I let my mind run wild and free
If i sink or swim, only one way to find out
How it ends
The lover's fight
Should I keep my walls up high and tall?
Strong and steady, no fear at all
If I go blind from all this love,
at least it was you I was thinking of
So take what you will and I'll take the rest
I'll jump overboard and into this
Those are lyrics from Angel Taylor's new song that she posted on facebook, "The Lover's Fight". Its pretty chill and stuff, so I like it. It definitely fits the mood of the night. There is nothing I want to do more than be at peace. There was this one kid who kept inviting me to do stuff tonight, and it isn't that I don't want to. I wouldn't mind. But tonight is a night where I am thinking about everything, in a really really good way. For those of you who understand Doctor Who, it is as though I am going through a regeneration cycle and I am just finding my bearing before I go and talk with people. The past few weeks I haven't been so good at the saying words good thing. I'm having a little bit of rehab tonight so that I can be normal when conversing hopefully at some point. But, let's not hold our breath for anything, miracles happen once in a while and I might be so lucky.
There are so many random things that I want to write about, but I can't figure out where to start. I talked to my mom this week, and thank goodness for mothers. She is one of my best friends, honestly. She talks to me like an equal and I do the same. She called me once and just started ranting about how our house was just breaking down, then she boasted about my siblings and stuff, and said something about how she hasn't had much contact with adults recently. I don't mind at all, because I love hearing about my family. I am so proud of all of them and where they are! They are doing so well and I really could not love them all more. But anyways, my talk with Mom this week. I called her about this dilemma that I am having, and I told her the basic outline of what was up and asked her about what I should do. When she told me her opinion, everything fell into place and made sense. I could not believe that I had gone that long without talking to her because the problem became much more clear and a feeling of peace and patience came over me.
She said that I just needed to think about what "Cool Emily" would do. That may sound like an insult or something, but I promise that it is not. "Cool Emily" is the person that I would like to be some day. When I pick out clothes, I think of what this ideal person would wear. It is how I perceive myself on the best of days and it is also the conglomeration of everything that I hear or see that I want to integrate as a part of myself. "Cool Emily" is the personification of all those ideals and thoughts. So when she said that, it all made sense. How would a calm, composed, and independent person deal with this? She would do so with patience, respect, and honesty. She would do it in a way that may cause a little pain on her part but would preserve the pride of the other person because she knows that she can lose pride and wouldn't want to hurt anyone. The "Uncool Emily" or whatever I am now didn't and is not doing that. When I realized that, and realized how much I need to apologize for, my stomach dropped. There is so much and I have been in the wrong about everything. I should not have done things the way that I did or let them affect me the way that I have. Cool Emily is strong. Yes she is able to be hurt and such, but she is strong enough to know that life will keep moving on even though she wants it to stop. She smiles, stands up tall, and uses whatever happened to make herself a better person instead of letting it sit and make her miserable. She knows that you cannot change the past.
How I wish I could change some things of the past. There are so many points in my life that I can see now and see the way I acted and wish I could change it. I'd be a better student, friend, daughter, sister, etc. But you cannot go back and change the past. There is a phrase in Arabic: اللي فات مات. "Illi faat maat." What it means literally is that which is past is dead. While the past has made me who I am, I cannot go back and change it as if it is some protean, living being. There is nothing about it which can be altered now. And that makes me sick, to tell you the truth. UGH I can be such an idiot about things sometimes. I get carried away and forget about who I am striving to be and why. I get lost in my head and my emotions hotwire the system and I feel like they take my heart for a joyride. What I said is done, I cannot retract them and I cannot explain my way out of them. They sit there like a cold bowl of oatmeal. As much as you want to get rid of it, you have to let them sit until some hot water loosens it up to the point where you can dispose of it. But with words, the hot water comes from the other person and together you decide to forget the past. If they don't want to turn on the tap, for good reason too, you are stuck with a bowl of cold oatmeal that not even Goldilocks would try.
Tonight though, tonight was for me. I put on some leggings and an oversized plaid shirt from my DI boyfriend (my boyfriend refers to the relationship that I have with the men's section at DI... comfortable clothing for the win..) and I curled up with my favorite blanket, favorite tea, a full stomach, folk music, and the Odyssey. The Odyssey was less than desirable I swear if I read the phrase 'Dawn comes early, on rosy fingers' one more time, I'll reanimate Homer just so I can have the satisfaction of being the cause of his second death. But it has been good. I should go talk to people, I know. But I've been figuring out some stuff today and I was social this morning. So, I'm letting myself off. Just this once.
Ever After, in VHS form, is currently in our VCR and I am soo ready to hit play. Since I don't want to stop writing, I figure I might as well discuss what this movie always makes me think of: Romance. I love watching romance movies because it puts me back into my favorite role, that of the observer. Nothing ever happens to me, so I am the observer. That is not entirely true, romantic stuff does happen to me. But what I mean is that I am once again logical. Also, my friends are the ones who deserve these kind of romance stories. I like to imagine that one day I will be the star in my story, but let's be real. I am a Joan Cusack character for life.
ANYWAYS. I just wanted to make a quick list of some of my favorite film relationships.
- Harold and Maude. This is one of my favorites because it deals with more than love in a romantic sense. While that is there, it involves a love for life. Maude develops in Harold a love for humanity, for experience, for feeling everything that you possibly can no matter how crazy or painful it may be.
- Danielle and Prince Henry. Every. Single. Time. I watch this movie, I fall in love with this romance. It makes me want to cry. When he comes and saves her and she runs across the courtyard and into his arms, I have to squeeze whatever pillow I'm holding because it makes me so ecstatically happy. And how he just talks to her about anything. Plus they have some of the best kisses in movie history.
- Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. DUH. She is just so perfect, and he is too. They both have to undergo a change before anything can happen and they do it because they love each other. It is hard, but itis worth it in the end. I also love how she says to Mr. Darcy, "It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly." Elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations." I love this because they knew each other well enough to believe exactly what the intentions of the other were. Such a beautiful scene. Best telling comes from the book.
- Jane Eyre and Rochester. While this is not perfect, I love how devoted they are to each other. They are both weird and have enough baggage to fill an aircraft carrier, but they accept that and it does not change either one's opinion of the other.
- Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 things I hate about you). Okay, this is not the best romance ever or anything. But they are up here because they legitimately have one of the top three kisses EVER. Ever time it is fantastic.
Since I'm on a role... Why stop? Because I do not want to overwhelm you. Although I will leave you with a list of most romantic songs, that are so because it is my humble opinion.
- Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. This song tells an incredible story and has a feeling that just kind of stays with you.
- Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch. Just wow, I love this song a huge amount and something new pops out every time I listen to it. It actually made me cry the first time I heard it.
- Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. Everything about this song is perfect, absolutely everything. I could listen to it all day everyday if I didn't think it would put me in a weird mood. It is beautiful and her voice is great for it and it is just... it just is.
- Check Yes or No by George Strait. It would be so easy to make a list of just country songs, but I'll do my best to vary the selection. This song has a special place in my heart, it was always on the radio when I was a kid so it makes me practically giddy to hear it. I would sing this one at the top of my lungs and it reminds me of perfect days in the car with my family going on some adventure with the sun on my face, wind blowing, and a smile stretching from ear to ear.
- While this is not a song, it is my favorite... track. I guess you could call it that. A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me. Watch it. Fall in love with it. Let it change you.
I feel like that is enough for tonight. Let this month be different. Do something that scares you. My scripture bookmark says:
Maybe there's something you're afraid to say,
or someone you're afraid to love,
or somewhere you're afraid to go.
It's gonna hurt.
It's gonna hurt because it matters. ---John Green
Let the design in the stars be the same in the rebuilt machinery of your hearts. Let November be a month where you allow yourself to change or do something different.