You never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine.
Honestly, if I was ever in a relationship (crazy, I know.) I would be the one who has to forgive their past. I was talking about this with a friend the other night while we were sitting up in a tree. We talked about their life and then we talked about mine. I realized through the course of the discussion that I am super afraid of commitment. Surprise! Didn't see that one coming. But I never really realized why. It is because I have never really felt worthy of anything like that from anyone. I am sure that you have never felt that because if you are reading this blog, you are automatically beautiful/handsome and an 11ty hundred on a cool factor scale of one to ten.
I realized that I just never feel good enough for anyone to be interested in me. Whenever someone is, I am always surprised because I just don't see it. I'm interesting to me and that is all that I need. I have never allowed myself to become dependent in anyway on another human being. Except my parents. I just cannot bring myself to open up and unload on someone. Part of the reason I think is because no one has ever given me the chance. When one person did, I shot that gift horse in the mouth and now they are just "somebody that I used to know". I can have people unload to me, and quite honestly I love it when they do. I love seeing a side of a person that is so incredibly and elementally themselves. When they talk about things deeper than school and such, I get to see who they are when they are alone. Who they are when they pray. Who they are in the raw core. The raw and pure element that makes up their character is exposed and I get to see it for what it truly is. Which is beautiful to me.
I just don't give other people that opportunity to get to know me. Okay, there was one time that I tried but I don't know why I did. That is a situation that is still partially confusing. I think of the people in my ward and they all have little bits of Emily Truth. They each have a piece of the proverbial thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. Cheesy, but it gets the job done.
The other night I was sitting on the fire escape and writing. Sometimes I just get this driving need to write down my silly incandescent thoughts and that was one of those nights. The way that the moon was hung among the freckled stars was just absolutely breathtaking. Especially because the moon was in the middle of the sky and the light from it lit up a cloud behind the mountain and created this beautiful, purple image. But I was sitting there and writing and I just wanted someone, almost anyone, to come and interrupt me and see me in my pure form. Times like that I let down all walls and become me. Completely who I am inside. Not many people know that. Many of those thoughts end up on here and so if you read this, you have some idea. Treasure it well because I don't give it to many people.
Anyways, going back to the beginning of the stream of consciousness...I just never think that it could be me. There is no way that I could be the person that you think about more than others. I'm not saying that I'm the one you fall asleep thinking of or anything like that. But just the fact that someone thinks of me is weird. I can't believe it. Partly because it isn't true. But also because I just can't see why. There are so many prettier, skinnier, smarter, curvier, musical, and religious girls out there that I could not be picked because I am not great in any sense of the word. Please, don't think that I am beating down on myself. I have a great reserve of self confidence. I love who I am. It is just hard to see that someone else would.
I am so tired right now, it is crazy. This is going to be an insane week. I'll try to post some more over this next week. I'm sure that I will because I'll want a distraction from finals. I've already packed a bit and so now I just have to study...YES.
Have a loverly night. Peace and Blessings. See you soon. And I'll leave you with this wonderful song and an equally wonderful video.
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