Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Nights Become Days

Why hello my old, dear friend. It really has been too long. I feel as though you've changed so, or perhaps it is me who has changed. Either way, I am happy to see you.

Life has been...different. A very beautiful kind of different. I think the reason I ended up back on here is because I needed a little therapy session and in Writing we are doing a unit on creativity and I wrote something and I finally felt like me again. I felt sure and beautiful and different. A beautiful kind of different. So I have decided to write again. Why did I ever stop? There are plenty of things I could be doing right now, but I am getting the feeling this is more important. There is something that I need to say and we shall go on an adventure, just like we used to, and we will find out what that is together.

Where to even begin...

Where does one ever begin? Oh! Language how I've missed you! I have missed putting words together in the exact way I want, or more often than not it just comes out and I just say what I think and it makes so much more sense. My fingers are getting cold, but I'll continue to type anyways. It will simply be a slower process. I am sitting out on my balcony facing the mountains. The stars are hidden by the clouds, but they are so fantastic here! I have seen shooting stars, something I never thought I would. I have recently learned that one of the most wonderful sights is that of the sun setting behind the mountains and the reflection it has over the lake as I look out from the temple and you can see the juxtaposition of the night and day so perfectly as every little house in the valley begins to turn their lights on. That is only challenged by the moon setting behind the mountains and then the few moments after when the sky is still light and purple from it.

My roommate took us up to her cabin in the first few weeks we were here and it is right up in the canyon. We walked around and stuff, I was stunned by the mountains and the sheer magnitude of everything. That night we went to a huge rock that she used to go to and we all laid down together, wrapped up in a blanket, and we looked at the stars. I fell asleep underneath a blanket of cosmos and it was beautiful. There were so many shooting stars and just wonderful things to look at. Halfway through the night though there was a moose or caribou or something big that came by the rock and started munching on stuff...it was pitch black and we were freaking out a bit because it very easily could have been a bear up there in the mountains and the adrenaline from that kept me going for a little while. The next day we went and sunbathed in this lake (glacial runoff). We were so sunburnt! I looked like a lobster. We had a party that night and I think I was judged hardcore. But it was completely worth it.

This balcony is so perfect for sitting, thinking, writing, and just about everything. Let me just give you an idea about what it looks like...it is approximately thirty-five feet by ten feet and it is basically mine. My roommates and I use it but hardly anyone else ever does. I am curled up in my blanket that I made for a young women's project when I was twelve and I'm in sweats looking all cute freezing my hands off. But I am happy. Why have I not done this before? Finally writing again. I can feel my mind slowing down as I type. THIS is my ADD therapy, this is what keeps me sane. How have I survived?!

Well, moving on. What should I talk about? Oh, I know how I have survived. My parents bought me a little travel guitar and that has been my sanctuary. I am getting much better! I'm not good yet, but I'm better. One of my roommates and I have jam seshs. She is the vocals and I'm the instrumental. Our favorite song is "Someone like you" by Adele. That is possibly one of the most intense and beautiful songs. The lyrics are so incredible, and we always have to sing it. Depressing, but good.

I am trying to think about how I can actually begin to describe life here. It is beyond anything I could have thought. I know I hated the idea of coming here. I thought everyone was going to be obnoxious and in my face religious. Everyone was going to be perfect and the same. Everyone was going to be ignorant and painfully annoying.


What I got was the biggest slap to the face I have ever gotten in my life. Yes, so many people here are beautiful and stylish and perfect. But there are so many real people here, like me. I lucked out on roommates. While they do some stuff that annoys me, they really are good people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. My FHE brothers are fantastic and they are some of the sweetest and most genuine people. And fairly attractive, not going to lie. Yeah, it was hard coming here and my face suddenly decided that it was going to be ugly and breakout everywhere and I swear that everyone here has perfect skin. They are all skinny as anything and if they aren't then they totally know how to rock their curves. I am awkwardly in between. There are more homecoming court, valedictorians, and concert pianists here than anywhere else in the world. The most frustrating thing is that all those qualities are generally in the same person. I am nothing here. Nothing. School is hard and I feel like the dumbest one in most of my classes. But I have had such great experiences as a result.

I was not the kind of person to 'hang out' in high school. I always had to be doing something and moving so fast. There had to be a purpose to everything. But here I have changed. I just hang out whenever. I pick up my guitar and some people and I have jam sessions on the balcony or something. My roommates and I always are having parties of some kind or another. Not the typical college parties. But the kind that we remember for years afterwards and don't regret anything we do. We have so much fun and meet so many people.

Okay, I am just going to stop whatever I was going to say right there. None of that is feeling right. I was thinking about talking about boys, but that is not where I wanted to go either.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want to end up or where I want to go and be. I am a traveler. I know that is what I want to do and somehow will do. I just need to figure out how. I also have tried to realize the kind of person that I want to become. And it makes me so happy to realize that I have started to become that person. Curling up with a book on a rainy day with a hot cup of tea is me. There are so many different me's that I want to be. I want to be the woman that can sit on the balcony of her house on the South Carolina beaches and look beautiful in a turtleneck and jeans with no makeup. I want to be the woman that can hop on a plane one day and hours later be knee deep in Ugandan mud as I write a story about the women there and the role that they play in society for National Geographic. I want to be sitting in a small coffeeshop listening to an old friend play and he invites me up to sing what used to be our song and I either sing or play guitar and I do it well.

These are all silly dreams. Of a silly girl. That has a silly, misguided look at the world. But I want that all to be me. You will probably laugh when you read this, who ever you are. But these are truly things I have thought about and want. I never want to be average. I want to take control of the opportunities that are out of the ordinary and I want to make them mine. I want to be able to look at the world and say thank you for everything you have given me. I feel like Pocahontas right now. "Do you still wait for me Dream Giver?" Because I am here. Dreamer. More so than I think I have ever been. That will never change. I am utterly impossible. And I apologize. Yet, I don't. I am not apologetic for who I am, but for who you think yourself to be if you feel the need to judge me. I am unabashedly Emily. I am a grasshopper, an artist, a dreamer, a scientist, and a tea drinker. I make my own henna and don't care that it smells funny. I laugh loudly. I dream big. I play my music so that you can hear it. I speak my thoughts. Some days I don't take my medicine. I won't fall in love. I am a dreamer and a cynic. I hike. I read in the sun. I sing when I know no one will hear me. I dance so that everyone can. I let you know who I am. The design in the stars is the same in my heart. In the broken down machinery of my heart. I am gun-shy. I listen to the rain. I cry. I smile at everything because I find life to be so funny. My language is sentimentality and life and change. I wish I was in black and white. I love the lines on my hand. I jam to Bollywood music. I watch Korean dramas. I eat seaweed. I have gone through six jars of peanut butter jars so far. I am so grateful for my wide open spaces, my room to make a big mistake. I drink my tea boiling. I hate my feet. There is nothing that compares to sitting on rooftops. I want my own love story but I'm too scared of anything to do anything about something. I want to dance in the Museum of Art. I have covered my wall with articles and pictures from travel magazines and film pictures I took and had developed. I am freezing on my balcony because I want to be outdoors, whatever that takes. I am in love with the world. I am in love with Amos Lee. I am in love with soul and all things beautiful. I love possibility and the world is overflowing with it right now.

Goodnight, until we meet again.

P.S. There are so many spiritual experiences that I've had and you might be hearing those later.