Hitch a ride on the back of a butterfly

SOOOO. hi.

Life has been getting better. I've been sounding really depressed lately, and that's because there has been a whole bunch of stuff in my life, that I'd rather not elaborate on right now (if its killing you not to know, then text me or hit me up on skype). But let it be said, I'm feeling better. Life has "smoothed out" I guess you could say?

I'm feeling really chill right now. I'm jamming out to one of my favorite train songs (Get to me) while drinking Jones cream soda and writing this. *sigh* Life is good.

Don't you love when the night is full of electricity? It's almost as if you won't be able to get to sleep if you open your windows because of all the excitement in the air. It happens especially when the night is a blueish-indigo with clouds illuminated by the moon with the stars as a backdrop. You can feel everything buzzing with possibility and just life.

I don't know. The past few nights have been like that. What I really want to do is take the baby taylor (guitar), drive to one of the abandoned turn offs on loudoun county parkway, and just sit on the hood and sing. I could sing as loud as I want because I wouldn't disturb anyone with my horrible vocal sounds. :)

But, I like how peaceful that sounds. My dream car is a VW bus, and preferably one with a pop up top. Reason being: my dad lived in Wyoming for a bit of his life (he kind of lived everywhere) but he would drive out into yellowstone or something and would be in a field surrounded by buffalo just playing on his guitar.

Awesome.

I would go do it now...but I can't. Its past my curfew :P

I keep thinking I'm sleepy, until I look outside. Or put my head out. Then that 'energy force' flows right back in. The stars really are beautiful. That's another I like to do while lying on the hood of my car: look at the stars. They are so constant and hold so many connotations. You can never get tired of them.

One day they might twinkle with romance, or be alight with the promise of a new day, or be the friends that have always been there for you. Like thunderstorms.

My dad and I, when we lived in Spring Green, we used to sit out on the back porch and watch the thunder roll in. I was almost five and I loved watch the lightning sear a mark in the sky. It was so magical. We would sit there in silence and watch nature do its thing.

Years later, when I was in seventh and eighth grade, I lived overseas. We had two seasons: rainy and dry. During the rainy season I would go out onto our porch, this time by myself, and watch the rain and lightning. What was so amazing was that it was hot and the raindrops were warm. You could almost feel their presence without touching them. Almost as if they were delicate glass tears that would shatter if you even thought about touching them. And I cannot even begin to describe the thunder. It was simply breathtaking.

Well, that's all I have for today. It's not much, just me ranting about nonimportant things. I just love these nights.

Midas is King and he holds me so tight

Oh goodness.

Crazy couple of weeks. And let me just say now, that if you are reading this I'm sorry if I freaked you out at all. Don't worry because it's really nothing. And I would love to get at text from you at some point. But no worries.

...ANYWHO...

Senior year. It's insane. I don't really know why. Okay, so I do know why. I just don't want to admit it. I really don't get along with many people in school. And I'll just leave it there.

I get so many crazy things running through my head that I can't keep track of them all. I promise that I had a purpose when I started writing!! I just can't seem to remember.

So, I'll ramble.

It's been a reallllllly long day. Started out w/ seminary (which was funny), then I went to school and sat on the stage. I love to do that, just sit on an empty dark stage. Sometimes I turn the lights on to imagine that I am the star of the show and am actually decent at acting. But the stage is such a great place to ponder. It is deserted for one thing, no one is ever there. And it has life. Living, breathing life ingrained in its floorboards and curtains. Just by sitting there you take part in something that has been thousands of years in the making. You become part of something great. Something bigger than you are.

It's my perfect thinking space. It reminds me of everything I am, will be, and once was.

It's where I go now whenever I have a free moment. I just want to get away. This summer has made me into something. I don't know yet what that is, but I hope that I will in time. I feel like I have had a glimpse into my greatest potential and while I am at school, I can never reach it. There is no one there to help me achieve that. But it is high school right? One more year. One more year. That is the mantra that will help me survive.

I honestly think that I am a great oddity for my age. I get the feeling that I am an old soul in a young body. Typically it's the other way around. That merely adds to my differences.

Well, I've got to go.

Life.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,

"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,

I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize,

Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss

"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,

"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."

Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,

But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in your hands,

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand.

and breathe, just breathe

woah breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe.

This is kind of how I'm feeling today. It's been a long couple of days. I'm sorry if you're reading this. It's completely pointless to you probably, but it helps me immensely. I needed it right now.

Hello Darkness, my old friend

It's one of those nights that I can't get to sleep, my mind is too busy. I don't know what to think.

It's beautiful outside. Solid eighty degrees w/ a breeze and enough clouds to highlight the moon but you can still see the stars. It's a lover's night. Or a thinker's night, or a dreamer's. It can be whatever it wants to be and won't be thought of differently.

I have had a crazy summer. It has truly been one of the best. I feel much more secure about so many of the good things I do. I have more confidence to be who I am, in my true form. And I feel like I will be accepted for it. It's a very freeing feeling.

But one thing about my summer I wish would happen is ... well ... I don't really want to say it. It's wishful thinking and is probably completely wrong. But, needless to say, my friend Bronwen and I have been wanting to do a double date thing. We have some stuff planned and it would be really fun! My problem is that I don't really have anyone to take. She knows people because she is social and everybody loves her. I'm sort of like that, but not with church people (because those are the people I'd want to bring). I know a lot out here, I'm just not really close enough to any of them to ask if they'd want to go on a date. I did meet one person that I would love to go on a date with, but he isn't here right now. The weird thing is that I feel like I connected with him on a much deeper level than most any person I know. It's weird and I haven't known him that long, but there it is.

Like I said, I can't sleep and I'm hoping that by writing this down, I'll be able to catch some z's tonight. I have this guy here that thinks he knows me...but he really doesn't. We watch the same movies. That's it. And honestly, I become good friends with someone if we have the same music, because music is really important to me. But not movies. Whatevs. And I have this friend that goes on dates with this guy, and I'm jealous. I wish I could do that. But I can't. And there really isn't anyone else out here that I'm interested in. Again, I know this sounds weird, and I'm sorry. You're probably not going to even read this. But if you do, understand that I'm not trying to be creepy. I'm just the kind of person that likes to say these things and hope you don't read this, but secretly I hope you do. Because it's something that I wouldn't say to your face right now. *sigh* this just sounds worse the more I talk.

Point is, I wish I knew you better and that you were here so we could talk. But thank you for everything and best of luck at college(: You can text me anytime! Or call. Haha

Life was easier when we were 3 feet tall

Wow. Life goes fast. I keep forgetting.

The reason I say that is we found a phone in our extra room that my mom had in Jakarta. It's one of the early motorola razors. My sister really wanted it because she doesn't actually have a phone. So she found the charger so we could use it. We turned it on today and found a bunch of pictures on it from there.

Now, bear with me here because I get slightly nostalgic when I think about my time overseas. But one of the reasons is that I don't have much to remember it by. We lost the majority of our pictures and I didn't keep a very good journal. Therefore, my memory is starting to fade.

It's hard because that was one of the biggest events in my life so far. I'd never had a best friend or really been accepted by people until I moved there. I'd moved to so many schools and stuff that Jakarta International School was the first school I'd been at for more than a year. I'd gone to a Catholic preschool, a different kindergarten, then I was homeschooled 1st-4th grade. Then I went to 5th grade, and then a new middle school and finally we moved to Jakarta.

I say all of that because life moves fast. I'm only seventeen and I acknowledge that and I know that things happen quickly. It may not seem so while you're in it. But it does. You look back and sometimes even regret blinking and missing that millisecond. Most people don't realize that until it's too late.

While we are so busy trying to grow up, we miss so much. You're only a kid once. You can be a 'grown up' forever. There is a song, Grow Down, and one of the lines goes like this: Life was easier when we were three feet tall. When you made mistakes you didn't have so far to fall. Problems are so far away, when you're so close to the ground. Why can't we all just grow down?

And I love that song, and that chorus in particular. (I also liked: planning for the future meant saturdays). It's so true that life seemed easier. Now I'm planning for college and such. It's a little scary. And I miss the days when I could run outside and play for hours on end with no real consequences, except maybe sunburn.

To close I guess, I'll just say that I might as well enjoy every minute I have. There will only be one August 4, 2010 in my life. And I'd like to remember it.

Should I just keep on chasing pavements?

I had something I wanted to say, and now that I'm at the computer I've forgotten. It reminds me of that line in Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy wanted to hear Elizabeth play the pianoforte and they had a small discussion resulting in her saying that neither of them performed for an audience and would not say anything that would not impress the whole room.

Obviously, I am not Elizabeth. But, I feel like writing. So I shall.

I'm in another one of my pathetically romantic moods. But I won't bore you with that.

I've been feeling kind of lame lately, for a plethra of reasons. And one night I was feeling particularly on the lame side of the cool spectrum and picked up my ipod. I hit shuffle (because I can never pick one song to listen to) and it went to Anything But Ordinary by Avril Lavigne. It was one of the old Avrils, not one where she is posing as a punky cheerleader.

That song has always been one of my favorites because I've always wanted to be Anything But Ordinary. I do that in my small little ways. Mostly it's just me being myself. And that's all anyone can ask for.

That's all I have for tonight, mostly because my sister and I are going to be watching Pushing Daisies (my new favorite show). Fare thee well.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Writing helps me think, and I really can't do anything else right now. I would write in my journal, but my hand moves to slowly to catch what I'm thinking.

I'm trying to think about how much I really want to write about me. My dreams, aspirations, etc. Some of it seems too silly to say, while there are some that are too heavy to post. And it's those thoughts and feelings I'm dealing with now. :P

The Earth really is a fragile place. But it is so...magical.

I can't help but feel the electricity in the air when I look out the window at night and see the vast expanse between land and the moon. The perspective it gives is refreshing. It reminds me that I am only a small being on the surface of the Earth, and even the planet itself is a pale, blue dot in the universe. And yet, I can still make a difference. I, the small little speck, have potential to be something great.

When I realize that, I can't help but find beauty in everything. For example, today I found the beauty in a raindrop. It was perfectly formed and looked like a small glass ornament. And I loved the splash it made as it hit the asphalt. Then how the street lights look on the pavement after a good storm. It seems to bring out colors that weren't there before.

But the strange thing is that with all this beauty and potential, there is so much sadness. I don't know anything that is more difficult to say than goodbye. Maybe it's because I've said so many. Or because the people I've said it to haven't been in my life for years now. I miss them, and sometimes it hurts.

That is life right? We make entrances and exits into others' lives and they do the same to our own. With so many friends graduating and moving on, I've started to think about this more and more. It's not that I'm sad. I understand that you are going off to bigger and better things, and I know that I'm going to be doing the exact same thing.

I just don't like being the one left behind. I don't like to be forgotten. Trust me, I've been in that position.

But, it's not even that. I just like change so much it frustrates me when I'm not the one changing. I'm so used to moving around and new schools and people, that I don't know what to do when I'm with the same people for more than a few years.

I have a friend, Ginger, that thinks like I do sometimes. We are old souls and do the things that people 20-30 years older than us do. We like to reflect on our lives and think about everything that's happened to us. It's like we're talking about "the good old days" when they really aren't old at all.

I can't help it sometimes. I just think. And writing helps me organize that. Oh look, we're back to the beginning, aren't we? Haha. It seems appropriate. And that is the end. My head has marginally cleared, and that's all I can ask for.