Tuesday, April 24, 2012

On the highway of regrets

The rest of that line goes like this: though winds of change are throwing wild and free, you ain't see nothin' like me yet. I'm not regretting anything right now, quite the opposite. But the winds of change blow me right down that road and onwards past 'regrets' to the 'not yets'.

Dear rain, help me write this. I keep starting it wrong, but maybe I'll get it right with the rain's help. Where am I supposed to go with this?

A thought that I wanted to get down a little while ago (being Saturday), was that there is no better feeling than knowing you are becoming the person that you have always wanted to be. That was me on Saturday. The whole week had been building up to it I guess, but the plane ride had made it all sink it. I was sitting on the plane to Denver and I had an Outside Magazine and a travel magazine in my hand and then my one suitcase in the other. I smelled like fire and my hair was crazy. I thought, "This is exactly where I want to be." There have been times in my life where I haven't liked where I've been. But that wasn't one of those times. That week I had finished finals, packed, gone up to a friends cabin, jumped in a lake covered in ice, hiked, stayed up for almost 40 hours, had a couple of bonfires, watched the stars with some of my favorite people, and I had not completely broken down into a sobbing ball of emotional wreckage. Success! I can honestly say that it was one of the best weeks ever. And looking back on it, I was really pretty proud.

Something else that really did make my week came out of conversations that were had with various people about first impressions and final thoughts before we all left. I heard some things about me that really made me feel amazing. "Grounded", "down-to-earth", "the next gandhi", "grandmother willow", etc. were some of the ways that I was described. There were a couple of people that told me to send them postcards of all the places that I visit while they are gone. Most of the girls were instructed to send out wedding invitations. But for me it was travel photographs and postcards! There is nothing that I would want more. I am becoming like those people that I look up to, I am becoming the person that I have read about, I am becoming someone that I would want to emulate. I am becoming someone to be proud of. I am becoming me. And that is so incredible to me.

My soul is finding a place worthy of itself.

WARNING. I am feeling like this will be a long night. I'll try to break it up, but I have a feeling that this will be a really long entry. Endure or don't. It doesn't matter to me. But you'll be getting a lot of honesty and brain leakage on the rest of this post. Most likely, this will turn out slightly embarrassing on my part, but really, do I care? Nope!

Let the slaughter begin.

Okay. Let us cover one topic really quick. I do not let people in. As they say in one of my favorite movies, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But mine are more like steel-reinforced security doors with a combination that has yet to be cracked. I am a lone reed. And I am happy that way. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am lonely. I've really opened up to one person, and that is one of my best friends in the world and she is the exact same way that I am. We understand each other and are basically kindred spirits. Have there been guys that I've opened up to? I can count two. And I can almost guarantee that if you are reading this, it is not you. Although ... it might be. Not entirely sure.

I don't open up. That is the point of that little schpeel. You have to ask questions. You have to dig. You have to actually care about the answers to get ones that I care about. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me" if I don't think that you're worthy. In order to get to that point, you have to hang in for quite a ways. Either that, or know what to ask and how to do so. But let me clue you in on a little secret of mine...I know how to get people to feel comfortable enough to open up while I am able to stay nice and comfortable in my triple layer steel safe. I love to hear about other people. I love to get them to be honest and real with me. That is the only way that I can really interact with them. But they don't always notice that I haven't talked about myself. There are plenty of those people who never ask questions. Sometimes I'll be open to stuff, but they'll shut me down so fast because I'll start talking and they interrupt with something completely irrelevant. Yep, not listening. Usually they'll apologize for being to vague and stuff. "I'm sorry that I was so vague about this but...." And then I hear the reason. The thing is, I don't know why you are apologizing. I was vague. Did I touch on ANY specifics?! Noooooope. Do you know anything about my life?! No. Then what are you apologizing for? Stop. When you actually get to know me and care about me, yeah okay then apologize. But I won't let you close until you let me close and I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Those people are few and far between because human nature is fickle and changing. People have so many different motives that they cannot be trusted. And yet man is so beautiful. We are, ourselves, walking contradictions.

I've spent the last little while uploading tracks on 8Tracks.com if you want to check them out here. Enjoy some of the stuff I've got up.

I keep starting stuff but ending it because it doesn't feel like it is what I need to write. I want to write about last year, but some of it I just want to write for shock value. Which is never a good reason to write something. I've got a book that I'm actually working on, message me if you want to hear more about it.... But I might go and write a bit in that. Either that or read a book. I have time to read now! Crazy, I know. But I've got so much time that I don't know what to do with it. I'll go work out tomorrow and I'll become an active girl over this summer. I'll work out and I'll be outside everyday if I can. I need to move, need work, I need a place to just do something because if I don't then I think I'll go crazy. I've written what I need to for this post. But trust me, I'll be back soon enough with some good material.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if you'll see this anytime soon, or if i'll be here to comment again, but I want to know more about your book! I have no idea you were working on one. Also, you crack me up. And three layer steel safes are pretty nice sometimes.