Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Flowers in Your Hair

The night is alive tonight, the hot air is buzzing with summer satisfaction. Everyone knows that this is it, this is our youth, this is when we make the stories we tell later on. Everything becomes desperate and rushed because we don't want to waste this, we know our time is limited. tick, tick, tick. You think you'll live forever, yet you know that you only have tomorrow. It creates a frenzied fanaticism and zeal for life that will carry us on through our golden years. if we forget to light the fire now, then we know that there will be nothing but cold ashes later on.

so we burn and burn in the hopes that we don't become one of those pilot lights that softly 'pops'. We want the world to know we were here, to be singed a little from its connection with us. we want others to have our scorch marks on them because it will let us know that we honestly lived, that we made an impact on someone and that they will never forget us.

life is full of forgotten moments. or those that are only half-remembered.


so let's dream. let's allow ourselves to be vulnerable and more susceptible to burn. In dreams we drop our fronts, our masks, our offensive line. it is what stands between us and everyone else. that way we keep a part of ourselves just for us so that no one can hurt us completely. I am working on that, and it would help if everyone else was working with me. so if you read this, pay it forward and experiment by being vulnerable three times in the next little while. Inspiring other people to be vulnerable is just a possible side effect of this experiment. but I will do what I can to follow this.

That is all I have for tonight. Until next time.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Let's Tessellate

Dreams can turn from caterpillars to butterflies faster than you can blink. If you're lucky you can see the transformation. Too many people look away and suddenly se them as a butterfly. When you miss the actual transformation, then you are unable to recognize the butterfly for what it is.

I'm lucky enough to get to see it change in the cocoon, I know that it is growing wings and becoming colorful and rich even though I can't see it exactly like that.

Someday my dreams will reach into the stars in the way that I know they are meant to. My wings long to feel the moonlight on them and coast on the cool breeze. I dream of a midnight in Washington, beyond the rain clouds and above the Puget sound.

I apologize because I am like the moon: I am waxing poetic. However, I only have so much poetry and prose in me because I haven't practiced very much. But I am hoping that all changes.

I'm hoping to start writing more. This is all I have tonight.

∆Triangles are my favorite shape
Three points where two lines meet.
Toe to toe, back to back, let's go
My love it's very late.
'Til morning comes, let's tessellate.∆

Friday, April 12, 2013

Little Black Rain Cloud

I've never been the kind of person to ever be an Eeyore, but if you were to ask me what I am right now, I'd have to say, "I'm a little black rain cloud, of course."

There are many, MANY choice things I would like to say right now. Some of it pertains to quite a bit of sass I have been receiving from people as of late. I just don't appreciate it when I do not give any reason to deserve it. Granted, sometimes I do but this is not one of those times. All I did was ask a simple question and you just gave me more sass than the little spoiled cheerleader that cheered my brother 3rd grade football team, that may not sound like much but you never knew her. I haven't said two words to you all week, excuse me. AND WHO KEEPS EATING MY FOOD?!? Okay, I shouldn't rant blog because that gets me in trouble. I'm just a wee bit fed up with some things. So in order to diffuse some of this frustration so that I can find some cathartic state, I'll do something kind of like what I did before, I'll use pictures to describe what I'm thinking and such. That helps me to think on multiple planes at once; this multilateral thinking helps me to find some sense of clarity.

 This picture reminds me of the time when I found clarity on the top of a building under construction here in town. I technically wasn't supposed to be there and somehow I ended up there again. The building was the tabernacle and, for those of you who don't know, it is under construction. I went there once and some people already knew that. But no one knows that I went back simply because I found that state of construction incredible. This building is all brick, the inside is gutted and empty, and the spaces where the windows used to be allow for the moon to shine through onto the floor unfiltered. The effect is pure, unencumbered grandeur. It was stunning. It was all I could do not to dance across that dirt floor, that floor was somehow more precious and elegant to me than any polished marble floor ever could be. Somehow it was more sacred because of the way the light touched it, moonlight doesn't have the same effect on stone. I climbed to the top of the scaffolding and could just look. I saw a building that allowed me to feel connected to the earth, that is rare. Laying down and looking up at the stars with the spires of the building as a frame was absolutely incredible.

This is my favorite painting. I just came across it again, and realized just how much I love it. Just look at it, HOW PERFECT IS IT?! This is what I want. Or part of what I want. Brace yourself because all anyone ever talks to me about is relationships and any overheard conversation is about relationships SO it is obviously something that through association has been on my mind. But, anyways. This is what I want. Someone who will dance with me while barefoot on a beach. Most people would say that is fine when it's a sunny day. No. Give me rain, give me something like this that forces you to throw away all that you hold up in the sun. If you think that a beach is prettiest in the sun, then you have never seen one in the rain. It is my favorite place in the world at the moment I am there. I wouldn't go anywhere else. Although, that could just be my personality. I have a friend who told me this weekend, "Emily, you said you could be happy there but you could be happy anywhere! Whatever you do you will love it because you find something to love about everything!" Yup. I guess I just like to find a way to dwell in everything I do. (it's a philosophical term that is pretty cool, you should look it up)

Again, on the relationship strain. I have issues where I am incredibly cynical when it comes to my own relationships and such and I am a hopeless romantic whenever anyone else is concerned. Today I had a friend tell me that he is so excited to get married, and I never have been, honestly. I've never met anyone who makes me want to think differently. I see happy people and I believe that it is possible, a happy marriage is completely possible! But, it's one of those things where "that is nice for you but it just isn't for me". And that sounds really depressing, but that is just the way it is for me. If you don't like it, then stop reading. My self-worth is not founded on relationships, I'm too much of a lone reed for that to be. While sometimes I would like to put that trust in other people, I find that I am a better listener than talker. I enjoy listening more than talking. Everyone else has a more interesting story than mine, I can always learn from their point of view and I love it! Anywho, back on track about the picture. I want to someday find someone who would love a place like this just as much as I would. It is perfect. But I can't picture that person, so I enjoy it on my own. There is a quote that fits this: my alone is so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude. Yup.

GUYS. I'm going to INDIA this fall. My life has been tied to India for as long as I can remember, and my dream of going is finally coming true and I honestly can't believe it at all. I am going to study meditation! I just cannot get over how incredible this is. I had no idea a month ago that this was even possible and now I am finally passionate about things again. I am finding purpose in life and in everything: friendships, school, work, etc. I am no longer comfortably numb. I am excited and I feel things once again. While it sucks to an extent, I am alive. I'll be finding out what my red rubber ball is and I can find something that I am passionate enough about to do the rest of my life. Life has so much in store for me that I don't know, I can't wait to find out what will happen!
It has honestly been too long since I was excited about things. I can think again, I feel like me, and I am able to find joy in the little things. I don't care if I sound naive  because I know where I am and I know where I stand and how I think and if that is naivety then I embrace it will everything I have. Bring me life, bring me sorrow, bring me experience and I will show you truth and peace and the pure and incandescent joy that experience brings. I can show you how to become absolutely human.

These next ones are just pictures that I liked and felt applied to my life in some way or another. If you wonder how they do...then just add a comment about it and I can tell you.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Saltwater: Cure for Anything

This is something different.

I hope that in your lifetime you meet someone who you want to spend the whole night talking to; moving from Denny's to the library to an office to home and then to some store when you realize that you haven't eaten in hours.

I hope that you talk about the places you've been to, that you're going to, and you want to live. Because we all know they are each very different. I hope that you talk about people that you've met, those you miss and those you don't, those who have changed you and those you have not touched, those you loved and those you wish that you had.

I hope that they have read the kinds of books that you have and seen the movies you have seen so that conversation is never boring. I hope that they can show you a world that you have not seen yet and that you can do the same for them.

I hope that they like tea; when you talk through the night, I hope that you do so over a steaming cup of Earl Gray with a spoonful of sugar and some sweetened milk.

I hope that they want to change the world as much as you do. You can feel it in your bones, that fire for reform and for hope. I hope they are kindling for that fire and that you can set their bones ablaze.

I hope that you don't agree on everything, passiveness does no one any good.

Now for advice from an almost twenty year old. Based on a true story.

Never be afraid to speak the truth, you know who you are hurting and you know that they know you are honest. When you don't tell someone the truth, you are being false to yourself and to them and everyone gets hurt.

Sometimes you meet those people who you want to stay up all night talking to, and they don't feel the same way. Remember that you can never read a person's mind; maybe they do want to stay but they have other reasons that you don't know of for leaving.

People come into your life for a reason. Stop acting like God's gift to them, shut up, and learn. Observe. Ask questions and don't be afraid to break the rules you have placed upon yourself.

Make peace.

Don't be afraid to feel. Yes, I know it sucks. It "blows homeless goats", but that is beautiful. Not the goats part, the feeling part. If you open yourself up to pain then you open yourself up to a world that otherwise wouldn't exist. My motto recently is a John Green quote, "Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, or someone you're afraid to love, or somewhere you're afraid to go. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."

It does matter. Everything matters. If you find meaning in the little things, you will be happy. And sometimes the little things make you want to scream. To shout to the world that you are done playing, the game is rigged. And then scream. Yell till your voice grows shaky and coarse.

We will always remember those moments. Those moments when we felt alive.

Our skin buzzed with electricity, our stomach ached from possibility, and we thought our hearts would burst. Eyes wide, taking everything in. If our hands connected, we could power the entire city of Seattle. For a week.

Never stop living. Even though it is hard, you have power and that power can be used for implosion, explosion, or locomotion. Let it be the last. Do the world a favor, and live. Sound your barbaric YAWP. Let the world know YOU. ARE. HERE.

I hope you dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.

I hope you tell someone you love them while they hold you in their arms.

I hope you find what makes you so excited that you could cry and that you do that, that you do whatever it takes to get to that point.

I hope you forget about me, that I fade to a distant memory that gets confused between reality and characters you've read about. Let me fade, I look best in retrospect.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

The World is Your Underwear

I've been reading Born in the Year of the Butterfly Knife by my favorite person, Derrick Brown (well, second only to Rob Sheffield). In "To the Lightning Teachers" he says, "The world is your underwear. It's time you changed it." A to the men.

I have a tendency to make these posts weird and grey (a word that describes my life recently), and I am sincerely sorry if you've been reading any of those; but it is kind of a 'sorry, not sorry' thing because I'm only sorry that my stupidity is on display for the world. I'm a tad bit insecure about my writing, hence the hesitation in endorsing it. But this isn't even writing. I pay no attention to passive/active voice, colons, past participles, and other such sundry grammatical items. This is from my head. As I think it I put it down. The grammer is merely there as a vehicle through which to display the pauses and sequencing of thought instead of enhancing the meaning of any of this. 

Enough of that! I haven't written in a while and I don't want to write about grammer. I want to write about my future and crap. Actually, I really want to talk about the sky for the past few nights. The stars have been incredible. Absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it is because I haven't been able to see the stars for such a long time, but I am not sure. The other night I went to the store to pick up some stuff for work and I couldn't help but be moved by the openness in the air. Suddenly it felt as though my entire being had expanding to fill the new heavens and I had become a part of the atmosphere. I was more than a star, I was the entire sky. It had rained a bit so the air was crisp and clean and utterly perfect.

On my way back home I talked with this woman who worked at Little Caesars. As far as I know, she was in some kin of an accident that left her mentally impaired and she is still recovering from it. We talked about how she wants to keep her options open so that she can still be a rockstar if she wants to, how she likes to decorate, and how she has lost weight since the summer and plans to keep working out so that she keeps it off. Then while we were at the stoplight, she started telling me about the diamonds in her brain that keep the neurons firing. She said that the diamonds fit into the geometry of the brain, then she told me to look around and see all of the geometry in the world: in the signs, the cars, the people. She said that God made us that way, and he made our brains that way too. Then she was so proud of herself for making that connection, we fist-bumped twice over it (it was a big deal). But she made my night. Seeing people make those connections in ways that I haven't thought of yet is something I love! Her sincerity was touching and on top of the spaciousness of the night, it was perfect. I almost started crying as I left her to head home because I was so impressed by her. Seriously, it was a good night. Also, I love walking and that was the first walk I have been on in a while. So I was on cloud nine.

Now comes the hard stuff. The things that I don't want to talk about but I know I have to get out somehow in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. This blog was originally for me to just get my thoughts out and that is what it shall continue to do; never was this meant to cater to readers so continue at your own risk.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Straight up--no idea. I am a philosophy major. :SLKDJFLSLKSDJFOISDC(#(#*&@ODFLKC. There is nothing that I can do with that right out of college. I've always dreamed of doing something influential or important and I just can't see that happening with this. My biggest dream was to become a doctor and do the doctors without borders program and work with people who are in need of medical care. I respect the people who do that so much and that is a fantastic way to make a difference. To change the world. To make your life meaningful. I'm don't have the grades for medical school. I could be a nurse or a PA or something, those are always options and I would really love to do that.

After college, I'm planning on doing some time with the Peace Corps so we shall see what experiences are in store for me there. I just want to be useful. That is my biggest thing I think, is that I want to be useful to the world and in the big scheme of things. I have to always be participaing in something big. I could never do bureaucracy like my dad, he was like me before the government beat the creativity out of him. That's a little harsh, but he is so creative and his job smothers him. He has so many ideas that he hasn't put into place for many reason, but still. A good amount of it is due to the fact that he was never meant to be at a desk. I never was. EVER. That is not the life for me. No cubicle, I am fairly certain that I would lose my sanity. Another option that is there is being someone who helps with outdoor schools. Maybe even with troubled teens. There are those programs where they take kids out into the desert and teach them how to really live life. ممكن...

It is hard because I have friends who are actually doing things with their lives right now, while I feel as though I am biding my time. I am going stir crazy, maybe that is it. Regardless, these kinds of things have been on my mind. My recreation class solidified that for me. We talked about the hedgehog concept in class yesterday and it really got me thinking. Here it is:

The kid leading the discussion asked us what we were passionate about..and I don't really know. It was in that moment that I realized that passion is what I was lacking. It was there and then it was gone. I need to get that back. But how? What am I passionate about? I love to experience things, I always have. I do things on my own and I just love to learn what happens and how I feel when I do something. I just love the ecstasy of experience, that feeling you get when you live life so completely that the moment surrounds you and you are completely present. You are experiencing life and you are sucking the marrow out of its bones. It is then that "I sound my barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of the world!" But I am also passionate about helping people. So i've got that corner down... I don't know what I can be the best in the world at. I have NO idea. I have a warped self-image though, so that might contribute to it. It isn't negative, I love who I am and everything like that. It is more that I just don't know what I am good at, it isn't modesty because I legitimately don't know. I don't do things because I am good at them. I wouldn't be in an arabic class if that was the case. 

But I do things because I like them. I enjoy the experience. When I run, I run because I like to move and see things and feel my body tire. The other day I was running along the trail and ended up at the lake. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my looking at the fields and all that I'd ended up all the way at the lake. That is an 11 mile run. I wouldn't do that because I like to run, that would be crazy! It is all about the experience.

I just feel completely naive when it comes to things like this. It is my birthday in a month, and I still feel like I am twelve years old sometimes because I don't have things figured out and everyone makes me feel as though I have to have my shiz together. Well, the fact of the matter is that I don't. Quite frankly I don't think that anyone else does either. They just know how to hide it better than I do, but I've never been good at hiding and I never want to be. My life is out there for you to read and I hope that you are kind in your judgements.

I want to travel, to live, to breathe, to shout YAWP from every rooftop I can. I love to find beauty in things (in the way dust swirls like pixie dust in the light, in the different ways that people walk and what that says about them, and the way I just ignored any kind of rule regarding parallell construction), I love to make the world a better place, and to become more of myself every day.

Those are my thoughts right now. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Comme des enfants

The reason I am writing this is thanks to Derrick Brown, once again. "The design in the stars is the same in our hearts, in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts." There are so many thoughts going through my head, dear blog, I don't know who I will ever get them down and solidified into gauche words. To use an overused quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations." I feel as though they have a cosmic glimmer until they go down and become actual phrases and then they lose all of their magic and power. They become words instead of their own, breathing selves.

I don't really want to write about anything, but I feel as though I have to now that I have started. Also, I've been seriously slacking when it comes to writing on this blog. But I've been using other venues and such for my writing so that is why it hasn't ended up on this site.

One of my favorite lines from "A Finger Two Dots then Me" is "If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you, I honestly don't know. But I do know that I could still fall for a swish of light that comes barreling  cascading towards me. It will resemble your sweet definite hands. And the universe will bend and the planets will bow and I will say, 'oh there you are. now we can go.'" I don't want the kind of love in Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, or The Notebook. That is nothing compared to what I want. I want  a Love is a Mix Tape kind of relationship. I want someone to love me enough not to wait for me on the other side because they know that I'll make it to them. They will say, "oh, there you are. Now we can go." They are just a finger and two dots to the left of the North American moon.

I will always know where to look for them. Somewhere someone is looking at it and wondering the same thing. Actually, they probably aren't. But they should. They should take the time to look into the sky until they can see the depth of space, the point at which the darkness goes blue.

At another point in the poem, Brown asks what is really holy. That is a good question. To me, to Emily, to the self I am today this is what is holy:
The sea
Rain that soaks me to the bone
The spaces between snowflakes
The photographs I've taken and put on my wall
My favorite hiking sock with the hole in it
The shape of my hands
Spaces created in my heart when I look at a clear, blue night
Warm breezes
My copy of On the Road
Phone conversations with my sister about nothing
Using a big sharpie to finish the mural on my wall
My plaid shirt
Not getting more notebook paper because buying those books was more important to me
Eye contact
Fear overcome
The day I really spoke with my family because we realized who we all were

Those are just a few things that are holy to me, at least right now. I think that if something is holy to someone, then that something is beautiful. There is someone who gets pure joy out of the experience or association with that thing and I believe that moment is beautiful and holy unto itself. What I love more than almost anything is hearing people talk about what they are passionate about. They light up in a way that I've never seen before and it makes me excited about whatever it is. Suddenly I am interested in it because I want to know what it is about that one thing that they find holy, enthralling, and important.

Here are my thoughts right now. Nothing terribly exciting, but I thought I should give you an update.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Spaces Between My Fingers

Guys, I'm finally writing again and it feels really good. Not just here, I'm writing my own stuff too and I love it. There is a freedom in expression. There is also an inexplicable pain, one that comes from finding out exactly what makes you tick or realizing that something that you've kept inside of you is now out on the page and will never be a part of you in the same way again. But, you have to do that in order to make room for all of the new thoughts and feelings and bits of pain and sorrow and joy and curiosity.

Tonight, the moon reminded me of something bigger. The cheshire cat smile disappeared behind the grey clouds, as if the moon was calling me to follow it beyond the atmosphere. And I wanted to follow. This week and last I've been wanting to follow that moon along the flat and empty roads of Arizona, Nevada, California, and every other state around here. There is no greater joy that I can imagine right now than taking a road trip. Putting in some music, going to some place to go camping, and just hiding away from everything for a little while. Going alone is fun. But going with someone would be great. If anyone reading this wants to road trip this 3-day weekend has a car and wants to go, let me know. I'm down.

But just imagining myself driving down a road with the silver light of the moon making the asphalt look more silver than black, the sky more blue than black, and the entire world just seems better in the moonlight makes me extremely giddy. I'd make a mix, okay I'd make like three. I'd bring books on tape. I'd bring my guitar. I'd bring my favorite books. I'd leave my computer, my iPod, my kindle, and everything else that weighs me down. We wouldn't talk about homework. We'd talk about what it is like to feel immortal and other important things. I'd bring my sleeping bag and sleep under the stars. I'd bring my film camera and I'd remember all the beautiful moments the world offered me. Those moments make me feel alive. They remind me that I am human, but they make me forget I am mortal. The stars do that more often than anything for me.

There is a painting in the museum of art that I'll after that. This is the kind of moonlight that I am talking about. And skys that go on forever. I want that.

I am always having arguments with myself regarding how personal I want to be on this blog. The debate exists between two sides: I want to be open so that people know what I am going through and can learn from what is happening in my life OR I can just not be open and use this as a chance to get away and just express myself. I want to tell someone what is going on in my life and I talk to my roommate about it, but there are some people I just want to talk to sometimes. And this blog is one of those people and I don't know who reads this. I don't care who reads this because then I'd write to you. And I don't want to do that. Also, I am not a good writer and I feel like you would judge me. So many people write so eloquently and interestingly. I can't, I just write whatever comes through my mind. I tried to write poetry before, and some of it was good. However, that was too structured for me. There is a reason that I prefer Jack Kerouac over Frank O'Hara. I like O'Hara, but Kerouac gets me. He just writes and writes and it is beautiful.

That is all I feel like writing on here today, so goodnight all. Goodnight moon.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Nobody Loves No One

The title has nothing to do with anything, it was just a line in a song that I'm listening to and I found it oddly profound. Everyone loves someone in some way, no man is an island as much as he would like to think it (and that is coming from someone who pretends she's an island like it's her job). In some way or another everyone loves some part of someone. Maybe that is only for a week, maybe it is forever even after you are apart. There are some people who have these aspects of themselves that I have fallen in love with even though we aren't together. I guess that real and complete eternal love comes when you are more in love with a person's personality and facets than not. But I'll have to get back to you on that one because I don't know yet.

I am almost in tears as I write this, so much has happened and yet nothing has that I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Believe it or not, that doesn't happen too often. Not like this. So i'm trying to decide what to talk about first. (I'm putting off assignments and dinner until I say what I need to say, only I don't know what that is yet.)

Recently, I've been at a loss. The last couple of posts have been about that and it is something that I don't feel for long periods of time usually. More often than not I find my direction or I impose one on myself because I can't stand to just be spinning or sitting, heaven forbid, for any period of time. I'm like those ants that you try to get on your finger but they just keep hitting it and moving on. If they ever do crawl onto your finger then they are off in two seconds because there is another direction to go. So these past few months have been hard that way. If I don't feel myself moving, then I get a sense of peace that I am where God wants me to be and that, honestly, is enough for me for a long time. Until I ask Him again for confirmation.

But I haven't gotten that.

Or, I should say, I hadn't gotten it. Not in the way I expected. He speaks so directly sometimes that I miss it. I expect that same feeling of peace every time I ask for it. But He knows that it would not keep me moving. He has given me that reassurance through other venues and I'm grateful that I now know what He has been saying to me, even though I haven't been the best listener. I am on the right path. Various sources have given me that knowledge, many of them don't even know it. But let it be known that here I was and I moved and I walked into the dark. That is hard. It is scary. But the music of the night can change your life. If you keep standing underneath the streetlamp then you miss the stars. Sometimes you can't see the moon. Take that faith that there is a path in the dark. That if there is not a path, you will forge one and create the ultimate trail. You can always trust the Lord because He wants you to succeed more than anything. He has not given up on me, that alone has given me reason not to give up on myself, as tempting as that can be.

If you are reading this, if we have ever talked, know that I want the very best for you and that you deserve just that. The very best. If you say it often enough, then you believe it. That is not what makes it true, you can not believe something and it can still be true. Truth is not dependent on the human mind, but it stems from something bigger. Bigger than the sky. You can take part in that. Believe that you can and you can begin to find the truth. Regardless of whether you pay attention to what I am saying or not, the fact still remains that you are a creation of an infinitely perfect being and you have the ability to access that divinity. You have the right to the best things in life because you are the best thing. God believes that. I believe that. And you should too.

I didn't believed that for a long, long time. In my mind I was not worth anything. Yes, I had big dreams but it was for someone other than me. Someone who was more this or more that. Less this and less that. Never myself. This made me scared that I was living my life wrong because I wasn't like other people. I figured that if someone else was like me then that made Me okay. People couldn't think I was weird with any amount of validity because this other person was like that too. But there were some parts of my personality that were cognitively insuppressible. I could not hide that aspect of myself and that has become who I am in many parts. Mostly in private because otherwise people are thrown off by things I say or do.

I am a wonderer.

That was something I really discovered this week at the forum. This is also something that I have been thinking about for a long time too. Who am I and what is my purpose on earth? The answer that I've come up with is that I am meant to experience humanity and record it. The human experience. The little things that make reality. The parts of life that are magical, completely transcendental. What touches the soul. What numbs the emotions. Struggles. Successes. Loss. Love. And everything in between. I've always had the idea that I feel things different than other people. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen, however I do know that I can describe them differently in a way that people can understand. And that has to mean something.

What contributes to that is my constant sense of wonder at everything. Absolutely everything. I began to understand this when I was walking through one of the softest snow falls of the year and realized that I still feel the crinkle in the air between the flakes. That negative space is pure inspiration. I was walking home, it wasn't quite night, and I couldn't resist the urge to fling my arms out and feel as much of that energy as possible. I wanted to partake of it and drink it in. Pure, clean energy and magic. I doubt that a time in my life will come where I will not feel the delicacy of a snowflake and wonder. I wonder at how intricate it can be. How they can fall in that pattern. How they make me feel as though my soul has lifted me up to dance in the air among the flakes. The negative space clears my head, I can think in between the falling snow.

Rain is the same way. The time I feel the most beautiful is after I've been out in the rain and I've let it wash away all of the things I put up to hide in or hidden or ignored or suppressed. My soul explodes into my body and I no longer feel like a body, but rather a being that exists for that moment. For that sensation. To feel my hair fall in front of my face with a little curl in it while my toes push the ground away and I break out into a full out sprint. I feel as though my molecules absorb the energy around me and I can't stop them from moving. Whether it is joy or excitement or curiosity, I am enveloped in the incredible lightness of being.


I am here to answer my question. The thing that motivates me. If you have any idea what my question is, please tell me. I'm being completely serious. Text me, email me, tell me here if you don't want me to know who you are. But I need help figuring out what it is.

There are other things that I've noticed regarding relationships that I find interesting, but that is for another time. I talk about that too much anyways.

One theme that keeps coming up in my life recently, this is on a different note, is that I am single. Not in a depressing and sad way or anything. But maybe a little. Yesterday I went to the international cinema before I went scuba diving and realized something. At that moment in time I realized what I've been wanting all week. Someone. Someone who is there for me no matter what. I needed a body there to hold me tight and just be there. No one has ever really been there for me like that before, I've never cried on a shoulder. Yes, I've missed my chances for that. There have been opportunities and I didn't recognize that until they had passed. However, that doesn't mean that it is something I don't want. Yesterday I needed more than anything a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me close to their chest so I can feel their warm breath on my hair and know that I am safe and I am important. That they care that I feel happy but it is okay that I don't right then. I curled up in a little ball on the seat and just let everything from the past little while wash over me and it made that lack of human physical contact even more noticeable. But that is not something I have right now, and that is okay. Everything is essentially okay and that is good and right. I don't know why I added this, but I did. The feeling could go away tomorrow, or next week, who knows. But it is still here and there is nothing I can do about it.

Now I feel like I can go do some work, finally. I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day and week and I pray that you receive the best and that you begin to notice the wonder all around you.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

2012: You and I were born to roam

I wanted to post this entire song, but I have other things in mind for this post. So, you should take a look HERE and check it out because it is beautiful and I just have to share it with someone. I'm going through my whole iTunes library and while there is a huge amount of bad songs, there are some gems. This was one of them. I'm making a couple more mixes for 8Tracks from them, so check there if you need some new music.

I've been thinking a big about the fact that this is now 2013. Life has moved on so quickly. I feel as though I have not written in a long, long time. Written as in really written exactly what I wanted to and in such a way that I could feel good about it afterwards. Funny how that goes, it is like I"ve been lost the past little while, a hollow shell of what I have been. Emotion just were not as strong, I was the epitome of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". I was just happy to sit there in a static and forever gray state. It was not depression, I do not want you to think that. I just wasn't there. I wasn't anywhere. My chest was empty along with my heart, mind, and imagination. Creativity was impossible. I am good at covering things like that, and I doubt anyone really noticed. I just seemed like an absent minded professor.

Thank goodness that I can tell someone this. I can't describe how good it feels to get this down and figure out just what happened. This blog always listens to me and regardless of whether someone chooses to read this or not, I know that someone has already listened. For that I am grateful.

Now I am inviting you to come into my world. I will try to describe things as well as I can so that you may be able to forget that it is me writing it. In my philosophy writing class, we discussed good prose. My professor said that the best prose is the kind that acts as a window through which the reader can gaze through it and see, unobscured, the object on the other side. Good prose does not have faults in the window because you do not want to attract attention to the writing, if what people remember the most from something you wrote is the way that you wrote it, then you did it wrong. I think that is one of the main things that brought me here. I want to write again and I've been so worried about writing it well instead of just putting on paper the thoughts as they come. I never know what I'm going to finish the sentence with until I reach that point. That is how I find myself and that is how I channel that. If I can somehow, even though I am extremely inadequate, allow you to feel what I am and see things how I do then I would know I am doing something in this world. Making some mark.

The thought crossed my mind the other day regarding how I want to be thought of, this was sparked by a comment from a friend. I realized that I didn't know how I wanted people to think of me because it had never occurred to me that people think of me at all. As far as I am concerned, I come into someone's life and then I am out again without having made any lasting mark. The concept of people remembering me is ridiculous and I think that is why I started this blog. So I could remember myself. This is not a sad thing, it is merely something that I've always thought. The first time my mom told me that my brother had said in his prayer that he was glad I'd be home soon from school for Christmas made me cry. The idea that someone actually cared that I would be with them soon was foreign and I couldn't believe it. In my mind I have never been worth it, not in the sense that other people are. I have always felt in the background. I move, I change, I do the behind-the-scenes work that is hardly ever given credit. And I have liked it that way, with that I can pass through people's lives and I can experience what they are and then I can move on when they do. No attachment because everything changes, and the only attachment is in the moment. At one point that person and I were friends and we are not now, but that moment was perfect. That kind of thing. Finding out that people cared really made me think about my life. I still do not think that anyone thinks of me unless I am there with them, but I thought about the way I act and if that reflects my mindset. And it does, completely. I've never been able to understand why I act the way I do, not really, until now. I don't know why I bring that I up, but there it is, maybe I'll need it later.

The best way I can think of to organize my thoughts is by putting up on here my favorite pictures from the past year, many of these have honestly changed my life or have at least had an impact on the way I view the world, myself, and others.

This picture sums up the entire year for me. 2012 has been a year of incredible risks of every kind and I am intensely grateful for all of them that I took and I regret those that I did not because I can see how those that I have changed my life for the better. The universe said to me, "it's time to take a risk, sweetheart. " because it knew that I had never really done that before. I've been enjoying standing on the edge of the cliff with my parachute, feeling the exhilaration of the possibility before me. This year was the time for me to step off that cliff and stop talking.

This is me. Not many people know that, and honestly more people know it than I am aware of. There is no place that I feel more like me than when I am standing there alone looking at something like that. I stand there and I wonder what could be more perfect. Of course, having someone there to experience it with me would be great but the thing is I don't know anyone who experiences things like I do. I soak them in and allow them to fill me up. Breathing, thinking, and not wanting to talk. Darling, let's be adventurers. I think of that song that I linked to the top whenever I look at this picture.

How beautiful would that be? This goes along with what I was saying before about not wanting to be thought of. There is nothing that I do that is worthy of being thought about because there are so many great things that could inhabit your mind. I am not important. But when there is someone that I care about, I want to be able to exist like this even if only for a small amount of time. This was a theme of learning for this year.

This has changed my life. I quote this all the time and I constantly think of it. Whenever I have a hard day, or I feel alone in a class or something, I look around and I notice the art that is around me. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserved to be thought of in this way. Regardless of your station, ethnicity, history, or any other category. Everyone creates art that should be loved. That is what I have been trying to do this year. I look at the way someone holds their cup of tea and that is beautiful, etc. There is a poem by Derrick Brown that I've posted on here a couple of times, but there is a section where God shows him a screen with his life on it and over every image flashes the word 'Holy'. Every aspect of life is holy. Everyone does things that are beautiful and holy. If you take the time to see the sensitive and quiet moments to find that, you will know what I mean. It is the breath before the kiss. It is the way someone does their hair. The way someone eats their Subway sandwich. Holy.

Remembering to take things one at a time and appreciate the small things is what has kept me sane. This list helps me put things in perspective. While it is a little silly, okay it is hugely silly, it actually helped. I could look at it and realize the things that I actually want out of life. A yoga guru that I've been watching says that "If you sweat and laugh once a day, then that is the healthy life." And I believe that, in addition to "Anything can be cured with saltwater: tears, sweat, or the sea." I am still hopelessly romantic about the sea, but regardless I am able to think less on where I am now and instead where and who I want to be.

I needed to do that a huge amount this year. More than ever before. Initially, I could find peace and joy though my interactions with others. That is what energized me and that is how I kept myself from going crazy. However, this year it has been filled with much more introspection. Being with myself is when I have felt the most peace. Experiencing things on my own through a lens that is marred only by my own perceptions of the world has been freeing to the highest possible degree. Freeing myself and freeing my spirit. Another yoga instructor says that in everyday life, if you are stressed or lost just find your pose. find your breath. and there you will find yourself.

In keeping with this theme, I have had to figure out what it means to truly be alive. To experience things. To somehow figure out how to open my heart to the world, to pain. It goes right along with this other picture. I am afraid to say things, to love people, and afraid to go some places. I didn't realize it was because they would hurt until I read this. And I knew that was why. Those things matter and up till now I have been living somewhat of a half life. Now I am doing things that matter and can actually make a difference in my life. Up until now I have been the only one who knows these things. I hope you can do something useful with them.

What matters are these things. In the end, no one cares how you did in college. No one asks you how many books you read or how much music you wrote. Quantity does not matter. Nothing with quantity matters. How many people have you loved? That is not the question that is important. The real question is how have you loved? how deeply? how truly? how completely? Did you learn what true love is? Did you learn who you are? Did you find beauty in the world around you? Did you try things that scared you and did you learn from them? Did you make mistakes? How did you use that knowledge?

Those are the things that matter. I haven't figured anything out. Not really. But I am further along in my confusion than I was at the beginning of the year. I've listened to music that moved me, I found out some previously unknown aspects of myself, I found beauty, there was sweat and tears and laughter and the ocean, I made friends who have changed my life for the better, and I know my Savior more at the end of this year than I ever could have last January. Is there any other way to measure success?

Thanks 2012, you mattered to me.