Wednesday, February 15, 2012

We Had Today

There is nothing more beautiful than being outside when snow begins to fall. A time will come when I will no longer be enchanted by the snow, but that time is not now. Nor do I expect that it will be here shortly. My walk tonight transcended into aestheticism at one point.

Since it was Valentine's Day there were couples absolutely everywhere (more than usual for here). I walked past people saying goodbye on fire escapes and telling the other how much they loved them. Just to clarify, I wasn't creeping. I was merely observing in a third party omniscient sort of way. But there was one guy who gave a girl this bracelet. They embraced just as it was beginning to snow and just as I was walking past them, it could not have been timed better. It was then that I realized something.

I was not jealous of these couples. The media and even the people around me would think that is so weird. But I didn't wish that I had what they did. Strange thought because it is 2/14 and you are supposed to either wallow in sorrow because for yet another year you are alone and will forever be so. Either that or you are locked in the embrace of a loved one. If that is not you, then that sucks and no one knows where to put you.

Well, my dear World, find me somewhere. I was not jealous of the couples partly because I don't know what it is like. Yeah, I have had a relationship before but it is not the same. I was not honest in that relationship and that has to be one of my biggest regrets. I didn't tell the truth and I did not act in a truthful manner. I hated that relationship because of it. I have felt guilty for the longest time and only now realized why. He was a great guy and deserved so much better than that, I think that I did what I did because I knew that. I could never be good enough to deserve someone like that and therefore I had to become someone else. I said things that I didn't mean and tried to force myself to feel things that had no purpose being in my soul. I learned the hard way that the mind is like the Genie in Aladdin, it cannot force someone to love someone else. They have to do it on their own, without forcing it. It is a natural process and therefore it cannot be made synthetically by man, no matter how hard they try.

I never felt safe in that relationship. I was lost and did not know where to go next. Everything was forced, at least on my end. Therefore, I don't know what it is like to be in a functional relationship. I don't envy the couples here because I really don't know what I'm missing out on. Blissfully ignorant, right? I look at that and think, "I should want what they have." So I try to fabricate those feelings of want and desire for someone like that, and I find that I just don't come up with anything. I'm not jealous.

I am also not old enough to be feeling like this. I don't mean age wise, I mean maturity wise. There is so much development that I need to go through so that I can be ready for a relationship. As of right now, I feel I would be unsteady, awkward, and just weird if I were to be in any sort of romantic relationship. I am not even close to being to that point emotionally. I'm a fling sort of girl. I know how to handle those short, flirty relationships, but I think that I might be physically incapable of moving on past that point. By physically incapable, I mean that I've never really done that. I scare people off before that point is ever reached. Their loss.

I passed all the couples and walked up my hill and just stood in the middle of the sidewalk and watched the snow fall. I think I might have been in the same position for a good three minutes with my eyes closed and face turned upwards to the sky. The flakes fell slowly, almost deliberately floating to various places on my body and the sidewalk. I felt as though they were helping me to begin again. Helping me to commit to becoming a better me. There are always improvements to be made, but I feel as though I am constantly slipping backwards, never progressing towards my end goal. This has been such a humbling experience for me, I am lost in classes for once in my life and I am getting well below a 4.0. I feel so average here, lost in the sea of beauty queens and football captains. Walking in the snow like that reminds me that I am great, that I have a purpose that I was created for, that I am worth it.

The stars make me long to be up in the sky, to fly, to see, to know the feeling of exhilaration that accompanies it. There is something greater that reminds me how small I am and yet I play a key part in the scheme of everything. Okay, I'm falling asleep while writing this, so we'll see if I finish it at a later date or something.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite

This is the third time I'm starting this post. I keep writing it to people, directing it at them, but it is not for them. This post is for me. This blog is for me. Forgive me if that sounds selfish, but if you believe that I am indeed selfish then you greatly misunderstand me. A bit. I am not being selfish because I never said that this blog would be anything but mine. My thoughts, feelings, impressions, and musings. If you were under any other impression, then I am greatly sorry. I never meant to share it with you and therefore I am not being selfish if I keep it all to myself.

Now to truly begin again. This time it feels right. I am writing this lying in bed with my pillows all around me. Settling in for the night. I have already had my cup of tea and watched an episode of Downton. I will wake up early tomorrow so that I can accomplish all that I need to, and it seems as though there is a lot. But this week has been one of the most wonderfully bright that I have had in a very long time. I have enjoyed almost every second of it. It all started Sunday. I woke up early, made some tea and watched an episode of Downton. Then I decided that I wanted to do something before church and so I hiked into the canyon and over to where Avalanche Pass begins. It had snowed and so I didn't want to go any further or else I'd hurt myself and fall down the mountain or something. I got home as church started and so I showed up a little late. I accomplished a couple of other things that all contributed to Sunday being an awesome day, but I can't remember. Other than talking with my family, which was fun!

Monday was great. I skyped with one of my best friends for a couple hours (and skipped FHE...whoops. Worth it.). And I really want to talk about that, but won't. It just doesn't seem right.

Anyways, that has kept me going almost all week. I've just felt really good about everything. People say "Hey Emily!" as I'm walking around campus and it's been a Hall&Oats "You Make My Dreams" kind of day almost everyday. This semester has been absolutely beautiful.

I was also going to write about how I feel guilty about a couple things, but I will let that sentence suffice as far as that subject goes. Just know that I am sorry. But the people I'm apologizing to will never find this blog, so I don't know what makes me feel better.

I'm just going to include something that is a little embarrassing that I wrote the other night.

When I walk, it is because I just need to get away. I need to be with people who understand me. I can’t talk to normal people sometimes. I don’t mean that I’m better than them, I am just different. Sometimes I just want to talk and have people listen. But there is no one like that but the stars.

So I walk. And I walk. And I walk. My feet know where to go. The know exactly where I need to go. One time it was up a tree, another it was to a bench. I just walk because it is not the destination that matters. I will continue to go farther if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The stars keep good company. I do not even have to speak my thoughts for them to understand where I am coming from. There is no misunderstanding with them, just a misunderstanding of self. Sometimes I feel as though I simply need to observe humanity as opposed to being a part of it. I don’t know that I have ever felt a part of it. I am just looking for someone that shares the same distance. Or maybe what I need is someone who has no distance and can teach me how to live and feel. I exist. A thinking machine. I can’t cry anymore, no matter how hard I try. I don’t feel friendship or loss. I laugh but it can be a transient, empty sound. I don’t know how to act around people anymore. Where do I go from here? I need to get out. And so I walk.

I need movement, I need change. This is the hardest part of the journey for me, the pitstops. Who cares where I am going as long as I enjoy the trip there? I tend to lose sight of things when we stop to rest, though. So I climb up to the tallest branch I dare in order to get perspective. So I can see how small the city is when compared to the mountain and how small the mountain when compared to the sky. And how I am smaller than it all. One tiny little speck, smaller than whoville.

I keep wanting to hear a knock on the door and have it be you. I see the cars drive past and think, “What if it were you and you were driving past, saw me, and understood that this is more important than anything? What if you stopped for me? What if you looked outside of your small world and you let me expand it? What if...what if… what if”

I am alone. I am not lonely, but I am alone. I’m going to go for a walk again. Go with me? But if you have nothing of value to say or think, or if you feel it would be awkward or weird, then you are not invited on the walk. You must stay home. Or go another way. I take the deep, curvy route and get lost. You can take the straight and proper, but I’ll take the dirt and underbrush. I’ll step in puddles of mud just to get dirty because it makes me feel as though I am a real person. It makes me feel alive. I sleep without a pillow because I can imagine that I am sleeping on the ground and then I feel a connection to the earth while I am fifty feet above it. I walk barefoot just so I can feel the dirt squish between my toes. The smudges it leaves are reminders that I have lived.
Last Song Scene:

I am so anti-social tonight, but I really do not see that as a loss on my part. I would only come across as superficial and silly. I would not be able to be myself. I can be myself here in my bed, writing and such and watching Downton Abbey. I’ve never seen it before, but I’ve heard plenty of good things about it. The youtube clip above is from Last Song, which I have not seen and which I do not wish to see. The thing that kills me is that I want that. I want someone to kiss me like that. Nothing less. (I will take more…) The way his hands were large and manly with some knobbley knuckles was something I love. The way they fit underneath her hair. How he scooped her up and after kissing her quite thoroughly told her that she was not like other girls. I can only dream about the kind of guy I’ll have.

I am so afraid that he is going to be awkward and embarrassing. That the will be the kind of guy that no one else would want, except me because I would convince myself that I love him. He won’t want to travel and will be extremely proud. He will be set in his ways and will not cut his fingernails.

I keep thinking that because I think that he’ll be perfect. There are so many different ways that I can mess things up by thinking about it. I think that he will be tall, muscular, and at least weight more than me. But strong. His thighs may be the same size as mine, but they are more muscular than anything. He can carry me. He loves to travel and doesn’t need anything more than the clothes on his back to be happy. I will be so completely and incandescantly happy. I will love him more than my own life. I cannot believe that it could happen to me. I do not feel as though I am important enough or anything to believe that I could have that.

Someone who likes to garden, likes curry, watches Pride and Prejudice with me, and likes to read. I can go with someone who doesn’t play music but someone who doesn’t read makes me almost sick. Let some sort of a person exist. Someone I'm as comfortable with as I am with You. And someone as handsome as You are. And who has a smile as good and rewarding as Yours.

That is all I wrote the other night. I was going to edit some stuff out, but I didn't. I don't care if you read it and judge me because it is me. I do feel those feelings and I would be dishonest if I didn't include them. Judge all you want. But I am just expressing myself. There is something so beautiful about pure expression. If you're wondering who 'You' is, well that is a post for another day. I know who it is and he would never watch Pride&Prejudice...The problem is that he might, just because he knows that I like it. That kills me because I can't like you. Here is the deciding factor: You don't like to travel. That automatically rules you out of any long term romantic relationship with me. Let's just stay best friends forever? I would love nothing more than that. You could be the actual Dex to my Emma, except our story turns out a little differently. One because you never would have liked me and if you did you were not obvious like he was. Also, my Emma is not as desperate and she likes to travel. And hike. And camp. And you don't like to. So best friends we shall stay.

I'm listening to "Mary Mae and Bobby" by Joe Purdy, and I LOVE that song. Almost as much as I love "Lime Tree". Just thought you'd like to know.

Bed is calling to me. The writer in me wants to continue but the rest of me is kicking the writer part in the butt so that I can sleep and such. Sometime I'll have to write about my dream last night. It was so ethereal.

ANYWAYS. Goodnight, goodnight. I hope your week has been as good as mine.