Friday, April 12, 2013

Little Black Rain Cloud

I've never been the kind of person to ever be an Eeyore, but if you were to ask me what I am right now, I'd have to say, "I'm a little black rain cloud, of course."

There are many, MANY choice things I would like to say right now. Some of it pertains to quite a bit of sass I have been receiving from people as of late. I just don't appreciate it when I do not give any reason to deserve it. Granted, sometimes I do but this is not one of those times. All I did was ask a simple question and you just gave me more sass than the little spoiled cheerleader that cheered my brother 3rd grade football team, that may not sound like much but you never knew her. I haven't said two words to you all week, excuse me. AND WHO KEEPS EATING MY FOOD?!? Okay, I shouldn't rant blog because that gets me in trouble. I'm just a wee bit fed up with some things. So in order to diffuse some of this frustration so that I can find some cathartic state, I'll do something kind of like what I did before, I'll use pictures to describe what I'm thinking and such. That helps me to think on multiple planes at once; this multilateral thinking helps me to find some sense of clarity.

 This picture reminds me of the time when I found clarity on the top of a building under construction here in town. I technically wasn't supposed to be there and somehow I ended up there again. The building was the tabernacle and, for those of you who don't know, it is under construction. I went there once and some people already knew that. But no one knows that I went back simply because I found that state of construction incredible. This building is all brick, the inside is gutted and empty, and the spaces where the windows used to be allow for the moon to shine through onto the floor unfiltered. The effect is pure, unencumbered grandeur. It was stunning. It was all I could do not to dance across that dirt floor, that floor was somehow more precious and elegant to me than any polished marble floor ever could be. Somehow it was more sacred because of the way the light touched it, moonlight doesn't have the same effect on stone. I climbed to the top of the scaffolding and could just look. I saw a building that allowed me to feel connected to the earth, that is rare. Laying down and looking up at the stars with the spires of the building as a frame was absolutely incredible.

This is my favorite painting. I just came across it again, and realized just how much I love it. Just look at it, HOW PERFECT IS IT?! This is what I want. Or part of what I want. Brace yourself because all anyone ever talks to me about is relationships and any overheard conversation is about relationships SO it is obviously something that through association has been on my mind. But, anyways. This is what I want. Someone who will dance with me while barefoot on a beach. Most people would say that is fine when it's a sunny day. No. Give me rain, give me something like this that forces you to throw away all that you hold up in the sun. If you think that a beach is prettiest in the sun, then you have never seen one in the rain. It is my favorite place in the world at the moment I am there. I wouldn't go anywhere else. Although, that could just be my personality. I have a friend who told me this weekend, "Emily, you said you could be happy there but you could be happy anywhere! Whatever you do you will love it because you find something to love about everything!" Yup. I guess I just like to find a way to dwell in everything I do. (it's a philosophical term that is pretty cool, you should look it up)

Again, on the relationship strain. I have issues where I am incredibly cynical when it comes to my own relationships and such and I am a hopeless romantic whenever anyone else is concerned. Today I had a friend tell me that he is so excited to get married, and I never have been, honestly. I've never met anyone who makes me want to think differently. I see happy people and I believe that it is possible, a happy marriage is completely possible! But, it's one of those things where "that is nice for you but it just isn't for me". And that sounds really depressing, but that is just the way it is for me. If you don't like it, then stop reading. My self-worth is not founded on relationships, I'm too much of a lone reed for that to be. While sometimes I would like to put that trust in other people, I find that I am a better listener than talker. I enjoy listening more than talking. Everyone else has a more interesting story than mine, I can always learn from their point of view and I love it! Anywho, back on track about the picture. I want to someday find someone who would love a place like this just as much as I would. It is perfect. But I can't picture that person, so I enjoy it on my own. There is a quote that fits this: my alone is so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude. Yup.

GUYS. I'm going to INDIA this fall. My life has been tied to India for as long as I can remember, and my dream of going is finally coming true and I honestly can't believe it at all. I am going to study meditation! I just cannot get over how incredible this is. I had no idea a month ago that this was even possible and now I am finally passionate about things again. I am finding purpose in life and in everything: friendships, school, work, etc. I am no longer comfortably numb. I am excited and I feel things once again. While it sucks to an extent, I am alive. I'll be finding out what my red rubber ball is and I can find something that I am passionate enough about to do the rest of my life. Life has so much in store for me that I don't know, I can't wait to find out what will happen!
It has honestly been too long since I was excited about things. I can think again, I feel like me, and I am able to find joy in the little things. I don't care if I sound naive  because I know where I am and I know where I stand and how I think and if that is naivety then I embrace it will everything I have. Bring me life, bring me sorrow, bring me experience and I will show you truth and peace and the pure and incandescent joy that experience brings. I can show you how to become absolutely human.

These next ones are just pictures that I liked and felt applied to my life in some way or another. If you wonder how they do...then just add a comment about it and I can tell you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Saltwater: Cure for Anything

This is something different.

I hope that in your lifetime you meet someone who you want to spend the whole night talking to; moving from Denny's to the library to an office to home and then to some store when you realize that you haven't eaten in hours.

I hope that you talk about the places you've been to, that you're going to, and you want to live. Because we all know they are each very different. I hope that you talk about people that you've met, those you miss and those you don't, those who have changed you and those you have not touched, those you loved and those you wish that you had.

I hope that they have read the kinds of books that you have and seen the movies you have seen so that conversation is never boring. I hope that they can show you a world that you have not seen yet and that you can do the same for them.

I hope that they like tea; when you talk through the night, I hope that you do so over a steaming cup of Earl Gray with a spoonful of sugar and some sweetened milk.

I hope that they want to change the world as much as you do. You can feel it in your bones, that fire for reform and for hope. I hope they are kindling for that fire and that you can set their bones ablaze.

I hope that you don't agree on everything, passiveness does no one any good.

Now for advice from an almost twenty year old. Based on a true story.

Never be afraid to speak the truth, you know who you are hurting and you know that they know you are honest. When you don't tell someone the truth, you are being false to yourself and to them and everyone gets hurt.

Sometimes you meet those people who you want to stay up all night talking to, and they don't feel the same way. Remember that you can never read a person's mind; maybe they do want to stay but they have other reasons that you don't know of for leaving.

People come into your life for a reason. Stop acting like God's gift to them, shut up, and learn. Observe. Ask questions and don't be afraid to break the rules you have placed upon yourself.

Make peace.

Don't be afraid to feel. Yes, I know it sucks. It "blows homeless goats", but that is beautiful. Not the goats part, the feeling part. If you open yourself up to pain then you open yourself up to a world that otherwise wouldn't exist. My motto recently is a John Green quote, "Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."

It does matter. Everything matters. If you find meaning in the little things, you will be happy. And sometimes the little things make you want to scream. To shout to the world that you are done playing, the game is rigged. And then scream. Yell till your voice grows shaky and coarse.

We will always remember those moments. Those moments when we felt alive.

Our skin buzzed with electricity, our stomach ached from possibility, and we thought our hearts would burst. Eyes wide, taking everything in. If our hands connected, we could power the entire city of Seattle. For a week.

Never stop living. Even though it is hard, you have power and that power can be used for implosion, explosion, or locomotion. Let it be the last. Do the world a favor, and live. Sound your barbaric YAWP. Let the world know YOU. ARE. HERE.

I hope you dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

I hope you tell someone you love them while they hold you in their arms.

I hope you find what makes you so excited that you could cry and that you do that, that you do whatever it takes to get to that point.

I hope you forget about me, that I fade to a distant memory that gets confused between reality and characters you've read about. Let me fade, I look best in retrospect.