Tuesday, May 6, 2014

All of My Days

Here I am once again, sorry it has taken so long. Although, really I don't know who that apology goes to; I think it goes more to me than any of you who are reading it. Time has gotten away from me and I haven't had the wonderfully cathartic experience of inscribing my deepest, strangest, and most dear thoughts in any medium in a long, long time. But I might actually get something posted tonight.

I have found this incredibly perfect song: Wolves and the Ravens. "I am easy to inspire, there is little I require...I wasn't yours and you weren't mine, though I've wished from time to time we had found a common ground...through the never-ending maze where the way is seldom clear, there is no map or compass near, I drive a ship I cannot steer..." I love that. It suits the night, the moment, and who I feel I am right now.

The last few months have been really hard for me (I will be as in keeping with my honesty policy on this blog as I can). Coming back from India to a place I haven't really lived since high school was not an easy transition, although I am coming to realize that it was the transition I needed to make. Change is not always easy; I used to think it was for me. I was determined to be different, to embrace every single kind of change. I've since realized that changing of yourself is more difficult that I had ever imagined. After getting back I realized that in order to become the person I wanted to be, I was going to have to start from scratch in a sense. Before India, I had never been honest to myself or with others; there were moments and phases, yes! However, I did not consistently act in accordance with who I was or who I am so I decided to change that. I've been working on it a lot, although many of you can't tell; I am loving how it feels. I can interact in an authentic way because I am being true to the divine spark within me and leaving out anything that makes me feel like less. That was the best detox I think I could have ever done. With that honesty has come sadness, heartache, many nights spent crying because of frustration at myself wondering why I couldn't just take the easy road. I, I have taken the one less traveled by. Looking back on the last little while, I don't think that my conscience would have allowed me to act in any other way; I have always had this need to know who I am and what I am doing and to always be true to that. The hardest thing is that I've been learning how to be a person again, I've rebuilt Emily from the ground up and she has been learning to crawl and walk and talk again and it was hard; it is hard. And it will continue to be hard until the day it stops. But I have learned so much, I couldn't go back now.

I am so grateful for those who have stuck with me in patience through this hard time, and been there to listen and such when I needed it. I have learned just by being around you, thank you!

There will be more to come soon. I am hoping that I can post more often now, fingers crossed! But it is mostly for my own sanity.

Just a little reminder that I feel keenly and is echoed in V for Vendetta:

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

I salute that strength of human spirit within you that you may have forgotten about. I honor the divinity that fills your eyes when you talk or listen or smile. I give thanks for the good which you do and do not know about. I pray that you may love you as none other than yourself. Every day is the beginning of your adventure; each and every day you have the choice to become who you want to be, even if that growth is painful. I pray you have the courage to make those decisions and the fortitude to carry them out. I pray that I may be as strong as you one day.

Find peace with the world and your place in it.

Now is the time to come alive. Heaven knows I am doing my best.

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