Thursday, December 20, 2012

Tomorrow Never Knows

"I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic..." "They kind of go hand in hand." -Easy A

Now I will have "Pocketful of Sunshine" going through my head for a whole week. "You are on crack! And not the good kind!" Gah. This is a great movie. My sister and I are just hanging out watching it and dying. SO quotable. Sorry if you don't like it. Just kidding, I'm not sorry about it because I like this movie. "What do you think I have down there? A gnome?" Classic.

All that I want to do is write. Watching Emma Stone talk about how she wishes that John Hughes directed her life makes me want to write again. This kills me because I don't know how to write. There are so many better stories than I could ever come up with. Not even close, and I don't want to do that halfway. Easy A is one of them. She speaks with such honesty, it makes me involved in the movie. There is just something charming about it that sticks with me. And I don't mean that all of it was charming, because it wasn't. But her character and the character of that guy. I think that it was written well and Emma Stone acted it impeccably.

My mind... man. This is so frustrating. My mind is so full of things to say and I have no idea on how to say them. The past few days I've been doing that so much. I can't even talk right because my ideas all decide that they want to be said at the same time.

"What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it?" Woodchuck Todd, you have a way with words. Every time I hear "Don't You Forget About Me", I am filled with this bizarre happiness that comes from the contentment of everything being alright. Everything is well and good and that is perfect for that time. There are few things that make me feel so real, so down to earth so quickly as that song does.

Here is a little bit of a brief look into my tiny little life. The holidays are absolutely fantastic. I've made a huge amount of cookies, done butt-loads of yoga, and hung out with my family. Major highlight was finding out my gym had a climbing wall that had a huge amount of free climbing hours and so I can just go whenever and climb, glory halleluja! Plus there is this fantastic dirt bike trail that I'm going to go and try out tomorrow after I get some work and yoga in. It is going to be fantastic.

Although I didn't write anything of importance here, mostly because I've written a huge amount already but I ended up deleting it because it was incredibly stupid and basically involved me reflecting on silly things that don't matter any more. This is much better and I leave with a good feeling.

Keep in mind that this blog was never written to be read, so sorry if you just wasted a couple minutes reading this. But this is kind of how things go. And I went on and wrote a good amount of other stuff, but again it was censored for the better. ANYWHO good night.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Pupusas and Petrichor

So much to cover and this is the latest that I have been up in a long time. There's no time like the present, and here. we. go.

Thanksgiving. Possibly the best holiday ever, which is bizarre because I spent it alone for the most part. But just wait, I'll explain. It really was not as sad as that sounds. My extremely generous extended family gave me use of one of their cars for that holiday! The plan was to head up to Idaho to stay with my grandparents. I planned a couple of stops along the way and turned a trip that was meant to only take 4.5 hours into a whole day affair. My roommate dropped me off at the car, and I settled in for a ride. I'd picked up a couple of different AV cords so that I could play the best roadtrip playlist that had hitherto ever been created (it took me an entire week and a half to craft that beauty). However, the car didn't have either an AV jack or a tape player, so country music it was (at least 70% of the stations were country). Boots off, heat on, and the adventure begins.

If you don't know this about me, you should now. I love the word adventure. That word and everything that accompanies it. I am, to the core, and adventurer. Any chance I get to go to a place I haven't been, learn something I haven't learned, do something off the beaten path, I do it. This trip was no exception. I'd picked out a couple of places I wanted to stop along the way, but I was open to changes. I first stopped at a thrift store in Brigham City. Another random little insight into me is that I have this blog I want to start called "Thrifting Across America". I've always loved that chase, going into a store and just looking for those things that you love and can make look good. Honestly, people hate going thrifting with me because I take forever. I go through everything, I try everything on, and I end up getting like maybe three things. Everything excites me about it, there are so many old records, record players, and books and just about every gizmo and gadget imaginable. OH and mugs. I have a huge weakness when it comes to mugs, I must have at least ten between my family's place and my apartment. That's after getting rid of like five before I left for this semester. Sorry, like I said I really like to thrift.

So I spent like two hours there, bought two shirts and a skirt, and then I got back on the road. I looked for a hole-in-the-wall diner that was supposed to be there but apparently they moved it and Rob's Tires doesn't serve anything remotely related to a 4.32 star plate with sausage and eggs and french toast. Let down. I got back onto I-15, turned up Jake Owen, and enjoyed the ride. I'll have to post some of the pictures that I took along the way sometime. The mountains had a beautiful layer of clouds that made me feel as though I was taking part in something much larger than myself. I can't really explain it.

My trip continued on. I stopped at a reservoir that looked pretty amazing from the road, and skipped some rocks over it. I found a few more thrift stores and took a break at Lava Hot Springs. The drive to get there was incredible, all mountains. I got to the hot springs, I had my swimsuit but I didn't end up using it. I couldn't tell where the right hot springs place was, so I just parked and got out and walked. Another thing that you need to know, I like to walk. ALOT. I walk everywhere all the time. I go on walks, kind of like a grandma. (There was this one guy who offered to drive me somewhere and I said 'it's fine, I'll walk!' and he looked all offended and my roommates said 'no. really! she loves to walk.' that made me extremely happy that they said that). Right, so tangent again. I found this place where there were a bunch of rapids but there was a small island in the middle. The skirt I was wearing was one I had actually made, and it is a maxi batik with patterns of red, yellow, and all shades in between. The wind that day made it whip around and there was something so peaceful about it. There was a little bit of rain, wind in the trees, and the entire city was deserted. I hiked down to the island, it took a little bit of jumping and such, but I got there. And right there I sat down cross-legged and meditated. The rushing of the water around me actually helped me to focus. It calmed my usually frantic mind, and that moment was perfect. I knew I could spend as much time there as I wanted and I had no obligations. Freedom, right there and then. I ended up getting up and walking through the trees and just smelling the juniper. There is no better feeling in the world than being alive. Having your skin buzz with the sensation of living, of experiencing the human condition, and yet transcending that and feeling your entire self and yet something beyond that. In that moment, I was fully myself and a little bit more.

I ended up getting to my grandparents place that night, safe and sound. The next day I ended up going to a place called Mesa Falls. I put some of the pictures up on Tumblr, so here they are if you want to see them. On the way I saw a sign for some dunes, and so I took the turn. I had no idea how to get there, how to get out, and anything in between. My dad knows this especially, but I am really kind of bad at directions. So this was a big deal. It was absolutely breathtaking! Sagebrush was everywhere (love the smell of sage) and juniper. Headed up to the falls, and you can see the pictures there. The Tetons were in the background, I tried to get pictures of it and my camera didn't want to work. Roads all the way up were coated in snow and ice and freedom. Enough about that. I ended up going back to the dunes with my grandparents and making some sage bundles, saw some in this new age shop in Salt Lake and decided to make my own. So genius.

It is getting late. I'll have to write again about more than that... BUT before I go, I just wanted to write some things that I'm thankful for:

  • Petrichor (the smell of the ground after it rains)
  • Pupusas. If you have never had one, repent immediately and go get one. But probably two. My friend and I went last night and we had so much fun. We talked about ideas and dreams and the future instead of people and what other people were doing. It was really refreshing.
  • My family. No matter how many times I mess up and do something ridiculous or straight up dumb, they are always there for me and that means more than the world for me.
  • Roommates. A couple of nights ago, one of my roommates and I went on a walk and talked about everything. Even if there were some things that I didn't want to talk about, she pushed me so that I did talk about it and it felt really freeing to say some things. And it felt really good to listen. Thank you.
  • Thanksgiving.
  • Being at this university. As much crap as I give it, I really am glad to be here. There are so many things that I would be missing out on if I went anywhere else. I've been able to learn how to be myself in an environment that lets me explore the options while keeping me grounded. For those of you who do not know, I am a Philosophy major and I'm really excited to see where I go with it. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to study and learn everything that I am and also learn more about my faith.
  • My religion. My life is inexplicably intertwined with my religion. I would not be the same person I am today without it, no doubt about it. And I am so incredibly grateful for it.
Those are the big things. Other random things that I am grateful for and appreciate:
  • The way that hands were made. We can do so many things with them. We create, we destroy, we love, we hurt, we talk, and we feel with them. People wonder why I have a thing for hands, but I wonder how other people don't. Hands can tell so much about a person. And I am so grateful for them because I just think they are absolutely incredible.
  • New Years kisses. Never gotten one...not expecting one. But I just watched New Year's Eve and everyone just had a New Year's kiss and I just think that its a beautiful moment of humanity.
  • Sleep. Because that's what I'm definitely thinking about the most right now.
On that note. I leave you. And I'll post some more gratitudes later and other such things.

Have a delightful evening/morning (depending on your respective timezone) and I shall talk with you later!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Come Fill Me to the Parting Glass

I was watching Once Upon A Time, but wasn't really feeling that. I should be cleaning because we've got checks tomorrow, but I'm not feeling that. So I find myself here. There is absolutely nothing in particular that I want to write about, whenever I do have something then it gets me in trouble. So I'm interested to find out where this will lead me.

Now I feel as though I have to be careful about what I write because I know that people read it. I don't want to say the wrong thing or write something that confuses people. What I write on this blog is there for me and me alone. I write because it helps me to figure out what I want to say, what I am trying to think, and what I am doing with my life. It is completely there for self-analysis. Even when I am not writing about myself, as I am now, everything is somehow related to what I am thinking about. Whether it is because I need to remind myself that the stars are still there beyond the haze of stress and city lights or that I can really become someone. Maybe I just need to remember that there is something out there that I do just for me.

I don't want to have to watch everything that I write. Trying to find the best word for what I want to say because if I try to explain it then you might become lost in the process. That is a big part about what having ADD means to me. Most people go from Point A to Point B through some straight and direct path. But I go all the way to Point Z and then to M and back to A and round and round. It is direct to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. For me, there is joy in the journey as well as the destination. Deciding that I am finally at a destination means that I have looked at every possible alternative that I can think of and decided that I picked the one that will make me the happiest overall.

If you are not into psycho-analysis then I advise you to tune out now.

What is it about me that makes me think that I have to cope with everything? It is like I need to protect myself from everything and everyone, even the smallest moments. I have lowered my expectations to just above rock bottom that way I feel as though I will never be disappointed. It is a little extreme to say that I like to see the worst in everything and am pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. That is not at all the case. First of all, when it comes to other people's lives I always assume the best. My friends deserve no less than the best because they are the best. They are stunning, sweet, talented, graceful, funny, smart, and amazing in every possible way. I just know that life has so much goodness in store for them.

However, when it comes to anything in my life then I automatically assume the worst. I assume that I have absolutely no affect on the lives of anyone but my own. No one thinks of me, ever. In any context. I just do not merit being thought about. I feel like I am plain in every possible way. In friendships, I always assume that I am the 'lesser' friend. In school, now at least, I always know there is someone smarter than me so I never try to be smart. No one wants to really get to know me, they just want to talk about themselves. I've found that when I'm talking with someone and they start to ask me about me, I always say something wrong or with the wrong inflection and they are instantly bored. They ask obligatory questions because they know that is what they are supposed to do. However, I give up on that because I don't want to talk about myself to someone who is not going to listen. So I ask them about themselves. They'll ask me questions, sometimes. I'll give short, concise answers where I reveal just enough of myself to stand out against the typical but not enough to flesh me out. I tell people about who I really am and some how that comes back to bite me.

Part of that isn't true, but it is kind of how I see things. I don't know how I became this beast of survival. Somehow I shut down. On some level I shut down. I don't ever want to show I'm more interested in someone, when I really am, if I don't think that they are interested in me. If I don't absolutely know for sure, then I am not going to do anything. Maybe I feel that it exposes weakness. It is like I am a dragon and by showing I have a tie with some person is like rolling over in the middle of a mob of angry villagers with sharp objects and showing them my soft underbelly. I don't know who the villagers are. Well, okay. I do. I am so untrusting of people. I imagine the villagers as being that person and those who know because they can exploit it. They can stick a hot firebrand into my belly and watch me squirm because they know how to hurt me. I can't see into the dark parts of everyone's soul and so I assume that there is some part of everyone that wants to hurt me. That wants to reject me. If I were ever to show my whole self, all of what I thought and felt and dreamt, that they would reject me.

I have yet to be proven different.

My dad said that I'm like my mom. We both just put up walls against absolutely everyone. He has no idea why. He is a gruff guy, but deep down at the core he is an open nerve. Sometimes he can just let things roll off, but other times when someone says something to him he lets it really hurt him. I don't know what me me like this, I don't know how I got this way. I figured that it wasn't worth heartbreak or anything when I was younger. Maybe it was because I moved so much, I just thought this was a good way to stay happy. Because thats what I think I'm doing when I do this, when I keep to myself and block others out. I think that I am protecting my happiness.

I think another thing is that I do not want to let anyone in who does not honestly want to be there. Just asking questions is not enough. You have to want to know the answer. To know the honest answer. To expect the honest answer. You have to listen. You have to know when I give you the 'condensed' story and want to hear the full one because that is what will help you get to know me. You have to push me and push me and push me. I don't give in easily. I am stubborn as they come. I can promise that you have never met anyone quite as stubborn as I am. I do not allow anyone into my mind who I do not think is 'worthy'. That takes time. There is no particular amount of time. It depends on how hard you push. If I don't shove back, then you're on the right path. But once you push me far enough that I have no more walls to hide behind, that is when I will take your hand and walk the path with you.

But you will have to be patient. Whoever you are.

You will have to know that I am sincerely trying. I don't want to be this way. It is a hard life to life, never having anyone that you can lean on. I have my family, and that is really all that I need. But when I am away from them, it is so hard some days to put on a smile when all I want to do is sit on my bed and talk the problem out completely with someone. I don't want to be like this. All I have to trust in now is this blog. Yes, I have friends. Don't get me wrong. But they all have their own problems. And more often than not I do not feel like I am worth the amount of time it would take for them to listen. They have so many better things that they could be doing and are doing.

It is my fault. I know that. I accept full blame for any relationship that goes wrong because I am this way. In some ways I feel like I am broken. There is a character in Once Upon a Time who does not have a heart. And I relate to him more than I ever thought that I would. He does things just to find out how to feel again, and that is what I do. I have to learn how to use my heart. That is something that cannot be taught and I guess I wasn't born with it. I am finding out how to make myself feel things, and the safest way to do that is on my own. But safe is overrated, right? Right. So I try. However, my efforts are never enough for normal human beings. They can't understand me, what I am. At least they haven't as far as I know.

I like to think that there is someone out there who is willing to push me and push me and wait for me to start pushing back. Someone who will actually stick around through stubborn me to find the real me. But I honestly think I am asking way too much out of mankind for that. Even just for a friend. No one has time to do that, and no one has the motivation to do so. When you can't see what the prize at the end is, what is the thing driving you on? That is just it, there isn't anything. People can't see what I am and so there is nothing keeping them searching. They search on faith, faith that there is someone underneath all of my shells that is something resembling what they think it is. But my stubbornness is stronger than anyone's will to search. Just as I think that someone is going to keep pushing, and I can feel that I am about to cave in, they give up because they have been trying for too long.

That is the way it is with friends, with people I like, with my family. They push, but they hit the point of their breaking right before they get to mine. I get so excited. Finally, there is someone who I can talk to who actually cares about what I have to say at that moment! Oh, wait. Nope. I did it again. I overestimated their motivation. And once again I am left on my own.

I made myself this way. There is some part of me that has always been like this. I keep trying to open myself up. I do! I do! I do! You do not understand how difficult this is for me. Life is so much easier with my dragon shell up. I experience happiness this way. I am never reliant on others for my feelings and that has it's own kind of freedom. And I'm a freedom junkie. However, I know that this way I can never feel joy. I need to be pushed to the brink of truth and trust and I need to fall and give in. Yes, I'll experience the extremes of lows, or at least I'll put myself at that risk because I know it is worth it for those incredible highs. The height of feeling will be higher than anything I've known. But that requires someone who is willing to take a chance on me. And who is willing to push.

I promise that I'll do what I can to tear down the walls on my side. I've gotten better. I almost ripped them all down last time. Until I hit the last little bit of brick wall. The person gave up on their side of the wall. They began to see only the bricks, and not the walls that were being removed. I saw the walls. I could feel the breeze from the freedom of the other side. The sun was there. The air was sweeter. But they gave up just as I almost finished the last bit of bricks. It was not worth it.

So I picked up my mortar and began rebuilding them again.

The only way that anyone could possibly bear to be near me is to see things from my side. To see how I look at things. Because that will help it all make more sense.

Right now I am just a crazy person who has done a little bit too much self reflection. I don't want to be the person who shuts everything and everyone out because she is perfectly happy on her own. I want someone to be there with me. But that person needs to want to be there. No matter how hard it is, they have to stick it out. They have to be determined that I am who I say I am and they have to want to find that out. But, let's be real. That person doesn't exist. No normal human being can be that persistant. And I'm sorry for that.

I blame the mountains and the stars for this post tonight. Oh, and Ed Sheeran. That is a deadly triple threat. There is no where that I would rather be than up in the mountains right now. Laying out. Looking at the stars. If I had a car, I'd be up there right now. I'd pull an all-nighter because it would be worth it just to feel that starlight on my skin. To feel alive. To be a part of nature. And to allow nature into your consciousness and allow it to change you.

My dear moon stuck it out and now I think that the Moon and Stars know more about me than anything else ever has. They are always there and they always want to listen. They have seen me on my good days, on my bad. And yet they continue to be there. They continue to reach out and touch my soul, just enough to get my mind going. Tonight they pushed my soul just enough. It was more than I could simply think about, so I had to write.

I work early morning shifts, so I get to see some parts of Provo that no one ever does. This morning is what started me thinking about all of this. I looked out the window of the building I work in and I saw the mountains completely covered in snow. The sun was rising on the other side and the tips were pink. For some reason it was so beautiful that it almost moved me to tears. I don't know what it is about that image that just struck me so hard. It was like someone had hit my chest with a semi-truck. I knew there was no other place I would rather be than waking up in a tent in the mountains to that red dawn. I know that I'd want someone next to me, but that doesn't matter. Again, I need to watch what I say on these blogs or else everyone will know about me... yeah no.

Anyways, I saw that and I thought of all the people I knew that I would want up on that mountain top with me. Everyone would be too busy. Naturally. I'm a busy person too. But when I see that, and I know that is where I want to be, I need to find someone crazy enough to want to be there too.

BUT. It is late. I've got work at 5. And this week is going to be crazy.


P.S. If you want to read some of what I've written this week (about random shiz. specifically for a book that I think I might write...), message/text me or comment on this post or something. or you can message me on Tumblr here. And you can even do it anonymous if you want. Just give me somewhere to send it.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I let my mind run wild and free

I let my mind run wild and free
If i sink or swim, only one way to find out
How it ends
The lover's fight
Should I keep my walls up high and tall?
Strong and steady, no fear at all
If I go blind from all this love,
at least it was you I was thinking of 
So take what you will and I'll take the rest
I'll jump overboard and into this

Those are lyrics from Angel Taylor's new song that she posted on facebook, "The Lover's Fight". Its pretty chill and stuff, so I like it. It definitely fits the mood of the night. There is nothing I want to do more than be at peace. There was this one kid who kept inviting me to do stuff tonight, and it isn't that I don't want to. I wouldn't mind. But tonight is a night where I am thinking about everything, in a really really good way. For those of you who understand Doctor Who, it is as though I am going through a regeneration cycle and I am just finding my bearing before I go and talk with people. The past few weeks I haven't been so good at the saying words good thing. I'm having a little bit of rehab tonight so that I can be normal when conversing hopefully at some point. But, let's not hold our breath for anything, miracles happen once in a while and I might be so lucky.

There are so many random things that I want to write about, but I can't figure out where to start. I talked to my mom this week, and thank goodness for mothers. She is one of my best friends, honestly. She talks to me like an equal and I do the same. She called me once and just started ranting about how our house was just breaking down, then she boasted about my siblings and stuff, and said something about how she hasn't had much contact with adults recently. I don't mind at all, because I love hearing about my family. I am so proud of all of them and where they are! They are doing so well and I really could not love them all more. But anyways, my talk with Mom this week. I called her about this dilemma that I am having, and I told her the basic outline of what was up and asked her about what I should do. When she told me her opinion, everything fell into place and made sense. I could not believe that I had gone that long without talking to her because the problem became much more clear and a feeling of peace and patience came over me.

She said that I just needed to think about what "Cool Emily" would do. That may sound like an insult or something, but I promise that it is not. "Cool Emily" is the person that I would like to be some day. When I pick out clothes, I think of what this ideal person would wear. It is how I perceive myself on the best of days and it is also the conglomeration of everything that I hear or see that I want to integrate as a part of myself. "Cool Emily" is the personification of all those ideals and thoughts. So when she said that, it all made sense. How would a calm, composed, and independent person deal with this? She would do so with patience, respect, and honesty. She would do it in a way that may cause a little pain on her part but would preserve the pride of the other person because she knows that she can lose pride and wouldn't want to hurt anyone. The "Uncool Emily" or whatever I am now didn't and is not doing that. When I realized that, and realized how much I need to apologize for, my stomach dropped. There is so much and I have been in the wrong about everything. I should not have done things the way that I did or let them affect me the way that I have. Cool Emily is strong. Yes she is able to be hurt and such, but she is strong enough to know that life will keep moving on even though she wants it to stop. She smiles, stands up tall, and uses whatever happened to make herself a better person instead of letting it sit and make her miserable. She knows that you cannot change the past.

How I wish I could change some things of the past. There are so many points in my life that I can see now and see the way I acted and wish I could change it. I'd be a better student, friend, daughter, sister, etc. But you cannot go back and change the past. There is a phrase in Arabic: اللي فات مات. "Illi faat maat." What it means literally is that which is past is dead. While the past has made me who I am, I cannot go back and change it as if it is some protean, living being. There is nothing about it which can be altered now. And that makes me sick, to tell you the truth. UGH I can be such an idiot about things sometimes. I get carried away and forget about who I am striving to be and why. I get lost in my head and my emotions hotwire the system and I feel like they take my heart for a joyride. What I said is done, I cannot retract them and I cannot explain my way out of them. They sit there like a cold bowl of oatmeal. As much as you want to get rid of it, you have to let them sit until some hot water loosens it up to the point where you can dispose of it. But with words, the hot water comes from the other person and together you decide to forget the past. If they don't want to turn on the tap, for good reason too, you are stuck with a bowl of cold oatmeal that not even Goldilocks would try.

Tonight though, tonight was for me. I put on some leggings and an oversized plaid shirt from my DI boyfriend (my boyfriend refers to the relationship that I have with the men's section at DI... comfortable clothing for the win..) and I curled up with my favorite blanket, favorite tea, a full stomach, folk music, and the Odyssey. The Odyssey was less than desirable  I swear if I read the phrase 'Dawn comes early, on rosy fingers' one more time, I'll reanimate Homer just so I can have the satisfaction of being the cause of his second death. But it has been good. I should go talk to people, I know. But I've been figuring out some stuff today and I was social this morning. So, I'm letting myself off. Just this once.

Ever After, in VHS form, is currently in our VCR and I am soo ready to hit play. Since I don't want to stop writing, I figure I might as well discuss what this movie always makes me think of: Romance. I love watching romance movies because it puts me back into my favorite role, that of the observer. Nothing ever happens to me, so I am the observer. That is not entirely true, romantic stuff does happen to me. But what I mean is that I am once again logical. Also, my friends are the ones who deserve these kind of romance stories. I like to imagine that one day I will be the star in my story, but let's be real. I am a Joan Cusack character for life.

ANYWAYS. I just wanted to make a quick list of some of my favorite film relationships.
  1. Harold and Maude. This is one of my favorites because it deals with more than love in a romantic sense. While that is there, it involves a love for life. Maude develops in Harold a love for humanity, for experience, for feeling everything that you possibly can no matter how crazy or painful it may be.
  2. Danielle and Prince Henry. Every. Single. Time. I watch this movie, I fall in love with this romance. It makes me want to cry. When he comes and saves her and she runs across the courtyard and into his arms, I have to squeeze whatever pillow I'm holding because it makes me so ecstatically happy. And how he just talks to her about anything. Plus they have some of the best kisses in movie history.
  3. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. DUH. She is just so perfect, and he is too. They both have to undergo a change before anything can happen and they do it because they love each other. It is hard, but it 
    is worth it in the end. I also love how she says to Mr. Darcy, "It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly." Elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations." I love this because they knew each other well enough to believe exactly what the intentions of the other were. Such a beautiful scene. Best telling comes from the book.
  4. Jane Eyre and Rochester. While this is not perfect, I love how devoted they are to each other. They are both weird and have enough baggage to fill an aircraft carrier, but they accept that and it does not change either one's opinion of the other.
  5. Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 things I hate about you). Okay, this is not the best romance ever or anything. But they are up here because they legitimately have one of the top three kisses EVER. Ever time it is fantastic.
Since I'm on a role... Why stop? Because I do not want to overwhelm you. Although I will leave you with a list of most romantic songs, that are so because it is my humble opinion.
  1. Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. This song tells an incredible story and has a feeling that just kind of stays with you.
  2. Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch. Just wow, I love this song a huge amount and something new pops out every time I listen to it. It actually made me cry the first time I heard it.
  3. Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. Everything about this song is perfect, absolutely everything. I could listen to it all day everyday if I didn't think it would put me in a weird mood. It is beautiful and her voice is great for it and it is just... it just is.
  4. Check Yes or No by George Strait. It would be so easy to make a list of just country songs, but I'll do my best to vary the selection. This song has a special place in my heart, it was always on the radio when I was a kid so it makes me practically giddy to hear it. I would sing this one at the top of my lungs and it reminds me of perfect days in the car with my family going on some adventure with the sun on my face, wind blowing, and a smile stretching from ear to ear.
  5. While this is not a song, it is my favorite... track. I guess you could call it that. A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me. Watch it. Fall in love with it. Let it change you.
I feel like that is enough for tonight. Let this month be different. Do something that scares you. My scripture bookmark says:
Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, 
or someone you're afraid to love, 
or somewhere you're afraid to go. 
It's gonna hurt. 
It's gonna hurt because it matters. ---John Green

Let the design in the stars be the same in the rebuilt machinery of your hearts. Let November be a month where you allow yourself to change or do something different. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Growing Up, Child

"Growing up, child, is just a matter of time. Forgiven all you've got so won't you dance under the sun?"

I feel like I've grown up too quickly sometimes. These past few weeks, it is like I've completely forgotten how to have fun. I've been completely absorbed in myself. That means that I don't want to do anything, schoolwork has been a huge challenge to accomplish, and I just want to sit, think, and listen to music. I haven't been able to focus. It is almost like my brain is tired. It just does not want to work anymore. I can hear it, "Nope, you can't make me!"

Relating to people has been difficult too. I"ve been so lost in my thoughts that I'll zone out halfway through what someone else is saying. I try to focus, really I do!! But I get completely turned around in my own head. Everything seems to come in waves. The ebb and flow is mesmerizing on that cosmic and internal plane. I feel my soul as it swells and washes over my consciousness and then flows away and I feel empty and cold. But when it is there I feel restored and like myself. But then the tide comes again and back I go. Like a turtle into my shell.

Why am I like this? Who knows. I haven't really thought about it hard enough to have an answer. It has been so long since I've felt this way that I kind of like it. There is a feeling of sadness and melancholy that makes it seem as though my soul just settles into a little clump at the bottom of my stomach, pulls up it's comforter, and hunkers down with a cup of tea and a good book. Because it does that, it makes it so that it is all that I want to do.

But I can't. There are so many things to accomplish. I need to get going on my new job, my old job, and the other potential job. I need to pull my grades up. I need to get my homework done on time. I need to read my scriptures. I need to eat. I need to serve. There are so many different things on my mind, I just want to curl up in a hole and not talk to anyone. Read a book, listen to the rain, and just worry about me again. Let the feelings wash over me and then go away. I'm kind of done feeling for a little while.

But this is all probably because I'm tired and stressed. So these feelings might not even be real. Comforting, right?.../

I have a friend who I really look up to who came out here and we've been hanging out. I love talking with her because she really centers me. She reminds me that it is okay to be me because I haven't been so sure recently. We talked about everything and she's still here for a day or so which means we'll hang out some more. But she is so sure of herself, it makes me want to be as well. I can be strong, sure, and unique. There is some way to do it. I know it. Legit, she is pretty much the coolest person I know and I am SO glad she came out here!

This week... man. It has been so long. It's only Tuesday. But, I know this is one of those weeks where I"ll look back on it and see how fast it has gone. Can't wait for that! I'm stuck in that ebb and flow of apathy and grayness and it is starting to take a toll on my mind. It's getting to that point where I'm focusing on what I don't have. Which can't happen. I need to focus on what I am grateful for. I can't keep thinking about how beautiful everyone else is, how secure everyone else is, how carefree some people have it, how together everyone is. While I'm the opposite of all those things right now. Not beautiful, not secure in life, not as carefree as I'd like to be, and how alone I can feel sometimes. But, everyone feels like that at some point. Or at least I like to think so. Its been a dark blue week. "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?"

I keep wondering what to write, but I feel like I'd regret a lot of things. If you want to know, just ask me and I might tell you. But if you don't want to talk to me, that is fine to. I don't blame you.

Issalamu aleekum.

Let the moon softly restore you by night, the sun restore you by day, and let the wind play with your hair. Find that peace and be happy.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Wednesday in a Cafe

Finished registering for classes. Just had a debate with my roommate about the usefulness of my degree. Usually I'm okay when people ask about it, I mean I knew it was something that I was going to get asked. But for some reason it was different tonight. Her opinion means a lot to me and she seemed to be totally okay with it before. But tonight she was just like, "Why bother getting a degree in something that is useless?" Specifically it was my minor. I am a philosophy major, international development minor. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. All I want to do is travel. I might even get a double minor in arabic or something. I know I'll have to go do more schooling afterwards, so I figured that I'd study something that I actually liked. I'm not trying to validate my choices, I know why I've made them. I'm just reasoning some things out.

Right now I've got some slow music on and going. That is how it's been this whole week. Slow, soft, and sad. Who knows why, but that is how it has been. All I've wanted to do is curl up with a cup of tea in sweatpants to read a book while sitting next to the window so that the cool breeze blows over me. I want to leave behind all kinds of responsibilities and due dates. To forget everything for a little while would be absolutely glorious. My stomach drops at the sheer pleasure of that situation. But, sadly, we live in reality and cannot do that. Why do we have to do silly things like grow up? I guess that is what weekends are for. Saturday, let's hurry this up.

I need to make it up to the temple sometime soon. I'm having some serious difficulty getting my mind to calm down. It's almost as though it likes being tied up in knots of worry. I'm seeing it start to affect my body, I'm tense everywhere. This cannot happen and needs to end. Maybe I'll head up to the temple tomorrow... Nothing sounds better than the warmth of the temple and those warm jumpsuits when they are still hot from the dryer. The feeling of home and comfort is overwhelming. That is something that needs to happen ASAP. Mind, calm down. Please?

I realized one of the reasons that I love snow. But it'll have to wait until I'm able to express it. I just tried to write about it, and for some reason the thoughts just were not flowing. I'll think about it some more and get back to you then.

Tonight I was interviewed by this random person in my ward. She needed someone to interview that she did not know and I said that I could help. I didn't know that it was going to be a therapy session. She is training to be a social worker and this is for her interview skills class. I had to fill out a questionairre before and after the session and it was being recorded so that her class could watch it. It was perhaps the most awkward thing I have ever done. I could relax. Dumb. She kept asking me about my life and stuff. She didn't know arabic was a language. When she asked if anything was getting me down, I thought I'd finally be able to talk and have someone really listen. Nope. She played with her nice, shiny engagement ring and fiddled with her fingers. I didn't want to say random stuff and have her not listen... I mean seriously. I have been waiting for someone to ask me how I'm doing. But this whole week, it hasn't happened. Not really. People ask the generic question. I have been waiting for the question with emphasis. How are you doing, really? But it hasn't come. That is probably best. No one needs to hear my pathetic rantings. I don't think I could listen to myself. Yeah, life is difficult and all blah blah blah blah. .. Why does this happen? I know that my issues aren't a big deal and those that are, I can't do anything about them! I'm trying to find another job, but it really isn't working well. That is completely out of my hands right now. I have done what I can.

My mom keeps asking me about my other job, and I won't give you details because it is kind of pathetic. But every time she asks, it is like a little part of me dies. A part of me has failed every time she asks me about it. There is always that part of me that hasn't lived up to what it should have. It is embarrassing. I say that I have done the best that I can, but I know that I can do better. I can push myself farther. It is just so difficult to remember that in the moment. There are so many things that I could be doing better. But I can't think about that!

Too often I think about that and not about what I'm doing right. This week has been especially bad. I keep putting up this false happiness, well it is not completely false it is just forced until it sticks, and I haven't allowed myself to express my full feelings. I have let it get all bottled up inside and I think that is why I feel sometimes like I'm about to explode if I don't express them in full right then. But I can't. That is not socially acceptable.

Also, I live in fear that my feelings are not justified. My fears, my irritation, my stress. I don't want it to be one-upped by anyone. I know that there are people out there that have it harder than I do, I just like to wallow sometimes. But I can't do that. That leads to things like this week where I've listened to T-Swift and sad Michael Buble songs for various reasons. I need to accept what I'm feeling and move on. Let it become a part of me instead of something that I need to get over. I can progress so much quicker when I accept things.

Mary May and Bobby plus Rainymood makes me feel so peaceful right now.

Do you sometimes want to cry because something is so beautiful and you don't know what makes it that way? I get that like right now listening to the music and the rain with the cool breeze on my ankles. When I look at the snow falling. When I see the lights of cars and street lights reflected in the puddles on the pavement. When I look up and I see the stars and the moon. When I see a look between two people who love each other. When I see an awkward couple fumbling as they try to hold hands. When I see a single leaf fall from a tree and sway on the wind before finally resting on the ground. These moments are what make life so beautiful. Everyone sees them differently, each moment in itself is different, and therefore no one can ever experience the same exact thing. We can try to explain it, but you had to be there. Humanity can be so imperfect sometimes, but isn't that what makes it perfect?

In philosophy we were discussing Plato's theory of essences. (What Republic is about). Plato believed that there was no such thing as ugly. Humans created the idea of something being ugly. When something was not beautiful in the scientific sense, it was simply not participating in the essence of beauty. It was participating in anti-beauty in a way. Each essence was perfect, by nature. Therefore, the essence of anti-beauty was perfect therefore anything that wasn't beautiful was still perfect in some sense. While that argument does have many logical flaws, I think that it applies perfectly to the situations and moments that I mentioned. They are fleeting and they are imperfect, but that is what makes them perfect. They are participating in an essence of some sort and that makes them perfect in a completely unique sense.

Sometimes I forget what it is like to sit back and become myself again. I haven't changed. I haven't put on a mask. But I have allowed myself to become so full of worry, stress, and anxiety that I haven't drained that and become me again. That has overwhelmed my thoughts for the past while and it needs to end. I need to remember the law of attraction. Be peaceful and you will attract peace. A part of me likes the stress because I can become lost in it. Through stress I lose my feeling, my sensitivity, my reality. It is almost like going into a dream, where the things that really matter don't worry you. Stress makes me focus on the things that don't matter instead of the things that do because sometimes it wants to cope that way. It can be too hard to deal with what I'm actually thinking, feeling, or doing so I change and focus on dumb small things like my physics homework or that arabic drill that suddenly became the most important thing on my to do list. It shouldn't be. I need to focus on me. Focus on life. Focus on the breath that restores me. I need to stop and pay attention to the height of the trees on campus and ponder on how long they have been there and how much they've seen. Who cares if I step in a puddle if I find a small part of me through looking up? I certainly don't.

Wow. I feel like Emily again. I've missed that feeling. This whole week I've been feeling about where I did when I wrote my last post. I've written a couple of things and none of them sounded like me. They were angry, callous, and rash. And I feel like they might have hurt someone close to me. There are so many things I wanted to say, but never got the chance to. The odds of you reading this, even this far, are slim to none. So I won't dwell on this. I shouldn't dwell on it.

Be truthful as you go about this Friday. Be honest in your intentions with everyone. Start with yourself. Wake up and be honest with yourself. Be honest in your prayers. Be ready to act on whatever the Lord gives you as instruction that day. Then go and be honest with your fellow man. Then you will find how happy it is and how much more you learn.

سلام عليكم
"Peace be unto you"

PS. Word of the day is Petrichor. It is the word that describes the smell of a fresh rain.

Monday, October 22, 2012

She's My Kind of Rain

Please do not read this post. This one is completely self-indulgent. If I don't write tonight, I'm going to keep thinking. And I can't have that. I have a physics test tomorrow and I need to focus.

Tonight my ward had this great fireside about "Dating and Courtship". I was afraid that this was going to be just like every other lesson about marriage and dating. Which meant it was going to suck. But it was the complete opposite. Our bishopric talked about how they met their spouses and about how they dating and stuff. I figured a bunch of stuff out. I know what I want in the future. I want what they had. It was obvious to everyone that they adored each other. Completely and totally. A few of them said that there was no doubt in their minds who they were meant to end up with. My bishop's wife said that they were soul mates. That is what I want. I thought it was so beautiful!

Their relationships were founded on love, respect, and the gospel. They didn't care what they looked like or anything. Well, they did to an extend because, as one wife put it, "you want to make kids with them". So they were physically attracted to the other in some way. But they cared so much deeper than that. It was so true. Their words really hit me.

I'll probably write more about this later as I think about it more. Bishop's wife said something too about having a life. She said that having a life makes you so much more attractive. Go out and perfect your talents. Be a good student. Learn things. That is what I'm out there doing. I'm out there having a life. I just need to remember to be alive every once in a while.

So the past couple of days haven't been my best. At all. I wrote a less than flattering post about everything, but chose not to post it. It was just too bad. And that kind of a attention was not deserved. So, I'll just add a couple of things in right here. Doubt that you'll read it though.

I feel incredibly stupid.

If only you understood how big a deal everything was to me. But you really do not know me at all. Knowing me better though will probably not do anything. If anything, it will scare you away. My past is a bit scary. But I never had the chance to tell you. I actually thought that I would take a chance on this. I had been standing on a cliff, enjoying the view, the thrill of the height, and the sun on my face. You had already jumped off the cliff in your base jumping suit. You called out to me to join you. I didn't want to. I liked where I was. I had a little of the danger, I could still see you, and everything was great. Then I realized that I did want to join you. So I took all the courage I could muster, scrounging for every last shred that I had, and I backed up a little bit and then I started to run. You waited until the moment when my feet left the ground to fly past me on a hangglider when all I had was a parachute. You soar up while I plummet to the ground. I hadn't even realized that you hadn't fallen far at all before the hangglider brought you back up. There was nothing I could do but fall, fall, fall.

That is kind of how I feel. I thought, "Why not give the benefit of the doubt? Everyone else doesn't know what they are talking about. This will be different, I'm sure of it." But something gives me the feeling that it wasn't. Not for you, anyways. I've become a number. A statistic in your weird history. Actually, I probably haven't. I wasn't memorable at all and I don't fit in with dating or kissing. So I'm just a faceless name. Sorry, I know that is a tad bit melodramatic. But these are the things that go through my head as I head towards the ground with my little parachute. I've forgotten though what it was like to feel. So thank you.

I tried to tell you all of this, so you probably already know it. But if you didn't realize it, here it is. That is how I feel right now. If you actually took a second to listen to what I say, instead of paying so much attention to what I do, then you might have gotten it. But it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't feel like you want to be with me. For whatever reason. Maybe its because you just weren't getting what you want. So you move on. If that is the case, sorry but that's a tad bit ironic, don't you think? Just think about that one. Maybe its because I was just too weird. Kay, I accept that response. Because I am. Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? I will also accept that one. My bishop's wife tonight said that it is important to realize what you have and what you don't. I know what I do and what I don't and I'm okay with that. I was given what I was given or not given for a reason. Any of those would have been good. But you didn't give me one of those, did you? Nope. You think I'm not natural. Yeah, that's legit. Maybe its even because you like some other girl. Again, I'm good with that. What ticked me off a huge amount was that you felt the need to not tell me for a while and when you did it was over text... Makes me feel like we're in middle school or something again. Really, I would have been fine if you'd told me to my face and not acted like there was something sneaky about it. That is really why I reacted this way. Honestly, it is.

I don't compare myself to other girls as much as I used to, so I don't know where I fall when compared to them. So sorry if I fell short.

But I am alive. That is all that I want. To live in the moment. And I have and I will. There are too many things to do in my life to spend time dwelling on stuff like this. You were creating drama, and "I just can't handle that". I absolutely despise drama.

I am a free spirit. Unshackled and untethered. Again my soul is able to fly up into the aether. I am not mad anymore. Anger is a secondary emotion. I was hurt. Still am. But the exhilaration of possibility and being alive completely trumps that. Anger no longer exists in my mind about this. I've pushed that away. I need to catch some sleep because this week is going to be crazy. But it will all be okay and I'm so excited to see what life has in store for me. You know that anticipation before a plane takes off? That feeling where your heart starts pumping and you remember that you are actually going somewhere? That is what I am feeling right now. It could just be because I took my medicine late today and so my heart rate is still elevated, but I highly doubt it.

Dear Life, I am ready for what you have in store.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Son of a Preacher Man

Dear stars, release my soul from this cage. Tonight is one of those nights when you just want to cry for no reason. And every reason. And nothing again. All I want to do is blast some Bob Dylan and Neil Young. That is how you know it is bad.

But life is great, there is no reason to feel this way. I just think that this is what happens when all the stress builds and builds until your back breaks and it falls around you and you realize just how much there was.
All I want to do right now is curl up into a little ball and watch Harold&Maude. Which I probably will do. Make myself a cup of warm milk and watch it. That sounds like as close to heaven as I can get right now.

I just lost all motivation to finish the post with the prospect of an 80s cult film.... All I wanted to say was that music is a salve for the soul. Playing guitar, listening to music, singing (no matter how bad it is) all makes things turn up.

What I need to do is take a big breath and remember that it will all be okay. Because it will be. I know it!

But really everything is okay. It is great actually! Everyone has those times where they fall apart for a moment or two, but in no time at all they are back to the way they were. I am not depressed, I simply took these past few days to feel exquisitely human.

Monday, October 15, 2012


Goooooooood eeeveningg.

Fall is here, hear the yell. Autumn is approaching and it feels amazing. Everything is cooling off, the mountains have a trace of snow, and the air just smells better. It is almost as if when fall hits, everything becomes in high definition and crisper.

My friend recently put up a post about all the things she loves about autumn and life and I think I might do the same. SO

  1. The crunch of leaves
  2. Cuddling
  3. Chapstick
  4. The smell of oranges and cloves
  5. A hot mug
  6. Red noses
  7. A cold breeze
  8. The lightness of feeling in the air
  9. Camping, and everything about it.
  10. Tea
  11. The rain

The list goes on and on. I couldn't find anything better to describe it than these pictures.

Now, I need to find an answer to the question "What do I want?". I know that there is an answer, but I don't think that it is what you are thinking of. Hmm.. what do I want? It doesn't come in a box. Nothing I ever truly want does, not since I was 12, and even then it didn't really. I have never been tied to material things like that, it just isn't something that I've ever had to deal with. I want to live. I want to be alive, to experience the beauty of breathing and living and experiencing everything that I possibly can. Today in relief society we talked about what our passions were, and the only thing that came to my mind was to live. I do not want to let a single experience pass me by that would allow me to truly live. To feel human, to feel pain, to feel joy, to laugh loudly, and cry hard. To be left breathless by a run or a moment and to never miss a change to feel the ground underneath me or the sun and rain on my face. That is what I want, above all else. That is my passion.

I want to travel. That fits in with that one, and it is not something that I want anyone to give me. Ever. It is something that I have to work and slave over on my own otherwise I won't appreciate it as much. I have to travel on my own terms and do what I need to do, and that is just the way it is. That is a me thing and that is something that I do not want to change because it is such an integral part of who I am and who I want to become.

Another very important thing is that I want to be myself. I say things that you do not like, act in ways that confuse you, and say things just for the sake of them being said. It is weird, I know. I get it. But I want to be able to be completely myself around someone, around you, and not worry about how you are going to take what I say. If something I say confuses you, just ask what I meant. If something is bothering you, just talk about it. I am not the kind of person who likes to beat around the bush like that, just talk straight. And right now I can, and that is good.

These are just some other random things that I want: to shave my head, to go to a random funeral (like Maude), write a book, go skinnydipping, and do yoga on the beach. These are all things that I want at some point, I just have to get there. I feel so immature sometimes because in Relief Society, there were people saying things like "be a mom", "be the favorite science teacher", etc. I have not reached that point. They are all good things, but I'm still a reckless youth. I crave freedom in every form. 

Is that what you thought it would be? Probably not. Actually, you probably think that those were really lame answers based on all the hype. You thought that you would find out what I want in a relationship...well. Hm. Honesty. Comfort. Fun. And no stress, because right now I am not stressing about anything. So calm down. Now you know what I want. And I do not want all of those things now. Where is the fun in that? Instant gratification is highly overrated and does not lead to anything lasting, typically. Just take comfort in knowing that I am comfortable getting as close as we have, because I definitely do not do that with just anybody. Especially getting as actually close in proximity as we did. Keep that in mind, and do not stress.

Everyone, have a lovely beginning to your week. Make yourself a hot beverage, walk to class, feel scholarly. Carry on.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

We Could Live Out By the Sea

I cannot believe that I have never called a post after one of the sweetest songs: Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. I'll stick it right here so that you can listen to it as you read this.

This song is completely and utterly brilliant. Enjoy.

Can we just take a minute and appreciate how incredible it would be to 'live out by the sea'? Waking up to the smell of sea salt, sand, and sun. That sounds like paradise. There is something so timeless about beaches, something that makes it seem as though anything that you think and feel is instantly preserved forever in the salt. One of my dreams is to live in a beach house somewhere in the Carolinas. Not one of those vacation homes, but an actual house. One that is maybe a blue or yellow but is faded because of the effect of blowing sand and salt corrosion with driftwood. Lighthouses are a favorite of mine as well, so that adds to the draw.

I have started this part of the post about five times now...I never can seem to say the right thing. It is as though my mind knows exactly what it wants to say and when I try to say something else, it just shuts me down. When that happens, I cannot think anymore about what I want to say, I start writing stuff that I think that people want to hear. And sometimes those are the same and sometimes they aren't. This is one night when they aren't quite the same.

There was this poem that I read recently that I wanted to add..but it was really long. So that didn't happen. But there was a line in it, " lead you to an overwhelming question...". That reminded me of my favorite movie, A Room With A View. If you have never seen it, then that needs to change. ASAP. Anyways, there is this character in it who gets up in a tree and shouts his creed. "Joy! Beauty! Love!" And his father simply says that he is "Declaring the eternal yes". That is what I feel like sometimes. There are those times when you feel as though all of your feelings bubble up inside of you and you simply want to explode and shout things like George and proclaim the Eternal Yes!

In other news, I'm rereading a book that I love and it is making me want to cry all the time. Rob Sheffield is a genius and if I can have the smallest bit of what he writes..then my life will be a success. I just finished reading about all the different kinds of mix tapes that there are, which made me think about all the mix tapes that I've ever made and received. And there are many. It also made me think about all the mix tapes that I will make in the future for people and for myself.
"I have built my entire life around loving music, and I surround myself with it. I'm always racing to catch up on my next favorite song. But I never stop playing my mixes. Every fan makes them. The times you lived through, the people you shared those times with--nothing brings it all to life like an old mix tape. It does a better job of storing up memories than actual brain tissue can do. Every mix tape tells a story. Put them together, and they add up to the story of a life."
That is absolutely perfect. So now I'm onto the part when he tells Renee that he has a crush on her, and seriously the whole scene makes me giddy. I'm picturing this 6'4" lanky irishman talking to this robust southern gal and he tells her that he likes her. It's the memory that he has when he listens to Big Star. And I love it. The way he describes her makes me wish that was me, every time I read this book it is the same. They had an Up kind of love, take a look at this quote.
Girls take up a lot of room. I had a lot of room for this one.
GAH. I love that!

One of the most perfect things in life is coming across something that you used to love, and realizing that it is just as cool as it was back then. This is one of those things. It is still so perfect, so applicable, and so heart-wrenchingly truthful that you cannot help but love it every single time.

  Well, that's all for now folks. Stay tuned for an update on the next big adventure, or the next big revelation, or the next little thing that I thought was funny but no one else did. (My friend and I were talking about how we like to laugh randomly because we think funny thoughts. People say things like 'that wasn't very funny' or something like that and then I (or she) says "that wasn't for you" or something. That hardly made any sense...but again...that was for me!)

Oh. And:

P.S. I talked to this weird kid on the phone today...and he told some pretty dang funny stories. Oh, and he likes to tell things how they are which is AWESOME.

That is all. Good night!

P.P.S. Brain vomit=uncensored rambling. I don't think about it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

You Can't Be Twenty On Sugar Mountain

I'm sitting at home, after just getting back from my friends' place, drinking a cup of hot milk, and thinking about life. Not in the general sense, but more in the nature of it.

I was reading some of my old posts and while I felt completely foolish when I wrote them, I read them again and feel as though I was wise beyond my years and I have regressed. I am not longer able to put words in to a stream that makes people think. I write about boys. I write about problems. I have not written recently about the little beautiful things that life has to offer.

Little things like the hot milk next to me. It is in a Norman Rockwell mug that I picked up from DI and it tastes like heaven right now. Why can I not remember to blog about things like that, instead of this boy or that (not that there are enough to make up a this and a that...).

Something that I have found is that I am just so completely insecure with who I am sometimes. When I blog it is because I know that I have felt what it is like to be Me when I am doing it so I attempt to recreate that feeling. However, that just results in me sitting at home alone on a weekend blogging about being lonely...just not bueno. I need to write about living again because when you write about living, it becomes integrated into your mind and eventually into who you are. I feel like I knew myself better in high school. Maybe that was because it was a safe environment. It was almost as though I was living in a lab, I could experiment with things and the consequences were minor if any. When I played with fire, I got burned. Now I avoid such things like the plague here...which results in a very gunshy me. How fickle my heart.

I have made myself a promise, and writing it on here is the same as sealing it in blood. My promise is to be honest in everything I do. I made that promise at the beginning of the year, but I make it again because it is always a work in progress. I will be honest in my dealings with fellow men and in my dress and speech. Too many times I say something to make someone feel more comfortable (that someone knows what they are talking about) or because I want to seem "cool". But no. That is all over. Life is art and art is never dishonest. The essence of art is that you are trying to tell your version of the truth, your paradigm, to the world and present it in a way that makes people think about their paradigm. I want to live my life in a way that people know exactly who I am and in a way that makes people question what they are doing. Not in a way that makes them change, just enough to make them understand who they are and how they got there.

That is all for tonight, hope it makes sense. I haven't been up this late in a while...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Cowboys & Angels

That is a beautiful song if you have never heard it. Made me cry. A friend showed it to me today and I am completely in love with it.

I thought that I would share a quick experience that I had this weekend. A bunch of friends and I went up American Fork Canyon, and then a bunch of good stuff happened when we got back. I wanted to write this for my religion class. Hope it's okay:

I have learned so much about myself since I last wrote one of these. The change has been for the better, and if I do not write it all down and have someone as a witness I’m afraid I’ll change back.
During class last Wednesday, I felt that I should go to the temple. I had been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, but since I have moved across campus I was not ever motivated to make the walk to the temple. Now that I look at it, it was silly because even though the walk is long, it is beautiful and I should be extremely grateful that the temple is within walking distance and that soon two temples will be within an hour walk of me. The world is incredible!

I was finally motivated and went up to the temple. Since I had not been in a long time, I was expecting something akin to the trumpeting of angels and a heart full of warmth and love. But none of that happened. I found that I kept thinking about the outside world and I was simply not open to the Spirit. I knew I was supposed to go, though.

Then this weekend some friends and I went up American Fork camping. We got back Saturday morning in time for their volleyball game. I asked a friend to bring me some Sunday clothes and my recommend because one of my friends was heading up to the temple right after and I wanted to go. So I threw on the random clothes my roommate had brought and up we went. We got there and the whole experience was amazing. The words of a father’s blessing I had received just prior to coming out to school again came to me and I remembered that God was proud of me and was overwhelmed by the love I felt as I thought of that. I had been too hard on myself that week and I needed to remember that all that mattered was how God felt about me.

That night I hung out with some friends and I felt excluded and lost. Feeling of being unwanted and uncared for overwhelmed me and put me in a bad mood. As I was walking home, suddenly a thought came into my mind. After any spiritual experience or a time when I feel like I am worth something, however small, to the Lord then I am always hit with this feeling of being unworthy and disliked by people. Satan was exploiting that weakness I had to make me forget about the experience that I had earlier that day. When I felt rejected, I lost all feeling of love and joy and retracted into myself and feelings of misery. As soon as I realized that none of those feelings were true, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

In church they always talk about how Satan attacks your weaknesses and he knows what you struggle with personally. I had heard that but I had never applied it to me. Of course he was not going to attack me by using myself against me. That was too personal. I was too weak there. I had always pictured him as an external force that comes as temptations and people. But he is not. He uses your weaknesses and makes it personal. Your temptations can come from within and you can think they are you but when you stand up against yourself in that way, you become so much stronger. You find that weakness that you never realized you had and you make it strong and fortify it. Only you have the power to defeat your temptations.

Be strong and of a good courage...for the Lord, thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

Monday, September 3, 2012

In the Arms of Another Day

"I'm trapped but I'm not quite there...busy chasing a lost dream."

That is a line from a band called the daydream club, and you should check them out because they are super chill and practically perfect in every way.

I wish that I could write down feelings. I know that you can write down how you are feeling, but I wish that I was talented enough to get you to feel what I am right now, because it is one of the most lovely expressions of a soul that I believe is possibly out there in an ethereal existence. Now I see where Willy Wonka had issues. The feeling right now is one of soft anticipation on a summer night for the next day when you are going to do things with people that you know love you and that you can have a good time with, unmarred by drama or anything like that. THAT is a small part of what I am feeling right now. The completely contentment followed by a subtle excitement because you know good things are coming your way.

The music that I'm listening to is utterly ideal right now. It is the Burberry acoustic stuff, and honestly it is perfect. My dad was bored at work the other day and sent them to me...I'm trying to find a semi-legal way to download them all but to no avail. We'll figure something out.

This last weekend I went up into the mountains for the night with some friends. It was one of the most incredible times I can remember. The mountains themselves were beautiful, but they were completely transformed at night. We went up to the lake there at night (because we were going to do something...but lightning changed those plans). It was a blue moon and stormy. The mountains were illuminated in the light and made the most awe-inspiring backdrop. When the moon shone, you could see every feature on everyone's face. You could also see your own shadow. Someone said something about how they didn't know how people could say that there was not a creator. I second that. How can you not say that there is something after death when you see something like that and your heart yearns for something that you do not know or remember? Your soul is telling your body something. It is yearning for home. I believe that when you get those butterflies and soaring feelings in your stomach that you are experiencing something like what heaven was, that your soul recognizes some aspect of the moment and it makes you suddenly homesick.

The next day I was feeling a little bit lost, and so I started doing my own stuff up there in the mountains. There is a rock there that we would go to, so I decided that I'd go on a walk up there by myself. (everyone else was playing a game). It has started to rain, and there is something about rain that I find so intoxicating. Rain permeates every bit of my existence and it happens regardless of whether I am wet or not. [I have gotten my brother as hooked as me. One time this summer when I was back home it started to pour. I suddenly was like "Does anyone want to go out and play with me?" so he came and had a hurt foot so I would carry him into the puddles and stuff with him on my back. We had SO much fun. The next time it rained, he was practically chomping at the bit to get me out there so we could play again. One of my favorite moments this summer.] So I walked to this rock and it started to get darker and rain harder. I was with my friend's dog (she just went with me. didn't need a leash or anything!) and she could tell a storm was a brewing so she started heading back. But i kept going and stood on the edge and looked out at the canyon. The storm was traveling through the mountains and it must have been one of the most beautiful sights in the world right then. At that moment, there was no where else that I would rather be. Everything was lost in the echo of rain in the trees and the thunder rolling over pine-covered ranges. It started to realllly rain so I started walking back to the cabin. As I went back, I just felt so alive. I don't know if I have ever felt that alive, at least for a long time. I just wanted to scream, laugh, cry, and shout all at the same time. THe feeling of power and freedom was almost overwhelming to the point that I opened my mouth to scream but thought the better of it. Needless to say it was amazing.

I'm going to try something new this semester. I'm going to have confidence. I am going to wear all the bohemian things that I never thought I could carry off. I'm going to ROCK IT. Life is going to be great. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people think. Because who cares? Not I.

I'm going to head to bed now, listening to some more acoustic stuff. I just wanted to say that I've got another Dexter, just like in the book too (minus the drugs and sex). But I don't think it will quite work out that way. I am glad to have him as a friend, and he is one of the few people who I think could actually hurt me. There are a few out there, but I really care about his opinion. (Dang it. I've tried to not.) If he isn't telling the truth this time, I might not be able to bounce back from that one. (Friendship wise.) Fingers crossed. But I don't know whether to hold out for this one and to trust him again or to just face reality that he is just playing along to get me to stop talking...what is my mythological paradigm in this situation? Hm. It was because we were best friends. But he has moved on now and so have I. And I feel completely okay with that.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Thank U, India

Alanis Morissette has been speaking to my life lately (if you can't tell by the post headers). For some reason her voice is just salve to the soul.

I figured out why writing yesterday didn't work for writing. I was not ready to be honest. I wasn't ready to feel. There were so many different feelings that I did not want to address, but honestly that is the only way to regain clarity. I'm not saying that tonight will be a flood of frankness, but we'll just have to wait and see how I do.

OH. Random insert from the song I'm listening to..."How 'bout remembering your divinity? How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?". Beautiful.

I love going on adventures. I love doing it spontaneously. I HATE when the adventure is decided for me. I hate when the adventure leads to somewhere I know. I hate when the adventure involves people that I know already. I hate when the adventure is completely planned out and all I have to do is show up. But that is the adventure that I'll be embarking on at the end of this week. The thing that sucks is that I feel like I'm just pacing the cage. I don't have enough time to do something crazy because that'd be irresponsible and I should be packing or something insane like that. But it is enough time to feel completely useless. My family moves on without me and I am stuck right here where I've always seemed to exist which is in my own world which revolves opposite to that of everyone else. I am in a limbo that will not release itself until I get on that plane and it really begins. Until then I am a shadow of what I could be because I do not have the space to express myself. The deadline is suffocating me and leaving me no choice but to pace the cage.

Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm going to end up...but this is like the waiting period before ripping a band-aid off, or before you get a shot, or when you are in the dentists office and you know your teeth are feeling extra sensitive. The pit of your stomach kind of aches because it knows that change is coming. No matter how much you like change and embrace it, there will be some ounce of your being that will despise it for a second or so at least. That is what makes us human. We have this great thing called the unknown and we have to face it.

I'd like to send out into the Universe a quick apology. I am sorry that I have not been looking at the stars as much as I should. I need to be doing that more because I've been forgetting, and thanks to that my chi is all out of whack. There used to be those nights when I'd just stretch out on my car roof and look at the stars and be inspired by the incredible heights to which they rise. But, I have become someone who hardly looks at the heavens any more. That changes. Now.

Alright, now I'm going to get into the honesty part. It might get messy. Feel free to go read some other drivel or change windows or tabs because this is real. This is me. And that is what scares me the most. This is one adventure that is full of the unknown and it holds the key to a bigger world if I'm brave enough to stick it out...I'm not so sure that I am.

I am sorry. To all of you who are here at home, I have not been social. AT ALL. I kept saying that we should hang out, and I meant it. But I didn't try as hard as I should have to actually get together. I feel especially bad for bailing out on so many people at the last moment. You know who you are. And I'm sorry. It was cowardly and, for lack of a better word, it was lame. I know I gave you reasons for why I couldn't go or meet up...and it was pretty true I guess. But none of those were the real reason. I am scared of you. Scared to death that I'll want to go back to the old me because that is who you know me as. You have so much influence over me that I don't know if I'd be able to stay strong and remain as the character that I have found myself maturing into. I am also afraid of making connections because I am scared of change in people. I am afraid that you will change, that I will change, that our connection will be falsified. That it will be based on something that does not exist. That you really don't care. That you don't want to get to know me and it is all pity.

My insecurities have kept me from having fun. And that is a really, really big shame. I need to work on so many things. This last year at school taught me that I can have fun and become friends with people. I can open up online but am not so good at that in person. But I'm working on it, and thank you for bearing with me. You are all such good people that I don't deserve the patience that you have shown me. I keep sticking it back at you and never giving. Thanks for seeing the me that is underneath all this change and insecurity. You have seen the essence of who I am and you put up with the rest of me for it.  Thank you. If you are wondering who you are, it is to all of those who have gotten to know me and yet you still want to talk again.

Thank U.

How 'bout remembering your divinity?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Jagged Little Pill

Well, hello!

The summer has come and gone and everything has happened all too fast. Like always, I have more things to say than I can write right now. At least I think so. I want to do the typical "me" thing and cover it all right now, but by doing so I always seem to miss out on the big things. So forgive me if I'm a little scatter-brained.

Life is completely incredible. I forget sometimes just how amazing it is. There is this show, Pushing Daisies, which has to be one of the best shows ever to have gone into production (except for Psych, Monk, 30 Rock, Gilmore Girls, Friends, and The Tick). And on that show there is this girl who is absolutely the bomb and is so cool that I wish I could be like her. Her name is Chuck. Anyways, the Pie-Maker falls in love with her (again) [oh and he is my ideal companion for life and the beyond because he is everything anyone could ever want...minus the muscles]. She said this one phrase that I loved and it was "I feel so lucky to live somewhere where there is a sun-dappled anything."

Isn't that so true? I am so happy I can live in a world that allows things to be dappled by the sun and for beautiful words like dappled to exist. Words can do amazing things.

And for those of you poor souls who were confused by my mentioning of a short-lived and understated television program entitled The Tick, here is a little clip to enlighten your minds.


I will be back later, when I am not so exhausted and when I actually remember the things that I have to say.

Forgive my gratuitous use of youtube videos, but this last one is my spirit animal.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Oh, Take Me Back to the Start

Just to let you know, I am still going to be writing for myself on here. I know that some people read it, but I do just want to write for me. If you like it, then we will just count that as a bonus. But I'm not trying to impress, wow, or inspire. Really, I just want to write about a person trying to live her life the best that she knows how and needs a place for her words to be heard and recorded in the vast expanse of the internet. She just wants to know that her existence is marked somewhere in the world. I have a site all my own, it makes me feel bigger. It is like I have a place to call my own that makes me matter, it makes me important.

We are human. We feel the desire to be wanted and loved. In order to do that we feel like we have to be normal. The media tells us that in order to be loveable and wanted that you need to be unique. But you cannot be too unique because then you are weird and no one wants someone who is weird. But you cannot be too normal because then you do not stand out in the crowd. How are you supposed to grow up and be grounded in a world like this?

There are so many things that I do because I think it will make me normal. Being home, I've noticed it more so. I make tea or something like it every night because it makes me feel like I have a routine. Something that I like to do is think in images, as though everything I do is a snapshot in some scrapbook that exists only in my mind. I see myself sipping tea, curled up on the couch in my sweatpants, and I think "that is normal". I feel like Meg Ryan and she is normal and I like it. When that happens, it is easier to ignore all of the strange things going on in my head. And there are many. This makes me feel that in some alternate universe I can live and thrive in a normal society. Also, it gives me time to sit in the kitchen alone and cry. Crying is not because it is sad, sometimes it is because that is just the way that things go, but I cry recently because it is a release for emotions.

Tonight I cried because my new job is stressful, I am not getting my old one done, and nothing is going the way I planned. There are so many things that I keep failing on, that I just can't get right. I cannot keep track of the blogs and I am too tired to really sit down and get them done. Maybe I'll just have to up the meds, we'll see. But that is one major thing that I'm not doing right. I need to pay for school next year. Mom and Dad have done more than enough and as of right now, I am not in debt and I would like to keep it that way. I'm hitting the gym everyday and that makes me feel great. I'm finally starting to feel good about my body, and that seems to be the one thing that I can control in my life. It also allows me to get out of the house, other than going to work. Independence, even in theory, is a beautiful thing.

But I just kind of sort of broke down tonight. I feel so unwanted and alone some times. There are people who try to get to know me, and I really appreciate it. They make an effort to like me as a person, but somehow it just never quite works out. There is always something about me that people find off-putting, but they try to put it behind them. But that little funny thing keeps popping up.

There is a huge amount of me that no one will ever get. I cannot think about anyone who would ever really understand where I am coming from or make me feel like where I was coming from mattered in some insignificant way. My dad kind of beat that dead horse tonight when he told me that we, as ADDers, have these great imaginations and anectdotes but they really aren't that great and let's be real and understand that no one cares. I wasn't upset because that was news to me, it upset me because I knew that it was true and I just do not have anything else to do. No one, and that means no one, wants to hear my stories. It is a truth universally acknowledged that I am a better listener than story teller, but sometimes I just need someone to listen and make me feel like my puny existence makes this world even a little better. Not even that much, just that it does not make the world worse. Thank you Dad for reminding me of that painfully real fact. "Dear Emily, no one cares. No one cares to understand. You will live forever in your mind and no one can comprehend how different it is in there than out here."

This is a long week, so this post is showing it. Just some thought that I want to add is from the hymn, "How Great Thou Art". This is one of my favorite hymns. I've learned a new meaning to the line "Oh Lord, My God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made..." The worlds exist on this planet, each person sees the world differently. They create their own world that is based on the surroundings they find themselves living in.