The Spaces Between My Fingers

Guys, I'm finally writing again and it feels really good. Not just here, I'm writing my own stuff too and I love it. There is a freedom in expression. There is also an inexplicable pain, one that comes from finding out exactly what makes you tick or realizing that something that you've kept inside of you is now out on the page and will never be a part of you in the same way again. But, you have to do that in order to make room for all of the new thoughts and feelings and bits of pain and sorrow and joy and curiosity.

Tonight, the moon reminded me of something bigger. The cheshire cat smile disappeared behind the grey clouds, as if the moon was calling me to follow it beyond the atmosphere. And I wanted to follow. This week and last I've been wanting to follow that moon along the flat and empty roads of Arizona, Nevada, California, and every other state around here. There is no greater joy that I can imagine right now than taking a road trip. Putting in some music, going to some place to go camping, and just hiding away from everything for a little while. Going alone is fun. But going with someone would be great. If anyone reading this wants to road trip this 3-day weekend has a car and wants to go, let me know. I'm down.

But just imagining myself driving down a road with the silver light of the moon making the asphalt look more silver than black, the sky more blue than black, and the entire world just seems better in the moonlight makes me extremely giddy. I'd make a mix, okay I'd make like three. I'd bring books on tape. I'd bring my guitar. I'd bring my favorite books. I'd leave my computer, my iPod, my kindle, and everything else that weighs me down. We wouldn't talk about homework. We'd talk about what it is like to feel immortal and other important things. I'd bring my sleeping bag and sleep under the stars. I'd bring my film camera and I'd remember all the beautiful moments the world offered me. Those moments make me feel alive. They remind me that I am human, but they make me forget I am mortal. The stars do that more often than anything for me.

There is a painting in the museum of art that I'll after that. This is the kind of moonlight that I am talking about. And skys that go on forever. I want that.

I am always having arguments with myself regarding how personal I want to be on this blog. The debate exists between two sides: I want to be open so that people know what I am going through and can learn from what is happening in my life OR I can just not be open and use this as a chance to get away and just express myself. I want to tell someone what is going on in my life and I talk to my roommate about it, but there are some people I just want to talk to sometimes. And this blog is one of those people and I don't know who reads this. I don't care who reads this because then I'd write to you. And I don't want to do that. Also, I am not a good writer and I feel like you would judge me. So many people write so eloquently and interestingly. I can't, I just write whatever comes through my mind. I tried to write poetry before, and some of it was good. However, that was too structured for me. There is a reason that I prefer Jack Kerouac over Frank O'Hara. I like O'Hara, but Kerouac gets me. He just writes and writes and it is beautiful.

That is all I feel like writing on here today, so goodnight all. Goodnight moon.

Nobody Loves No One

The title has nothing to do with anything, it was just a line in a song that I'm listening to and I found it oddly profound. Everyone loves someone in some way, no man is an island as much as he would like to think it (and that is coming from someone who pretends she's an island like it's her job). In some way or another everyone loves some part of someone. Maybe that is only for a week, maybe it is forever even after you are apart. There are some people who have these aspects of themselves that I have fallen in love with even though we aren't together. I guess that real and complete eternal love comes when you are more in love with a person's personality and facets than not. But I'll have to get back to you on that one because I don't know yet.

I am almost in tears as I write this, so much has happened and yet nothing has that I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Believe it or not, that doesn't happen too often. Not like this. So i'm trying to decide what to talk about first. (I'm putting off assignments and dinner until I say what I need to say, only I don't know what that is yet.)

Recently, I've been at a loss. The last couple of posts have been about that and it is something that I don't feel for long periods of time usually. More often than not I find my direction or I impose one on myself because I can't stand to just be spinning or sitting, heaven forbid, for any period of time. I'm like those ants that you try to get on your finger but they just keep hitting it and moving on. If they ever do crawl onto your finger then they are off in two seconds because there is another direction to go. So these past few months have been hard that way. If I don't feel myself moving, then I get a sense of peace that I am where God wants me to be and that, honestly, is enough for me for a long time. Until I ask Him again for confirmation.

But I haven't gotten that.

Or, I should say, I hadn't gotten it. Not in the way I expected. He speaks so directly sometimes that I miss it. I expect that same feeling of peace every time I ask for it. But He knows that it would not keep me moving. He has given me that reassurance through other venues and I'm grateful that I now know what He has been saying to me, even though I haven't been the best listener. I am on the right path. Various sources have given me that knowledge, many of them don't even know it. But let it be known that here I was and I moved and I walked into the dark. That is hard. It is scary. But the music of the night can change your life. If you keep standing underneath the streetlamp then you miss the stars. Sometimes you can't see the moon. Take that faith that there is a path in the dark. That if there is not a path, you will forge one and create the ultimate trail. You can always trust the Lord because He wants you to succeed more than anything. He has not given up on me, that alone has given me reason not to give up on myself, as tempting as that can be.

If you are reading this, if we have ever talked, know that I want the very best for you and that you deserve just that. The very best. If you say it often enough, then you believe it. That is not what makes it true, you can not believe something and it can still be true. Truth is not dependent on the human mind, but it stems from something bigger. Bigger than the sky. You can take part in that. Believe that you can and you can begin to find the truth. Regardless of whether you pay attention to what I am saying or not, the fact still remains that you are a creation of an infinitely perfect being and you have the ability to access that divinity. You have the right to the best things in life because you are the best thing. God believes that. I believe that. And you should too.

I didn't believed that for a long, long time. In my mind I was not worth anything. Yes, I had big dreams but it was for someone other than me. Someone who was more this or more that. Less this and less that. Never myself. This made me scared that I was living my life wrong because I wasn't like other people. I figured that if someone else was like me then that made Me okay. People couldn't think I was weird with any amount of validity because this other person was like that too. But there were some parts of my personality that were cognitively insuppressible. I could not hide that aspect of myself and that has become who I am in many parts. Mostly in private because otherwise people are thrown off by things I say or do.

I am a wonderer.

That was something I really discovered this week at the forum. This is also something that I have been thinking about for a long time too. Who am I and what is my purpose on earth? The answer that I've come up with is that I am meant to experience humanity and record it. The human experience. The little things that make reality. The parts of life that are magical, completely transcendental. What touches the soul. What numbs the emotions. Struggles. Successes. Loss. Love. And everything in between. I've always had the idea that I feel things different than other people. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen, however I do know that I can describe them differently in a way that people can understand. And that has to mean something.

What contributes to that is my constant sense of wonder at everything. Absolutely everything. I began to understand this when I was walking through one of the softest snow falls of the year and realized that I still feel the crinkle in the air between the flakes. That negative space is pure inspiration. I was walking home, it wasn't quite night, and I couldn't resist the urge to fling my arms out and feel as much of that energy as possible. I wanted to partake of it and drink it in. Pure, clean energy and magic. I doubt that a time in my life will come where I will not feel the delicacy of a snowflake and wonder. I wonder at how intricate it can be. How they can fall in that pattern. How they make me feel as though my soul has lifted me up to dance in the air among the flakes. The negative space clears my head, I can think in between the falling snow.

Rain is the same way. The time I feel the most beautiful is after I've been out in the rain and I've let it wash away all of the things I put up to hide in or hidden or ignored or suppressed. My soul explodes into my body and I no longer feel like a body, but rather a being that exists for that moment. For that sensation. To feel my hair fall in front of my face with a little curl in it while my toes push the ground away and I break out into a full out sprint. I feel as though my molecules absorb the energy around me and I can't stop them from moving. Whether it is joy or excitement or curiosity, I am enveloped in the incredible lightness of being.

Wonder.

I am here to answer my question. The thing that motivates me. If you have any idea what my question is, please tell me. I'm being completely serious. Text me, email me, tell me here if you don't want me to know who you are. But I need help figuring out what it is.

There are other things that I've noticed regarding relationships that I find interesting, but that is for another time. I talk about that too much anyways.

One theme that keeps coming up in my life recently, this is on a different note, is that I am single. Not in a depressing and sad way or anything. But maybe a little. Yesterday I went to the international cinema before I went scuba diving and realized something. At that moment in time I realized what I've been wanting all week. Someone. Someone who is there for me no matter what. I needed a body there to hold me tight and just be there. No one has ever really been there for me like that before, I've never cried on a shoulder. Yes, I've missed my chances for that. There have been opportunities and I didn't recognize that until they had passed. However, that doesn't mean that it is something I don't want. Yesterday I needed more than anything a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me close to their chest so I can feel their warm breath on my hair and know that I am safe and I am important. That they care that I feel happy but it is okay that I don't right then. I curled up in a little ball on the seat and just let everything from the past little while wash over me and it made that lack of human physical contact even more noticeable. But that is not something I have right now, and that is okay. Everything is essentially okay and that is good and right. I don't know why I added this, but I did. The feeling could go away tomorrow, or next week, who knows. But it is still here and there is nothing I can do about it.

Now I feel like I can go do some work, finally. I hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day and week and I pray that you receive the best and that you begin to notice the wonder all around you.

2012: You and I were born to roam

I wanted to post this entire song, but I have other things in mind for this post. So, you should take a look HERE and check it out because it is beautiful and I just have to share it with someone. I'm going through my whole iTunes library and while there is a huge amount of bad songs, there are some gems. This was one of them. I'm making a couple more mixes for 8Tracks from them, so check there if you need some new music.

I've been thinking a big about the fact that this is now 2013. Life has moved on so quickly. I feel as though I have not written in a long, long time. Written as in really written exactly what I wanted to and in such a way that I could feel good about it afterwards. Funny how that goes, it is like I"ve been lost the past little while, a hollow shell of what I have been. Emotion just were not as strong, I was the epitome of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". I was just happy to sit there in a static and forever gray state. It was not depression, I do not want you to think that. I just wasn't there. I wasn't anywhere. My chest was empty along with my heart, mind, and imagination. Creativity was impossible. I am good at covering things like that, and I doubt anyone really noticed. I just seemed like an absent minded professor.

Thank goodness that I can tell someone this. I can't describe how good it feels to get this down and figure out just what happened. This blog always listens to me and regardless of whether someone chooses to read this or not, I know that someone has already listened. For that I am grateful.

Now I am inviting you to come into my world. I will try to describe things as well as I can so that you may be able to forget that it is me writing it. In my philosophy writing class, we discussed good prose. My professor said that the best prose is the kind that acts as a window through which the reader can gaze through it and see, unobscured, the object on the other side. Good prose does not have faults in the window because you do not want to attract attention to the writing, if what people remember the most from something you wrote is the way that you wrote it, then you did it wrong. I think that is one of the main things that brought me here. I want to write again and I've been so worried about writing it well instead of just putting on paper the thoughts as they come. I never know what I'm going to finish the sentence with until I reach that point. That is how I find myself and that is how I channel that. If I can somehow, even though I am extremely inadequate, allow you to feel what I am and see things how I do then I would know I am doing something in this world. Making some mark.

The thought crossed my mind the other day regarding how I want to be thought of, this was sparked by a comment from a friend. I realized that I didn't know how I wanted people to think of me because it had never occurred to me that people think of me at all. As far as I am concerned, I come into someone's life and then I am out again without having made any lasting mark. The concept of people remembering me is ridiculous and I think that is why I started this blog. So I could remember myself. This is not a sad thing, it is merely something that I've always thought. The first time my mom told me that my brother had said in his prayer that he was glad I'd be home soon from school for Christmas made me cry. The idea that someone actually cared that I would be with them soon was foreign and I couldn't believe it. In my mind I have never been worth it, not in the sense that other people are. I have always felt in the background. I move, I change, I do the behind-the-scenes work that is hardly ever given credit. And I have liked it that way, with that I can pass through people's lives and I can experience what they are and then I can move on when they do. No attachment because everything changes, and the only attachment is in the moment. At one point that person and I were friends and we are not now, but that moment was perfect. That kind of thing. Finding out that people cared really made me think about my life. I still do not think that anyone thinks of me unless I am there with them, but I thought about the way I act and if that reflects my mindset. And it does, completely. I've never been able to understand why I act the way I do, not really, until now. I don't know why I bring that I up, but there it is, maybe I'll need it later.

The best way I can think of to organize my thoughts is by putting up on here my favorite pictures from the past year, many of these have honestly changed my life or have at least had an impact on the way I view the world, myself, and others.

This picture sums up the entire year for me. 2012 has been a year of incredible risks of every kind and I am intensely grateful for all of them that I took and I regret those that I did not because I can see how those that I have changed my life for the better. The universe said to me, "it's time to take a risk, sweetheart. " because it knew that I had never really done that before. I've been enjoying standing on the edge of the cliff with my parachute, feeling the exhilaration of the possibility before me. This year was the time for me to step off that cliff and stop talking.

This is me. Not many people know that, and honestly more people know it than I am aware of. There is no place that I feel more like me than when I am standing there alone looking at something like that. I stand there and I wonder what could be more perfect. Of course, having someone there to experience it with me would be great but the thing is I don't know anyone who experiences things like I do. I soak them in and allow them to fill me up. Breathing, thinking, and not wanting to talk. Darling, let's be adventurers. I think of that song that I linked to the top whenever I look at this picture.

How beautiful would that be? This goes along with what I was saying before about not wanting to be thought of. There is nothing that I do that is worthy of being thought about because there are so many great things that could inhabit your mind. I am not important. But when there is someone that I care about, I want to be able to exist like this even if only for a small amount of time. This was a theme of learning for this year.

This has changed my life. I quote this all the time and I constantly think of it. Whenever I have a hard day, or I feel alone in a class or something, I look around and I notice the art that is around me. Everyone is beautiful and everyone deserved to be thought of in this way. Regardless of your station, ethnicity, history, or any other category. Everyone creates art that should be loved. That is what I have been trying to do this year. I look at the way someone holds their cup of tea and that is beautiful, etc. There is a poem by Derrick Brown that I've posted on here a couple of times, but there is a section where God shows him a screen with his life on it and over every image flashes the word 'Holy'. Every aspect of life is holy. Everyone does things that are beautiful and holy. If you take the time to see the sensitive and quiet moments to find that, you will know what I mean. It is the breath before the kiss. It is the way someone does their hair. The way someone eats their Subway sandwich. Holy.

Remembering to take things one at a time and appreciate the small things is what has kept me sane. This list helps me put things in perspective. While it is a little silly, okay it is hugely silly, it actually helped. I could look at it and realize the things that I actually want out of life. A yoga guru that I've been watching says that "If you sweat and laugh once a day, then that is the healthy life." And I believe that, in addition to "Anything can be cured with saltwater: tears, sweat, or the sea." I am still hopelessly romantic about the sea, but regardless I am able to think less on where I am now and instead where and who I want to be.

I needed to do that a huge amount this year. More than ever before. Initially, I could find peace and joy though my interactions with others. That is what energized me and that is how I kept myself from going crazy. However, this year it has been filled with much more introspection. Being with myself is when I have felt the most peace. Experiencing things on my own through a lens that is marred only by my own perceptions of the world has been freeing to the highest possible degree. Freeing myself and freeing my spirit. Another yoga instructor says that in everyday life, if you are stressed or lost just find your pose. find your breath. and there you will find yourself.

In keeping with this theme, I have had to figure out what it means to truly be alive. To experience things. To somehow figure out how to open my heart to the world, to pain. It goes right along with this other picture. I am afraid to say things, to love people, and afraid to go some places. I didn't realize it was because they would hurt until I read this. And I knew that was why. Those things matter and up till now I have been living somewhat of a half life. Now I am doing things that matter and can actually make a difference in my life. Up until now I have been the only one who knows these things. I hope you can do something useful with them.

What matters are these things. In the end, no one cares how you did in college. No one asks you how many books you read or how much music you wrote. Quantity does not matter. Nothing with quantity matters. How many people have you loved? That is not the question that is important. The real question is how have you loved? how deeply? how truly? how completely? Did you learn what true love is? Did you learn who you are? Did you find beauty in the world around you? Did you try things that scared you and did you learn from them? Did you make mistakes? How did you use that knowledge?

Those are the things that matter. I haven't figured anything out. Not really. But I am further along in my confusion than I was at the beginning of the year. I've listened to music that moved me, I found out some previously unknown aspects of myself, I found beauty, there was sweat and tears and laughter and the ocean, I made friends who have changed my life for the better, and I know my Savior more at the end of this year than I ever could have last January. Is there any other way to measure success?

Thanks 2012, you mattered to me.

Tomorrow Never Knows

"I can't decide if you're a genius or a lunatic..." "They kind of go hand in hand." -Easy A

Now I will have "Pocketful of Sunshine" going through my head for a whole week. "You are on crack! And not the good kind!" Gah. This is a great movie. My sister and I are just hanging out watching it and dying. SO quotable. Sorry if you don't like it. Just kidding, I'm not sorry about it because I like this movie. "What do you think I have down there? A gnome?" Classic.

All that I want to do is write. Watching Emma Stone talk about how she wishes that John Hughes directed her life makes me want to write again. This kills me because I don't know how to write. There are so many better stories than I could ever come up with. Not even close, and I don't want to do that halfway. Easy A is one of them. She speaks with such honesty, it makes me involved in the movie. There is just something charming about it that sticks with me. And I don't mean that all of it was charming, because it wasn't. But her character and the character of that guy. I think that it was written well and Emma Stone acted it impeccably.

My mind... man. This is so frustrating. My mind is so full of things to say and I have no idea on how to say them. The past few days I've been doing that so much. I can't even talk right because my ideas all decide that they want to be said at the same time.

"What if I told you I wanted to be dragged into it?" Woodchuck Todd, you have a way with words. Every time I hear "Don't You Forget About Me", I am filled with this bizarre happiness that comes from the contentment of everything being alright. Everything is well and good and that is perfect for that time. There are few things that make me feel so real, so down to earth so quickly as that song does.

Here is a little bit of a brief look into my tiny little life. The holidays are absolutely fantastic. I've made a huge amount of cookies, done butt-loads of yoga, and hung out with my family. Major highlight was finding out my gym had a climbing wall that had a huge amount of free climbing hours and so I can just go whenever and climb, glory halleluja! Plus there is this fantastic dirt bike trail that I'm going to go and try out tomorrow after I get some work and yoga in. It is going to be fantastic.

Although I didn't write anything of importance here, mostly because I've written a huge amount already but I ended up deleting it because it was incredibly stupid and basically involved me reflecting on silly things that don't matter any more. This is much better and I leave with a good feeling.

Keep in mind that this blog was never written to be read, so sorry if you just wasted a couple minutes reading this. But this is kind of how things go. And I went on and wrote a good amount of other stuff, but again it was censored for the better. ANYWHO good night.

Pupusas and Petrichor

So much to cover and this is the latest that I have been up in a long time. There's no time like the present, and here. we. go.

Thanksgiving. Possibly the best holiday ever, which is bizarre because I spent it alone for the most part. But just wait, I'll explain. It really was not as sad as that sounds. My extremely generous extended family gave me use of one of their cars for that holiday! The plan was to head up to Idaho to stay with my grandparents. I planned a couple of stops along the way and turned a trip that was meant to only take 4.5 hours into a whole day affair. My roommate dropped me off at the car, and I settled in for a ride. I'd picked up a couple of different AV cords so that I could play the best roadtrip playlist that had hitherto ever been created (it took me an entire week and a half to craft that beauty). However, the car didn't have either an AV jack or a tape player, so country music it was (at least 70% of the stations were country). Boots off, heat on, and the adventure begins.

If you don't know this about me, you should now. I love the word adventure. That word and everything that accompanies it. I am, to the core, and adventurer. Any chance I get to go to a place I haven't been, learn something I haven't learned, do something off the beaten path, I do it. This trip was no exception. I'd picked out a couple of places I wanted to stop along the way, but I was open to changes. I first stopped at a thrift store in Brigham City. Another random little insight into me is that I have this blog I want to start called "Thrifting Across America". I've always loved that chase, going into a store and just looking for those things that you love and can make look good. Honestly, people hate going thrifting with me because I take forever. I go through everything, I try everything on, and I end up getting like maybe three things. Everything excites me about it, there are so many old records, record players, and books and just about every gizmo and gadget imaginable. OH and mugs. I have a huge weakness when it comes to mugs, I must have at least ten between my family's place and my apartment. That's after getting rid of like five before I left for this semester. Sorry, like I said I really like to thrift.

So I spent like two hours there, bought two shirts and a skirt, and then I got back on the road. I looked for a hole-in-the-wall diner that was supposed to be there but apparently they moved it and Rob's Tires doesn't serve anything remotely related to a 4.32 star plate with sausage and eggs and french toast. Let down. I got back onto I-15, turned up Jake Owen, and enjoyed the ride. I'll have to post some of the pictures that I took along the way sometime. The mountains had a beautiful layer of clouds that made me feel as though I was taking part in something much larger than myself. I can't really explain it.

My trip continued on. I stopped at a reservoir that looked pretty amazing from the road, and skipped some rocks over it. I found a few more thrift stores and took a break at Lava Hot Springs. The drive to get there was incredible, all mountains. I got to the hot springs, I had my swimsuit but I didn't end up using it. I couldn't tell where the right hot springs place was, so I just parked and got out and walked. Another thing that you need to know, I like to walk. ALOT. I walk everywhere all the time. I go on walks, kind of like a grandma. (There was this one guy who offered to drive me somewhere and I said 'it's fine, I'll walk!' and he looked all offended and my roommates said 'no. really! she loves to walk.' that made me extremely happy that they said that). Right, so tangent again. I found this place where there were a bunch of rapids but there was a small island in the middle. The skirt I was wearing was one I had actually made, and it is a maxi batik with patterns of red, yellow, and all shades in between. The wind that day made it whip around and there was something so peaceful about it. There was a little bit of rain, wind in the trees, and the entire city was deserted. I hiked down to the island, it took a little bit of jumping and such, but I got there. And right there I sat down cross-legged and meditated. The rushing of the water around me actually helped me to focus. It calmed my usually frantic mind, and that moment was perfect. I knew I could spend as much time there as I wanted and I had no obligations. Freedom, right there and then. I ended up getting up and walking through the trees and just smelling the juniper. There is no better feeling in the world than being alive. Having your skin buzz with the sensation of living, of experiencing the human condition, and yet transcending that and feeling your entire self and yet something beyond that. In that moment, I was fully myself and a little bit more.

I ended up getting to my grandparents place that night, safe and sound. The next day I ended up going to a place called Mesa Falls. I put some of the pictures up on Tumblr, so here they are if you want to see them. On the way I saw a sign for some dunes, and so I took the turn. I had no idea how to get there, how to get out, and anything in between. My dad knows this especially, but I am really kind of bad at directions. So this was a big deal. It was absolutely breathtaking! Sagebrush was everywhere (love the smell of sage) and juniper. Headed up to the falls, and you can see the pictures there. The Tetons were in the background, I tried to get pictures of it and my camera didn't want to work. Roads all the way up were coated in snow and ice and freedom. Enough about that. I ended up going back to the dunes with my grandparents and making some sage bundles, saw some in this new age shop in Salt Lake and decided to make my own. So genius.

It is getting late. I'll have to write again about more than that... BUT before I go, I just wanted to write some things that I'm thankful for:

• Petrichor (the smell of the ground after it rains)
• Pupusas. If you have never had one, repent immediately and go get one. But probably two. My friend and I went last night and we had so much fun. We talked about ideas and dreams and the future instead of people and what other people were doing. It was really refreshing.
• My family. No matter how many times I mess up and do something ridiculous or straight up dumb, they are always there for me and that means more than the world for me.
• Roommates. A couple of nights ago, one of my roommates and I went on a walk and talked about everything. Even if there were some things that I didn't want to talk about, she pushed me so that I did talk about it and it felt really freeing to say some things. And it felt really good to listen. Thank you.
• Thanksgiving.
• Being at this university. As much crap as I give it, I really am glad to be here. There are so many things that I would be missing out on if I went anywhere else. I've been able to learn how to be myself in an environment that lets me explore the options while keeping me grounded. For those of you who do not know, I am a Philosophy major and I'm really excited to see where I go with it. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to study and learn everything that I am and also learn more about my faith.
• My religion. My life is inexplicably intertwined with my religion. I would not be the same person I am today without it, no doubt about it. And I am so incredibly grateful for it.

Those are the big things. Other random things that I am grateful for and appreciate:

• The way that hands were made. We can do so many things with them. We create, we destroy, we love, we hurt, we talk, and we feel with them. People wonder why I have a thing for hands, but I wonder how other people don't. Hands can tell so much about a person. And I am so grateful for them because I just think they are absolutely incredible.
• New Years kisses. Never gotten one...not expecting one. But I just watched New Year's Eve and everyone just had a New Year's kiss and I just think that its a beautiful moment of humanity.
• Sleep. Because that's what I'm definitely thinking about the most right now.

On that note. I leave you. And I'll post some more gratitudes later and other such things.

Have a delightful evening/morning (depending on your respective timezone) and I shall talk with you later!

Come Fill Me to the Parting Glass

I was watching Once Upon A Time, but wasn't really feeling that. I should be cleaning because we've got checks tomorrow, but I'm not feeling that. So I find myself here. There is absolutely nothing in particular that I want to write about, whenever I do have something then it gets me in trouble. So I'm interested to find out where this will lead me.

Now I feel as though I have to be careful about what I write because I know that people read it. I don't want to say the wrong thing or write something that confuses people. What I write on this blog is there for me and me alone. I write because it helps me to figure out what I want to say, what I am trying to think, and what I am doing with my life. It is completely there for self-analysis. Even when I am not writing about myself, as I am now, everything is somehow related to what I am thinking about. Whether it is because I need to remind myself that the stars are still there beyond the haze of stress and city lights or that I can really become someone. Maybe I just need to remember that there is something out there that I do just for me.

I don't want to have to watch everything that I write. Trying to find the best word for what I want to say because if I try to explain it then you might become lost in the process. That is a big part about what having ADD means to me. Most people go from Point A to Point B through some straight and direct path. But I go all the way to Point Z and then to M and back to A and round and round. It is direct to me and I wouldn't have it any other way. For me, there is joy in the journey as well as the destination. Deciding that I am finally at a destination means that I have looked at every possible alternative that I can think of and decided that I picked the one that will make me the happiest overall.

If you are not into psycho-analysis then I advise you to tune out now.

What is it about me that makes me think that I have to cope with everything? It is like I need to protect myself from everything and everyone, even the smallest moments. I have lowered my expectations to just above rock bottom that way I feel as though I will never be disappointed. It is a little extreme to say that I like to see the worst in everything and am pleasantly surprised when things turn out well. That is not at all the case. First of all, when it comes to other people's lives I always assume the best. My friends deserve no less than the best because they are the best. They are stunning, sweet, talented, graceful, funny, smart, and amazing in every possible way. I just know that life has so much goodness in store for them.

However, when it comes to anything in my life then I automatically assume the worst. I assume that I have absolutely no affect on the lives of anyone but my own. No one thinks of me, ever. In any context. I just do not merit being thought about. I feel like I am plain in every possible way. In friendships, I always assume that I am the 'lesser' friend. In school, now at least, I always know there is someone smarter than me so I never try to be smart. No one wants to really get to know me, they just want to talk about themselves. I've found that when I'm talking with someone and they start to ask me about me, I always say something wrong or with the wrong inflection and they are instantly bored. They ask obligatory questions because they know that is what they are supposed to do. However, I give up on that because I don't want to talk about myself to someone who is not going to listen. So I ask them about themselves. They'll ask me questions, sometimes. I'll give short, concise answers where I reveal just enough of myself to stand out against the typical but not enough to flesh me out. I tell people about who I really am and some how that comes back to bite me.

Part of that isn't true, but it is kind of how I see things. I don't know how I became this beast of survival. Somehow I shut down. On some level I shut down. I don't ever want to show I'm more interested in someone, when I really am, if I don't think that they are interested in me. If I don't absolutely know for sure, then I am not going to do anything. Maybe I feel that it exposes weakness. It is like I am a dragon and by showing I have a tie with some person is like rolling over in the middle of a mob of angry villagers with sharp objects and showing them my soft underbelly. I don't know who the villagers are. Well, okay. I do. I am so untrusting of people. I imagine the villagers as being that person and those who know because they can exploit it. They can stick a hot firebrand into my belly and watch me squirm because they know how to hurt me. I can't see into the dark parts of everyone's soul and so I assume that there is some part of everyone that wants to hurt me. That wants to reject me. If I were ever to show my whole self, all of what I thought and felt and dreamt, that they would reject me.

I have yet to be proven different.

My dad said that I'm like my mom. We both just put up walls against absolutely everyone. He has no idea why. He is a gruff guy, but deep down at the core he is an open nerve. Sometimes he can just let things roll off, but other times when someone says something to him he lets it really hurt him. I don't know what me me like this, I don't know how I got this way. I figured that it wasn't worth heartbreak or anything when I was younger. Maybe it was because I moved so much, I just thought this was a good way to stay happy. Because thats what I think I'm doing when I do this, when I keep to myself and block others out. I think that I am protecting my happiness.

I think another thing is that I do not want to let anyone in who does not honestly want to be there. Just asking questions is not enough. You have to want to know the answer. To know the honest answer. To expect the honest answer. You have to listen. You have to know when I give you the 'condensed' story and want to hear the full one because that is what will help you get to know me. You have to push me and push me and push me. I don't give in easily. I am stubborn as they come. I can promise that you have never met anyone quite as stubborn as I am. I do not allow anyone into my mind who I do not think is 'worthy'. That takes time. There is no particular amount of time. It depends on how hard you push. If I don't shove back, then you're on the right path. But once you push me far enough that I have no more walls to hide behind, that is when I will take your hand and walk the path with you.

But you will have to be patient. Whoever you are.

You will have to know that I am sincerely trying. I don't want to be this way. It is a hard life to life, never having anyone that you can lean on. I have my family, and that is really all that I need. But when I am away from them, it is so hard some days to put on a smile when all I want to do is sit on my bed and talk the problem out completely with someone. I don't want to be like this. All I have to trust in now is this blog. Yes, I have friends. Don't get me wrong. But they all have their own problems. And more often than not I do not feel like I am worth the amount of time it would take for them to listen. They have so many better things that they could be doing and are doing.

It is my fault. I know that. I accept full blame for any relationship that goes wrong because I am this way. In some ways I feel like I am broken. There is a character in Once Upon a Time who does not have a heart. And I relate to him more than I ever thought that I would. He does things just to find out how to feel again, and that is what I do. I have to learn how to use my heart. That is something that cannot be taught and I guess I wasn't born with it. I am finding out how to make myself feel things, and the safest way to do that is on my own. But safe is overrated, right? Right. So I try. However, my efforts are never enough for normal human beings. They can't understand me, what I am. At least they haven't as far as I know.

I like to think that there is someone out there who is willing to push me and push me and wait for me to start pushing back. Someone who will actually stick around through stubborn me to find the real me. But I honestly think I am asking way too much out of mankind for that. Even just for a friend. No one has time to do that, and no one has the motivation to do so. When you can't see what the prize at the end is, what is the thing driving you on? That is just it, there isn't anything. People can't see what I am and so there is nothing keeping them searching. They search on faith, faith that there is someone underneath all of my shells that is something resembling what they think it is. But my stubbornness is stronger than anyone's will to search. Just as I think that someone is going to keep pushing, and I can feel that I am about to cave in, they give up because they have been trying for too long.

That is the way it is with friends, with people I like, with my family. They push, but they hit the point of their breaking right before they get to mine. I get so excited. Finally, there is someone who I can talk to who actually cares about what I have to say at that moment! Oh, wait. Nope. I did it again. I overestimated their motivation. And once again I am left on my own.

I made myself this way. There is some part of me that has always been like this. I keep trying to open myself up. I do! I do! I do! You do not understand how difficult this is for me. Life is so much easier with my dragon shell up. I experience happiness this way. I am never reliant on others for my feelings and that has it's own kind of freedom. And I'm a freedom junkie. However, I know that this way I can never feel joy. I need to be pushed to the brink of truth and trust and I need to fall and give in. Yes, I'll experience the extremes of lows, or at least I'll put myself at that risk because I know it is worth it for those incredible highs. The height of feeling will be higher than anything I've known. But that requires someone who is willing to take a chance on me. And who is willing to push.

I promise that I'll do what I can to tear down the walls on my side. I've gotten better. I almost ripped them all down last time. Until I hit the last little bit of brick wall. The person gave up on their side of the wall. They began to see only the bricks, and not the walls that were being removed. I saw the walls. I could feel the breeze from the freedom of the other side. The sun was there. The air was sweeter. But they gave up just as I almost finished the last bit of bricks. It was not worth it.

So I picked up my mortar and began rebuilding them again.

The only way that anyone could possibly bear to be near me is to see things from my side. To see how I look at things. Because that will help it all make more sense.

Right now I am just a crazy person who has done a little bit too much self reflection. I don't want to be the person who shuts everything and everyone out because she is perfectly happy on her own. I want someone to be there with me. But that person needs to want to be there. No matter how hard it is, they have to stick it out. They have to be determined that I am who I say I am and they have to want to find that out. But, let's be real. That person doesn't exist. No normal human being can be that persistant. And I'm sorry for that.

I blame the mountains and the stars for this post tonight. Oh, and Ed Sheeran. That is a deadly triple threat. There is no where that I would rather be than up in the mountains right now. Laying out. Looking at the stars. If I had a car, I'd be up there right now. I'd pull an all-nighter because it would be worth it just to feel that starlight on my skin. To feel alive. To be a part of nature. And to allow nature into your consciousness and allow it to change you.

My dear moon stuck it out and now I think that the Moon and Stars know more about me than anything else ever has. They are always there and they always want to listen. They have seen me on my good days, on my bad. And yet they continue to be there. They continue to reach out and touch my soul, just enough to get my mind going. Tonight they pushed my soul just enough. It was more than I could simply think about, so I had to write.

I work early morning shifts, so I get to see some parts of Provo that no one ever does. This morning is what started me thinking about all of this. I looked out the window of the building I work in and I saw the mountains completely covered in snow. The sun was rising on the other side and the tips were pink. For some reason it was so beautiful that it almost moved me to tears. I don't know what it is about that image that just struck me so hard. It was like someone had hit my chest with a semi-truck. I knew there was no other place I would rather be than waking up in a tent in the mountains to that red dawn. I know that I'd want someone next to me, but that doesn't matter. Again, I need to watch what I say on these blogs or else everyone will know about me... yeah no.

Anyways, I saw that and I thought of all the people I knew that I would want up on that mountain top with me. Everyone would be too busy. Naturally. I'm a busy person too. But when I see that, and I know that is where I want to be, I need to find someone crazy enough to want to be there too.

BUT. It is late. I've got work at 5. And this week is going to be crazy.

PEACE&BLESSINGS.

P.S. If you want to read some of what I've written this week (about random shiz. specifically for a book that I think I might write...), message/text me or comment on this post or something. or you can message me on Tumblr here. And you can even do it anonymous if you want. Just give me somewhere to send it.

I let my mind run wild and free

I let my mind run wild and free

If i sink or swim, only one way to find out

How it ends

The lover's fight

Should I keep my walls up high and tall?

Strong and steady, no fear at all

If I go blind from all this love,

at least it was you I was thinking of 

So take what you will and I'll take the rest

I'll jump overboard and into this

Those are lyrics from Angel Taylor's new song that she posted on facebook, "The Lover's Fight". Its pretty chill and stuff, so I like it. It definitely fits the mood of the night. There is nothing I want to do more than be at peace. There was this one kid who kept inviting me to do stuff tonight, and it isn't that I don't want to. I wouldn't mind. But tonight is a night where I am thinking about everything, in a really really good way. For those of you who understand Doctor Who, it is as though I am going through a regeneration cycle and I am just finding my bearing before I go and talk with people. The past few weeks I haven't been so good at the saying words good thing. I'm having a little bit of rehab tonight so that I can be normal when conversing hopefully at some point. But, let's not hold our breath for anything, miracles happen once in a while and I might be so lucky.

There are so many random things that I want to write about, but I can't figure out where to start. I talked to my mom this week, and thank goodness for mothers. She is one of my best friends, honestly. She talks to me like an equal and I do the same. She called me once and just started ranting about how our house was just breaking down, then she boasted about my siblings and stuff, and said something about how she hasn't had much contact with adults recently. I don't mind at all, because I love hearing about my family. I am so proud of all of them and where they are! They are doing so well and I really could not love them all more. But anyways, my talk with Mom this week. I called her about this dilemma that I am having, and I told her the basic outline of what was up and asked her about what I should do. When she told me her opinion, everything fell into place and made sense. I could not believe that I had gone that long without talking to her because the problem became much more clear and a feeling of peace and patience came over me.

She said that I just needed to think about what "Cool Emily" would do. That may sound like an insult or something, but I promise that it is not. "Cool Emily" is the person that I would like to be some day. When I pick out clothes, I think of what this ideal person would wear. It is how I perceive myself on the best of days and it is also the conglomeration of everything that I hear or see that I want to integrate as a part of myself. "Cool Emily" is the personification of all those ideals and thoughts. So when she said that, it all made sense. How would a calm, composed, and independent person deal with this? She would do so with patience, respect, and honesty. She would do it in a way that may cause a little pain on her part but would preserve the pride of the other person because she knows that she can lose pride and wouldn't want to hurt anyone. The "Uncool Emily" or whatever I am now didn't and is not doing that. When I realized that, and realized how much I need to apologize for, my stomach dropped. There is so much and I have been in the wrong about everything. I should not have done things the way that I did or let them affect me the way that I have. Cool Emily is strong. Yes she is able to be hurt and such, but she is strong enough to know that life will keep moving on even though she wants it to stop. She smiles, stands up tall, and uses whatever happened to make herself a better person instead of letting it sit and make her miserable. She knows that you cannot change the past.

How I wish I could change some things of the past. There are so many points in my life that I can see now and see the way I acted and wish I could change it. I'd be a better student, friend, daughter, sister, etc. But you cannot go back and change the past. There is a phrase in Arabic: اللي فات مات. "Illi faat maat." What it means literally is that which is past is dead. While the past has made me who I am, I cannot go back and change it as if it is some protean, living being. There is nothing about it which can be altered now. And that makes me sick, to tell you the truth. UGH I can be such an idiot about things sometimes. I get carried away and forget about who I am striving to be and why. I get lost in my head and my emotions hotwire the system and I feel like they take my heart for a joyride. What I said is done, I cannot retract them and I cannot explain my way out of them. They sit there like a cold bowl of oatmeal. As much as you want to get rid of it, you have to let them sit until some hot water loosens it up to the point where you can dispose of it. But with words, the hot water comes from the other person and together you decide to forget the past. If they don't want to turn on the tap, for good reason too, you are stuck with a bowl of cold oatmeal that not even Goldilocks would try.

Tonight though, tonight was for me. I put on some leggings and an oversized plaid shirt from my DI boyfriend (my boyfriend refers to the relationship that I have with the men's section at DI... comfortable clothing for the win..) and I curled up with my favorite blanket, favorite tea, a full stomach, folk music, and the Odyssey. The Odyssey was less than desirable  I swear if I read the phrase 'Dawn comes early, on rosy fingers' one more time, I'll reanimate Homer just so I can have the satisfaction of being the cause of his second death. But it has been good. I should go talk to people, I know. But I've been figuring out some stuff today and I was social this morning. So, I'm letting myself off. Just this once.

Ever After, in VHS form, is currently in our VCR and I am soo ready to hit play. Since I don't want to stop writing, I figure I might as well discuss what this movie always makes me think of: Romance. I love watching romance movies because it puts me back into my favorite role, that of the observer. Nothing ever happens to me, so I am the observer. That is not entirely true, romantic stuff does happen to me. But what I mean is that I am once again logical. Also, my friends are the ones who deserve these kind of romance stories. I like to imagine that one day I will be the star in my story, but let's be real. I am a Joan Cusack character for life.

ANYWAYS. I just wanted to make a quick list of some of my favorite film relationships.

1. Harold and Maude. This is one of my favorites because it deals with more than love in a romantic sense. While that is there, it involves a love for life. Maude develops in Harold a love for humanity, for experience, for feeling everything that you possibly can no matter how crazy or painful it may be.
2. Danielle and Prince Henry. Every. Single. Time. I watch this movie, I fall in love with this romance. It makes me want to cry. When he comes and saves her and she runs across the courtyard and into his arms, I have to squeeze whatever pillow I'm holding because it makes me so ecstatically happy. And how he just talks to her about anything. Plus they have some of the best kisses in movie history.
3. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. DUH. She is just so perfect, and he is too. They both have to undergo a change before anything can happen and they do it because they love each other. It is hard, but it 
   is worth it in the end. I also love how she says to Mr. Darcy, "It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly." Elizabeth coloured and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations." I love this because they knew each other well enough to believe exactly what the intentions of the other were. Such a beautiful scene. Best telling comes from the book.
4. Jane Eyre and Rochester. While this is not perfect, I love how devoted they are to each other. They are both weird and have enough baggage to fill an aircraft carrier, but they accept that and it does not change either one's opinion of the other.
5. Patrick Verona and Kat Stratford (10 things I hate about you). Okay, this is not the best romance ever or anything. But they are up here because they legitimately have one of the top three kisses EVER. Ever time it is fantastic.

Since I'm on a role... Why stop? Because I do not want to overwhelm you. Although I will leave you with a list of most romantic songs, that are so because it is my humble opinion.

1. Mary May and Bobby by Joe Purdy. This song tells an incredible story and has a feeling that just kind of stays with you.
2. Cowboys and Angels by Dustin Lynch. Just wow, I love this song a huge amount and something new pops out every time I listen to it. It actually made me cry the first time I heard it.
3. Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer. Everything about this song is perfect, absolutely everything. I could listen to it all day everyday if I didn't think it would put me in a weird mood. It is beautiful and her voice is great for it and it is just... it just is.
4. Check Yes or No by George Strait. It would be so easy to make a list of just country songs, but I'll do my best to vary the selection. This song has a special place in my heart, it was always on the radio when I was a kid so it makes me practically giddy to hear it. I would sing this one at the top of my lungs and it reminds me of perfect days in the car with my family going on some adventure with the sun on my face, wind blowing, and a smile stretching from ear to ear.
5. While this is not a song, it is my favorite... track. I guess you could call it that. A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me. Watch it. Fall in love with it. Let it change you.

I feel like that is enough for tonight. Let this month be different. Do something that scares you. My scripture bookmark says:

Maybe there's something you're afraid to say, 

or someone you're afraid to love, 

or somewhere you're afraid to go. 

It's gonna hurt. 

It's gonna hurt because it matters. ---John Green

Let the design in the stars be the same in the rebuilt machinery of your hearts. Let November be a month where you allow yourself to change or do something different.