Saturday, August 21, 2010


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

This is kind of how I'm feeling today. It's been a long couple of days. I'm sorry if you're reading this. It's completely pointless to you probably, but it helps me immensely. I needed it right now.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hello Darkness, my old friend

It's one of those nights that I can't get to sleep, my mind is too busy. I don't know what to think.

It's beautiful outside. Solid eighty degrees w/ a breeze and enough clouds to highlight the moon but you can still see the stars. It's a lover's night. Or a thinker's night, or a dreamer's. It can be whatever it wants to be and won't be thought of differently.

I have had a crazy summer. It has truly been one of the best. I feel much more secure about so many of the good things I do. I have more confidence to be who I am, in my true form. And I feel like I will be accepted for it. It's a very freeing feeling.

But one thing about my summer I wish would happen is ... well ... I don't really want to say it. It's wishful thinking and is probably completely wrong. But, needless to say, my friend Bronwen and I have been wanting to do a double date thing. We have some stuff planned and it would be really fun! My problem is that I don't really have anyone to take. She knows people because she is social and everybody loves her. I'm sort of like that, but not with church people (because those are the people I'd want to bring). I know a lot out here, I'm just not really close enough to any of them to ask if they'd want to go on a date. I did meet one person that I would love to go on a date with, but he isn't here right now. The weird thing is that I feel like I connected with him on a much deeper level than most any person I know. It's weird and I haven't known him that long, but there it is.

Like I said, I can't sleep and I'm hoping that by writing this down, I'll be able to catch some z's tonight. I have this guy here that thinks he knows me...but he really doesn't. We watch the same movies. That's it. And honestly, I become good friends with someone if we have the same music, because music is really important to me. But not movies. Whatevs. And I have this friend that goes on dates with this guy, and I'm jealous. I wish I could do that. But I can't. And there really isn't anyone else out here that I'm interested in. Again, I know this sounds weird, and I'm sorry. You're probably not going to even read this. But if you do, understand that I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm just the kind of person that likes to say these things and hope you don't read this, but secretly I hope you do. Because it's something that I wouldn't say to your face right now. *sigh* this just sounds worse the more I talk.

Point is, I wish I knew you better and that you were here so we could talk. But thank you for everything and best of luck at college(: You can text me anytime! Or call. Haha

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Life was easier when we were 3 feet tall

Wow. Life goes fast. I keep forgetting.

The reason I say that is we found a phone in our extra room that my mom had in Jakarta. It's one of the early motorola razors. My sister really wanted it because she doesn't actually have a phone. So she found the charger so we could use it. We turned it on today and found a bunch of pictures on it from there.

Now, bear with me here because I get slightly nostalgic when I think about my time overseas. But one of the reasons is that I don't have much to remember it by. We lost the majority of our pictures and I didn't keep a very good journal. Therefore, my memory is starting to fade.

It's hard because that was one of the biggest events in my life so far. I'd never had a best friend or really been accepted by people until I moved there. I'd moved to so many schools and stuff that Jakarta International School was the first school I'd been at for more than a year. I'd gone to a Catholic preschool, a different kindergarten, then I was homeschooled 1st-4th grade. Then I went to 5th grade, and then a new middle school and finally we moved to Jakarta.

I say all of that because life moves fast. I'm only seventeen and I acknowledge that and I know that things happen quickly. It may not seem so while you're in it. But it does. You look back and sometimes even regret blinking and missing that millisecond. Most people don't realize that until it's too late.

While we are so busy trying to grow up, we miss so much. You're only a kid once. You can be a 'grown up' forever. There is a song, Grow Down, and one of the lines goes like this: Life was easier when we were three feet tall. When you made mistakes you didn't have so far to fall. Problems are so far away, when you're so close to the ground. Why can't we all just grow down?

And I love that song, and that chorus in particular. (I also liked: planning for the future meant saturdays). It's so true that life seemed easier. Now I'm planning for college and such. It's a little scary. And I miss the days when I could run outside and play for hours on end with no real consequences, except maybe sunburn.

To close I guess, I'll just say that I might as well enjoy every minute I have. There will only be one August 4, 2010 in my life. And I'd like to remember it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

I had something I wanted to say, and now that I'm at the computer I've forgotten. It reminds me of that line in Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy wanted to hear Elizabeth play the pianoforte and they had a small discussion resulting in her saying that neither of them performed for an audience and would not say anything that would not impress the whole room.

Obviously, I am not Elizabeth. But, I feel like writing. So I shall.

I'm in another one of my pathetically romantic moods. But I won't bore you with that.

I've been feeling kind of lame lately, for a plethra of reasons. And one night I was feeling particularly on the lame side of the cool spectrum and picked up my ipod. I hit shuffle (because I can never pick one song to listen to) and it went to Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne. It was one of the old Avrils, not one where she is posing as a punky cheerleader.

That song has always been one of my favorites because I've always wanted to be Anything But Ordinary. I do that in my small little ways. Mostly it's just me being myself. And that's all anyone can ask for.

That's all I have for tonight, mostly because my sister and I are going to be watching Pushing Daisies (my new favorite show). Fare thee well.