Tonight my ward had this great fireside about "Dating and Courtship". I was afraid that this was going to be just like every other lesson about marriage and dating. Which meant it was going to suck. But it was the complete opposite. Our bishopric talked about how they met their spouses and about how they dating and stuff. I figured a bunch of stuff out. I know what I want in the future. I want what they had. It was obvious to everyone that they adored each other. Completely and totally. A few of them said that there was no doubt in their minds who they were meant to end up with. My bishop's wife said that they were soul mates. That is what I want. I thought it was so beautiful!
Their relationships were founded on love, respect, and the gospel. They didn't care what they looked like or anything. Well, they did to an extend because, as one wife put it, "you want to make kids with them". So they were physically attracted to the other in some way. But they cared so much deeper than that. It was so true. Their words really hit me.
I'll probably write more about this later as I think about it more. Bishop's wife said something too about having a life. She said that having a life makes you so much more attractive. Go out and perfect your talents. Be a good student. Learn things. That is what I'm out there doing. I'm out there having a life. I just need to remember to be alive every once in a while.
So the past couple of days haven't been my best. At all. I wrote a less than flattering post about everything, but chose not to post it. It was just too bad. And that kind of a attention was not deserved. So, I'll just add a couple of things in right here. Doubt that you'll read it though.
I feel incredibly stupid.
If only you understood how big a deal everything was to me. But you really do not know me at all. Knowing me better though will
That is kind of how I feel. I thought, "Why not give the benefit of the doubt? Everyone else doesn't know what they are talking about. This will be different, I'm sure of it." But something gives me the feeling that it wasn't. Not for you, anyways. I've become a number. A statistic in your weird history. Actually, I probably haven't. I wasn't memorable at all and I don't fit in with dating or kissing. So I'm just a faceless name. Sorry, I know that is a tad bit melodramatic. But these are the things that go through my head as I head towards the ground with my little parachute. I've forgotten though what it was like to feel. So thank you.
I tried to tell you all of this, so you probably already know it. But if you didn't realize it, here it is. That is how I feel right now. If you actually took a second to listen to what I say, instead of paying so much attention to what I do, then you might have gotten it. But it doesn't even matter anymore. I don't feel like you want to be with me. For whatever reason. Maybe its because you just weren't getting what you want. So you move on. If that is the case, sorry but that's a tad bit ironic, don't you think? Just think about that one. Maybe its because I was just too weird. Kay, I accept that response. Because I am. Was it because I wasn't pretty enough? I will also accept that one. My bishop's wife tonight said that it is important to realize what you have and what you don't. I know what I do and what I don't and I'm okay with that. I was given what I was given or not given for a reason. Any of those would have been good. But you didn't give me one of those, did you? Nope. You think I'm not natural. Yeah, that's legit. Maybe its even because you like some other girl. Again, I'm good with that. What ticked me off a huge amount was that you felt the need to not tell me for a while and when you did it was over text... Makes me feel like we're in middle school or something again. Really, I would have been fine if you'd told me to my face and not acted like there was something sneaky about it. That is really why I reacted this way. Honestly, it is.
I don't compare myself to other girls as much as I used to, so I don't know where I fall when compared to them. So sorry if I fell short.
But I am alive. That is all that I want. To live in the moment. And I have and I will. There are too many things to do in my life to spend time dwelling on stuff like this. You were creating drama, and "I just can't handle that". I absolutely despise drama.
I am a free spirit. Unshackled and untethered. Again my soul is able to fly up into the aether. I am not mad anymore. Anger is a secondary emotion. I was hurt. Still am. But the exhilaration of possibility and being alive completely trumps that. Anger no longer exists in my mind about this. I've pushed that away. I need to catch some sleep because this week is going to be crazy. But it will all be okay and I'm so excited to see what life has in store for me. You know that anticipation before a plane takes off? That feeling where your heart starts pumping and you remember that you are actually going somewhere? That is what I am feeling right now. It could just be because I took my medicine late today and so my heart rate is still elevated, but I highly doubt it.
Dear Life, I am ready for what you have in store.