Monday, April 30, 2012

Meet Virginia

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: That last post royally sucked. My sincerest apologies. That last post sounded nothing like myself. It was bitter and cruel and I blame it on the sleep deprivation and the traveling. I was a tad bit angry at the world, specifically inhabitants of the world that are members of the opposite sex. Hence the biting words and sharp remarks. SO this will be much more me, I hope.

While on the public service announcement strain, Jacob you failed to address my brilliance in your post about people at college. Not a mention of a hipster anywhere. #disappointed.

Okay, well that settles it. Never doing hashmarks. Ever. Again.

Moving on.

Life is absolutely and utterly stupendous. I just got out of a steaming hot bath where I read one of my favorite books of all time (it was also a movie that has become a cult favorite from the eighties) and sipped on some peppermint tea. Right before that I made a homemade skin mask and ate some Toblerone. Completely fantastic. Plus, it has been nice out. Not too hot and not too cold. Maybe a little rainy, but not too shabby Virginia! I've been able to go out and hit the trails for some fun.

Along with all of that, I've gotten my first paycheck. Not the very first, don't you worry. But I recently received my first paycheck from my new job. I now work at an Indian restaurant. I'm a waitress and I am loving it! Seriously, I am convinced that I have the best job ever. I am the only caucasian american there. Three of the staff are from India, three from Nepal, one from Honduras, and one from Singapore. And only 4 of them speak English with any sort of skill (as in putting words in a logical order). It is one of the best things because I get to bring home various curries with naan and also I get to be with people. And people, may I add, are hysterical. Not just the people I work with, but the customers now. But one of my coworkers said the other day (as he went to go grab some rice for a customer) "I will be back in a stone's throw!" Now, I understand what you were trying to say, it just did not come out the way I think you meant it to...

Another great quote is to this man that has been dubbed "the most interesting man you will ever meet". I told him that I knew how to do this one task and to not worry, and in his thick Indian accent he replied "I will not." I almost died. I'm thinking in Indian accents now. It makes it very difficult to sing hymns in church because somehow I lose the spirit as I picture "While of These Emblems We Partake" in a bollywood sort of setting. Not sure how that happens...

I also want to talk a little bit about what I wrote about in that last, horrible post. So, that is a lie about all that crap about knowing people and shiz. Alright, it is true that I don't open up to people. I just don't. Unless...well there is no unless yet because there is no exception to that really. When there is, I'll let you know. But if you know even a little bit about me, then that means I think you're cool. If you know more than just a little bit about me, then we're definitely friends. I trust you then. Don't go throwing that away. I don't just throw things like that away and it is something that takes effort on my part. The whole extending of my life to you. Embrace it. And if you do so, I thank you. You shall be greatly rewarded...I'll think of something.

Well, my mind is shutting down at an alarmingly fast rate so I bid you farewell before anything bad happens. Adieu

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

On the highway of regrets

The rest of that line goes like this: though winds of change are throwing wild and free, you ain't see nothin' like me yet. I'm not regretting anything right now, quite the opposite. But the winds of change blow me right down that road and onwards past 'regrets' to the 'not yets'.

Dear rain, help me write this. I keep starting it wrong, but maybe I'll get it right with the rain's help. Where am I supposed to go with this?

A thought that I wanted to get down a little while ago (being Saturday), was that there is no better feeling than knowing you are becoming the person that you have always wanted to be. That was me on Saturday. The whole week had been building up to it I guess, but the plane ride had made it all sink it. I was sitting on the plane to Denver and I had an Outside Magazine and a travel magazine in my hand and then my one suitcase in the other. I smelled like fire and my hair was crazy. I thought, "This is exactly where I want to be." There have been times in my life where I haven't liked where I've been. But that wasn't one of those times. That week I had finished finals, packed, gone up to a friends cabin, jumped in a lake covered in ice, hiked, stayed up for almost 40 hours, had a couple of bonfires, watched the stars with some of my favorite people, and I had not completely broken down into a sobbing ball of emotional wreckage. Success! I can honestly say that it was one of the best weeks ever. And looking back on it, I was really pretty proud.

Something else that really did make my week came out of conversations that were had with various people about first impressions and final thoughts before we all left. I heard some things about me that really made me feel amazing. "Grounded", "down-to-earth", "the next gandhi", "grandmother willow", etc. were some of the ways that I was described. There were a couple of people that told me to send them postcards of all the places that I visit while they are gone. Most of the girls were instructed to send out wedding invitations. But for me it was travel photographs and postcards! There is nothing that I would want more. I am becoming like those people that I look up to, I am becoming the person that I have read about, I am becoming someone that I would want to emulate. I am becoming someone to be proud of. I am becoming me. And that is so incredible to me.

My soul is finding a place worthy of itself.

WARNING. I am feeling like this will be a long night. I'll try to break it up, but I have a feeling that this will be a really long entry. Endure or don't. It doesn't matter to me. But you'll be getting a lot of honesty and brain leakage on the rest of this post. Most likely, this will turn out slightly embarrassing on my part, but really, do I care? Nope!

Let the slaughter begin.

Okay. Let us cover one topic really quick. I do not let people in. As they say in one of my favorite movies, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But mine are more like steel-reinforced security doors with a combination that has yet to be cracked. I am a lone reed. And I am happy that way. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am lonely. I've really opened up to one person, and that is one of my best friends in the world and she is the exact same way that I am. We understand each other and are basically kindred spirits. Have there been guys that I've opened up to? I can count two. And I can almost guarantee that if you are reading this, it is not you. Although ... it might be. Not entirely sure.

I don't open up. That is the point of that little schpeel. You have to ask questions. You have to dig. You have to actually care about the answers to get ones that I care about. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me" if I don't think that you're worthy. In order to get to that point, you have to hang in for quite a ways. Either that, or know what to ask and how to do so. But let me clue you in on a little secret of mine...I know how to get people to feel comfortable enough to open up while I am able to stay nice and comfortable in my triple layer steel safe. I love to hear about other people. I love to get them to be honest and real with me. That is the only way that I can really interact with them. But they don't always notice that I haven't talked about myself. There are plenty of those people who never ask questions. Sometimes I'll be open to stuff, but they'll shut me down so fast because I'll start talking and they interrupt with something completely irrelevant. Yep, not listening. Usually they'll apologize for being to vague and stuff. "I'm sorry that I was so vague about this but...." And then I hear the reason. The thing is, I don't know why you are apologizing. I was vague. Did I touch on ANY specifics?! Noooooope. Do you know anything about my life?! No. Then what are you apologizing for? Stop. When you actually get to know me and care about me, yeah okay then apologize. But I won't let you close until you let me close and I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Those people are few and far between because human nature is fickle and changing. People have so many different motives that they cannot be trusted. And yet man is so beautiful. We are, ourselves, walking contradictions.

I've spent the last little while uploading tracks on if you want to check them out here. Enjoy some of the stuff I've got up.

I keep starting stuff but ending it because it doesn't feel like it is what I need to write. I want to write about last year, but some of it I just want to write for shock value. Which is never a good reason to write something. I've got a book that I'm actually working on, message me if you want to hear more about it.... But I might go and write a bit in that. Either that or read a book. I have time to read now! Crazy, I know. But I've got so much time that I don't know what to do with it. I'll go work out tomorrow and I'll become an active girl over this summer. I'll work out and I'll be outside everyday if I can. I need to move, need work, I need a place to just do something because if I don't then I think I'll go crazy. I've written what I need to for this post. But trust me, I'll be back soon enough with some good material.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Send Me the Moon

It is one in the morning and my mind could not be racing any faster. Tonight appears to be just one of those nights where I feel like I have downed the energizer bunny, but I haven't had anything that should make me this way. Dearest Adele, tonight you speak the words that I wish I could. "One and Only" is kind of my jam right now, and not for the reasons you're thinking of. It is because this girl in my voice class from Zimbabwe sang it yesterday for her final and she rocked it. Soul and all, she had it. I loved it and I've been listening to it since. I want to post all the lyrics, but I feel like that would be a tad bit obnoxious. Favorite line for some reason:

You never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine.

Honestly, if I was ever in a relationship (crazy, I know.) I would be the one who has to forgive their past. I was talking about this with a friend the other night while we were sitting up in a tree. We talked about their life and then we talked about mine. I realized through the course of the discussion that I am super afraid of commitment. Surprise! Didn't see that one coming. But I never really realized why. It is because I have never really felt worthy of anything like that from anyone. I am sure that you have never felt that because if you are reading this blog, you are automatically beautiful/handsome and an 11ty hundred on a cool factor scale of one to ten.

I realized that I just never feel good enough for anyone to be interested in me. Whenever someone is, I am always surprised because I just don't see it. I'm interesting to me and that is all that I need. I have never allowed myself to become dependent in anyway on another human being. Except my parents. I just cannot bring myself to open up and unload on someone. Part of the reason I think is because no one has ever given me the chance. When one person did, I shot that gift horse in the mouth and now they are just "somebody that I used to know". I can have people unload to me, and quite honestly I love it when they do. I love seeing a side of a person that is so incredibly and elementally themselves. When they talk about things deeper than school and such, I get to see who they are when they are alone. Who they are when they pray. Who they are in the raw core. The raw and pure element that makes up their character is exposed and I get to see it for what it truly is. Which is beautiful to me.

I just don't give other people that opportunity to get to know me. Okay, there was one time that I tried but I don't know why I did. That is a situation that is still partially confusing. I think of the people in my ward and they all have little bits of Emily Truth. They each have a piece of the proverbial thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. Cheesy, but it gets the job done.

The other night I was sitting on the fire escape and writing. Sometimes I just get this driving need to write down my silly incandescent thoughts and that was one of those nights. The way that the moon was hung among the freckled stars was just absolutely breathtaking. Especially because the moon was in the middle of the sky and the light from it lit up a cloud behind the mountain and created this beautiful, purple image. But I was sitting there and writing and I just wanted someone, almost anyone, to come and interrupt me and see me in my pure form. Times like that I let down all walls and become me. Completely who I am inside. Not many people know that. Many of those thoughts end up on here and so if you read this, you have some idea. Treasure it well because I don't give it to many people.

Anyways, going back to the beginning of the stream of consciousness...I just never think that it could be me. There is no way that I could be the person that you think about more than others. I'm not saying that I'm the one you fall asleep thinking of or anything like that. But just the fact that someone thinks of me is weird. I can't believe it. Partly because it isn't true. But also because I just can't see why. There are so many prettier, skinnier, smarter, curvier, musical, and religious girls out there that I could not be picked because I am not great in any sense of the word. Please, don't think that I am beating down on myself. I have a great reserve of self confidence. I love who I am. It is just hard to see that someone else would.

I am so tired right now, it is crazy. This is going to be an insane week. I'll try to post some more over this next week. I'm sure that I will because I'll want a distraction from finals. I've already packed a bit and so now I just have to study...YES.

Have a loverly night. Peace and Blessings. See you soon. And I'll leave you with this wonderful song and an equally wonderful video.