And here I am. Trying to find something again.
Lost. Lost. Lost. It is a Dave Matthews night. Sweet guitar, soothing beat, and words that mean nothing unless you make them. As everything comes to a close, I find myself shutting off from the people around me. Except for a select few, as in two. I try to make myself cry because I know that I'll never get this back. But I am somehow beyond tears without realizing that I ever really passed that stage. I went straight to hole in my heart. It is a familiar feeling. I feel empty. Completely drained of all emotion and left feeling as though I've always been this way. I've become the girl who stares off into space, thinking of nothing. It sounds boring, but its a void. What do you fill it with? My friend and I were talking about how we have been quiet. It isn't as though we don't have anything to say. We do. Most of the time. But it just isn't worth it to say it, this is where the void comes from.
Phases. It comes and goes. But in the end, it is always there. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to say. The number of people I want to say "I'm sorry" to. I'm beginning to realize I won't be able to do that. I can't bring myself to now. I've told myself that I would, but I never got around to it. I was scared I guess. Okay, I can tell now that this is going to be the most vulnerable I've been in a long time. The most honest I've been with myself for a very very long time. Now, I know I've hurt people. I've run away when they try to get close. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've been selfish. To think that I could hurt someone. But I have. I've lost a friend that was very dear to me, and I regret it. Not just because he seemed really amazing tonight. But because tonight made me realize what I missed out on. They tell you when you break up, that the other person "doesn't know what they're missing". I do. And I'm sorry for what I've put you through. You'll never read this but I feel better for just saying it.
And to all the people I've pushed away. I KNOW that some of you will read this. Know that I'm sorry. I will miss all the times we didn't hang out. Or even get to know each other better. But our memories will be some of the sweetest I have from high school. All four years. Thank you for being there. You have hurt me before. But we passed that, without even talking about it. I know your friends tell you what I say, and I don't know whether that is good or bad but there it is. I hope that you'll think of me every once in a while, and they'll be good memories.
I just can't deal with normal high schoolers. I can't bring myself to like what they like, say what they say, focus on the things they do without losing my grip on reality. I become no longer grounded in what I believe but on what society believes. That foundation is always moving, shifting, changing and when you are based on that you have no choice but to go with it and not lose balance. I feel like now, finally after four years, I have a base. I know who I am and what I am looking for. As best as I ever have before at least. Everything else has become superfluous.
I think of all the people I didn't get to know, all the things I didn't say, all the chances I never took because I was too scared. My brain functions weird in regards to memories. If I pretend to be someone else, I forget that time period. It isn't like acting, I remember that. How I felt, how the character felt. The swirl the dust makes in the stage lights. The live dusk of the theatre. But when I pretend to be someone else, I lose myself and therefore forfeit my memories. For example, when there is a cute lifeguard at the pool, I "perform" for him. Okay, that sounds dirty. But stay with me! I act in a way that I think would get them to notice me and I become the kind of person I think they would like. I don't remember much of going to the pool last year...enough said. This year I gave up. I knew I did that and I wanted to stop. I've embraced life so much more this year than in the past. Embraced who I was and found potential through routes that I had not otherwise taken.
I've gone with my gut. When I get a feeling to do something that is okay and is something that I've wanted to do, I do it. Like when I go to my thinking spots. There I become me. My feet connect with the Earth and my head with the Heavens. I exist in such a profound way that it is hard to talk to anyone about high school after. Because in my space I don't have to think about who likes who and crap like that. There it is me and my thoughts. My questions. My conundrums. Last time I went there, a friend came and joined me. That was seriously one of the best experiences I've had through high school. I almost cried because there is someone who now knows me, the ethereal and yet elemental me, without any of my pretenses. We didn't talk about high school. We talked about life, and the questions we had regarding it. Who cares about Chipoltle when we can talk about acceptance versus tolerance and the ugly yet breathtakingly gorgeous phenomenon that is change? Thank you for that night. For sitting on my car with me and figuring things out.
That is all I have for tonight. There is a whole bunch more, but I won't overwhelm you.
Thank you for reading this.