Friday, June 27, 2014


Maybe it is the stars, maybe it is me using this as an avoidance strategy when my room needs to be cleaned, or maybe it is the Edge of Tomorrow (entirely appropriate given what time it is)...whatever the reason I am here, and let it be known that I make awesome decisions after midnight.

Something I was doing a few months ago was chasing after the ghosts of tire-tracks I once knew; tire-tracks that were born of a small sense of adventure and pride, with a heaping teaspoon of hormones. I kept wanting to go back to that night when we were doing doughnuts outside that building, trying to see how black we could make the ground. Maybe if I went back to that night I could make you not hate me, make everything that followed not as frightening, I could have spoken my mind, and I could have been confident in making my mark instead of caring who was watching and what they thought. Just a few months ago, I would have gone over to that spot and stared at the asphalt until I was convinced I saw the mark of those tires and heard them screeching on the pavement. I only went back once. Once was enough to know that the mark wasn't there, we weren't the only two to drive that spot and constant traffic had eradicated our mark from that section of road.

I was left with this hollow feeling that I had hoped my pilgrimage would fill but instead it only increased depth. For a moment, I heard J. Gatsby pushing me to try to repeat the past. To reclaim those lost moments and make them what they should have been: filled with life, chances, and feeling. But I knew I couldn't go back; couldn't repeat the past. Try as I might, nothing was anything like what it could have been. Just recently have I come to realize that it is okay. It is okay that nothing quite turned out the way it could have; the past doesn't asked to be apologized for, only to be owned. To learn from your mistakes is the greatest tool to prevent other hollow pilgrimages.


The title of this post, B.S.U.R., is the first song on side B of this James Taylor record I have, and consequently it is played more than most because side B is just better. Anyways, I've been trying to come up with a blogpost for a while and all the drafts I have come up with have this sort of idea floating around it, hence B.S.U.R..


As I finish up this bag of Cinnamini Crunch, I realize that there is little I can add to this post. However, I would like to ask a question of everyone reading this: which way do you fold your origami crane? The answer could be instructions, but I'd like it to be something more than that. Answer this question in prosaic text with your eyes closed. Or just link me to wikihow. Anyways. It is late and I'm calling it a night.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

All of My Days

Here I am once again, sorry it has taken so long. Although, really I don't know who that apology goes to; I think it goes more to me than any of you who are reading it. Time has gotten away from me and I haven't had the wonderfully cathartic experience of inscribing my deepest, strangest, and most dear thoughts in any medium in a long, long time. But I might actually get something posted tonight.

I have found this incredibly perfect song: Wolves and the Ravens. "I am easy to inspire, there is little I require...I wasn't yours and you weren't mine, though I've wished from time to time we had found a common ground...through the never-ending maze where the way is seldom clear, there is no map or compass near, I drive a ship I cannot steer..." I love that. It suits the night, the moment, and who I feel I am right now.

The last few months have been really hard for me (I will be as in keeping with my honesty policy on this blog as I can). Coming back from India to a place I haven't really lived since high school was not an easy transition, although I am coming to realize that it was the transition I needed to make. Change is not always easy; I used to think it was for me. I was determined to be different, to embrace every single kind of change. I've since realized that changing of yourself is more difficult that I had ever imagined. After getting back I realized that in order to become the person I wanted to be, I was going to have to start from scratch in a sense. Before India, I had never been honest to myself or with others; there were moments and phases, yes! However, I did not consistently act in accordance with who I was or who I am so I decided to change that. I've been working on it a lot, although many of you can't tell; I am loving how it feels. I can interact in an authentic way because I am being true to the divine spark within me and leaving out anything that makes me feel like less. That was the best detox I think I could have ever done. With that honesty has come sadness, heartache, many nights spent crying because of frustration at myself wondering why I couldn't just take the easy road. I, I have taken the one less traveled by. Looking back on the last little while, I don't think that my conscience would have allowed me to act in any other way; I have always had this need to know who I am and what I am doing and to always be true to that. The hardest thing is that I've been learning how to be a person again, I've rebuilt Emily from the ground up and she has been learning to crawl and walk and talk again and it was hard; it is hard. And it will continue to be hard until the day it stops. But I have learned so much, I couldn't go back now.

I am so grateful for those who have stuck with me in patience through this hard time, and been there to listen and such when I needed it. I have learned just by being around you, thank you!

There will be more to come soon. I am hoping that I can post more often now, fingers crossed! But it is mostly for my own sanity.

Just a little reminder that I feel keenly and is echoed in V for Vendetta:

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

I salute that strength of human spirit within you that you may have forgotten about. I honor the divinity that fills your eyes when you talk or listen or smile. I give thanks for the good which you do and do not know about. I pray that you may love you as none other than yourself. Every day is the beginning of your adventure; each and every day you have the choice to become who you want to be, even if that growth is painful. I pray you have the courage to make those decisions and the fortitude to carry them out. I pray that I may be as strong as you one day.

Find peace with the world and your place in it.

Now is the time to come alive. Heaven knows I am doing my best.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Flowers in Your Hair

The night is alive tonight, the hot air is buzzing with summer satisfaction. Everyone knows that this is it, this is our youth, this is when we make the stories we tell later on. Everything becomes desperate and rushed because we don't want to waste this, we know our time is limited. tick, tick, tick. You think you'll live forever, yet you know that you only have tomorrow. It creates a frenzied fanaticism and zeal for life that will carry us on through our golden years. if we forget to light the fire now, then we know that there will be nothing but cold ashes later on.

so we burn and burn in the hopes that we don't become one of those pilot lights that softly 'pops'. We want the world to know we were here, to be singed a little from its connection with us. we want others to have our scorch marks on them because it will let us know that we honestly lived, that we made an impact on someone and that they will never forget us.

life is full of forgotten moments. or those that are only half-remembered.


so let's dream. let's allow ourselves to be vulnerable and more susceptible to burn. In dreams we drop our fronts, our masks, our offensive line. it is what stands between us and everyone else. that way we keep a part of ourselves just for us so that no one can hurt us completely. I am working on that, and it would help if everyone else was working with me. so if you read this, pay it forward and experiment by being vulnerable three times in the next little while. Inspiring other people to be vulnerable is just a possible side effect of this experiment. but I will do what I can to follow this.

That is all I have for tonight. Until next time.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Let's Tessellate

Dreams can turn from caterpillars to butterflies faster than you can blink. If you're lucky you can see the transformation. Too many people look away and suddenly se them as a butterfly. When you miss the actual transformation, then you are unable to recognize the butterfly for what it is.

I'm lucky enough to get to see it change in the cocoon, I know that it is growing wings and becoming colorful and rich even though I can't see it exactly like that.

Someday my dreams will reach into the stars in the way that I know they are meant to. My wings long to feel the moonlight on them and coast on the cool breeze. I dream of a midnight in Washington, beyond the rain clouds and above the Puget sound.

I apologize because I am like the moon: I am waxing poetic. However, I only have so much poetry and prose in me because I haven't practiced very much. But I am hoping that all changes.

I'm hoping to start writing more. This is all I have tonight.

∆Triangles are my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet.
Toe to toe, back to back, let's go
My love it's very late.
'Til morning comes, let's tessellate.∆

Friday, April 12, 2013

Little Black Rain Cloud

I've never been the kind of person to ever be an Eeyore, but if you were to ask me what I am right now, I'd have to say, "I'm a little black rain cloud, of course."

There are many, MANY choice things I would like to say right now. Some of it pertains to quite a bit of sass I have been receiving from people as of late. I just don't appreciate it when I do not give any reason to deserve it. Granted, sometimes I do but this is not one of those times. All I did was ask a simple question and you just gave me more sass than the little spoiled cheerleader that cheered my brother 3rd grade football team, that may not sound like much but you never knew her. I haven't said two words to you all week, excuse me. AND WHO KEEPS EATING MY FOOD?!? Okay, I shouldn't rant blog because that gets me in trouble. I'm just a wee bit fed up with some things. So in order to diffuse some of this frustration so that I can find some cathartic state, I'll do something kind of like what I did before, I'll use pictures to describe what I'm thinking and such. That helps me to think on multiple planes at once; this multilateral thinking helps me to find some sense of clarity.

 This picture reminds me of the time when I found clarity on the top of a building under construction here in town. I technically wasn't supposed to be there and somehow I ended up there again. The building was the tabernacle and, for those of you who don't know, it is under construction. I went there once and some people already knew that. But no one knows that I went back simply because I found that state of construction incredible. This building is all brick, the inside is gutted and empty, and the spaces where the windows used to be allow for the moon to shine through onto the floor unfiltered. The effect is pure, unencumbered grandeur. It was stunning. It was all I could do not to dance across that dirt floor, that floor was somehow more precious and elegant to me than any polished marble floor ever could be. Somehow it was more sacred because of the way the light touched it, moonlight doesn't have the same effect on stone. I climbed to the top of the scaffolding and could just look. I saw a building that allowed me to feel connected to the earth, that is rare. Laying down and looking up at the stars with the spires of the building as a frame was absolutely incredible.

This is my favorite painting. I just came across it again, and realized just how much I love it. Just look at it, HOW PERFECT IS IT?! This is what I want. Or part of what I want. Brace yourself because all anyone ever talks to me about is relationships and any overheard conversation is about relationships SO it is obviously something that through association has been on my mind. But, anyways. This is what I want. Someone who will dance with me while barefoot on a beach. Most people would say that is fine when it's a sunny day. No. Give me rain, give me something like this that forces you to throw away all that you hold up in the sun. If you think that a beach is prettiest in the sun, then you have never seen one in the rain. It is my favorite place in the world at the moment I am there. I wouldn't go anywhere else. Although, that could just be my personality. I have a friend who told me this weekend, "Emily, you said you could be happy there but you could be happy anywhere! Whatever you do you will love it because you find something to love about everything!" Yup. I guess I just like to find a way to dwell in everything I do. (it's a philosophical term that is pretty cool, you should look it up)

Again, on the relationship strain. I have issues where I am incredibly cynical when it comes to my own relationships and such and I am a hopeless romantic whenever anyone else is concerned. Today I had a friend tell me that he is so excited to get married, and I never have been, honestly. I've never met anyone who makes me want to think differently. I see happy people and I believe that it is possible, a happy marriage is completely possible! But, it's one of those things where "that is nice for you but it just isn't for me". And that sounds really depressing, but that is just the way it is for me. If you don't like it, then stop reading. My self-worth is not founded on relationships, I'm too much of a lone reed for that to be. While sometimes I would like to put that trust in other people, I find that I am a better listener than talker. I enjoy listening more than talking. Everyone else has a more interesting story than mine, I can always learn from their point of view and I love it! Anywho, back on track about the picture. I want to someday find someone who would love a place like this just as much as I would. It is perfect. But I can't picture that person, so I enjoy it on my own. There is a quote that fits this: my alone is so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude. Yup.

GUYS. I'm going to INDIA this fall. My life has been tied to India for as long as I can remember, and my dream of going is finally coming true and I honestly can't believe it at all. I am going to study meditation! I just cannot get over how incredible this is. I had no idea a month ago that this was even possible and now I am finally passionate about things again. I am finding purpose in life and in everything: friendships, school, work, etc. I am no longer comfortably numb. I am excited and I feel things once again. While it sucks to an extent, I am alive. I'll be finding out what my red rubber ball is and I can find something that I am passionate enough about to do the rest of my life. Life has so much in store for me that I don't know, I can't wait to find out what will happen!
It has honestly been too long since I was excited about things. I can think again, I feel like me, and I am able to find joy in the little things. I don't care if I sound naive  because I know where I am and I know where I stand and how I think and if that is naivety then I embrace it will everything I have. Bring me life, bring me sorrow, bring me experience and I will show you truth and peace and the pure and incandescent joy that experience brings. I can show you how to become absolutely human.

These next ones are just pictures that I liked and felt applied to my life in some way or another. If you wonder how they do...then just add a comment about it and I can tell you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Saltwater: Cure for Anything

This is something different.

I hope that in your lifetime you meet someone who you want to spend the whole night talking to; moving from Denny's to the library to an office to home and then to some store when you realize that you haven't eaten in hours.

I hope that you talk about the places you've been to, that you're going to, and you want to live. Because we all know they are each very different. I hope that you talk about people that you've met, those you miss and those you don't, those who have changed you and those you have not touched, those you loved and those you wish that you had.

I hope that they have read the kinds of books that you have and seen the movies you have seen so that conversation is never boring. I hope that they can show you a world that you have not seen yet and that you can do the same for them.

I hope that they like tea; when you talk through the night, I hope that you do so over a steaming cup of Earl Gray with a spoonful of sugar and some sweetened milk.

I hope that they want to change the world as much as you do. You can feel it in your bones, that fire for reform and for hope. I hope they are kindling for that fire and that you can set their bones ablaze.

I hope that you don't agree on everything, passiveness does no one any good.

Now for advice from an almost twenty year old. Based on a true story.

Never be afraid to speak the truth, you know who you are hurting and you know that they know you are honest. When you don't tell someone the truth, you are being false to yourself and to them and everyone gets hurt.

Sometimes you meet those people who you want to stay up all night talking to, and they don't feel the same way. Remember that you can never read a person's mind; maybe they do want to stay but they have other reasons that you don't know of for leaving.

People come into your life for a reason. Stop acting like God's gift to them, shut up, and learn. Observe. Ask questions and don't be afraid to break the rules you have placed upon yourself.

Make peace.

Don't be afraid to feel. Yes, I know it sucks. It "blows homeless goats", but that is beautiful. Not the goats part, the feeling part. If you open yourself up to pain then you open yourself up to a world that otherwise wouldn't exist. My motto recently is a John Green quote, "Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."

It does matter. Everything matters. If you find meaning in the little things, you will be happy. And sometimes the little things make you want to scream. To shout to the world that you are done playing, the game is rigged. And then scream. Yell till your voice grows shaky and coarse.

We will always remember those moments. Those moments when we felt alive.

Our skin buzzed with electricity, our stomach ached from possibility, and we thought our hearts would burst. Eyes wide, taking everything in. If our hands connected, we could power the entire city of Seattle. For a week.

Never stop living. Even though it is hard, you have power and that power can be used for implosion, explosion, or locomotion. Let it be the last. Do the world a favor, and live. Sound your barbaric YAWP. Let the world know YOU. ARE. HERE.

I hope you dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

I hope you tell someone you love them while they hold you in their arms.

I hope you find what makes you so excited that you could cry and that you do that, that you do whatever it takes to get to that point.

I hope you forget about me, that I fade to a distant memory that gets confused between reality and characters you've read about. Let me fade, I look best in retrospect.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The World is Your Underwear

I've been reading Born in the Year of the Butterfly Knife by my favorite person, Derrick Brown (well, second only to Rob Sheffield). In "To the Lightning Teachers" he says, "The world is your underwear. It's time you changed it." A to the men.

I have a tendency to make these posts weird and grey (a word that describes my life recently), and I am sincerely sorry if you've been reading any of those; but it is kind of a 'sorry, not sorry' thing because I'm only sorry that my stupidity is on display for the world. I'm a tad bit insecure about my writing, hence the hesitation in endorsing it. But this isn't even writing. I pay no attention to passive/active voice, colons, past participles, and other such sundry grammatical items. This is from my head. As I think it I put it down. The grammer is merely there as a vehicle through which to display the pauses and sequencing of thought instead of enhancing the meaning of any of this. 

Enough of that! I haven't written in a while and I don't want to write about grammer. I want to write about my future and crap. Actually, I really want to talk about the sky for the past few nights. The stars have been incredible. Absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it is because I haven't been able to see the stars for such a long time, but I am not sure. The other night I went to the store to pick up some stuff for work and I couldn't help but be moved by the openness in the air. Suddenly it felt as though my entire being had expanding to fill the new heavens and I had become a part of the atmosphere. I was more than a star, I was the entire sky. It had rained a bit so the air was crisp and clean and utterly perfect.

On my way back home I talked with this woman who worked at Little Caesars. As far as I know, she was in some kin of an accident that left her mentally impaired and she is still recovering from it. We talked about how she wants to keep her options open so that she can still be a rockstar if she wants to, how she likes to decorate, and how she has lost weight since the summer and plans to keep working out so that she keeps it off. Then while we were at the stoplight, she started telling me about the diamonds in her brain that keep the neurons firing. She said that the diamonds fit into the geometry of the brain, then she told me to look around and see all of the geometry in the world: in the signs, the cars, the people. She said that God made us that way, and he made our brains that way too. Then she was so proud of herself for making that connection, we fist-bumped twice over it (it was a big deal). But she made my night. Seeing people make those connections in ways that I haven't thought of yet is something I love! Her sincerity was touching and on top of the spaciousness of the night, it was perfect. I almost started crying as I left her to head home because I was so impressed by her. Seriously, it was a good night. Also, I love walking and that was the first walk I have been on in a while. So I was on cloud nine.

Now comes the hard stuff. The things that I don't want to talk about but I know I have to get out somehow in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. This blog was originally for me to just get my thoughts out and that is what it shall continue to do; never was this meant to cater to readers so continue at your own risk.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Straight up--no idea. I am a philosophy major. :SLKDJFLSLKSDJFOISDC(#(#*&@ODFLKC. There is nothing that I can do with that right out of college. I've always dreamed of doing something influential or important and I just can't see that happening with this. My biggest dream was to become a doctor and do the doctors without borders program and work with people who are in need of medical care. I respect the people who do that so much and that is a fantastic way to make a difference. To change the world. To make your life meaningful. I'm don't have the grades for medical school. I could be a nurse or a PA or something, those are always options and I would really love to do that.

After college, I'm planning on doing some time with the Peace Corps so we shall see what experiences are in store for me there. I just want to be useful. That is my biggest thing I think, is that I want to be useful to the world and in the big scheme of things. I have to always be participaing in something big. I could never do bureaucracy like my dad, he was like me before the government beat the creativity out of him. That's a little harsh, but he is so creative and his job smothers him. He has so many ideas that he hasn't put into place for many reason, but still. A good amount of it is due to the fact that he was never meant to be at a desk. I never was. EVER. That is not the life for me. No cubicle, I am fairly certain that I would lose my sanity. Another option that is there is being someone who helps with outdoor schools. Maybe even with troubled teens. There are those programs where they take kids out into the desert and teach them how to really live life. ممكن...

It is hard because I have friends who are actually doing things with their lives right now, while I feel as though I am biding my time. I am going stir crazy, maybe that is it. Regardless, these kinds of things have been on my mind. My recreation class solidified that for me. We talked about the hedgehog concept in class yesterday and it really got me thinking. Here it is:

The kid leading the discussion asked us what we were passionate about..and I don't really know. It was in that moment that I realized that passion is what I was lacking. It was there and then it was gone. I need to get that back. But how? What am I passionate about? I love to experience things, I always have. I do things on my own and I just love to learn what happens and how I feel when I do something. I just love the ecstasy of experience, that feeling you get when you live life so completely that the moment surrounds you and you are completely present. You are experiencing life and you are sucking the marrow out of its bones. It is then that "I sound my barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of the world!" But I am also passionate about helping people. So i've got that corner down... I don't know what I can be the best in the world at. I have NO idea. I have a warped self-image though, so that might contribute to it. It isn't negative, I love who I am and everything like that. It is more that I just don't know what I am good at, it isn't modesty because I legitimately don't know. I don't do things because I am good at them. I wouldn't be in an arabic class if that was the case. 

But I do things because I like them. I enjoy the experience. When I run, I run because I like to move and see things and feel my body tire. The other day I was running along the trail and ended up at the lake. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my looking at the fields and all that I'd ended up all the way at the lake. That is an 11 mile run. I wouldn't do that because I like to run, that would be crazy! It is all about the experience.

I just feel completely naive when it comes to things like this. It is my birthday in a month, and I still feel like I am twelve years old sometimes because I don't have things figured out and everyone makes me feel as though I have to have my shiz together. Well, the fact of the matter is that I don't. Quite frankly I don't think that anyone else does either. They just know how to hide it better than I do, but I've never been good at hiding and I never want to be. My life is out there for you to read and I hope that you are kind in your judgements.

I want to travel, to live, to breathe, to shout YAWP from every rooftop I can. I love to find beauty in things (in the way dust swirls like pixie dust in the light, in the different ways that people walk and what that says about them, and the way I just ignored any kind of rule regarding parallell construction), I love to make the world a better place, and to become more of myself every day.

Those are my thoughts right now.