Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Growing Up, Child

"Growing up, child, is just a matter of time. Forgiven all you've got so won't you dance under the sun?"

I feel like I've grown up too quickly sometimes. These past few weeks, it is like I've completely forgotten how to have fun. I've been completely absorbed in myself. That means that I don't want to do anything, schoolwork has been a huge challenge to accomplish, and I just want to sit, think, and listen to music. I haven't been able to focus. It is almost like my brain is tired. It just does not want to work anymore. I can hear it, "Nope, you can't make me!"

Relating to people has been difficult too. I"ve been so lost in my thoughts that I'll zone out halfway through what someone else is saying. I try to focus, really I do!! But I get completely turned around in my own head. Everything seems to come in waves. The ebb and flow is mesmerizing on that cosmic and internal plane. I feel my soul as it swells and washes over my consciousness and then flows away and I feel empty and cold. But when it is there I feel restored and like myself. But then the tide comes again and back I go. Like a turtle into my shell.

Why am I like this? Who knows. I haven't really thought about it hard enough to have an answer. It has been so long since I've felt this way that I kind of like it. There is a feeling of sadness and melancholy that makes it seem as though my soul just settles into a little clump at the bottom of my stomach, pulls up it's comforter, and hunkers down with a cup of tea and a good book. Because it does that, it makes it so that it is all that I want to do.

But I can't. There are so many things to accomplish. I need to get going on my new job, my old job, and the other potential job. I need to pull my grades up. I need to get my homework done on time. I need to read my scriptures. I need to eat. I need to serve. There are so many different things on my mind, I just want to curl up in a hole and not talk to anyone. Read a book, listen to the rain, and just worry about me again. Let the feelings wash over me and then go away. I'm kind of done feeling for a little while.

But this is all probably because I'm tired and stressed. So these feelings might not even be real. Comforting, right?.../

I have a friend who I really look up to who came out here and we've been hanging out. I love talking with her because she really centers me. She reminds me that it is okay to be me because I haven't been so sure recently. We talked about everything and she's still here for a day or so which means we'll hang out some more. But she is so sure of herself, it makes me want to be as well. I can be strong, sure, and unique. There is some way to do it. I know it. Legit, she is pretty much the coolest person I know and I am SO glad she came out here!

This week... man. It has been so long. It's only Tuesday. But, I know this is one of those weeks where I"ll look back on it and see how fast it has gone. Can't wait for that! I'm stuck in that ebb and flow of apathy and grayness and it is starting to take a toll on my mind. It's getting to that point where I'm focusing on what I don't have. Which can't happen. I need to focus on what I am grateful for. I can't keep thinking about how beautiful everyone else is, how secure everyone else is, how carefree some people have it, how together everyone is. While I'm the opposite of all those things right now. Not beautiful, not secure in life, not as carefree as I'd like to be, and how alone I can feel sometimes. But, everyone feels like that at some point. Or at least I like to think so. Its been a dark blue week. "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?"

I keep wondering what to write, but I feel like I'd regret a lot of things. If you want to know, just ask me and I might tell you. But if you don't want to talk to me, that is fine to. I don't blame you.

Issalamu aleekum.

Let the moon softly restore you by night, the sun restore you by day, and let the wind play with your hair. Find that peace and be happy.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Wednesday in a Cafe

Finished registering for classes. Just had a debate with my roommate about the usefulness of my degree. Usually I'm okay when people ask about it, I mean I knew it was something that I was going to get asked. But for some reason it was different tonight. Her opinion means a lot to me and she seemed to be totally okay with it before. But tonight she was just like, "Why bother getting a degree in something that is useless?" Specifically it was my minor. I am a philosophy major, international development minor. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. All I want to do is travel. I might even get a double minor in arabic or something. I know I'll have to go do more schooling afterwards, so I figured that I'd study something that I actually liked. I'm not trying to validate my choices, I know why I've made them. I'm just reasoning some things out.

Right now I've got some slow music on and going. That is how it's been this whole week. Slow, soft, and sad. Who knows why, but that is how it has been. All I've wanted to do is curl up with a cup of tea in sweatpants to read a book while sitting next to the window so that the cool breeze blows over me. I want to leave behind all kinds of responsibilities and due dates. To forget everything for a little while would be absolutely glorious. My stomach drops at the sheer pleasure of that situation. But, sadly, we live in reality and cannot do that. Why do we have to do silly things like grow up? I guess that is what weekends are for. Saturday, let's hurry this up.

I need to make it up to the temple sometime soon. I'm having some serious difficulty getting my mind to calm down. It's almost as though it likes being tied up in knots of worry. I'm seeing it start to affect my body, I'm tense everywhere. This cannot happen and needs to end. Maybe I'll head up to the temple tomorrow... Nothing sounds better than the warmth of the temple and those warm jumpsuits when they are still hot from the dryer. The feeling of home and comfort is overwhelming. That is something that needs to happen ASAP. Mind, calm down. Please?

I realized one of the reasons that I love snow. But it'll have to wait until I'm able to express it. I just tried to write about it, and for some reason the thoughts just were not flowing. I'll think about it some more and get back to you then.

Tonight I was interviewed by this random person in my ward. She needed someone to interview that she did not know and I said that I could help. I didn't know that it was going to be a therapy session. She is training to be a social worker and this is for her interview skills class. I had to fill out a questionairre before and after the session and it was being recorded so that her class could watch it. It was perhaps the most awkward thing I have ever done. I could relax. Dumb. She kept asking me about my life and stuff. She didn't know arabic was a language. When she asked if anything was getting me down, I thought I'd finally be able to talk and have someone really listen. Nope. She played with her nice, shiny engagement ring and fiddled with her fingers. I didn't want to say random stuff and have her not listen... I mean seriously. I have been waiting for someone to ask me how I'm doing. But this whole week, it hasn't happened. Not really. People ask the generic question. I have been waiting for the question with emphasis. How are you doing, really? But it hasn't come. That is probably best. No one needs to hear my pathetic rantings. I don't think I could listen to myself. Yeah, life is difficult and all blah blah blah blah. .. Why does this happen? I know that my issues aren't a big deal and those that are, I can't do anything about them! I'm trying to find another job, but it really isn't working well. That is completely out of my hands right now. I have done what I can.

My mom keeps asking me about my other job, and I won't give you details because it is kind of pathetic. But every time she asks, it is like a little part of me dies. A part of me has failed every time she asks me about it. There is always that part of me that hasn't lived up to what it should have. It is embarrassing. I say that I have done the best that I can, but I know that I can do better. I can push myself farther. It is just so difficult to remember that in the moment. There are so many things that I could be doing better. But I can't think about that!

Too often I think about that and not about what I'm doing right. This week has been especially bad. I keep putting up this false happiness, well it is not completely false it is just forced until it sticks, and I haven't allowed myself to express my full feelings. I have let it get all bottled up inside and I think that is why I feel sometimes like I'm about to explode if I don't express them in full right then. But I can't. That is not socially acceptable.

Also, I live in fear that my feelings are not justified. My fears, my irritation, my stress. I don't want it to be one-upped by anyone. I know that there are people out there that have it harder than I do, I just like to wallow sometimes. But I can't do that. That leads to things like this week where I've listened to T-Swift and sad Michael Buble songs for various reasons. I need to accept what I'm feeling and move on. Let it become a part of me instead of something that I need to get over. I can progress so much quicker when I accept things.

Mary May and Bobby plus Rainymood makes me feel so peaceful right now.

Do you sometimes want to cry because something is so beautiful and you don't know what makes it that way? I get that like right now listening to the music and the rain with the cool breeze on my ankles. When I look at the snow falling. When I see the lights of cars and street lights reflected in the puddles on the pavement. When I look up and I see the stars and the moon. When I see a look between two people who love each other. When I see an awkward couple fumbling as they try to hold hands. When I see a single leaf fall from a tree and sway on the wind before finally resting on the ground. These moments are what make life so beautiful. Everyone sees them differently, each moment in itself is different, and therefore no one can ever experience the same exact thing. We can try to explain it, but you had to be there. Humanity can be so imperfect sometimes, but isn't that what makes it perfect?

In philosophy we were discussing Plato's theory of essences. (What Republic is about). Plato believed that there was no such thing as ugly. Humans created the idea of something being ugly. When something was not beautiful in the scientific sense, it was simply not participating in the essence of beauty. It was participating in anti-beauty in a way. Each essence was perfect, by nature. Therefore, the essence of anti-beauty was perfect therefore anything that wasn't beautiful was still perfect in some sense. While that argument does have many logical flaws, I think that it applies perfectly to the situations and moments that I mentioned. They are fleeting and they are imperfect, but that is what makes them perfect. They are participating in an essence of some sort and that makes them perfect in a completely unique sense.

Sometimes I forget what it is like to sit back and become myself again. I haven't changed. I haven't put on a mask. But I have allowed myself to become so full of worry, stress, and anxiety that I haven't drained that and become me again. That has overwhelmed my thoughts for the past while and it needs to end. I need to remember the law of attraction. Be peaceful and you will attract peace. A part of me likes the stress because I can become lost in it. Through stress I lose my feeling, my sensitivity, my reality. It is almost like going into a dream, where the things that really matter don't worry you. Stress makes me focus on the things that don't matter instead of the things that do because sometimes it wants to cope that way. It can be too hard to deal with what I'm actually thinking, feeling, or doing so I change and focus on dumb small things like my physics homework or that arabic drill that suddenly became the most important thing on my to do list. It shouldn't be. I need to focus on me. Focus on life. Focus on the breath that restores me. I need to stop and pay attention to the height of the trees on campus and ponder on how long they have been there and how much they've seen. Who cares if I step in a puddle if I find a small part of me through looking up? I certainly don't.

Wow. I feel like Emily again. I've missed that feeling. This whole week I've been feeling about where I did when I wrote my last post. I've written a couple of things and none of them sounded like me. They were angry, callous, and rash. And I feel like they might have hurt someone close to me. There are so many things I wanted to say, but never got the chance to. The odds of you reading this, even this far, are slim to none. So I won't dwell on this. I shouldn't dwell on it.

Be truthful as you go about this Friday. Be honest in your intentions with everyone. Start with yourself. Wake up and be honest with yourself. Be honest in your prayers. Be ready to act on whatever the Lord gives you as instruction that day. Then go and be honest with your fellow man. Then you will find how happy it is and how much more you learn.

سلام عليكم
"Peace be unto you"

PS. Word of the day is Petrichor. It is the word that describes the smell of a fresh rain.

Monday, October 22, 2012

She's My Kind of Rain

Please do not read this post. This one is completely self-indulgent. If I don't write tonight, I'm going to keep thinking. And I can't have that. I have a physics test tomorrow and I need to focus.

Tonight my ward had this great fireside about "Dating and Courtship". I was afraid that this was going to be just like every other lesson about marriage and dating. Which meant it was going to suck. But it was the complete opposite. Our bishopric talked about how they met their spouses and about how they dating and stuff. I figured a bunch of stuff out. I know what I want in the future. I want what they had. It was obvious to everyone that they adored each other. Completely and totally. A few of them said that there was no doubt in their minds who they were meant to end up with. My bishop's wife said that they were soul mates. That is what I want. I thought it was so beautiful!

Their relationships were founded on love, respect, and the gospel. They didn't care what they looked like or anything. Well, they did to an extend because, as one wife put it, "you want to make kids with them". So they were physically attracted to the other in some way. But they cared so much deeper than that. It was so true. Their words really hit me.

I'll probably write more about this later as I think about it more. Bishop's wife said something too about having a life. She said that having a life makes you so much more attractive. Go out and perfect your talents. Be a good student. Learn things. That is what I'm out there doing. I'm out there having a life. I just need to remember to be alive every once in a while.

So the past couple of days haven't been my best. At all. I wrote a less than flattering post about everything, but chose not to post it. It was just too bad. And that kind of a attention was not deserved. So, I'll just add a couple of things in right here. Doubt that you'll read it though.

I feel incredibly stupid.

If only you understood how big a deal everything was to me. But you really do not know me at all. Knowing me better though will probably not do anything. If anything, it will scare you away. My past is a bit scary. But I never had the chance to tell you. I actually thought that I would take a chance on this. I had been standing on a cliff, enjoying the view, the thrill of the height, and the sun on my face. You had already jumped off the cliff in your base jumping suit. You called out to me to join you. I didn't want to. I liked where I was. I had a little of the danger, I could still see you, and everything was great. Then I realized that I did want to join you. So I took all the courage I could muster, scrounging for every last shred that I had, and I backed up a little bit and then I started to run. You waited until the moment when my feet left the ground to fly past me on a hangglider when all I had was a parachute. You soar up while I plummet to the ground. I hadn't even realized that you hadn't fallen far at all before the hangglider brought you back up. There was nothing I could do but fall, fall, fall.

That is kind of how I feel. I thought, "Why not give the benefit of the doubt? Everyone else doesn't know what they are talking about. This will be different, I'm sure of it." But something gives me the feeling that it wasn't. Not for you, anyways. I've become a number. A statistic in your weird history. Actually, I probably haven't. I wasn't memorable at all and I don't fit in with dating or kissing. So I'm just a faceless name. Sorry, I know that is a tad bit melodramatic. But these are the things that go through my head as I head towards the ground with my little parachute. I've forgotten though what it was like to feel. So thank you.

I tried to tell you all of this, so you probably already know it. But if you didn't realize it, here it is. That is how I feel right now. If you actually took a second to listen to what I say, instead of paying so much attention to what I do, then you might have gotten it. But it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't feel like you want to be with me. For whatever reason. Maybe its because you just weren't getting what you want. So you move on. If that is the case, sorry but that's a tad bit ironic, don't you think? Just think about that one. Maybe its because I was just too weird. Kay, I accept that response. Because I am. Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? I will also accept that one. My bishop's wife tonight said that it is important to realize what you have and what you don't. I know what I do and what I don't and I'm okay with that. I was given what I was given or not given for a reason. Any of those would have been good. But you didn't give me one of those, did you? Nope. You think I'm not natural. Yeah, that's legit. Maybe its even because you like some other girl. Again, I'm good with that. What ticked me off a huge amount was that you felt the need to not tell me for a while and when you did it was over text... Makes me feel like we're in middle school or something again. Really, I would have been fine if you'd told me to my face and not acted like there was something sneaky about it. That is really why I reacted this way. Honestly, it is.

I don't compare myself to other girls as much as I used to, so I don't know where I fall when compared to them. So sorry if I fell short.

But I am alive. That is all that I want. To live in the moment. And I have and I will. There are too many things to do in my life to spend time dwelling on stuff like this. You were creating drama, and "I just can't handle that". I absolutely despise drama.

I am a free spirit. Unshackled and untethered. Again my soul is able to fly up into the aether. I am not mad anymore. Anger is a secondary emotion. I was hurt. Still am. But the exhilaration of possibility and being alive completely trumps that. Anger no longer exists in my mind about this. I've pushed that away. I need to catch some sleep because this week is going to be crazy. But it will all be okay and I'm so excited to see what life has in store for me. You know that anticipation before a plane takes off? That feeling where your heart starts pumping and you remember that you are actually going somewhere? That is what I am feeling right now. It could just be because I took my medicine late today and so my heart rate is still elevated, but I highly doubt it.

Dear Life, I am ready for what you have in store.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Son of a Preacher Man

Dear stars, release my soul from this cage. Tonight is one of those nights when you just want to cry for no reason. And every reason. And nothing again. All I want to do is blast some Bob Dylan and Neil Young. That is how you know it is bad.

But life is great, there is no reason to feel this way. I just think that this is what happens when all the stress builds and builds until your back breaks and it falls around you and you realize just how much there was.
All I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball and watch Harold&Maude. Which I probably will do. Make myself a cup of warm milk and watch it. That sounds like as close to heaven as I can get right now.

I just lost all motivation to finish the post with the prospect of an 80s cult film.... All I wanted to say was that music is a salve for the soul. Playing guitar, listening to music, singing (no matter how bad it is) all makes things turn up.

What I need to do is take a big breath and remember that it will all be okay. Because it will be. I know it!

But really everything is okay. It is great actually! Everyone has those times where they fall apart for a moment or two, but in no time at all they are back to the way they were. I am not depressed, I simply took these past few days to feel exquisitely human.

Monday, October 15, 2012


Goooooooood eeeveningg.

Fall is here, hear the yell. Autumn is approaching and it feels amazing. Everything is cooling off, the mountains have a trace of snow, and the air just smells better. It is almost as if when fall hits, everything becomes in high definition and crisper.

My friend recently put up a post about all the things she loves about autumn and life and I think I might do the same. SO

  1. The crunch of leaves
  2. Cuddling
  3. Chapstick
  4. The smell of oranges and cloves
  5. A hot mug
  6. Red noses
  7. A cold breeze
  8. The lightness of feeling in the air
  9. Camping, and everything about it.
  10. Tea
  11. The rain

The list goes on and on. I couldn't find anything better to describe it than these pictures.

Now, I need to find an answer to the question "What do I want?". I know that there is an answer, but I don't think that it is what you are thinking of. Hmm.. what do I want? It doesn't come in a box. Nothing I ever truly want does, not since I was 12, and even then it didn't really. I have never been tied to material things like that, it just isn't something that I've ever had to deal with. I want to live. I want to be alive, to experience the beauty of breathing and living and experiencing everything that I possibly can. Today in relief society we talked about what our passions were, and the only thing that came to my mind was to live. I do not want to let a single experience pass me by that would allow me to truly live. To feel human, to feel pain, to feel joy, to laugh loudly, and cry hard. To be left breathless by a run or a moment and to never miss a change to feel the ground underneath me or the sun and rain on my face. That is what I want, above all else. That is my passion.

I want to travel. That fits in with that one, and it is not something that I want anyone to give me. Ever. It is something that I have to work and slave over on my own otherwise I won't appreciate it as much. I have to travel on my own terms and do what I need to do, and that is just the way it is. That is a me thing and that is something that I do not want to change because it is such an integral part of who I am and who I want to become.

Another very important thing is that I want to be myself. I say things that you do not like, act in ways that confuse you, and say things just for the sake of them being said. It is weird, I know. I get it. But I want to be able to be completely myself around someone, around you, and not worry about how you are going to take what I say. If something I say confuses you, just ask what I meant. If something is bothering you, just talk about it. I am not the kind of person who likes to beat around the bush like that, just talk straight. And right now I can, and that is good.

These are just some other random things that I want: to shave my head, to go to a random funeral (like Maude), write a book, go skinnydipping, and do yoga on the beach. These are all things that I want at some point, I just have to get there. I feel so immature sometimes because in Relief Society, there were people saying things like "be a mom", "be the favorite science teacher", etc. I have not reached that point. They are all good things, but I'm still a reckless youth. I crave freedom in every form. 

Is that what you thought it would be? Probably not. Actually, you probably think that those were really lame answers based on all the hype. You thought that you would find out what I want in a relationship...well. Hm. Honesty. Comfort. Fun. And no stress, because right now I am not stressing about anything. So calm down. Now you know what I want. And I do not want all of those things now. Where is the fun in that? Instant gratification is highly overrated and does not lead to anything lasting, typically. Just take comfort in knowing that I am comfortable getting as close as we have, because I definitely do not do that with just anybody. Especially getting as actually close in proximity as we did. Keep that in mind, and do not stress.

Everyone, have a lovely beginning to your week. Make yourself a hot beverage, walk to class, feel scholarly. Carry on.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

We Could Live Out By the Sea

I cannot believe that I have never called a post after one of the sweetest songs: Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. I'll stick it right here so that you can listen to it as you read this.

This song is completely and utterly brilliant. Enjoy.

Can we just take a minute and appreciate how incredible it would be to 'live out by the sea'? Waking up to the smell of sea salt, sand, and sun. That sounds like paradise. There is something so timeless about beaches, something that makes it seem as though anything that you think and feel is instantly preserved forever in the salt. One of my dreams is to live in a beach house somewhere in the Carolinas. Not one of those vacation homes, but an actual house. One that is maybe a blue or yellow but is faded because of the effect of blowing sand and salt corrosion with driftwood. Lighthouses are a favorite of mine as well, so that adds to the draw.

I have started this part of the post about five times now...I never can seem to say the right thing. It is as though my mind knows exactly what it wants to say and when I try to say something else, it just shuts me down. When that happens, I cannot think anymore about what I want to say, I start writing stuff that I think that people want to hear. And sometimes those are the same and sometimes they aren't. This is one night when they aren't quite the same.

There was this poem that I read recently that I wanted to add..but it was really long. So that didn't happen. But there was a line in it, " lead you to an overwhelming question...". That reminded me of my favorite movie, A Room With A View. If you have never seen it, then that needs to change. ASAP. Anyways, there is this character in it who gets up in a tree and shouts his creed. "Joy! Beauty! Love!" And his father simply says that he is "Declaring the eternal yes". That is what I feel like sometimes. There are those times when you feel as though all of your feelings bubble up inside of you and you simply want to explode and shout things like George and proclaim the Eternal Yes!

In other news, I'm rereading a book that I love and it is making me want to cry all the time. Rob Sheffield is a genius and if I can have the smallest bit of what he writes..then my life will be a success. I just finished reading about all the different kinds of mix tapes that there are, which made me think about all the mix tapes that I've ever made and received. And there are many. It also made me think about all the mix tapes that I will make in the future for people and for myself.
"I have built my entire life around loving music, and I surround myself with it. I'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. But I never stop playing my mixes. Every fan makes them. The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with--nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they add up to the story of a life."
That is absolutely perfect. So now I'm onto the part when he tells Renee that he has a crush on her, and seriously the whole scene makes me giddy. I'm picturing this 6'4" lanky irishman talking to this robust southern gal and he tells her that he likes her. It's the memory that he has when he listens to Big Star. And I love it. The way he describes her makes me wish that was me, every time I read this book it is the same. They had an Up kind of love, take a look at this quote.
Girls take up a lot of room. I had a lot of room for this one.
GAH. I love that!

One of the most perfect things in life is coming across something that you used to love, and realizing that it is just as cool as it was back then. This is one of those things. It is still so perfect, so applicable, and so heart-wrenchingly truthful that you cannot help but love it every single time.

  Well, that's all for now folks. Stay tuned for an update on the next big adventure, or the next big revelation, or the next little thing that I thought was funny but no one else did. (My friend and I were talking about how we like to laugh randomly because we think funny thoughts. People say things like 'that wasn't very funny' or something like that and then I (or she) says "that wasn't for you" or something. That hardly made any sense...but again...that was for me!)

Oh. And:

P.S. I talked to this weird kid on the phone today...and he told some pretty dang funny stories. Oh, and he likes to tell things how they are which is AWESOME.

That is all. Good night!

P.P.S. Brain vomit=uncensored rambling. I don't think about it.