Saturday, March 5, 2011

Back to December...

Disclaimer about this post, I have no idea where it will go or what it will be about. All I know is that I need to figure things out and if I were you, I'd probably get bored. So feel free to skip this post and move on to the other, more interesting ones.

I've started this paragraph almost ten times now. (which never happens. usually I just write and the only editing I do is spelling, so this is weird.) I just don't know where to begin. I'll just start with my thinking today, an activity which I do far too much for my own good. On my way back home tonight, I took a detour to one of the many special places I go. I went there, turned on some Taylor Swift (another thing that is not good for me) and sat on the roof of my car and watched the planes go by in the dark. I sat. I thought. I almost cried.

There is this one thing weighing on my mind and, without going into specifics, it has been occupying my mind for some time now. Ugh, I'm sorry. Another reason you shouldn't read this is because I will be very, very vague. It is an ongoing thing, and if the person I'm talking about reads this....I'd rather them not know. Although I'm thinking there is little I can do.

ANYWAYS. I've been trying to deal with what I'm feeling and if I'm actually feeling anything. (Another reason not to read this, I sound like a total drama queen. It is such a small thing but for some reason it means so much...) I talked with a friend, who is wise beyond his years and also who I only really met last year, and he told me acceptance was the best choice. I've tried that. It worked for a while and I thought it had worked completely. But, then (like always happens) my mind ran away with me again. I feel like I'm back in square one. But square one came and passed a while ago.

At this point I'm blaming Taylor Swift for this romantic mentality. I keep thinking of all these Nora Ephron worthy snippets of romance ideas. Ideas like slow dancing in a field, looking at the stars together, and other such silly notions. My mind just likes to get carried away and go off on childish tangents. I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated that I would let my self feel like this. Again. I'm frustrated that I can't stop feeling like this. That I can't stop thinking about all of this. That you were the one who called it off and yet, now that I understand it, I want it back. That I'm not strong enough to understand it fully now. That I know nothing will happen. And I'm frustrated that despite all of that, I still am hoping that something will happen.

Emily. Why? Why me? Why now?

Now I'm at home watching Persuasion. On my way home from my thought sesh, I must have listened to 'Back to December' at least five times. Like I said, not healthy. I'm distracted all the time. I just want to go back to normal. To the way things were. Not the way things are now when they fall apart.

If you read that, I'm sorry. It was basically me ranting about .. nothing at all. And if you read that. I hope that you get it, when the other half hopes you don't. Anyways, all I wanted to do was to get it off my chest and out there into the big universe. This shouldn't change anything. I only hope that you understand.

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you. Thought sessions are the best. I must confess I have romantic fantasies alllll day long every day and they are a part of me I have to let wild in my thought sessions, and pretty much only there. But thought sessions, you've got to allow yourself to feel and think however you want. Place no limitations and it will be more fulfilling. I'm sure you've already realized this, but you have to let yourself listen to Taylor Swift's or whoever's songs because that's who can express your thoughts for you. And you feel fulfilled. And its beautiful.
    That is all