I'm really glad that I haven't posted anything recently because I have been in a horrible mood. It's been a really really hard couple of weeks. I have been so lost and disoriented that I've gotten close to giving up and giving in. But I haven't. I don't know where the strength came from, well I do, and I'd like to thank Mr. Alpha and Omega for that.
In the words of the immortal Cat Stevens: "I'm beat, I'm torn, shattered and tossed and worn, too shocking to see". Between school issues and more I've been flipped and turned upside down and all I've wanted to do is get my bearing. I'm the kind of person to keep problems inside because I don't want to burden anyone with them. I always feel that my issues are too trivial compared to most to merit verbalization. That's why I have this blog, sort of. It works.
But, I digress. Where I was going with the whole keeping things bottled up inside thing was that I'm ADD and having more than one thought or thing to worry about bouncing around in my head creates the feeling of complete and utter confusion and despair. I get overwhelmed very easily. So, with these problems I kept them inside and they just built upon each other until I was lost.
Then things would pick back up and I would be happy. Then right when I'd start to feel really good about something, it would shatter into pieces in my hands. Kind of like a reverse Midas touch sort of thing.
When there was no one in my life that stayed constant for a while and, as cheesy as this sounds, I'd befriend the stars. I have an aunt that I respect SO much, she is amazing, and she showed me Orion's belt. Now, ten something years later when I'm sitting on the roof of my car at my secret place and looking at the stars I see that and feel a comfort with it. It has been there and will continue to be.
Also, as it gets colder I begin to see the stars clearer. It's awesome as I get in the car to go to seminary to walk under that canopy of scintillating glamour. It's wonderful. I feel so small in comparison but not in a 'belittling' way. Oxymoronical I know. But stay with me here. It makes me feel small physically but gives me the impression that I am a part of something much bigger. I'm talking Inception scale. When I look at the stars, I feel like that girl. I am captain of my own destiny and can be whatever I want to be.
Thank you stars.