Tuesday, April 26, 2011

You know where to find me.

Tonight is a Jack's mannequin night. I'm hovering somewhere in the limbo of confusion that exists between joy and pain. I feel neither, but instead am experiencing a strange mixture of the diluted versions of both. Maybe it comes with being a senior? But I'm sure a goodly amount of it is just me.

So I find myself curled up and writing.

Writing for sanity, clarity, and peace. What gives me peace is knowing that someone out there, I don't know who, will read this. That alone gives me comfort. I don't tell people about my blog, I don't post it to sites saying "Read this" or anything. This blog is for me and the people who know about it are those who either stumble across it or know me enough to learn I have one, or actively searched for it. For you, I am grateful.

Why do I keep drawing blanks when I want to write? It is just one of those nights I guess.

High school is almost over for me, and that realization caused me to look back on all my years of schooling. I've been to a catholic school, international school, I've been home schooled, and in addition to that I've been to three other public schools and now I'm settled. I never thought that when we moved back that we would stay. I didn't try to make friends because I didn't think that I'd need any. It seemed logical that we'd move somewhere and the people here would continue on with their lives and forget. But no. Here we stayed.

I've started and restarted this post so I could figure out what it is that I'm supposed to write about, because usually I find something and settle into it know that it is what I'm meant to post. Tonight I had no such feeling, my thoughts are scattered but in a thousand different directions so that I can't tell the main place to focus. What I'm thinking: deciding on a prom dress, what I really want for my birthday is for people to write me letters that I can keep and read over and over and put in my memory box, AP tests are a bit stressful, improv show, ... the list goes on and on. But in a few weeks I will be free from all restraint, hello freedom. Hello life. I shall welcome you back shortly!

In the meantime, I need my sleep. If you read all the way to here, thank you. I just realized exactly what I need, someone to talk to. Not like I talk and they listen. But someone to have an active and equal conversation with about ideas, not just people. If you're up for it, just let me know.

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