Sunday, June 26, 2011

We could dream this night away.

Here I am.

Me. Myself. I.


And confused.

Not about being single, I embrace that with all the vigor I have for the past 18 years. But I'm confused about practically everything. Initially this was going to be a post of me ranting about my insecurities. But I'm just not ready to open up like that yet. I don't know if I'll ever delve into that dark pool, but when I do it will be with someone I trust. Not the world wide web.

I suppose that I should follow up that vague statement of confusion with an explanation for why I am in such a thing is love. I'm not talking about high school relationships love, because I'm hesitant to say that even applies. We use that word so loosely now in society that it has almost lost its meaning. "I love you" is no longer a sacred phrase meant to be uttered only if you meant it and knew what kind of effect it could have. But when I talk about love I mean the kind that lasts forever. The kind that keeps you with a person for time and all eternity. As I head off to college, specifically my college, I realize that its in these next few years that people are getting married. I'm so young, I don't feel that I can be myself enough to make a decision that will affect my eternal life within the next few years. I honestly don't know if there is someone out there for me. I've begun to look around and see couples at church and stuff and I pick out things I like about each relationship. I know what I want my marriage to be like, but I need a boy for that. I have had only one official boyfriend ever. And that didn't turn out well. So my faith in the male race is dwindling. I see all the movies and shows that tell you what is 'supposed' to happen. But I need something real. Tangible. And I'm just confused about what my husband will be like. I know that he will be great and such. But I really don't know and I would like to be sure...If you're a dude and reading this, sorry if it sounds awkward that I'm talking about marriage. But it is on my mind.

I'm also lacking spiritually. But I don't feel comfortable going into that right now. That is between me and God, those times when I sit on the roof of my car...thought/prayer sessions? Yes.

The other thing is that I don't feel like I deserve a lot of what I get. Compliments and such, when people give them to me I either ignore them, deny them, or both while complimenting you back. I don't ever truly feel like I'm deserving of any compliments that I receive. Because I don't feel like I am any of the things that people say. So along with the whole husband thing, I feel like I don't have a right to ask for the best because I'm not..

ANYWHO. I'm not generally this insecure. There has just been so much going on and there are so many changes. Not the kind I like. I usually love change, moving and such. It is one of my favorite things. But this change is the kind that isn't unique and can hurt. Money, your future, etc...It is a buttload of pressure for anyone to face. Much less an 18 year old. So I'm adjusting. I'm also adjusting to the fact that now I have to work to have friends. There aren't any more 'forced' friendships. No longer will I be able to ask someone to hang out just because we have something in common and happen to sit next to each other in a class. Wild...

So if anyone wants to hang out, hit me up! Because I'll want to hang.

It just started to rain. My windows are open, my room smells like rain, and I'm writing while eating my mint ice cream. This is what I call a good night. Good ol' Billie Holiday in my ear. Joy and sorrow mixed together. This is my life. This is where I am.

Care to join me?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I must become the lion-hearted girl

So, I should be writing letters of appreciation to teachers and yearbook entries for friends. But tonight, I find myself doing none of this. I've had a fully relaxing day. I've got to go to school tomorrow to view my drama final project, and for some reason that stresses me out...I'm out of school. Why do I care? I think what stresses me out is the whole going back thing. I feel like I'm just ditching everyone I know, just so I can hand select the people I hang out with and many times just be alone. I feel guilt. I shouldn't, but I do. That is what is stressing me I think.

ANYWAYS. Instead of doing anything truly productive, I am looking at this website:

One of the coolest ideas. What they do is give you a word and then a minute to write about it, then they post it. I know, I sound like an ad...but seriously. SO COOL. here are some clips of what I found under the word "EMBRACE":

"I've embraced a lot of things in my life: my actions, my regrets, and everything in between. I don't complain. A life with sorrow is no life at all.

The feeling you get to be held by the person you love as though you are the most important thing in the whole entire world. If he ever let you go you would slip from reality and drift away into the abyss. The touch that makes people quiver and shake and wonder and hope and love.

Two flowers from the same stem

Embrace life, you only live once. Life curves and sways and you never know whats next but there is always something next. One grand adventure after another without any control. Embrace the chaos and live.

Come. I am waiting.

I lost time, I groped for words. The inner editor should die as I embrace freedom. Freedom to be mistaken. I embraced my self completely, knowing that I finally see the light, where the love for words emanate; where it shall stay free forever...I hear my old self whisper "Goodbye, I spent good times with you."

No tricks. No nothing. Just simplicity.

This year drained me. Those arms refreshed me. There truly is no better place to be than snuggled inside of them. This has by far been the most difficult time of life, still looking back on these past twelve months, I would have to say WORTH IT. All of these hard times have been so worth it knowing that I have, to look forward to, and can greater appreciate an eternity, perfectly embraced.

All is well with the world. snuggled and safe. honey oozed from the nostrils of a sleeping protective dragon with a stolen cave where pressure and strife and anger cannot reach. here in the peace and warm we sleep embraced in...

That cool night, embraced by a midnight blue blanket of stars and constellations, felt like a dream. As the wind whipped through my hair, I couldn't help but remember the past, of what happened on a night like this.

I stood there, at the edge of the still room, eyes on his back.His neck was always so strong and muscular against my cheek. I listened as he breathed in deeply then turned, moved towards me, embraced me. Wow.

He embraced her as they wished that the moment would last for eternity. His eyes glistened and tears dribbled from her eyelashes. They just wanted to stay on that road forever, even in the rain.

I was standing on the corner of West St and 39th, it was raining and the drops were making their way through my sweater. My gaze was fixated at the upper window of a small apartment building. There I saw two shadows, come together and I embraced the fact that my life wasn't quite what I thought it was.

The night engulfs us with the stars above, mystery without and within. So enamored are we with the darkness, yet we flee to the light. When he embraces me in his arms and with his lips, I am terrified like I am of the darkness. Why flee to what is comfortable? Why not embrace that which embraces us with all of its dark and mysterious fury? True love is born from the night, not from the day, and that is when love's greatest expression is most greatly expressed.

I turned the corner...and that's when I met you. It was when I least expected it. I wasn't looking, wasn't searching for you. I wondered where you were for so long and you were right there-just around the corner."

Those are just a 'few' examples of the kind of stuff they have on this website. I think it is a beautiful idea, getting people's honest intentions and streams of consciousness.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The stardust of a song

I want people to hear me. I have nothing to say, and yet I want someone to read this. I wonder who exactly reads this...feel free to let me know who you are. I'm curious.

I go to seek a great perhaps. I look at the space between us and the stars and know that it is out there. The great perhaps and who ever it is that I'm going to seek it with. Maybe no one for a while. Who knows?

Right now I'm listening to my friend's playlist that he made me. The piano is gorgeous. It is transcendental. Possessing a melody that somehow floats between this world and the spiritual one, dancing the line of demarcation. The tunes of angels. I can't help but listen and look at the stars. They are forever there. The melody is somehow man trying to figure out why? Why do the stars remain there when humans do nothing to deserve it? Yes, science can explain it. But honestly and metaphysically why? I'm a poet. Stars are more than balls of hot gas. They are guides and sanctuaries.

Almost like this music. Maybe this music is what a star would sound like if it was constricted to a melody.

My iTunes is on shuffle. Strangers in the Night by Sinatra just came on. I have always loved that song. Why? Maybe because I always thought it would be beautiful to be walking along the moonlight pier and find some lost soul doing the same thing and fall in love for ever in that one instant. There is something so moving about fate. What are the chances? Somehow that always seals the love. In my mind at least. Against all odds and chances, the two right people met each other at just the right moment.

Darren Criss is on now. Do guys really think like that? If they do, why do they not express it? Seriously, girls would be all over a guy who knows how to express themselves like in Darren's song: "Sami". Okay, at least I would be. There is something so honest and true, yet beautiful and delicate about that song. You can just see him thinking of her as he wrote the song. Beating out the tune on the piano, three in the morning. "The way her hair falls in her face". It is kind of like Ben Rector's songs. Guys, girls need to hear this stuff. They need to know that they're doing something right. That they look good. That you love it when they push their hair back like that. It doesn't have to be in a romantic way. Just a guy letting a girl know she looks good.

This is the most shallow post in a while, please forgive me. And I'm off to bed. I'm going to try to go for a run before dawn. Think time.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

No one would believe it except for all the people watching as you fly away

I just want to write. Write. Write. And write. I've been wanting to write something for a while, but never felt motivated. Or like I had anything of value to say. I've just been coasting for the past little while and have become lost in the absence of it all. I don't have to actually be mentally present for it, so I've gotten lost.

And here I am. Trying to find something again.

Lost. Lost. Lost. It is a Dave Matthews night. Sweet guitar, soothing beat, and words that mean nothing unless you make them. As everything comes to a close, I find myself shutting off from the people around me. Except for a select few, as in two. I try to make myself cry because I know that I'll never get this back. But I am somehow beyond tears without realizing that I ever really passed that stage. I went straight to hole in my heart. It is a familiar feeling. I feel empty. Completely drained of all emotion and left feeling as though I've always been this way. I've become the girl who stares off into space, thinking of nothing. It sounds boring, but its a void. What do you fill it with? My friend and I were talking about how we have been quiet. It isn't as though we don't have anything to say. We do. Most of the time. But it just isn't worth it to say it, this is where the void comes from.

Phases. It comes and goes. But in the end, it is always there. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to say. The number of people I want to say "I'm sorry" to. I'm beginning to realize I won't be able to do that. I can't bring myself to now. I've told myself that I would, but I never got around to it. I was scared I guess. Okay, I can tell now that this is going to be the most vulnerable I've been in a long time. The most honest I've been with myself for a very very long time. Now, I know I've hurt people. I've run away when they try to get close. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've been selfish. To think that I could hurt someone. But I have. I've lost a friend that was very dear to me, and I regret it. Not just because he seemed really amazing tonight. But because tonight made me realize what I missed out on. They tell you when you break up, that the other person "doesn't know what they're missing". I do. And I'm sorry for what I've put you through. You'll never read this but I feel better for just saying it.

And to all the people I've pushed away. I KNOW that some of you will read this. Know that I'm sorry. I will miss all the times we didn't hang out. Or even get to know each other better. But our memories will be some of the sweetest I have from high school. All four years. Thank you for being there. You have hurt me before. But we passed that, without even talking about it. I know your friends tell you what I say, and I don't know whether that is good or bad but there it is. I hope that you'll think of me every once in a while, and they'll be good memories.

I just can't deal with normal high schoolers. I can't bring myself to like what they like, say what they say, focus on the things they do without losing my grip on reality. I become no longer grounded in what I believe but on what society believes. That foundation is always moving, shifting, changing and when you are based on that you have no choice but to go with it and not lose balance. I feel like now, finally after four years, I have a base. I know who I am and what I am looking for. As best as I ever have before at least. Everything else has become superfluous.

I think of all the people I didn't get to know, all the things I didn't say, all the chances I never took because I was too scared. My brain functions weird in regards to memories. If I pretend to be someone else, I forget that time period. It isn't like acting, I remember that. How I felt, how the character felt. The swirl the dust makes in the stage lights. The live dusk of the theatre. But when I pretend to be someone else, I lose myself and therefore forfeit my memories. For example, when there is a cute lifeguard at the pool, I "perform" for him. Okay, that sounds dirty. But stay with me! I act in a way that I think would get them to notice me and I become the kind of person I think they would like. I don't remember much of going to the pool last year...enough said. This year I gave up. I knew I did that and I wanted to stop. I've embraced life so much more this year than in the past. Embraced who I was and found potential through routes that I had not otherwise taken.

I've gone with my gut. When I get a feeling to do something that is okay and is something that I've wanted to do, I do it. Like when I go to my thinking spots. There I become me. My feet connect with the Earth and my head with the Heavens. I exist in such a profound way that it is hard to talk to anyone about high school after. Because in my space I don't have to think about who likes who and crap like that. There it is me and my thoughts. My questions. My conundrums. Last time I went there, a friend came and joined me. That was seriously one of the best experiences I've had through high school. I almost cried because there is someone who now knows me, the ethereal and yet elemental me, without any of my pretenses. We didn't talk about high school. We talked about life, and the questions we had regarding it. Who cares about Chipoltle when we can talk about acceptance versus tolerance and the ugly yet breathtakingly gorgeous phenomenon that is change? Thank you for that night. For sitting on my car with me and figuring things out.

That is all I have for tonight. There is a whole bunch more, but I won't overwhelm you.

Thank you for reading this.