Tuesday, April 26, 2011

You know where to find me.

Tonight is a Jack's mannequin night. I'm hovering somewhere in the limbo of confusion that exists between joy and pain. I feel neither, but instead am experiencing a strange mixture of the diluted versions of both. Maybe it comes with being a senior? But I'm sure a goodly amount of it is just me.

So I find myself curled up and writing.

Writing for sanity, clarity, and peace. What gives me peace is knowing that someone out there, I don't know who, will read this. That alone gives me comfort. I don't tell people about my blog, I don't post it to sites saying "Read this" or anything. This blog is for me and the people who know about it are those who either stumble across it or know me enough to learn I have one, or actively searched for it. For you, I am grateful.

Why do I keep drawing blanks when I want to write? It is just one of those nights I guess.

High school is almost over for me, and that realization caused me to look back on all my years of schooling. I've been to a catholic school, international school, I've been home schooled, and in addition to that I've been to three other public schools and now I'm settled. I never thought that when we moved back that we would stay. I didn't try to make friends because I didn't think that I'd need any. It seemed logical that we'd move somewhere and the people here would continue on with their lives and forget. But no. Here we stayed.

I've started and restarted this post so I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to write about, because usually I find something and settle into it know that it is what I'm meant to post. Tonight I had no such feeling, my thoughts are scattered but in a thousand different directions so that I can't tell the main place to focus. What I'm thinking: deciding on a prom dress, what I really want for my birthday is for people to write me letters that I can keep and read over and over and put in my memory box, AP tests are a bit stressful, improv show, ... the list goes on and on. But in a few weeks I will be free from all restraint, hello freedom. Hello life. I shall welcome you back shortly!

In the meantime, I need my sleep. If you read all the way to here, thank you. I just realized exactly what I need, someone to talk to. Not like I talk and they listen. But someone to have an active and equal conversation with about ideas, not just people. If you're up for it, just let me know.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Walls are caving in

If you play the song "Caves" by Jack's Mannequin while reading this, you will have found the perfect accompaniment. This is not a sad post. Hopefully. I'm thinking it will be more reflective and down to earth. It's late. The weather is perfect. And I'm listening to caves. It all leads to thoughts that fall hard like anvil raindrops. Despite the fact that it sounds like a bad indie band, that is the best analogy I can think of.

These thoughts are somehow hitting hard today and unexpectedly. They fall without regard as to where or when. I wish I had the talent to put what I'm thinking into music. Such a beautiful tableau when someone is enveloped in the music and is bent over the piano, creating something beautiful and straight from their heart to yours. No middleman, just pure and unadulterated pain, love, sorrow, loss, joy, and utter humanity transferred directly to that cavity you carry in your heart for those magical moments to fill.

But I am not a musician. This small plebeian will have to duke it out using words and world wide web.

Yet, now that I'm actually here I don't know what to write about. I want to thank my friends for being such great people and inspiring me as we've hung out this week. But that doesn't seem right. Somehow I always settle into a topic that feels right, I just need to find this one.

Friends? No. Family? No. College? Not really. The fact that I'm leaving? Nope. My birthday is in five days? Not even close. What am I supposed to write about? The transient nature of human life? Hah.

Simplicity. Peace. Being. Ah, there you are. This is something that has been on my mind for a good long while. And there it will likely stay for years to come. I've been trying to work on simplifying things. My room, my schedule, schoolwork, everything. Since we didn't go anywhere this break, I didn't get the same cleansing experience I usually do. Whenever we go to the Carolinas I always come back feeling more at home with myself and position in life in relation to myself and others. I get away from technology and I feel great. But this year I had no such luck. I almost felt as if I was tied to my phone. I've found myself longing for the beaches of Eddisto and Okracoke. Just sitting there. I was always at home there.

I like to find peace in the simple things in life. I'm just about the lowest maintenance personality out there, or at least I like to think so. Give me a backpack, food, and clothing and I'll be happy. I rarely worry about things, that is what gives me a greater view of life than my peers, other than being LDS, there is something else. "Don't sweat the small stuff".

I really have been thinking about this, ever since I saw Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to go to India with her so bad, to be able to look that deep inside yourself and find that inner peace, that is a chance in a lifetime. Someday that will be me. I know it.

Anyways, it's past the time I usually go to sleep. Good night and happy easter.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Oh those summer nights

This is going to be a super quick post. I'm exhausted and at this point it is very late. Considering the week I just had, at least.

Tonight is a beautiful night for thinking. Today I did nothing but that, think. About everything.

I sat out on the stage for a good while contemplating the fact that my high school career is quickly coming to a close. "And with it, all our dreams." It is wild that pretty soon I'll be off doing my own thing. Tickets have been bought, rooms reserved, now all I have to do is get there.

I want to thank everyone that I worked with last week, you guys are amazing. I didn't think I was going to miss anyone this much after meeting them so soon. Everyone from freshman up to seniors, I loved last week and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Only a few more weeks. I can't quite believe it.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I am the sun and the air

Let me begin by saying that I apologize too much. I had a friend point that out to me the other day, and I agree completely. SO from here on out, no apologies. Just me and my thoughts. Read at your own risk, I regret nothing.

Something that I keep wanting to write about happened a few nights ago. The weather was absolutely perfect. During the day I'd sat out on my driveway in the warmth and the breeze and did some work. It must have been in the 70s that day. It was glorious!

ANYWAYS. that night I had rehearsal and when it ended and I walked outside, I knew that there was no way I could let that night go without doing something. Anything. So, I get in my car, turn up the Smiths, and start driving. I find myself going towards this lake. I park and walk down to it and I'm completely alone. The stars are out, the breeze is blowing, and it is still in the solid 70s. I go down to the pier area and I just observe the night. There was thunder rolling in the distance, geese honking, airplanes, etc...Then within all that chaos I found peace. I stood there in the grass overlooking the water and I felt as though I was ten feet tall and could do anything. The world was at my fingertips. At that moment, I settled more into myself and understood more of who I am.

Then it started to rain. It was light drizzle and was enough to make me catch my breath because of the beauty of the scene. For a long time I stood there in the rain just trying to remember it. Store it in my brain forever. Soon enough the rain let up and I was left there just to ponder. I thought about a lot of things. College and how excited I am to be going. Scholarships. The musical. People. And how happy I am with the place I'm in.

Due to my late hours, this is all I have. Sampai jumpa.