Monday, May 23, 2011

I don't have answers, and neither do you

So here it is. And here I am.

There is something that needs to be said and I need to find out what it is, or else forfeit all sleep tonight. Now what could it be?

Hermeneutic studies. Phenomenological research. That is what I'm leaning towards. We read a play in theatre a few weeks ago from a phenomenological book my teacher was reading for his doctorate class. Wow. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be affected like that. I've been thinking about it all the time and that is what has spurred me to create a monologue for our project on change. I like to credit myself with the birth of this project, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it is called "The Elements". Each person in our class is going to do something, either in a group or alone (or both), that is a tableau and statement about where they are in their lives right now. Then we fit them into an element and create this fluid creature that changes with us and moves in the direction we push it. It is a project unlike any other, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I chose to do a monologue of my own 'creation'. They aren't my words, I took them from the Fantasticks and Under Milkwood, but I wish they were. They say what I wish I could. But here it is, a statement on my position in life right now and on what I'm experiencing and wish to share:

You wonder how these things begin. It begins with a season, which, for want of a better word, we might as well call: September. Listen, it is night. Try to see it, not with your eyes for they are wise. But see it with your ears: the cool, green breathing of the leaves and hear it with the inside of your hand the soundless sound of shadows flicking light. Listen. It is night moving in the streets, the processional salt slow musical wind. It is the grass growing, dewfall, starfall, the sleep of birds. Time passes. Listen. Time passes. Come closer now. Only you can hear and see the movements and countries and mazes and colors and dismays and rainbows and tunes and wishes and flight and fall and despairs and big seas of their dreams. Celebrate sensation. Recall that secret place, you've been there, you remember. That special place where once, just once, in your crowded sunlit lifetime you hid away from the tyranny of time. That spot beside the clover, where someone's hand held your hand, where love was sweeter than the berries or the honey or the stinging taste of mint. Where instead of reading textbooks, tried to memorize the moon. The sleep of birds, drift through the live dusk of this place of love. It was September before a rain fall, a perfect time to be in love. There is Heaven on Earth, a green-leaved sermon on the innocence of men.

So there it is, and on that note I bid thee farewell.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

So won't you come home and dance with me baby

Oh hey.

If I had written this earlier today, I would be going on a rant about how stupid high school is and how no one really functions on my level. As pious and conceited as that sounds, it felt like that earlier. I was thinking about hermeneudic studies and philosophy of dialogue and the meaning of life (no joke.) while everyone else is talking about what prom is going to be like and how she said something that was sooooo offensive that they might have to switch groups and her dress is exactly the same and they're friends with that group....UGH. no more.

BUT, this is not earlier and I really don't care about all of that now. Easy A and Ben Rector changed that. I'm falling back into that 'falling in love with love' mood, but this time it is different. I'm falling in love with life. Life has its own rhythm that only it knows and doesn't want to share. All we can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. Trusting in the Lord that it will all work out.

Easy A got me to thinking about boys and my whole love fixation. It really seems like an obsession, chick flicks, romance novels, etc...I've gotten over that. For the most part. I don't think this is something I'll ever outgrow, but at this point I don't mind. So anywho, boys. Movies like Easy A used to frustrate me to no end, because I could never find a boy like that one. I would be in a mood for days as I try to attract the closest guy I could find like that. Which obviously never worked out. But no more. This movie made me realize how perfect my eternal companion will be. Not perfect, but for what I'm talking about yes. I love how at the end of the movie Todd is just standing in her front yard and opens his arms, expecting her to come running to him. I LOVEE that. I rewinded to it like five times. I realized today though, I don't need to find someone who does exactly that. But find the attitude behind it. That is what is perfect. Find someone who is willing to open up so completely and embrace me in a way that makes it okay for me to go running to him like that. He'll also have to be strong enough to catch me...but minor details.

The same thing happened in AP Chem, except we were watching Stardust. I have always loved Tristan, the new one not the one obsessed with Victoria. When he and Yvaine were walking next to each other on their way to Wall and he pushes her, it is so perfect. They are so comfortable with each other that they can joke and tease and love it. My teacher commented on that part and said: "See! Look at how gentle he is with her." And he was, even though they were pushing and shoving, there was a gentle tenderness behind it. That is what I need to find. The base on which all I love is founded. I don't need the guy who does the actions but I need one with the motivation behind it.

Ben Rector only solidified all of that. I'm loving it. I'm loving today. I'm loving life. The moment, that is where I exist right now. I have no other worries outside of now. I don't care what is for dinner, I care about the chords I'm hearing now. Now. The moment.

I'll find my guy, maybe I've already found him but I just don't know yet. Either way, it will figure itself out. All I have to do is be myself and it will happen. I don't know who all reads this, but I'm curious about your thoughts. Please comment or facebook me or ask me a tumblr question about this with thoughts or questions!

This is so wonderful. Life is so good. I look around my room and see a mixture of all the things I've integrated into my life over the past few years. My notebooks, thought books, vinyl records, Audrey Hepburn posters and calendar, peace poster, a poster about world hunger, posters from my shows, books galore, mix cds from friends, paintings and my neutral duvet that somehow accomodates me and all of my craziness. The neutral brings it all together with my brown walls with masks and batiks hanging on it.

Today life seemed to have stopped just to be content. There is no reason in particular for me to be like this, I just am. And I am so grateful I have the freedom to be so.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The cure for pain

Jon Foreman. Go onto grooveshark. NOW. make a playlist and listen to it while reading this.

I finally have things to write about, but its as if they all tried to get out at once and became blocked up somewhere on their flight into existence. Those fleeting little words piled up together can become a force to be reckoned with. Not my words, they are small and insignificant. But words in general can hold such power. To comfort, to hurt, to push away, to pull in. I've done my fair share and more of pushing people away. I'm scared easily.

Surprised? I'd actually like to know what you think on that matter, send me a message about that or something please.

"Heaven knows I've tried to find a cure for the pain". What scares me? Goodbyes, relationships, people who know what I'm doing, etc...oh. and the movie 'Signs'. A friend of mine passed away yesterday, and it has gotten me to think about my life and where I stand with friends and acquaintances. We weren't that close, but I knew him and we've talked about just about everything. We just drifted apart this year, and now he is gone.

Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed and was cleaning up my room, I went into my parents room and picked up the guitar and started playing one of my favorite songs. My little brother yelled "Shut up" from the end of the hallway and that sort of set me off tonight..I was picking up stuff and just crumpled onto the floor. I curled up into a little ball and cried. I couldn't help it. The tears were for my friend who will never live to graduate or experience life after high school, for my lack of general ability in just about everything, and for the world. Everything is twisted. Up is down and black is white, good is evil and vice versa. I've gotten lost in the flipping.

But that will have to be reserved for tomorrow. I'm falling asleep at my computer right now.

Sleep well, I'm going to try to get some shut eye before the long day begins again.