Next Stop Everything

The title of this entry has many meanings. One: It is the name of a fantastic song from my favorite tv series "Doctor Who". Two: I'm applying to college and will be off soon, therefore 'next stop everything'.

I'm looking at all these different colleges right now. But I just worked on my BYU app and am almost done with my USU app, so I had some free time. There are so many options. I was looking at American nursing schools in Paris, France. Or in Aberdeen and Dublin. What if...

I can't help but wonder what if. Is it just wistful thinking or is this a push to make a choice so far removed from everything else that it is actually a possibility? I don't know. My life has become so confusing lately that I honestly don't know what to think.

I was involved in the production of 'The Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr". I had a small part, but everyone who saw me said I was like this girl that I look up to greatly. And that was the best compliment! But now that it is over, I'm lost.

It's almost like I have a hole in my heart. It was my last production in theatre, probably ever. I won't act with those people again, or have the same experience. I have found that most friendships seem to grow exponentially when you are stranded at school together, till midnight, back stage at a drama production. SO many fun memories. And I will miss it.

There is magic in the theatre. And the theatre is magic.

It is my nirvana. To an extent. There is a certain beauty that comes with holding hands in a circle, surrounded by silence, while being bathed by the faint glow of work lights. Or the magic found in the tips of your fingers as you drag them in the dark with one hand on the black wall you used for so many performances and the other hand on the light linen of the sike.

The way our show was done, there was a corridor of sorts at the very back where no one could see you. Thats where the sike hung about a foot away from the wall. That is where it was quiet.

Now, if you haven't done theatre I probably sound ridiculous. But it's not. Mostly.

But it was a great show. It's getting late and I'm needing some warm apple sauce to try to combat the day.

I've got a fire on the soles of my feet

I keep starting posts but never finishing them. I wonder why...regardless I am convinced I will finish this one.

So, whats up? I feel like my blog is a friend that I haven't seen in a while. It's almost like it is awkward until we warm up to each other and can talk normally, you know? Well, hello blog! I've missed you.

Life has been so hectic recently that I don't know what to think about it. My grandpa had bypass surgery two weeks ago, and is still in the hospital. It just keeps getting worse, and it is strange for me. I don't feel it like how I think I should. Is there a right way to feel worry? I'm not like one of the girls in a movie where that is all they think about or they need to inhale sharply and sit on a couch and then break down into tears. No. For me it is more that I'll be really tired and then think of it and feel suddenly sad. But then it is gone. Like a wish on an eyelash.

Does that make me a bad person? I'm not sad like everyone else is. Am I wrong?

I wish I knew.

But besides that, senior year has been great in its own right! I've met a bunch of cool new people, been on some dates ;) and more. Haha. I keep getting the feeling that life has no where to go but up. And I'm going to run with that.

Honestly, whenever I'm outside and the stars are out I can't help but stop and stare. One morning, 'bout 5:50, I walk outside to my car and the moon is so bright you can see your shadow. The stars shine so bright that I feel sometimes that it is just for me because I'm the only one to notice. But I hope not.

Dear Blog, I hope we can become friends once more. We all have our awkward spells, see you soon!

I look up at the night, Planets are moving at the speed of light

I was just about to turn on the next episode of Bones, but I decided this would be more productive.

I'm really glad that I haven't posted anything recently because I have been in a horrible mood. It's been a really really hard couple of weeks. I have been so lost and disoriented that I've gotten close to giving up and giving in. But I haven't. I don't know where the strength came from, well I do, and I'd like to thank Mr. Alpha and Omega for that.

In the words of the immortal Cat Stevens: "I'm beat, I'm torn, shattered and tossed and worn, too shocking to see". Between school issues and more I've been flipped and turned upside down and all I've wanted to do is get my bearing. I'm the kind of person to keep problems inside because I don't want to burden anyone with them. I always feel that my issues are too trivial compared to most to merit verbalization. That's why I have this blog, sort of. It works.

But, I digress. Where I was going with the whole keeping things bottled up inside thing was that I'm ADD and having more than one thought or thing to worry about bouncing around in my head creates the feeling of complete and utter confusion and despair. I get overwhelmed very easily. So, with these problems I kept them inside and they just built upon each other until I was lost.

Then things would pick back up and I would be happy. Then right when I'd start to feel really good about something, it would shatter into pieces in my hands. Kind of like a reverse Midas touch sort of thing.

When there was no one in my life that stayed constant for a while and, as cheesy as this sounds, I'd befriend the stars. I have an aunt that I respect SO much, she is amazing, and she showed me Orion's belt. Now, ten something years later when I'm sitting on the roof of my car at my secret place and looking at the stars I see that and feel a comfort with it. It has been there and will continue to be.

Also, as it gets colder I begin to see the stars clearer. It's awesome as I get in the car to go to seminary to walk under that canopy of scintillating glamour. It's wonderful. I feel so small in comparison but not in a 'belittling' way. Oxymoronical I know. But stay with me here. It makes me feel small physically but gives me the impression that I am a part of something much bigger. I'm talking Inception scale. When I look at the stars, I feel like that girl. I am captain of my own destiny and can be whatever I want to be.

Thank you stars.

And goodnight.

Hitch a ride on the back of a butterfly

SOOOO. hi.

Life has been getting better. I've been sounding really depressed lately, and that's because there has been a whole bunch of stuff in my life, that I'd rather not elaborate on right now (if its killing you not to know, then text me or hit me up on skype). But let it be said, I'm feeling better. Life has "smoothed out" I guess you could say?

I'm feeling really chill right now. I'm jamming out to one of my favorite train songs (Get to me) while drinking Jones cream soda and writing this. *sigh* Life is good.

Don't you love when the night is full of electricity? It's almost as if you won't be able to get to sleep if you open your windows because of all the excitement in the air. It happens especially when the night is a blueish-indigo with clouds illuminated by the moon with the stars as a backdrop. You can feel everything buzzing with possibility and just life.

I don't know. The past few nights have been like that. What I really want to do is take the baby taylor (guitar), drive to one of the abandoned turn offs on loudoun county parkway, and just sit on the hood and sing. I could sing as loud as I want because I wouldn't disturb anyone with my horrible vocal sounds. :)

But, I like how peaceful that sounds. My dream car is a VW bus, and preferably one with a pop up top. Reason being: my dad lived in Wyoming for a bit of his life (he kind of lived everywhere) but he would drive out into yellowstone or something and would be in a field surrounded by buffalo just playing on his guitar.

Awesome.

I would go do it now...but I can't. Its past my curfew :P

I keep thinking I'm sleepy, until I look outside. Or put my head out. Then that 'energy force' flows right back in. The stars really are beautiful. That's another I like to do while lying on the hood of my car: look at the stars. They are so constant and hold so many connotations. You can never get tired of them.

One day they might twinkle with romance, or be alight with the promise of a new day, or be the friends that have always been there for you. Like thunderstorms.

My dad and I, when we lived in Spring Green, we used to sit out on the back porch and watch the thunder roll in. I was almost five and I loved watch the lightning sear a mark in the sky. It was so magical. We would sit there in silence and watch nature do its thing.

Years later, when I was in seventh and eighth grade, I lived overseas. We had two seasons: rainy and dry. During the rainy season I would go out onto our porch, this time by myself, and watch the rain and lightning. What was so amazing was that it was hot and the raindrops were warm. You could almost feel their presence without touching them. Almost as if they were delicate glass tears that would shatter if you even thought about touching them. And I cannot even begin to describe the thunder. It was simply breathtaking.

Well, that's all I have for today. It's not much, just me ranting about nonimportant things. I just love these nights.

Midas is King and he holds me so tight

Oh goodness.

Crazy couple of weeks. And let me just say now, that if you are reading this I'm sorry if I freaked you out at all. Don't worry because it's really nothing. And I would love to get at text from you at some point. But no worries.

...ANYWHO...

Senior year. It's insane. I don't really know why. Okay, so I do know why. I just don't want to admit it. I really don't get along with many people in school. And I'll just leave it there.

I get so many crazy things running through my head that I can't keep track of them all. I promise that I had a purpose when I started writing!! I just can't seem to remember.

So, I'll ramble.

It's been a reallllllly long day. Started out w/ seminary (which was funny), then I went to school and sat on the stage. I love to do that, just sit on an empty dark stage. Sometimes I turn the lights on to imagine that I am the star of the show and am actually decent at acting. But the stage is such a great place to ponder. It is deserted for one thing, no one is ever there. And it has life. Living, breathing life ingrained in its floorboards and curtains. Just by sitting there you take part in something that has been thousands of years in the making. You become part of something great. Something bigger than you are.

It's my perfect thinking space. It reminds me of everything I am, will be, and once was.

It's where I go now whenever I have a free moment. I just want to get away. This summer has made me into something. I don't know yet what that is, but I hope that I will in time. I feel like I have had a glimpse into my greatest potential and while I am at school, I can never reach it. There is no one there to help me achieve that. But it is high school right? One more year. One more year. That is the mantra that will help me survive.

I honestly think that I am a great oddity for my age. I get the feeling that I am an old soul in a young body. Typically it's the other way around. That merely adds to my differences.

Well, I've got to go.

Life.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe.

This is kind of how I'm feeling today. It's been a long couple of days. I'm sorry if you're reading this. It's completely pointless to you probably, but it helps me immensely. I needed it right now.

Hello Darkness, my old friend

It's one of those nights that I can't get to sleep, my mind is too busy. I don't know what to think.

It's beautiful outside. Solid eighty degrees w/ a breeze and enough clouds to highlight the moon but you can still see the stars. It's a lover's night. Or a thinker's night, or a dreamer's. It can be whatever it wants to be and won't be thought of differently.

I have had a crazy summer. It has truly been one of the best. I feel much more secure about so many of the good things I do. I have more confidence to be who I am, in my true form. And I feel like I will be accepted for it. It's a very freeing feeling.

But one thing about my summer I wish would happen is ... well ... I don't really want to say it. It's wishful thinking and is probably completely wrong. But, needless to say, my friend Bronwen and I have been wanting to do a double date thing. We have some stuff planned and it would be really fun! My problem is that I don't really have anyone to take. She knows people because she is social and everybody loves her. I'm sort of like that, but not with church people (because those are the people I'd want to bring). I know a lot out here, I'm just not really close enough to any of them to ask if they'd want to go on a date. I did meet one person that I would love to go on a date with, but he isn't here right now. The weird thing is that I feel like I connected with him on a much deeper level than most any person I know. It's weird and I haven't known him that long, but there it is.

Like I said, I can't sleep and I'm hoping that by writing this down, I'll be able to catch some z's tonight. I have this guy here that thinks he knows me...but he really doesn't. We watch the same movies. That's it. And honestly, I become good friends with someone if we have the same music, because music is really important to me. But not movies. Whatevs. And I have this friend that goes on dates with this guy, and I'm jealous. I wish I could do that. But I can't. And there really isn't anyone else out here that I'm interested in. Again, I know this sounds weird, and I'm sorry. You're probably not going to even read this. But if you do, understand that I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm just the kind of person that likes to say these things and hope you don't read this, but secretly I hope you do. Because it's something that I wouldn't say to your face right now. *sigh* this just sounds worse the more I talk.

Point is, I wish I knew you better and that you were here so we could talk. But thank you for everything and best of luck at college(: You can text me anytime! Or call. Haha