Thursday, December 29, 2011

Miss Rumphius

As I alternate episodes of my Korean drama and Friends, I found myself here. Thinking again. I hate that, why can't I turn my brain off? Guys can do it just fine. But I can't seem to manage. There is always that nasty little thought sitting in the corner of my mind begging me to pay attention to it. I need to write it out of my mind.

It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.

I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.

You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.

Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.

There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.

ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.

I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.

I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.

There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.

Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!

Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.

It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.

I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.

P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


I've reached a point where I just need to write in order to maintain my sanity. I get restless when I don't travel and don't write. There is so much going through my mind and people just don't sit down and listen any more. I just need someone to listen. This blog will listen and I want it to listen. There are some people who may want to listen to me but it just is not the same. I cannot tell things to people who want to listen and I know they do not know what they are in for. But that is why I come here. Listen if you want, shut me off if you want. I will take it either way.

There are so many beautiful things in this world that people overlook. I like to think of myself as the person who was put on Earth to notice them, to notice the little things. Tonight, my friends and I went to Temple Square to see the lights. I was debating with this one girl about what the word romance means. She was convinced that it was strictly about love and passion and attraction between two people. I disagreed. I believe that romance can be used to describe the magic of a situation and sometimes it can add to the romance between people. The dictionary says that romance is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I LOVE that definition. There was so much romance tonight, but not between people. Salt Lake City was brimming with romance tonight. The way the lights looked, the gnarled tops of the trees next to the temple, the Spanish-influence building South of the temple, the way steam flowed from the nostrils of the horses, the light sound of bagpipes coming from a street performed, the mournful violin, the majesty of the Christus statue juxtaposed with the cosmic backdrop, and the little children going over to touch the robes. It was all romantic. It was all full of wonder that seemed to disrupt everyday life.

That was all I had to say about that. Somehow I feel that writing more about it would ruin it or make it worth less. What more is there to say? My mind is still racing and I cannot figure out why.

I have been bombarded by situations all around that make me want to write, like an actual book. But that is a bit embarrassing and I won't go there right now. Maybe later. But not now.

So many different thoughts but none of them seem worth pursuing. I have felt so lost and inadequate this past little while, and now that I am doing a bit better I don't want to delve back into that. I don't want to dwell on hopelessly romantic (different definition) ideas because that will put me in a weird mood for the next few days and with finals here, I cannot bring myself to do that. Although I have realized that writing about situations that would inspire me to write something here usually puts those situations from my mind and that person and I am home free. I can forget about them and just go back to the usual dynamic. Nothing weird, because when I think about things like this and don't write them down I tend to internalize it and that is when things go downhill. I just think too much.

Okay, the only thing I can think about doing is writing about nothing and everything all at the same time. This next little bit will be a serious of ugly, disconnected thoughts that really have nothing to do with anything and will hopefully make me feel better. If you do not understand, please forgive me but I will not bother to explain. Unless you are dying to know, and even then it is debatable. Here goes.

That is hilarious. I just wrote this huge paragraph and it didn't save because I wasn't logged into the network. But I feel so much better. I'll write again, but this will be different.

Have you ever looked at the space between the moon and the Earth and marveled at the sheer immensity of it all? We are so insignificant and tiny. Oh man I am tired. Romance is just following me everywhere. Not for me though. It is never for me. Which I am perfectly content with. But I can't stand having my mind filled with it because it makes it so difficult for me to concentrate on anything else. It has just been one of those weeks. Everything has been beautiful, even if in a dark way, and full of potential that I cannot think of anything else. I want to share it with someone but there is no one that would listen. The one person I think who would but only does occasionally. Very much selective hearing. But I can say anything I want to here and I can take as long as I want to say it. I just want to go somewhere. I want to walk. I want to walk forever and not stop until I have seen all the world and am content knowing that I have met everyone that I needed to and saw all that I was created to see. I need movement, I need change. I just need to get out of here. It isn't a bad statement, I don't hate it here. I have a pretty darn good situation. But I just need to leave because my feet are starting to burn up with desire to move and I'm fairly certain I have developed a severe case of cabin fever. One random thing that has been bugging me all day. You know when you're hanging out with someone and you're having fun or at least enjoying yourself a little bit and you think the other person is too but then they talk to one of their friends on the phone and belittle you almost by saying "oh no, its only ---" or whatever? Yeah. I hate that. You are where you are so embrace it. There will never be another moment exactly like that one and so embrace the beauty of its transience and love what you're doing. Make the best of it. If you live to always be somewhere else, then you're missing out on most of life. Life is born out of the spontaneous moments of truth and joy, not out of planned and typical meetings. You need to step out of your comfort zone to truly take life by the reigns. Live it and love it and seize all you can. Live as though you'll never be where you are again because there are so many places to see and people to meet that it is quite likely that you never will. Make it memorable. If it is memorable for me, then I assume it is for you too. If it isn't I am sorry but my memories stay where they are. All I can say is that you are missing out, my friend.

Wow. That was long. But I feel better. And with that, goodnight moon.