As I alternate episodes of my Korean drama and Friends, I found myself here. Thinking again. I hate that, why can't I turn my brain off? Guys can do it just fine. But I can't seem to manage. There is always that nasty little thought sitting in the corner of my mind begging me to pay attention to it. I need to write it out of my mind.
It sucks, quite frankly. Sitting here, thinking about all the random things that you've said and I can't bring myself to not care. I don't want to care! But I can't help it.
I was talking with a friend about this today, I like the idea of you. You are so great. You like the same music as me, you introduced me to new music, you like to drive, you want to take me on a drive, you showed me Sandlot, you introduced One Day to me, you can tap dance, you can rock 80s band t-shirts, you look so good when you just look at me like you did those couple of times, you like cookie dough, and you can play guitar. There are plenty of other things but this will do for my purposes. Now, you have all of that going for you. Why do you have to ruin it by not being who I think you are? So many times I talk and you don't listen. But I forget about those times because I'll notice when you do listen. Looking back on it, you really didn't care. I was just the next person there. I liked what I made you out to be, not what you actually are. There are some times where I felt that you weren't being honest in character. You're an actor, you should know what I'm talking about. You on the tunnel, that was you. I felt good and I think you did too. BUT you with friends and stuff, not you. It is you trying to be cool because you feel that there is a front you have to keep up.
You're a hipster. By definition you shouldn't do that. You don't have to fit into that mold. Break the mold, shatter it into a million pieces, and become yourself. Something entirely new. Discover something. Be creative. You need to thrust your hands into the wet clay of your young life. Don't let others hold your hands for you.
Now you've trapped me in the CDs you've made me. I hate you. So very, very much. Actually, no. I take that all back. I don't hate you because I am trying to not care enough to hate you. I want you to be that person that I see. The one who drives with me and stuff and wants to hang out with me and tells me that. Right now, I feel disposable. You asked that one girl on a date, totally not like me. But, if that is your type then can we please just be friends? I'll give up these silly, ridiculous romantic imaginings if we can just hang out and there is nothing there. I was fine the last time, until you left and I started thinking about how I just wanted to hang out with you for hours on end. You're fun to talk to. Why did I tell you all that crap? EMBARRASSING. I showed you that one video...mistake.
There is so much more to you than you make out. Correction: than you let out. And I hate that. People who cannot be honest in character have no place in my life. We'll call you Dexter for the purposes of this blog. Goodbye my dear Dex. Leave me alone, let me get some sleep, relinquish your hold on my life. I don't care if it is not on purpose, but if you have no intention on reciprocating, then deuces homeslice.
ANYWAYS. I honestly hate writing about boys, but sometimes I can't help it. I've been watching too many Korean dramas.
I've resigned myself to a lonely life. At least for the next year or so. And really, all I want is a boy. I don't want a relationship. I don't want any of that. I just want a guy to be there when I need him. A best guy friend. They are so much more ... sane than girl friends. They are solid, blunt, and caring and have a canny ability to make you feel better no matter what. That is all I want. A hand to hold occasionally and have it not mean anything. Just a sign of our friendship. But that's not going to happen. Guys don't think like that. Dex, I thought you did.
I do things before thinking about the consequences. I'll talk about how romantic the snow is and the way it falls in the lights but I don't mean that I want it to be romantic between us. I am a hopeless romantic and that is what we do best: find romance in the smallest things. We look at the world in terms of romance. The definition for the word is: a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life. I see the world through the lens of a camera, meaning I notice details and I find joy in them. I love the romance that courses through the air like electricity on a high voltage fence when I walk through the streets at night and see the snow falling, casting miniscule shadows as they drift down past the streetlamps. I can't help it. It is my nature.
There are so many things about me that you don't know. This is Emily the Writer speaking, did you know I like to write? I have ADD. I traveled to China for theatre. I love the rain. I love How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Development, and Korean dramas. I am a traveler, and everything I do has to do with that. I used to compose music. My eyes become half-moons when I smile and I love it because one day I know that it will give me the most beautiful wrinkles. I love scars. I have a weakness for benches, alleys, paths, and doors. I sit on the top of the car. Even though my family thinks I hate driving, that isn't true because I love to drive myself places and listen to music and think. I hate nail polish. Tube socks are one of the best inventions ever. And I want to have my own garden one day.
Bet you didn't know that. Bet you never thought to ask. I wrote this so I could get you out of my mind once and for all. You'll always be with your ex-girlfriend. Regardless of what happens, she will always be there. I can't top that. I can't sing. Bye, Dex!
Sorry, that is probably THE worst post I have written in at least the last six months. I HATE writing about boys because it makes me feel like a prepubescent teen who is swooning over someone like Justin Beiber. Yeah, yeah we all go through this. But not really, we don't ever try to understand each other because we feel that we are so different from anyone else. I don't want sympathy from this post. I don't want you to feel as though we are in the same boat. I just want whoever is reading this to know that regardless of the boy I'm even slightly interested in, I will remain true to my character and not deviate from the elemental human being that I am. I will always be me, and in reality that is all I have. Boys will come and go, friends will come and go, and places will come and go. Be good to yourself and be honest to yourself. You are only damaging yourself if you pretend to be something you're not. All you have is you. Make sure that you are comfortable with that. With your own skin. Inside your own mind.
It has taken me a while to be completely comfortable in my mind. Its a crazy, dark place in there. But I love it. I write because then I'm able to take the words that circle around inside it and express them in ways that give it a deeper, newer meaning that I never would have thought of otherwise. I find myself when I lose myself in words.
I've used up all of mine today, and I find that I'm starting to get a bit tired. Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Cow-jumping over the Moon.
P.S. I was going to title this: Roll To Me. But that reminds me too much of you, Dex. I am instead calling it Miss Rumphius. That is a name that is the title of one of my favorite children's books. It is a story of a woman that changes the world around her. She promised her grandfather that she would make the world a better place. She becomes a librarian, then a traveler, and finally the Lupine Lady. As she walks around her little town by the sea, she sprinkles seeds of lupines everywhere and each year the blossom and bloom and people know that she was there. She tells stories of all the places she has gone and gets helpers to assist in her planting. I have always wanted to be her, and I still do. It is a beautiful book about a beautiful person. I dedicate this post to Alice Rumphius.