Alanis Morissette has been speaking to my life lately (if you can't tell by the post headers). For some reason her voice is just salve to the soul.
I figured out why writing yesterday didn't work for writing. I was not ready to be honest. I wasn't ready to feel. There were so many different feelings that I did not want to address, but honestly that is the only way to regain clarity. I'm not saying that tonight will be a flood of frankness, but we'll just have to wait and see how I do.
OH. Random insert from the song I'm listening to..."How 'bout remembering your divinity? How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?". Beautiful.
I love going on adventures. I love doing it spontaneously. I HATE when the adventure is decided for me. I hate when the adventure leads to somewhere I know. I hate when the adventure involves people that I know already. I hate when the adventure is completely planned out and all I have to do is show up. But that is the adventure that I'll be embarking on at the end of this week. The thing that sucks is that I feel like I'm just pacing the cage. I don't have enough time to do something crazy because that'd be irresponsible and I should be packing or something insane like that. But it is enough time to feel completely useless. My family moves on without me and I am stuck right here where I've always seemed to exist which is in my own world which revolves opposite to that of everyone else. I am in a limbo that will not release itself until I get on that plane and it really begins. Until then I am a shadow of what I could be because I do not have the space to express myself. The deadline is suffocating me and leaving me no choice but to pace the cage.
Don't get me wrong, I love where I'm going to end up...but this is like the waiting period before ripping a band-aid off, or before you get a shot, or when you are in the dentists office and you know your teeth are feeling extra sensitive. The pit of your stomach kind of aches because it knows that change is coming. No matter how much you like change and embrace it, there will be some ounce of your being that will despise it for a second or so at least. That is what makes us human. We have this great thing called the unknown and we have to face it.
I'd like to send out into the Universe a quick apology. I am sorry that I have not been looking at the stars as much as I should. I need to be doing that more because I've been forgetting, and thanks to that my chi is all out of whack. There used to be those nights when I'd just stretch out on my car roof and look at the stars and be inspired by the incredible heights to which they rise. But, I have become someone who hardly looks at the heavens any more. That changes. Now.
Alright, now I'm going to get into the honesty part. It might get messy. Feel free to go read some other drivel or change windows or tabs because this is real. This is me. And that is what scares me the most. This is one adventure that is full of the unknown and it holds the key to a bigger world if I'm brave enough to stick it out...I'm not so sure that I am.
I am sorry. To all of you who are here at home, I have not been social. AT ALL. I kept saying that we should hang out, and I meant it. But I didn't try as hard as I should have to actually get together. I feel especially bad for bailing out on so many people at the last moment. You know who you are. And I'm sorry. It was cowardly and, for lack of a better word, it was lame. I know I gave you reasons for why I couldn't go or meet up...and it was pretty true I guess. But none of those were the real reason. I am scared of you. Scared to death that I'll want to go back to the old me because that is who you know me as. You have so much influence over me that I don't know if I'd be able to stay strong and remain as the character that I have found myself maturing into. I am also afraid of making connections because I am scared of change in people. I am afraid that you will change, that I will change, that our connection will be falsified. That it will be based on something that does not exist. That you really don't care. That you don't want to get to know me and it is all pity.
My insecurities have kept me from having fun. And that is a really, really big shame. I need to work on so many things. This last year at school taught me that I can have fun and become friends with people. I can open up online but am not so good at that in person. But I'm working on it, and thank you for bearing with me. You are all such good people that I don't deserve the patience that you have shown me. I keep sticking it back at you and never giving. Thanks for seeing the me that is underneath all this change and insecurity. You have seen the essence of who I am and you put up with the rest of me for it. Thank you. If you are wondering who you are, it is to all of those who have gotten to know me and yet you still want to talk again.
How 'bout remembering your divinity?