Sunday, June 26, 2011

We could dream this night away.

Here I am.

Me. Myself. I.


And confused.

Not about being single, I embrace that with all the vigor I have for the past 18 years. But I'm confused about practically everything. Initially this was going to be a post of me ranting about my insecurities. But I'm just not ready to open up like that yet. I don't know if I'll ever delve into that dark pool, but when I do it will be with someone I trust. Not the world wide web.

I suppose that I should follow up that vague statement of confusion with an explanation for why I am in such a thing is love. I'm not talking about high school relationships love, because I'm hesitant to say that even applies. We use that word so loosely now in society that it has almost lost its meaning. "I love you" is no longer a sacred phrase meant to be uttered only if you meant it and knew what kind of effect it could have. But when I talk about love I mean the kind that lasts forever. The kind that keeps you with a person for time and all eternity. As I head off to college, specifically my college, I realize that its in these next few years that people are getting married. I'm so young, I don't feel that I can be myself enough to make a decision that will affect my eternal life within the next few years. I honestly don't know if there is someone out there for me. I've begun to look around and see couples at church and stuff and I pick out things I like about each relationship. I know what I want my marriage to be like, but I need a boy for that. I have had only one official boyfriend ever. And that didn't turn out well. So my faith in the male race is dwindling. I see all the movies and shows that tell you what is 'supposed' to happen. But I need something real. Tangible. And I'm just confused about what my husband will be like. I know that he will be great and such. But I really don't know and I would like to be sure...If you're a dude and reading this, sorry if it sounds awkward that I'm talking about marriage. But it is on my mind.

I'm also lacking spiritually. But I don't feel comfortable going into that right now. That is between me and God, those times when I sit on the roof of my car...thought/prayer sessions? Yes.

The other thing is that I don't feel like I deserve a lot of what I get. Compliments and such, when people give them to me I either ignore them, deny them, or both while complimenting you back. I don't ever truly feel like I'm deserving of any compliments that I receive. Because I don't feel like I am any of the things that people say. So along with the whole husband thing, I feel like I don't have a right to ask for the best because I'm not..

ANYWHO. I'm not generally this insecure. There has just been so much going on and there are so many changes. Not the kind I like. I usually love change, moving and such. It is one of my favorite things. But this change is the kind that isn't unique and can hurt. Money, your future, etc...It is a buttload of pressure for anyone to face. Much less an 18 year old. So I'm adjusting. I'm also adjusting to the fact that now I have to work to have friends. There aren't any more 'forced' friendships. No longer will I be able to ask someone to hang out just because we have something in common and happen to sit next to each other in a class. Wild...

So if anyone wants to hang out, hit me up! Because I'll want to hang.

It just started to rain. My windows are open, my room smells like rain, and I'm writing while eating my mint ice cream. This is what I call a good night. Good ol' Billie Holiday in my ear. Joy and sorrow mixed together. This is my life. This is where I am.

Care to join me?

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