Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm listening but there's no sound

Tonight is a night to write. The opening of the heavens has facilitated the opening of my mind. The thoughts flow together and have become this fluid entity that seems to have a mind of its own. Well, lets see where tonight takes me.

After the concert tonight, I was walking to my car in a mostly deserted parking lot. The rain was sprinkling and it couldn't have been lower that 50 degrees, so it was bearable. It all felt so perfect. All my cares and worries were suspended for those moments it took me to get to my car. I walked, as slowly as I could and almost wanted to just start dancing underneath the street light. The light rain made for this wonderful atmosphere of beauty, beginning, and peace. It was inviting you, telling you that you can follow your impulses, follow your heart, and if anyone is watching, your actions will make them appreciate you all the more.

Obviously, I'm a huge advocate of dancing in the rain. Doing anything in the rain really. There is just something so fresh and new that comes with it yet it does not seem to represent a new beginning but one built upon the foundation already laid.

Once I got in my car I just sat there for a minute or two. Listening to the rain and watching the way the light danced in the drops. Then as I was driving I pulled into the parking lot of this church along the road. I parked the car, turned off the lights, and sat. I watched the cars drive past and wondered if those people knew the same thing I did. I wondered if they could taste the magic in the rain. I pulled out my thought book and wrote an entry kind of along these same lines. With a bit more added there of course. But sitting there, I opened the door and just sat. And thought. I felt the rain fall gently on my hair and clothes and embraced that feeling, the feeling of being alive.

Like I said before, I've had a weird couple of weeks and I've been too caught up in some things. Mainly people. (But I don't want to add too much personal life stuff here. Questions? Text me.) Tonight felt so good because everything came back. My head is no longer this heavy weight on my shoulders, but it feels as if it has opened and I can now embrace so many more things. My new friends. My old ones. No reserve.

I look outside now and I see the lights reflected on the road and it looks like an artist's palette. Really, it is an artist's palette. We are the painting under the mercy of the painter.

I am exhausted, so even though it isn't late I will just end here. Goodnight.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Long time. Very long time. I've been hesitant to write because I haven't felt that anything productive would come out of it. I've been too hung up on my feelings to get past them and finally achieve some level of clarity.

I'm back.

Mentally aware again, and it is almost like I'm living again. Sometimes I go through these times where I get so caught up in what is happening and what people are feeling that I don't remember those times very well because I was too preoccupied to live. But not this time, I am awake and ready to embrace the world.

But tonight is going to be me slow dancing with my thoughts.

The image I keep coming back to is the sky the other night. The first clear stars of spring. It brought me back to break, when my family and I camped on a beach in South Carolina. I never wanted to leave. I don't think I have ever fallen in love with a place so quickly. There was magic in the air, and it hung in the trees like the spanish moss. It was almost as if time had stopped and all I had to do was to exist in this wonderful rift in time.

The moment I was specifically thinking of was one or two in the morning and I had to get up to go to the bathroom. (bear with me here). Since we were in a campsite, on the beach by the way, there were hardly any lights or pollution from the outside world. I saw the moon hanging in the sky over the ocean and I walked up to the beach and for a good while I just stood. I was mesmerized by the vast expanse of dark and light that unfolded above me. Everything seemed to make sense and be okay for those few minutes. Not wanting to end it, I lay down in the sand and just...was. It was in the upper sixties and the perfect weather for thinking. The way the moon hit the clouds and the way they reflected in the water, somehow everything was an inspiration and contained magic.

I could have been there forever.

Something I'm working on is maintaining perspective. It is so easy to get lost in the world and find important the things that the world tells you are important. Sometimes you may believe the world so much that you force yourself like things you think you should like, as opposed to what you actually do like. Follow your heart. Learn to paint with all the colors of the wind.

All I can say is that it is good to be feeling myself again. The same me that lay on that South Carolina beach, same me that climbed the great wall, and the same me that went out dancing in the thunderstorm when she was two and sang "Singin' in the Rain" at the top of her lungs. I am a compilation of every experience I have ever had and every person I have ever met. But that makes me who I am, for which I am grateful. I am grateful that I can look back and say that, on the whole, who I am is proud of who I've been. I love looking back and seeing moments that I know defined me then and continue to now.

Like that night on the beach, I am constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me. I wouldn't trade living for anything. It is so beautiful. The beauty in our sorrow. In our pain. And yet that beauty is complimented by that of joy and love. You cannot have one without the other. I would not have it any other way.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Into your heart I'll beat again

I've been thinking about what to write for my next post, and I never decided. I'm just going to go and type. We'll see where my mind takes me.

Life has been a little muddled the past few weeks. But I feel as if I'm finally beginning to see with clarity. My life has lined up behind me almost, and even though it isn't going perfectly or anything, it is as though I've learned to cope. So, if you read my last post...I sounded a tad bit conflicted. Well, I continued to follow the advice of a wise friend and continued to accept it and soon enough I was over it. Not over it as in I don't feel like that anymore, but more like I am able to move on and I know I will fully move on soon enough. I don't regret anything I wrote in my last post. It is all true. The only thing is that I acknowledged that nothing was going to ever happen, and I wasn't sure if I wanted it to. I don't even think you've read this. But I'm never sure, you have a funny way of showing things (at least with me). You're aren't talking to me now, okay. Cool...

I'm continuing on with my life. Stop me if you have anything to say. I'm all ears, really.

SO. Now onto the happy part of what I was talking about. It all started in drama. We are doing this massage therapy unit and I actually have considered becoming a massage therapist previously, so I was super interested in this. I've come to reach this deeper level of myself. I think of it almost as a connection of energy between these two people, and it a truly beautiful thing. The spirituality of that, mixed with spring weather and rain, combined with the fact that I am now vegan...equals this new and improved Emily.

I feel more solid, more rooted in who I am. The past couple of entries in my "Book of Thoughts" have been about how happy I am with who I have become. When I was little there was always a certain type of person I looked up to and it makes me so glad to see myself becoming like those people. I am growing into the kind of person I always wanted to be, and it makes my life so much richer to know that it has lined up and I am me. Elemental form.

I don't know how to wrap up these thoughts, but I am tired and want to go to bed. So I shall leave you with this.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Back to December...

Disclaimer about this post, I have no idea where it will go or what it will be about. All I know is that I need to figure things out and if I were you, I'd probably get bored. So feel free to skip this post and move on to the other, more interesting ones.

I've started this paragraph almost ten times now. (which never happens. usually I just write and the only editing I do is spelling, so this is weird.) I just don't know where to begin. I'll just start with my thinking today, an activity which I do far too much for my own good. On my way back home tonight, I took a detour to one of the many special places I go. I went there, turned on some Taylor Swift (another thing that is not good for me) and sat on the roof of my car and watched the planes go by in the dark. I sat. I thought. I almost cried.

There is this one thing weighing on my mind and, without going into specifics, it has been occupying my mind for some time now. Ugh, I'm sorry. Another reason you shouldn't read this is because I will be very, very vague. It is an ongoing thing, and if the person I'm talking about reads this....I'd rather them not know. Although I'm thinking there is little I can do.

ANYWAYS. I've been trying to deal with what I'm feeling and if I'm actually feeling anything. (Another reason not to read this, I sound like a total drama queen. It is such a small thing but for some reason it means so much...) I talked with a friend, who is wise beyond his years and also who I only really met last year, and he told me acceptance was the best choice. I've tried that. It worked for a while and I thought it had worked completely. But, then (like always happens) my mind ran away with me again. I feel like I'm back in square one. But square one came and passed a while ago.

At this point I'm blaming Taylor Swift for this romantic mentality. I keep thinking of all these Nora Ephron worthy snippets of romance ideas. Ideas like slow dancing in a field, looking at the stars together, and other such silly notions. My mind just likes to get carried away and go off on childish tangents. I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I would let my self feel like this. Again. I'm frustrated that I can't stop feeling like this. That I can't stop thinking about all of this. That you were the one who called it off and yet, now that I understand it, I want it back. That I'm not strong enough to understand it fully now. That I know nothing will happen. And I'm frustrated that despite all of that, I still am hoping that something will happen.

Emily. Why? Why me? Why now?

Now I'm at home watching Persuasion. On my way home from my thought sesh, I must have listened to 'Back to December' at least five times. Like I said, not healthy. I'm distracted all the time. I just want to go back to normal. To the way things were. Not the way things are now when they fall apart.

If you read that, I'm sorry. It was basically me ranting about .. nothing at all. And if you read that. I hope that you get it, when the other half hopes you don't. Anyways, all I wanted to do was to get it off my chest and out there into the big universe. This shouldn't change anything. I only hope that you understand.