Wednesday, February 15, 2012

We Had Today

There is nothing more beautiful than being outside when snow begins to fall. A time will come when I will no longer be enchanted by the snow, but that time is not now. Nor do I expect that it will be here shortly. My walk tonight transcended into aestheticism at one point.

Since it was Valentine's Day there were couples absolutely everywhere (more than usual for here). I walked past people saying goodbye on fire escapes and telling the other how much they loved them. Just to clarify, I wasn't creeping. I was merely observing in a third party omniscient sort of way. But there was one guy who gave a girl this bracelet. They embraced just as it was beginning to snow and just as I was walking past them, it could not have been timed better. It was then that I realized something.

I was not jealous of these couples. The media and even the people around me would think that is so weird. But I didn't wish that I had what they did. Strange thought because it is 2/14 and you are supposed to either wallow in sorrow because for yet another year you are alone and will forever be so. Either that or you are locked in the embrace of a loved one. If that is not you, then that sucks and no one knows where to put you.

Well, my dear World, find me somewhere. I was not jealous of the couples partly because I don't know what it is like. Yeah, I have had a relationship before but it is not the same. I was not honest in that relationship and that has to be one of my biggest regrets. I didn't tell the truth and I did not act in a truthful manner. I hated that relationship because of it. I have felt guilty for the longest time and only now realized why. He was a great guy and deserved so much better than that, I think that I did what I did because I knew that. I could never be good enough to deserve someone like that and therefore I had to become someone else. I said things that I didn't mean and tried to force myself to feel things that had no purpose being in my soul. I learned the hard way that the mind is like the Genie in Aladdin, it cannot force someone to love someone else. They have to do it on their own, without forcing it. It is a natural process and therefore it cannot be made synthetically by man, no matter how hard they try.

I never felt safe in that relationship. I was lost and did not know where to go next. Everything was forced, at least on my end. Therefore, I don't know what it is like to be in a functional relationship. I don't envy the couples here because I really don't know what I'm missing out on. Blissfully ignorant, right? I look at that and think, "I should want what they have." So I try to fabricate those feelings of want and desire for someone like that, and I find that I just don't come up with anything. I'm not jealous.

I am also not old enough to be feeling like this. I don't mean age wise, I mean maturity wise. There is so much development that I need to go through so that I can be ready for a relationship. As of right now, I feel I would be unsteady, awkward, and just weird if I were to be in any sort of romantic relationship. I am not even close to being to that point emotionally. I'm a fling sort of girl. I know how to handle those short, flirty relationships, but I think that I might be physically incapable of moving on past that point. By physically incapable, I mean that I've never really done that. I scare people off before that point is ever reached. Their loss.

I passed all the couples and walked up my hill and just stood in the middle of the sidewalk and watched the snow fall. I think I might have been in the same position for a good three minutes with my eyes closed and face turned upwards to the sky. The flakes fell slowly, almost deliberately floating to various places on my body and the sidewalk. I felt as though they were helping me to begin again. Helping me to commit to becoming a better me. There are always improvements to be made, but I feel as though I am constantly slipping backwards, never progressing towards my end goal. This has been such a humbling experience for me, I am lost in classes for once in my life and I am getting well below a 4.0. I feel so average here, lost in the sea of beauty queens and football captains. Walking in the snow like that reminds me that I am great, that I have a purpose that I was created for, that I am worth it.

The stars make me long to be up in the sky, to fly, to see, to know the feeling of exhilaration that accompanies it. There is something greater that reminds me how small I am and yet I play a key part in the scheme of everything. Okay, I'm falling asleep while writing this, so we'll see if I finish it at a later date or something.

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