The World is Your Underwear

I've been reading Born in the Year of the Butterfly Knife by my favorite person, Derrick Brown (well, second only to Rob Sheffield). In "To the Lightning Teachers" he says, "The world is your underwear. It's time you changed it." A to the men.

I have a tendency to make these posts weird and grey (a word that describes my life recently), and I am sincerely sorry if you've been reading any of those; but it is kind of a 'sorry, not sorry' thing because I'm only sorry that my stupidity is on display for the world. I'm a tad bit insecure about my writing, hence the hesitation in endorsing it. But this isn't even writing. I pay no attention to passive/active voice, colons, past participles, and other such sundry grammatical items. This is from my head. As I think it I put it down. The grammer is merely there as a vehicle through which to display the pauses and sequencing of thought instead of enhancing the meaning of any of this. 

Enough of that! I haven't written in a while and I don't want to write about grammer. I want to write about my future and crap. Actually, I really want to talk about the sky for the past few nights. The stars have been incredible. Absolutely breathtaking. Maybe it is because I haven't been able to see the stars for such a long time, but I am not sure. The other night I went to the store to pick up some stuff for work and I couldn't help but be moved by the openness in the air. Suddenly it felt as though my entire being had expanding to fill the new heavens and I had become a part of the atmosphere. I was more than a star, I was the entire sky. It had rained a bit so the air was crisp and clean and utterly perfect.

On my way back home I talked with this woman who worked at Little Caesars. As far as I know, she was in some kin of an accident that left her mentally impaired and she is still recovering from it. We talked about how she wants to keep her options open so that she can still be a rockstar if she wants to, how she likes to decorate, and how she has lost weight since the summer and plans to keep working out so that she keeps it off. Then while we were at the stoplight, she started telling me about the diamonds in her brain that keep the neurons firing. She said that the diamonds fit into the geometry of the brain, then she told me to look around and see all of the geometry in the world: in the signs, the cars, the people. She said that God made us that way, and he made our brains that way too. Then she was so proud of herself for making that connection, we fist-bumped twice over it (it was a big deal). But she made my night. Seeing people make those connections in ways that I haven't thought of yet is something I love! Her sincerity was touching and on top of the spaciousness of the night, it was perfect. I almost started crying as I left her to head home because I was so impressed by her. Seriously, it was a good night. Also, I love walking and that was the first walk I have been on in a while. So I was on cloud nine.

Now comes the hard stuff. The things that I don't want to talk about but I know I have to get out somehow in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. This blog was originally for me to just get my thoughts out and that is what it shall continue to do; never was this meant to cater to readers so continue at your own risk.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. Straight up--no idea. I am a philosophy major. :SLKDJFLSLKSDJFOISDC(#(#*&@ODFLKC. There is nothing that I can do with that right out of college. I've always dreamed of doing something influential or important and I just can't see that happening with this. My biggest dream was to become a doctor and do the doctors without borders program and work with people who are in need of medical care. I respect the people who do that so much and that is a fantastic way to make a difference. To change the world. To make your life meaningful. I'm don't have the grades for medical school. So...hm. I could be a nurse or a PA or something, those are always options and I would really love to do that.

After college, I'm planning on doing some time with the Peace Corps so we shall see what experiences are in store for me there. I just want to be useful. That is my biggest thing I think, is that I want to be useful to the world and in the big scheme of things. I have to always be participaing in something big. I could never do bureaucracy like my dad, he was like me before the government beat the creativity out of him. That's a little harsh, but he is so creative and his job smothers him. He has so many ideas that he hasn't put into place for many reason, but still. A good amount of it is due to the fact that he was never meant to be at a desk. I never was. EVER. That is not the life for me. No cubicle, I am fairly certain that I would lose my sanity. Another option that is there is being someone who helps with outdoor schools. Maybe even with troubled teens. There are those programs where they take kids out into the desert and teach them how to really live life. ممكن...

It is hard because I have friends who are actually doing things with their lives right now, while I feel as though I am biding my time. I am going stir crazy, maybe that is it. Regardless, these kinds of things have been on my mind. My recreation class solidified that for me. We talked about the hedgehog concept in class yesterday and it really got me thinking. Here it is:

The kid leading the discussion asked us what we were passionate about..and I don't really know. It was in that moment that I realized that passion is what I was lacking. It was there and then it was gone. I need to get that back. But how? What am I passionate about? I love to experience things, I always have. I do things on my own and I just love to learn what happens and how I feel when I do something. I just love the ecstasy of experience, that feeling you get when you live life so completely that the moment surrounds you and you are completely present. You are experiencing life and you are sucking the marrow out of its bones. It is then that "I sound my barbaric YAWP from the rooftops of the world!" But I am also passionate about helping people. So i've got that corner down... I don't know what I can be the best in the world at. I have NO idea. I have a warped self-image though, so that might contribute to it. It isn't negative, I love who I am and everything like that. It is more that I just don't know what I am good at, it isn't modesty because I legitimately don't know. I don't do things because I am good at them. I wouldn't be in an arabic class if that was the case. 

But I do things because I like them. I enjoy the experience. When I run, I run because I like to move and see things and feel my body tire. The other day I was running along the trail and ended up at the lake. I was so caught up in my thoughts and in my looking at the fields and all that I'd ended up all the way at the lake. That is an 11 mile run. I wouldn't do that because I like to run, that would be crazy! It is all about the experience.

I just feel completely naive when it comes to things like this. It is my birthday in a month, and I still feel like I am twelve years old sometimes because I don't have things figured out and everyone makes me feel as though I have to have my shiz together. Well, the fact of the matter is that I don't. Quite frankly I don't think that anyone else does either. They just know how to hide it better than I do, but I've never been good at hiding and I never want to be. My life is out there for you to read and I hope that you are kind in your judgements.

I want to travel, to live, to breathe, to shout YAWP from every rooftop I can. I love to find beauty in things (in the way dust swirls like pixie dust in the light, in the different ways that people walk and what that says about them, and the way I just ignored any kind of rule regarding parallell construction), I love to make the world a better place, and to become more of myself every day.

Those are my thoughts right now. 

Comme des enfants

The reason I am writing this is thanks to Derrick Brown, once again. "The design in the stars is the same in our hearts, in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts." There are so many thoughts going through my head, dear blog, I don't know who I will ever get them down and solidified into gauche words. To use an overused quote, "My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations." I feel as though they have a cosmic glimmer until they go down and become actual phrases and then they lose all of their magic and power. They become words instead of their own, breathing selves.

I don't really want to write about anything, but I feel as though I have to now that I have started. Also, I've been seriously slacking when it comes to writing on this blog. But I've been using other venues and such for my writing so that is why it hasn't ended up on this site.

One of my favorite lines from "A Finger Two Dots then Me" is "If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you, I honestly don't know. But I do know that I could still fall for a swish of light that comes barreling  cascading towards me. It will resemble your sweet definite hands. And the universe will bend and the planets will bow and I will say, 'oh there you are. now we can go.'" I don't want the kind of love in Gone with the Wind, Casablanca, or The Notebook. That is nothing compared to what I want. I want  a Love is a Mix Tape kind of relationship. I want someone to love me enough not to wait for me on the other side because they know that I'll make it to them. They will say, "oh, there you are. Now we can go." They are just a finger and two dots to the left of the North American moon.

I will always know where to look for them. Somewhere someone is looking at it and wondering the same thing. Actually, they probably aren't. But they should. They should take the time to look into the sky until they can see the depth of space, the point at which the darkness goes blue.

At another point in the poem, Brown asks what is really holy. That is a good question. To me, to Emily, to the self I am today this is what is holy:
The sea
Rain that soaks me to the bone
The spaces between snowflakes
The photographs I've taken and put on my wall
My favorite hiking sock with the hole in it
The shape of my hands
Spaces created in my heart when I look at a clear, blue night
Warm breezes
My copy of On the Road
Phone conversations with my sister about nothing
Using a big sharpie to finish the mural on my wall
My plaid shirt
Not getting more notebook paper because buying those books was more important to me
K'naan
Hedgehogs
Eye contact
Fear overcome
The day I really spoke with my family because we realized who we all were

Those are just a few things that are holy to me, at least right now. I think that if something is holy to someone, then that something is beautiful. There is someone who gets pure joy out of the experience or association with that thing and I believe that moment is beautiful and holy unto itself. What I love more than almost anything is hearing people talk about what they are passionate about. They light up in a way that I've never seen before and it makes me excited about whatever it is. Suddenly I am interested in it because I want to know what it is about that one thing that they find holy, enthralling, and important.

Here are my thoughts right now. Nothing terribly exciting, but I thought I should give you an update.

The Spaces Between My Fingers

Guys, I'm finally writing again and it feels really good. Not just here, I'm writing my own stuff too and I love it. There is a freedom in expression. There is also an inexplicable pain, one that comes from finding out exactly what makes you tick or realizing that something that you've kept inside of you is now out on the page and will never be a part of you in the same way again. But, you have to do that in order to make room for all of the new thoughts and feelings and bits of pain and sorrow and joy and curiosity.

Tonight, the moon reminded me of something bigger. The cheshire cat smile disappeared behind the grey clouds, as if the moon was calling me to follow it beyond the atmosphere. And I wanted to follow. This week and last I've been wanting to follow that moon along the flat and empty roads of Arizona, Nevada, California, and every other state around here. There is no greater joy that I can imagine right now than taking a road trip. Putting in some music, going to some place to go camping, and just hiding away from everything for a little while. Going alone is fun. But going with someone would be great. If anyone reading this wants to road trip this 3-day weekend has a car and wants to go, let me know. I'm down.

But just imagining myself driving down a road with the silver light of the moon making the asphalt look more silver than black, the sky more blue than black, and the entire world just seems better in the moonlight makes me extremely giddy. I'd make a mix, okay I'd make like three. I'd bring books on tape. I'd bring my guitar. I'd bring my favorite books. I'd leave my computer, my iPod, my kindle, and everything else that weighs me down. We wouldn't talk about homework. We'd talk about what it is like to feel immortal and other important things. I'd bring my sleeping bag and sleep under the stars. I'd bring my film camera and I'd remember all the beautiful moments the world offered me. Those moments make me feel alive. They remind me that I am human, but they make me forget I am mortal. The stars do that more often than anything for me.

There is a painting in the museum of art that I'll after that. This is the kind of moonlight that I am talking about. And skys that go on forever. I want that.

I am always having arguments with myself regarding how personal I want to be on this blog. The debate exists between two sides: I want to be open so that people know what I am going through and can learn from what is happening in my life OR I can just not be open and use this as a chance to get away and just express myself. I want to tell someone what is going on in my life and I talk to my roommate about it, but there are some people I just want to talk to sometimes. And this blog is one of those people and I don't know who reads this. I don't care who reads this because then I'd write to you. And I don't want to do that. Also, I am not a good writer and I feel like you would judge me. So many people write so eloquently and interestingly. I can't, I just write whatever comes through my mind. I tried to write poetry before, and some of it was good. However, that was too structured for me. There is a reason that I prefer Jack Kerouac over Frank O'Hara. I like O'Hara, but Kerouac gets me. He just writes and writes and it is beautiful.

That is all I feel like writing on here today, so goodnight all. Goodnight moon.

Nobody Loves No One

The title has nothing to do with anything, it was just a line in a song that I'm listening to and I found it oddly profound. Everyone loves someone in some way, no man is an island as much as he would like to think it (and that is coming from someone who pretends she's an island like it's her job). In some way or another everyone loves some part of someone. Maybe that is only for a week, maybe it is forever even after you are apart. There are some people who have these aspects of themselves that I have fallen in love with even though we aren't together. I guess that real and complete eternal love comes when you are more in love with a person's personality and facets than not. But I'll have to get back to you on that one because I don't know yet.

I am almost in tears as I write this, so much has happened and yet nothing has that I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Believe it or not, that doesn't happen too often. Not like this. So i'm trying to decide what to talk about first. (I'm putting off assignments and dinner until I say what I need to say, only I don't know what that is yet.)

Recently, I've been at a loss. The last couple of posts have been about that and it is something that I don't feel for long periods of time usually. More often than not I find my direction or I impose one on myself because I can't stand to just be spinning or sitting, heaven forbid, for any period of time. I'm like those ants that you try to get on your finger but they just keep hitting it and moving on. If they ever do crawl onto your finger then they are off in two seconds because there is another direction to go. So these past few months have been hard that way. If I don't feel myself moving, then I get a sense of peace that I am where God wants me to be and that, honestly, is enough for me for a long time. Until I ask Him again for confirmation.

But I haven't gotten that.

Or, I should say, I hadn't gotten it. Not in the way I expected. He speaks so directly sometimes that I miss it. I expect that same feeling of peace every time I ask for it. But He knows that it would not keep me moving. He has given me that reassurance through other venues and I'm grateful that I now know what He has been saying to me, even though I haven't been the best listener. I am on the right path. Various sources have given me that knowledge, many of them don't even know it. But let it be known that here I was and I moved and I walked into the dark. That is hard. It is scary. But the music of the night can change your life. If you keep standing underneath the streetlamp then you miss the stars. Sometimes you can't see the moon. Take that faith that there is a path in the dark. That if there is not a path, you will forge one and create the ultimate trail. You can always trust the Lord because He wants you to succeed more than anything. He has not given up on me, that alone has given me reason not to give up on myself, as tempting as that can be.

If you are reading this, if we have ever talked, know that I want the very best for you and that you deserve just that. The very best. If you say it often enough, then you believe it. That is not what makes it true, you can not believe something and it can still be true. Truth is not dependent on the human mind, but it stems from something bigger. Bigger than the sky. You can take part in that. Believe that you can and you can begin to find the truth. Regardless of whether you pay attention to what I am saying or not, the fact still remains that you are a creation of an infinitely perfect being and you have the ability to access that divinity. You have the right to the best things in life because you are the best thing. God believes that. I believe that. And you should too.

I didn't believed that for a long, long time. In my mind I was not worth anything. Yes, I had big dreams but it was for someone other than me. Someone who was more this or more that. Less this and less that. Never myself. This made me scared that I was living my life wrong because I wasn't like other people. I figured that if someone else was like me then that made Me okay. People couldn't think I was weird with any amount of validity because this other person was like that too. But there were some parts of my personality that were cognitively insuppressible. I could not hide that aspect of myself and that has become who I am in many parts. Mostly in private because otherwise people are thrown off by things I say or do.

I am a wonderer.

That was something I really discovered this week at the forum. This is also something that I have been thinking about for a long time too. Who am I and what is my purpose on earth? The answer that I've come up with is that I am meant to experience humanity and record it. The human experience. The little things that make reality. The parts of life that are magical, completely transcendental. What touches the soul. What numbs the emotions. Struggles. Successes. Loss. Love. And everything in between. I've always had the idea that I feel things different than other people. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen, however I do know that I can describe them differently in a way that people can understand. And that has to mean something.

What contributes to that is my constant sense of wonder at everything. Absolutely everything. I began to understand this when I was walking through one of the softest snow falls of the year and realized that I still feel the crinkle in the air between the flakes. That negative space is pure inspiration. I was walking home, it wasn't quite night, and I couldn't resist the urge to fling my arms out and feel as much of that energy as possible. I wanted to partake of it and drink it in. Pure, clean energy and magic. I doubt that a time in my life will come where I will not feel the delicacy of a snowflake and wonder. I wonder at how intricate it can be. How they can fall in that pattern. How they make me feel as though my soul has lifted me up to dance in the air among the flakes. The negative space clears my head, I can think in between the falling snow.

Rain is the same way. The time I feel the most beautiful is after I've been out in the rain and I've let it wash away all of the things I put up to hide in or hidden or ignored or suppressed. My soul explodes into my body and I no longer feel like a body, but rather a being that exists for that moment. For that sensation. To feel my hair fall in front of my face with a little curl in it while my toes push the ground away and I break out into a full out sprint. I feel as though my molecules absorb the energy around me and I can't stop them from moving. Whether it is joy or excitement or curiosity, I am enveloped in the incredible lightness of being.

Wonder.

I am here to answer my question. The thing that motivates me. If you have any idea what my question is, please tell me. I'm being completely serious. Text me, email me, tell me here if you don't want me to know who you are. But I need help figuring out what it is.

There are other things that I've noticed regarding relationships that I find interesting, but that is for another time. I talk about that too much anyways.

One theme that keeps coming up in my life recently, this is on a different note, is that I am single. Not in a depressing and sad way or anything. But maybe a little. Yesterday I went to the international cinema before I went scuba diving and realized something. At that moment in time I realized what I've been wanting all week. Someone. Someone who is there for me no matter what. I needed a body there to hold me tight and just be there. No one has ever really been there for me like that before, I've never cried on a shoulder. Yes, I've missed my chances for that. There have been opportunities and I didn't recognize that until they had passed. However, that doesn't mean that it is something I don't want. Yesterday I needed more than anything a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me close to their chest so I can feel their warm breath on my hair and know that I am safe and I am important. That they care that I feel happy but it is okay that I don't right then. I curled up in a little ball on the seat and just let everything from the past little while wash over me and it made that lack of human physical contact even more noticeable. But that is not something I have right now, and that is okay. Everything is essentially okay and that is good and right. I don't know why I added this, but I did. The feeling could go away tomorrow, or next week, who knows. But it is still here and there is nothing I can do about it.

Now I feel like I can go do some work, finally. I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day and week and I pray that you receive the best and that you begin to notice the wonder all around you.

2012: You and I were born to roam

I wanted to post this entire song, but I have other things in mind for this post. So, you should take a look HERE and check it out because it is beautiful and I just have to share it with someone. I'm going through my whole iTunes library and while there is a huge amount of bad songs, there are some gems. This was one of them. I'm making a couple more mixes for 8Tracks from them, so check there if you need some new music.

I've been thinking a big about the fact that this is now 2013. Life has moved on so quickly. I feel as though I have not written in a long, long time. Written as in really written exactly what I wanted to and in such a way that I could feel good about it afterwards. Funny how that goes, it is like I"ve been lost the past little while, a hollow shell of what I have been. Emotion just were not as strong, I was the epitome of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". I was just happy to sit there in a static and forever gray state. It was not depression, I do not want you to think that. I just wasn't there. I wasn't anywhere. My chest was empty along with my heart, mind, and imagination. Creativity was impossible. I am good at covering things like that, and I doubt anyone really noticed. I just seemed like an absent minded professor.

Thank goodness that I can tell someone this. I can't describe how good it feels to get this down and figure out just what happened. This blog always listens to me and regardless of whether someone chooses to read this or not, I know that someone has already listened. For that I am grateful.

Now I am inviting you to come into my world. I will try to describe things as well as I can so that you may be able to forget that it is me writing it. In my philosophy writing class, we discussed good prose. My professor said that the best prose is the kind that acts as a window through which the reader can gaze through it and see, unobscured, the object on the other side. Good prose does not have faults in the window because you do not want to attract attention to the writing, if what people remember the most from something you wrote is the way that you wrote it, then you did it wrong. I think that is one of the main things that brought me here. I want to write again and I've been so worried about writing it well instead of just putting on paper the thoughts as they come. I never know what I'm going to finish the sentence with until I reach that point. That is how I find myself and that is how I channel that. If I can somehow, even though I am extremely inadequate, allow you to feel what I am and see things how I do then I would know I am doing something in this world. Making some mark.

The thought crossed my mind the other day regarding how I want to be thought of, this was sparked by a comment from a friend. I realized that I didn't know how I wanted people to think of me because it had never occurred to me that people think of me at all. As far as I am concerned, I come into someone's life and then I am out again without having made any lasting mark. The concept of people remembering me is ridiculous and I think that is why I started this blog. So I could remember myself. This is not a sad thing, it is merely something that I've always thought. The first time my mom told me that my brother had said in his prayer that he was glad I'd be home soon from school for Christmas made me cry. The idea that someone actually cared that I would be with them soon was foreign and I couldn't believe it. In my mind I have never been worth it, not in the sense that other people are. I have always felt in the background. I move, I change, I do the behind-the-scenes work that is hardly ever given credit. And I have liked it that way, with that I can pass through people's lives and I can experience what they are and then I can move on when they do. No attachment because everything changes, and the only attachment is in the moment. At one point that person and I were friends and we are not now, but that moment was perfect. That kind of thing. Finding out that people cared really made me think about my life. I still do not think that anyone thinks of me unless I am there with them, but I thought about the way I act and if that reflects my mindset. And it does, completely. I've never been able to understand why I act the way I do, not really, until now. I don't know why I bring that I up, but there it is, maybe I'll need it later.

The best way I can think of to organize my thoughts is by putting up on here my favorite pictures from the past year, many of these have honestly changed my life or have at least had an impact on the way I view the world, myself, and others.

This picture sums up the entire year for me. 2012 has been a year of incredible risks of every kind and I am intensely grateful for all of them that I took and I regret those that I did not because I can see how those that I have changed my life for the better. The universe said to me, "it's time to take a risk, sweetheart. " because it knew that I had never really done that before. I've been enjoying standing on the edge of the cliff with my parachute, feeling the exhilaration of the possibility before me. This year was the time for me to step off that cliff and stop talking.

This is me. Not many people know that, and honestly more people know it than I am aware of. There is no place that I feel more like me than when I am standing there alone looking at something like that. I stand there and I wonder what could be more perfect. Of course, having someone there to experience it with me would be great but the thing is I don't know anyone who experiences things like I do. I soak them in and allow them to fill me up. Breathing, thinking, and not wanting to talk. Darling, let's be adventurers. I think of that song that I linked to the top whenever I look at this picture.

How beautiful would that be? This goes along with what I was saying before about not wanting to be thought of. There is nothing that I do that is worthy of being thought about because there are so many great things that could inhabit your mind. I am not important. But when there is someone that I care about, I want to be able to exist like this even if only for a small amount of time. This was a theme of learning for this year.

This has changed my life. I quote this all the time and I constantly think of it. Whenever I have a hard day, or I feel alone in a class or something, I look around and I notice the art that is around me. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserved to be thought of in this way. Regardless of your station, ethnicity, history, or any other category. Everyone creates art that should be loved. That is what I have been trying to do this year. I look at the way someone holds their cup of tea and that is beautiful, etc. There is a poem by Derrick Brown that I've posted on here a couple of times, but there is a section where God shows him a screen with his life on it and over every image flashes the word 'Holy'. Every aspect of life is holy. Everyone does things that are beautiful and holy. If you take the time to see the sensitive and quiet moments to find that, you will know what I mean. It is the breath before the kiss. It is the way someone does their hair. The way someone eats their Subway sandwich. Holy.

Remembering to take things one at a time and appreciate the small things is what has kept me sane. This list helps me put things in perspective. While it is a little silly, okay it is hugely silly, it actually helped. I could look at it and realize the things that I actually want out of life. A yoga guru that I've been watching says that "If you sweat and laugh once a day, then that is the healthy life." And I believe that, in addition to "Anything can be cured with saltwater: tears, sweat, or the sea." I am still hopelessly romantic about the sea, but regardless I am able to think less on where I am now and instead where and who I want to be.

I needed to do that a huge amount this year. More than ever before. Initially, I could find peace and joy though my interactions with others. That is what energized me and that is how I kept myself from going crazy. However, this year it has been filled with much more introspection. Being with myself is when I have felt the most peace. Experiencing things on my own through a lens that is marred only by my own perceptions of the world has been freeing to the highest possible degree. Freeing myself and freeing my spirit. Another yoga instructor says that in everyday life, if you are stressed or lost just find your pose. find your breath. and there you will find yourself.

In keeping with this theme, I have had to figure out what it means to truly be alive. To experience things. To somehow figure out how to open my heart to the world, to pain. It goes right along with this other picture. I am afraid to say things, to love people, and afraid to go some places. I didn't realize it was because they would hurt until I read this. And I knew that was why. Those things matter and up till now I have been living somewhat of a half life. Now I am doing things that matter and can actually make a difference in my life. Up until now I have been the only one who knows these things. I hope you can do something useful with them.

What matters are these things. In the end, no one cares how you did in college. No one asks you how many books you read or how much music you wrote. Quantity does not matter. Nothing with quantity matters. How many people have you loved? That is not the question that is important. The real question is how have you loved? how deeply? how truly? how completely? Did you learn what true love is? Did you learn who you are? Did you find beauty in the world around you? Did you try things that scared you and did you learn from them? Did you make mistakes? How did you use that knowledge?

Those are the things that matter. I haven't figured anything out. Not really. But I am further along in my confusion than I was at the beginning of the year. I've listened to music that moved me, I found out some previously unknown aspects of myself, I found beauty, there was sweat and tears and laughter and the ocean, I made friends who have changed my life for the better, and I know my Savior more at the end of this year than I ever could have last January. Is there any other way to measure success?

Thanks 2012, you mattered to me.

Tomorrow Never Knows

"I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic..." "They kind of go hand in hand." -Easy A

Now I will have "Pocketful of Sunshine" going through my head for a whole week. "You are on crack! And not the good kind!" Gah. This is a great movie. My sister and I are just hanging out watching it and dying. SO quotable. Sorry if you don't like it. Just kidding, I'm not sorry about it because I like this movie. "What do you think I have down there? A gnome?" Classic.

All that I want to do is write. Watching Emma Stone talk about how she wishes that John Hughes directed her life makes me want to write again. This kills me because I don't know how to write. There are so many better stories than I could ever come up with. Not even close, and I don't want to do that halfway. Easy A is one of them. She speaks with such honesty, it makes me involved in the movie. There is just something charming about it that sticks with me. And I don't mean that all of it was charming, because it wasn't. But her character and the character of that guy. I think that it was written well and Emma Stone acted it impeccably.

My mind... man. This is so frustrating. My mind is so full of things to say and I have no idea on how to say them. The past few days I've been doing that so much. I can't even talk right because my ideas all decide that they want to be said at the same time.

"What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it?" Woodchuck Todd, you have a way with words. Every time I hear "Don't You Forget About Me", I am filled with this bizarre happiness that comes from the contentment of everything being alright. Everything is well and good and that is perfect for that time. There are few things that make me feel so real, so down to earth so quickly as that song does.

Here is a little bit of a brief look into my tiny little life. The holidays are absolutely fantastic. I've made a huge amount of cookies, done butt-loads of yoga, and hung out with my family. Major highlight was finding out my gym had a climbing wall that had a huge amount of free climbing hours and so I can just go whenever and climb, glory halleluja! Plus there is this fantastic dirt bike trail that I'm going to go and try out tomorrow after I get some work and yoga in. It is going to be fantastic.

Although I didn't write anything of importance here, mostly because I've written a huge amount already but I ended up deleting it because it was incredibly stupid and basically involved me reflecting on silly things that don't matter any more. This is much better and I leave with a good feeling.

Keep in mind that this blog was never written to be read, so sorry if you just wasted a couple minutes reading this. But this is kind of how things go. And I went on and wrote a good amount of other stuff, but again it was censored for the better. ANYWHO good night.

Pupusas and Petrichor

So much to cover and this is the latest that I have been up in a long time. There's no time like the present, and here. we. go.

Thanksgiving. Possibly the best holiday ever, which is bizarre because I spent it alone for the most part. But just wait, I'll explain. It really was not as sad as that sounds. My extremely generous extended family gave me use of one of their cars for that holiday! The plan was to head up to Idaho to stay with my grandparents. I planned a couple of stops along the way and turned a trip that was meant to only take 4.5 hours into a whole day affair. My roommate dropped me off at the car, and I settled in for a ride. I'd picked up a couple of different AV cords so that I could play the best roadtrip playlist that had hitherto ever been created (it took me an entire week and a half to craft that beauty). However, the car didn't have either an AV jack or a tape player, so country music it was (at least 70% of the stations were country). Boots off, heat on, and the adventure begins.

If you don't know this about me, you should now. I love the word adventure. That word and everything that accompanies it. I am, to the core, and adventurer. Any chance I get to go to a place I haven't been, learn something I haven't learned, do something off the beaten path, I do it. This trip was no exception. I'd picked out a couple of places I wanted to stop along the way, but I was open to changes. I first stopped at a thrift store in Brigham City. Another random little insight into me is that I have this blog I want to start called "Thrifting Across America". I've always loved that chase, going into a store and just looking for those things that you love and can make look good. Honestly, people hate going thrifting with me because I take forever. I go through everything, I try everything on, and I end up getting like maybe three things. Everything excites me about it, there are so many old records, record players, and books and just about every gizmo and gadget imaginable. OH and mugs. I have a huge weakness when it comes to mugs, I must have at least ten between my family's place and my apartment. That's after getting rid of like five before I left for this semester. Sorry, like I said I really like to thrift.

So I spent like two hours there, bought two shirts and a skirt, and then I got back on the road. I looked for a hole-in-the-wall diner that was supposed to be there but apparently they moved it and Rob's Tires doesn't serve anything remotely related to a 4.32 star plate with sausage and eggs and french toast. Let down. I got back onto I-15, turned up Jake Owen, and enjoyed the ride. I'll have to post some of the pictures that I took along the way sometime. The mountains had a beautiful layer of clouds that made me feel as though I was taking part in something much larger than myself. I can't really explain it.

My trip continued on. I stopped at a reservoir that looked pretty amazing from the road, and skipped some rocks over it. I found a few more thrift stores and took a break at Lava Hot Springs. The drive to get there was incredible, all mountains. I got to the hot springs, I had my swimsuit but I didn't end up using it. I couldn't tell where the right hot springs place was, so I just parked and got out and walked. Another thing that you need to know, I like to walk. ALOT. I walk everywhere all the time. I go on walks, kind of like a grandma. (There was this one guy who offered to drive me somewhere and I said 'it's fine, I'll walk!' and he looked all offended and my roommates said 'no. really! she loves to walk.' that made me extremely happy that they said that). Right, so tangent again. I found this place where there were a bunch of rapids but there was a small island in the middle. The skirt I was wearing was one I had actually made, and it is a maxi batik with patterns of red, yellow, and all shades in between. The wind that day made it whip around and there was something so peaceful about it. There was a little bit of rain, wind in the trees, and the entire city was deserted. I hiked down to the island, it took a little bit of jumping and such, but I got there. And right there I sat down cross-legged and meditated. The rushing of the water around me actually helped me to focus. It calmed my usually frantic mind, and that moment was perfect. I knew I could spend as much time there as I wanted and I had no obligations. Freedom, right there and then. I ended up getting up and walking through the trees and just smelling the juniper. There is no better feeling in the world than being alive. Having your skin buzz with the sensation of living, of experiencing the human condition, and yet transcending that and feeling your entire self and yet something beyond that. In that moment, I was fully myself and a little bit more.

I ended up getting to my grandparents place that night, safe and sound. The next day I ended up going to a place called Mesa Falls. I put some of the pictures up on Tumblr, so here they are if you want to see them. On the way I saw a sign for some dunes, and so I took the turn. I had no idea how to get there, how to get out, and anything in between. My dad knows this especially, but I am really kind of bad at directions. So this was a big deal. It was absolutely breathtaking! Sagebrush was everywhere (love the smell of sage) and juniper. Headed up to the falls, and you can see the pictures there. The Tetons were in the background, I tried to get pictures of it and my camera didn't want to work. Roads all the way up were coated in snow and ice and freedom. Enough about that. I ended up going back to the dunes with my grandparents and making some sage bundles, saw some in this new age shop in Salt Lake and decided to make my own. So genius.

It is getting late. I'll have to write again about more than that... BUT before I go, I just wanted to write some things that I'm thankful for:

• Petrichor (the smell of the ground after it rains)
• Pupusas. If you have never had one, repent immediately and go get one. But probably two. My friend and I went last night and we had so much fun. We talked about ideas and dreams and the future instead of people and what other people were doing. It was really refreshing.
• My family. No matter how many times I mess up and do something ridiculous or straight up dumb, they are always there for me and that means more than the world for me.
• Roommates. A couple of nights ago, one of my roommates and I went on a walk and talked about everything. Even if there were some things that I didn't want to talk about, she pushed me so that I did talk about it and it felt really freeing to say some things. And it felt really good to listen. Thank you.
• Thanksgiving.
• Being at this university. As much crap as I give it, I really am glad to be here. There are so many things that I would be missing out on if I went anywhere else. I've been able to learn how to be myself in an environment that lets me explore the options while keeping me grounded. For those of you who do not know, I am a Philosophy major and I'm really excited to see where I go with it. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to study and learn everything that I am and also learn more about my faith.
• My religion. My life is inexplicably intertwined with my religion. I would not be the same person I am today without it, no doubt about it. And I am so incredibly grateful for it.

Those are the big things. Other random things that I am grateful for and appreciate:

• The way that hands were made. We can do so many things with them. We create, we destroy, we love, we hurt, we talk, and we feel with them. People wonder why I have a thing for hands, but I wonder how other people don't. Hands can tell so much about a person. And I am so grateful for them because I just think they are absolutely incredible.
• New Years kisses. Never gotten one...not expecting one. But I just watched New Year's Eve and everyone just had a New Year's kiss and I just think that its a beautiful moment of humanity.
• Sleep. Because that's what I'm definitely thinking about the most right now.

On that note. I leave you. And I'll post some more gratitudes later and other such things.

Have a delightful evening/morning (depending on your respective timezone) and I shall talk with you later!