Tuesday, February 15, 2011

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night

The stars last night were gorgeous. I wish you could have seen them. Even if you live in this area and we shared the same spot in the sky, I doubt you would have taken the time to really see. To stop what you were doing and take two seconds to look out the window and really see the stars and moon. The jet trails were highlighted purple with black undertones as they hung in the sky, flying over all of us. I felt so little and yet like I was a part of something so huge. It was almost as if I wasn't supposed to see it, like it was message between angels that humans are never supposed to witness. I know I talk about the stars like this for the majority of my posts, but it inspires me. So be it.

One thing that I wanted to write about specifically is change. Those changes taking place in my life right now.

It has been a year of change. And trust me, I know change. I've moved at least a dozen times, been to seven schools, so I understand change. And I embrace it, wholeheartedly. This is different though. These transformations and alterations in my life have been based solely on my decisions. Not because my Dad's job required us to move, or because of homeschooling and stuff. No. This time it was all me.

So, senior year: I've dropped debate, drama, and band. All these activities which have defined me for years are gone. I'm not an integral part of any of the departments or teams. Yes, I still love all of them but I am no longer actively performing with any of the groups [except for band classes]. It was hard, but I decided to do that. I was just about to justify the choices, but I realized that I don't need to justify anything on my blog. Thank goodness.

Well, so I dropped all of that. On top of everything I've dyed my hair. Brown. Platinum blonde to brown. And I really like it. But it is so different from the old me. I've lost the majority of the things that I was identified with. I have changed.

But it is all good change. I don't think I have ever felt more like myself. It is so much easier for me to talk to people, relate, and just be Emily. I don't know that I've ever felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I am totally and essentially Emily.

So, what do I have left, you may wonder? My faith, my religion, my friends, memories, experiences, talents, and now time. Time to be me and figure out what role I will play in this world. Where I will best fit. It has taken me long enough, but I am finally there. To that place where I can exist in no form other than the essence of my soul, the bare character.

Forgive me for rambling, and talking about myself. But, that is what this is here for.