Monday, September 3, 2012

In the Arms of Another Day

"I'm trapped but I'm not quite there...busy chasing a lost dream."

That is a line from a band called the daydream club, and you should check them out because they are super chill and practically perfect in every way.

I wish that I could write down feelings. I know that you can write down how you are feeling, but I wish that I was talented enough to get you to feel what I am right now, because it is one of the most lovely expressions of a soul that I believe is possibly out there in an ethereal existence. Now I see where Willy Wonka had issues. The feeling right now is one of soft anticipation on a summer night for the next day when you are going to do things with people that you know love you and that you can have a good time with, unmarred by drama or anything like that. THAT is a small part of what I am feeling right now. The completely contentment followed by a subtle excitement because you know good things are coming your way.

The music that I'm listening to is utterly ideal right now. It is the Burberry acoustic stuff, and honestly it is perfect. My dad was bored at work the other day and sent them to me...I'm trying to find a semi-legal way to download them all but to no avail. We'll figure something out.

This last weekend I went up into the mountains for the night with some friends. It was one of the most incredible times I can remember. The mountains themselves were beautiful, but they were completely transformed at night. We went up to the lake there at night (because we were going to do something...but lightning changed those plans). It was a blue moon and stormy. The mountains were illuminated in the light and made the most awe-inspiring backdrop. When the moon shone, you could see every feature on everyone's face. You could also see your own shadow. Someone said something about how they didn't know how people could say that there was not a creator. I second that. How can you not say that there is something after death when you see something like that and your heart yearns for something that you do not know or remember? Your soul is telling your body something. It is yearning for home. I believe that when you get those butterflies and soaring feelings in your stomach that you are experiencing something like what heaven was, that your soul recognizes some aspect of the moment and it makes you suddenly homesick.

The next day I was feeling a little bit lost, and so I started doing my own stuff up there in the mountains. There is a rock there that we would go to, so I decided that I'd go on a walk up there by myself. (everyone else was playing a game). It has started to rain, and there is something about rain that I find so intoxicating. Rain permeates every bit of my existence and it happens regardless of whether I am wet or not. [I have gotten my brother as hooked as me. One time this summer when I was back home it started to pour. I suddenly was like "Does anyone want to go out and play with me?" so he came and had a hurt foot so I would carry him into the puddles and stuff with him on my back. We had SO much fun. The next time it rained, he was practically chomping at the bit to get me out there so we could play again. One of my favorite moments this summer.] So I walked to this rock and it started to get darker and rain harder. I was with my friend's dog (she just went with me. didn't need a leash or anything!) and she could tell a storm was a brewing so she started heading back. But i kept going and stood on the edge and looked out at the canyon. The storm was traveling through the mountains and it must have been one of the most beautiful sights in the world right then. At that moment, there was no where else that I would rather be. Everything was lost in the echo of rain in the trees and the thunder rolling over pine-covered ranges. It started to realllly rain so I started walking back to the cabin. As I went back, I just felt so alive. I don't know if I have ever felt that alive, at least for a long time. I just wanted to scream, laugh, cry, and shout all at the same time. THe feeling of power and freedom was almost overwhelming to the point that I opened my mouth to scream but thought the better of it. Needless to say it was amazing.

I'm going to try something new this semester. I'm going to have confidence. I am going to wear all the bohemian things that I never thought I could carry off. I'm going to ROCK IT. Life is going to be great. I'm not going to be afraid of what other people think. Because who cares? Not I.

I'm going to head to bed now, listening to some more acoustic stuff. I just wanted to say that I've got another Dexter, just like in the book too (minus the drugs and sex). But I don't think it will quite work out that way. I am glad to have him as a friend, and he is one of the few people who I think could actually hurt me. There are a few out there, but I really care about his opinion. (Dang it. I've tried to not.) If he isn't telling the truth this time, I might not be able to bounce back from that one. (Friendship wise.) Fingers crossed. But I don't know whether to hold out for this one and to trust him again or to just face reality that he is just playing along to get me to stop talking...what is my mythological paradigm in this situation? Hm. It was because we were best friends. But he has moved on now and so have I. And I feel completely okay with that.

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