd been at for more than a year. I'd gone to a Catholic preschool, a different kindergarten, then I was homeschooled 1st-4th grade. Then I went to 5th grade, and then a new middle school and finally we moved to Jakarta.

I say all of that because life moves fast. I'm only seventeen and I acknowledge that and I know that things happen quickly. It may not seem so while you're in it. But it does. You look back and sometimes even regret blinking and missing that millisecond. Most people don't realize that until it's too late.

While we are so busy trying to grow up, we miss so much. You're only a kid once. You can be a 'grown up' forever. There is a song, Grow Down, and one of the lines goes like this: Life was easier when we were three feet tall. When you made mistakes you didn't have so far to fall. Problems are so far away, when you're so close to the ground. Why can't we all just grow down?

And I love that song, and that chorus in particular. (I also liked: planning for the future meant saturdays). It's so true that life seemed easier. Now I'm planning for college and such. It's a little scary. And I miss the days when I could run outside and play for hours on end with no real consequences, except maybe sunburn.

To close I guess, I'll just say that I might as well enjoy every minute I have. There will only be one August 4, 2010 in my life. And I'd like to remember it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

I had something I wanted to say, and now that I'm at the computer I've forgotten. It reminds me of that line in Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy wanted to hear Elizabeth play the pianoforte and they had a small discussion resulting in her saying that neither of them performed for an audience and would not say anything that would not impress the whole room.

Obviously, I am not Elizabeth. But, I feel like writing. So I shall.

I'm in another one of my pathetically romantic moods. But I won't bore you with that.

I've been feeling kind of lame lately, for a plethra of reasons. And one night I was feeling particularly on the lame side of the cool spectrum and picked up my ipod. I hit shuffle (because I can never pick one song to listen to) and it went to Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne. It was one of the old Avrils, not one where she is posing as a punky cheerleader.

That song has always been one of my favorites because I've always wanted to be Anything But Ordinary. I do that in my small little ways. Mostly it's just me being myself. And that's all anyone can ask for.

That's all I have for tonight, mostly because my sister and I are going to be watching Pushing Daisies (my new favorite show). Fare thee well.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Writing helps me think, and I really can't do anything else right now. I would write in my journal, but my hand moves to slowly to catch what I'm thinking.

I'm trying to think about how much I really want to write about me. My dreams, aspirations, etc. Some of it seems too silly to say, while there are some that are too heavy to post. And it's those thoughts and feelings I'm dealing with now. :P

The Earth really is a fragile place. But it is so...magical.

I can't help but feel the electricity in the air when I look out the window at night and see the vast expanse between land and the moon. The perspective it gives is refreshing. It reminds me that I am only a small being on the surface of the Earth, and even the planet itself is a pale, blue dot in the universe. And yet, I can still make a difference. I, the small little speck, have potential to be something great.

When I realize that, I can't help but find beauty in everything. For example, today I found the beauty in a raindrop. It was perfectly formed and looked like a small glass ornament. And I loved the splash it made as it hit the asphalt. Then how the street lights look on the pavement after a good storm. It seems to bring out colors that weren't there before.

But the strange thing is that with all this beauty and potential, there is so much sadness. I don't know anything that is more difficult to say than goodbye. Maybe it's because I've said so many. Or because the people I've said it to haven't been in my life for years now. I miss them, and sometimes it hurts.

That is life right? We make entrances and exits into others' lives and they do the same to our own. With so many friends graduating and moving on, I've started to think about this more and more. It's not that I'm sad. I understand that you are going off to bigger and better things, and I know that I'm going to be doing the exact same thing.

I just don't like being the one left behind. I don't like to be forgotten. Trust me, I've been in that position.

But, it's not even that. I just like change so much it frustrates me when I'm not the one changing. I'm so used to moving around and new schools and people, that I don't know what to do when I'm with the same people for more than a few years.

I have a friend, Ginger, that thinks like I do sometimes. We are old souls and do the things that people 20-30 years older than us do. We like to reflect on our lives and think about everything that's happened to us. It's like we're talking about "the good old days" when they really aren't old at all.

I can't help it sometimes. I just think. And writing helps me organize that. Oh look, we're back to the beginning, aren't we? Haha. It seems appropriate. And that is the end. My head has marginally cleared, and that's all I can ask for.

Song Are Like Tattoos

I was making a few mix cds to create the "soundtrack of my summer" and wanted to post them. It's an eccentric mix, but I like it. and here they are:

1. blackbird-the beatles
2. rain-creed
3. heal over-kt tunstall
4. mixed tape-jack's mannequin
5. she is love-parachute
6. 5 years time-noah and the whale
7. be my escape-relient k
8. grow down-taylor berrett
9. weekend warriors-cute is what we aim for
10. let's dance-david bowie
11. boys of summer-don henley
12. the boy with the arab strap-belle & sebastian
13. i can see for miles-the who
14. the unwinding cable car-anberlin
15. rain-breaking benjamin
16. mrs robinson-simon and garfunkle
17. solsbury hill-peter gabriel
18. tangerine-knightsbridge strings
19. don't be shy-cat stevens
20. can't go back now-the weepies

[baby shark]
1. norwegian wood-the beatles
2. chai tea latte-angel taylor
3. slow dancing in a burning room-john mayer
4. the resolution-jack's mannequin
5. say hey (i love you)-michael franti & spearhead
6. homebird-foy vance
7. judy in disguise (with glasses)-john fred and his playboy band
8. after tonight-justin nozuka
9. angels on the moon-thriving ivory
10. sometime around midnight-the airborne toxic event
11. you make my dreams-hall & oats
12. la vie en rose-louis armstrong
13. world spins madly on-the weepies
14. blue & white-beth waters
15. fix you-coldplay
16. doubting thomas-nickel creek
17. chasing pirates-norah jones
18. crush-the dave matthews band
19. trouble-cat stevens
20. thunder-boys like girls

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Cold Nostalgia Chills Me To The Bone

It has been one of those days. I know that it's only the second post, but I'm just going to go right into it.

I've been told that it's because I'm ADD that I get like this. But I fall into these moods where I want nothing more than to be by myself, and left to my own thoughts. Which, as I have discovered, can be dangerous. I hate these nasty sentimental times where I just want to remember. Problem with that is: remembering hurts too much.

So I move on.

And then I get like this again. It's a vicious and endless cycle.

I think that my issue is that I think too much. A redundant sentence, I know. I can't help it. Basically I spend too much time in my own head. Trying to figure something out. Or remember why something happened. I need to take my own advice sometime and pull a John Lennon. "Let it be."

Someone save me from this. Please?

Well, since Prince Charming couldn't make it, I'll continue on about the summer. It'll distract me.

SOO. I'd pretty much lost faith in the human race, or at least just those going through puberty and the teenage years, until this summer. I'm at a high school with a very small number of mormons. And those that go there don't really talk to me unless they have to, at least at school. I run in the theatre crowd, they are sport jocks. You catch my drift. But both Girls Camp and Youth Conference have caused me to rethink that idea. There were so many girls at Greenbriar that I loved to hang out with because we had so much in common! And I could randomly bring up in any conversation: "So what do you think the Celestial Kingdom is going to be like?" And they would know what I was talking about. It was awesome :)

Youth Conference was the same thing. I'd grown up thinking that having an intelligent conversation with a guy was a one in a million thing. But I found so many people that I could talk to effortlessly. It was phenomenal. One thing that I will always remember though, is something that Brenton said. It was right after the women's pull, and we were talking about how glad we were to get up the hill. He said, "That was harder than having to pull it ourselves. It's hard to just walk besides you guys, because we want to help so bad!"

I think the reason I remember that is because I hadn't ever met a guy that actually cared. Sad, I know. But they just don't come like that at Broad Run. It amazed me that there was an actual guy like that. Then I met so many more like him in that way. And it gave me hope. There are people out there that share my ideals and more. Thank you to those people, you know who you are. You've helped me more than you know.


Monday, July 26, 2010

Make it so Number One

Summer 2010, best summer.

You always hear the stories about the "summer before senior year" whether its in a movie, cheesy romance novel, or song by Don Henley, Kid Rock, or whoever. But this summer was different.

I met some absolutely amazing people and went to both Girls Camp AND Youth Conference (long story about why I've hardly ever been able to do both). The two activities gave me a new perspective and I emerged ever more confident in myself because of it. And for that, I am grateful.

I've been to a family reunion where I got to give all the women henna(: It was a new experience for them. And went boating, swimming, and got to go into an awesome Bass Pro Shop.

Finally, for the past few weeks I've been camping with my family in some beautiful parts of America. Which was so incredibly fun! Despite the HOURS we spent in the car (6 people plus 2 dogs).

This summer has helped me realize some things. And change future plans. For example: my mom and I were going to backpack across Europe (specifically: Italy) for my graduation present. Now we've changed it. We're thinking that instead we're going to outfit me with my own kayak, tent, backpack, stove, etc. That way I can go off on my own in college.

While I was on my trip, I read some poetry (selections from NPR's All Things Considered) and found a line in one of Naomi Shihab Nye's that I love!

Everything we have learned so far,
skins alive and ripening, on a day
that was real to us, that was summer,
motion going out, and memory coming in.

And that concludes my initial post. In hopes of more to follow!