I've started this paragraph almost ten times now. (which never happens. usually I just write and the only editing I do is spelling, so this is weird.) I just don't know where to begin. I'll just start with my thinking today, an activity which I do far too much for my own good. On my way back home tonight, I took a detour to one of the many special places I go. I went there, turned on some Taylor Swift (another thing that is not good for me) and sat on the roof of my car and watched the planes go by in the dark. I sat. I thought. I almost cried.
There is this one thing weighing on my mind and, without going into specifics, it has been occupying my mind for some time now. Ugh, I'm sorry. Another reason you shouldn't read this is because I will be very, very vague. It is an ongoing thing, and if the person I'm talking about reads this....I'd rather them not know. Although I'm thinking there is little I can do.
ANYWAYS. I've been trying to deal with what I'm feeling and if I'm actually feeling anything. (Another reason not to read this, I sound like a total drama queen. It is such a small thing but for some reason it means so much...) I talked with a friend, who is wise beyond his years and also who I only really met last year, and he told me acceptance was the best choice. I've tried that. It worked for a while and I thought it had worked completely. But, then (like always happens) my mind ran away with me again. I feel like I'm back in square one. But square one came and passed a while ago.
At this point I'm blaming Taylor Swift for this romantic mentality. I keep thinking of all these Nora Ephron worthy snippets of romance ideas. Ideas like slow dancing in a field, looking at the stars together, and other such silly notions. My mind just likes to get carried away and go off on childish tangents. I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I would let my self feel like this. Again. I'm frustrated that I can't stop feeling like this. That I can't stop thinking about all of this. That you were the one who called it off and yet, now that I understand it, I want it back. That I'm not strong enough to understand it fully now. That I know nothing will happen. And I'm frustrated that despite all of that, I still am hoping that something will happen.
Emily. Why? Why me? Why now?
Now I'm at home watching Persuasion. On my way home from my thought sesh, I must have listened to 'Back to December' at least five times. Like I said, not healthy. I'm distracted all the time. I just want to go back to normal. To the way things were. Not the way things are now when they fall apart.
If you read that, I'm sorry. It was basically me ranting about .. nothing at all. And if you read that. I hope that you get it, when the other half hopes you don't. Anyways, all I wanted to do was to get it off my chest and out there into the big universe. This shouldn't change anything. I only hope that you understand.