Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Growing Up, Child

"Growing up, child, is just a matter of time. Forgiven all you've got so won't you dance under the sun?"

I feel like I've grown up too quickly sometimes. These past few weeks, it is like I've completely forgotten how to have fun. I've been completely absorbed in myself. That means that I don't want to do anything, schoolwork has been a huge challenge to accomplish, and I just want to sit, think, and listen to music. I haven't been able to focus. It is almost like my brain is tired. It just does not want to work anymore. I can hear it, "Nope, you can't make me!"

Relating to people has been difficult too. I"ve been so lost in my thoughts that I'll zone out halfway through what someone else is saying. I try to focus, really I do!! But I get completely turned around in my own head. Everything seems to come in waves. The ebb and flow is mesmerizing on that cosmic and internal plane. I feel my soul as it swells and washes over my consciousness and then flows away and I feel empty and cold. But when it is there I feel restored and like myself. But then the tide comes again and back I go. Like a turtle into my shell.

Why am I like this? Who knows. I haven't really thought about it hard enough to have an answer. It has been so long since I've felt this way that I kind of like it. There is a feeling of sadness and melancholy that makes it seem as though my soul just settles into a little clump at the bottom of my stomach, pulls up it's comforter, and hunkers down with a cup of tea and a good book. Because it does that, it makes it so that it is all that I want to do.

But I can't. There are so many things to accomplish. I need to get going on my new job, my old job, and the other potential job. I need to pull my grades up. I need to get my homework done on time. I need to read my scriptures. I need to eat. I need to serve. There are so many different things on my mind, I just want to curl up in a hole and not talk to anyone. Read a book, listen to the rain, and just worry about me again. Let the feelings wash over me and then go away. I'm kind of done feeling for a little while.

But this is all probably because I'm tired and stressed. So these feelings might not even be real. Comforting, right?.../

I have a friend who I really look up to who came out here and we've been hanging out. I love talking with her because she really centers me. She reminds me that it is okay to be me because I haven't been so sure recently. We talked about everything and she's still here for a day or so which means we'll hang out some more. But she is so sure of herself, it makes me want to be as well. I can be strong, sure, and unique. There is some way to do it. I know it. Legit, she is pretty much the coolest person I know and I am SO glad she came out here!

This week... man. It has been so long. It's only Tuesday. But, I know this is one of those weeks where I"ll look back on it and see how fast it has gone. Can't wait for that! I'm stuck in that ebb and flow of apathy and grayness and it is starting to take a toll on my mind. It's getting to that point where I'm focusing on what I don't have. Which can't happen. I need to focus on what I am grateful for. I can't keep thinking about how beautiful everyone else is, how secure everyone else is, how carefree some people have it, how together everyone is. While I'm the opposite of all those things right now. Not beautiful, not secure in life, not as carefree as I'd like to be, and how alone I can feel sometimes. But, everyone feels like that at some point. Or at least I like to think so. Its been a dark blue week. "Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?"

I keep wondering what to write, but I feel like I'd regret a lot of things. If you want to know, just ask me and I might tell you. But if you don't want to talk to me, that is fine to. I don't blame you.

Issalamu aleekum.

Let the moon softly restore you by night, the sun restore you by day, and let the wind play with your hair. Find that peace and be happy.

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