Kaleidoscope Heart

The moon is shining through my window onto my arm and it makes me feel so at home. I've downed a couple glasses of Cocacola, I am on episode seven of Deep Space Nine, and there is no sign of sleep in the next few hours.

What the fetch is exo-archaeology?

Moving on. Moonlight is so beautiful, isn't it? It does the same thing that rain and snow does, it almost exposes the nature of the true spirit of each person. When it shines on someone's face, truth becomes the only language that anyone can speak. Walking through heavy rain causes people to reveal their essential, transient beings. They make a conscious decision to become one of two people. One person would run through the rain, having raindrops fall into their eyes and sting and cause them to run faster and become annoyed with each and every drop that hits them. They are thinking ahead, to the party that night, the time they'll see someone that they think cares about the way they look, or how they have to change clothes because all they are wearing has become slightly damp.

The second person is the one who walks through the rain, every cell of their being rejoicing in the feeling of living that the falling droplets give. Exhilaration rushes through their veins as they take the time to simply live. They take that moment, those few minutes that will never occur again in all the history of the earth, and they make it count. They make it memorable. They could have let it go past and it would just become another rain, nothing remarkable about it at all. But they don't, they ask "why" in response to society's imposition of image and they tell society that it is wrong.

Okay, that may have been a little exaggerated, but bear with me as I learn to love language again. I've been reading too much Jack Kerouac. He tends to do the same thing. I want it to be known, I read On the Road before it was cool. Hipster for life.

There are so many different images of what I want to be. That is how I think, a lot of the time, in images. One of them is the writer sitting around a loft in New York writing a novel of some sort or another. Each stroke her fingers lends brilliance and eloquence to her plot. Nothing is silly and everything is just perfect. She is comfortable and all she needs is a cup of tea to keep her going.

Here is a very brief summary of things that I want/want to be like/etc. Just some thoughts. Enjoy. I'm going back to my Final Frontier.

So, Here We Go Bluebird

I wanted to title this after some lyric from Iris, but that seemed too cliche. Oh, if you have not noticed...all of these posts are named after song lyrics. Just FYI.

I am here to tell you that life is weird. Surprise, spoiler alert. It seems weird in middle school and high school. It doesn't stop evolving into something that is so strange you can't even recognize it as your own life anymore. It becomes something not your own and you see it from a third person point of view almost, until then something shakes you back into reality and out of the psychological disconnect that you are feeling.

Let your life breathe.

When you do not let it, it becomes this beast pacing inside of you making you anxious. That is what happened to me tonight.

I've forgotten that music can really and truly move me, and remind my soul of what is important. It had been so long since that happened, tonight was making up for all the lost time. There was a musical revue at my old high school. I've been back to visit twice and that is all I think I'll go back. They have their own lives, the teachers have moved on. I'll visit Mr. Richards and I think that is it. But anyways, so the musical revue was tonight and it was comprised of many different people singing many different songs. Duh. So there was this one woman who sang the song "Days of Plenty" from the musical Little Women. I just started to sob. It was as though something inside of me had exploded and the only way to keep my body from imploding into the hole was through crying. I was completely overwhelmed by emotions that came from every-which psychological direction.

Suddenly I was hit with the fact that everything in my past has happened. For some reason it has all felt like a dream recently, but tonight that changed. I was shocked with the feeling that came with acceptance of my past and realization of the uncertainty of my future. "There has to be meaning...so believe that she matters! and believe that she always will!" Those were the lyrics that really struck me. Something that I've been having trouble with lately is that my life has meaning and that I can change things. There have been so many times that I've thought that the world doesn't need someone as small as me. I have grand ideals, but most people do. I am lost in a sea of theoretics and dreams while I am not working to make them come true. Not because I don't want it bad enough, but because I don't know how to make those dreams come true.

Another strange feeling came from a song that a friend sang tonight. She graduated a while ago and when she sang, it reminded me of sitting backstage listening to her sing in Into the Woods. Her voice transported me back to a time that I have blocked out of my mind. It hurt to think about it, it hurt to think about that time. I don't entirely know why, but I know that it happened and I know that it touched me. I cried because things have changed and will never, ever go back. Why does this happen? Is everyone this unsure? Does change really feel this strange? I was honestly sitting there feeling like I was going insane. There were so many thoughts that I wasn't going to rule that option out.

I am going to miss my friends who are going on missions, I won't see them again for the most part. I'll get wedding invitations from them, maybe an email or two. But that part of my life is literally gone and scattered across the earth. Never to be reassembled again. I am missing some of them already because I keep wanting to talk to them but realize that I can't because they don't want to hear what I have to say because what they are doing is so much more important than any of my petty things.

I am scared for the future. I am scared that it isn't going to give me what I want. That I won't be able to have the life that I want and will be dissatisfied. I know that God is going to make it more than I could hope, I just hope that I can be fine with it. Prayers, scripture reading, and listening to General Authorities ought to fix that, right? Right!

Another thing, I HATE BEING A GIRL. I get all lonely sometimes and it sucks like nothing else. There are those times when you just need someone to give you a wonderfully tight hug and tell you that everything will be okay and that you are beautiful no matter what. That who ever it is cares for you and will because you are important to them. They actually care what you think. I like having someone there because they are there for cuddling and everything and it is just warm and beautiful. I have a friend that I saw tonight that would make a great romantic interest. I'm not saying that I'm interested in him, we're just friends. Legit, that's it. But his personality that is fun in such a way that everything would just be fun and cute and light. I love that! Nothing would be terribly awkward or heavy with emotion and thought. He would be thoughtful without being weird. I would love something like that. Please.

But alas and alack, I am alone and shall remain so. I bid you adieu for tonight, I'm going to go drown my feelings in coca-cola, cookies, and Deep Space Nine.

Meet Virginia

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: That last post royally sucked. My sincerest apologies. That last post sounded nothing like myself. It was bitter and cruel and I blame it on the sleep deprivation and the traveling. I was a tad bit angry at the world, specifically inhabitants of the world that are members of the opposite sex. Hence the biting words and sharp remarks. SO this will be much more me, I hope.

While on the public service announcement strain, Jacob you failed to address my brilliance in your post about people at college. Not a mention of a hipster anywhere. #disappointed.

Okay, well that settles it. Never doing hashmarks. Ever. Again.

Moving on.

Life is absolutely and utterly stupendous. I just got out of a steaming hot bath where I read one of my favorite books of all time (it was also a movie that has become a cult favorite from the eighties) and sipped on some peppermint tea. Right before that I made a homemade skin mask and ate some Toblerone. Completely fantastic. Plus, it has been nice out. Not too hot and not too cold. Maybe a little rainy, but not too shabby Virginia! I've been able to go out and hit the trails for some fun.

Along with all of that, I've gotten my first paycheck. Not the very first, don't you worry. But I recently received my first paycheck from my new job. I now work at an Indian restaurant. I'm a waitress and I am loving it! Seriously, I am convinced that I have the best job ever. I am the only caucasian american there. Three of the staff are from India, three from Nepal, one from Honduras, and one from Singapore. And only 4 of them speak English with any sort of skill (as in putting words in a logical order). It is one of the best things because I get to bring home various curries with naan and also I get to be with people. And people, may I add, are hysterical. Not just the people I work with, but the customers now. But one of my coworkers said the other day (as he went to go grab some rice for a customer) "I will be back in a stone's throw!" Now, I understand what you were trying to say, it just did not come out the way I think you meant it to...

Another great quote is to this man that has been dubbed "the most interesting man you will ever meet". I told him that I knew how to do this one task and to not worry, and in his thick Indian accent he replied "I will not." I almost died. I'm thinking in Indian accents now. It makes it very difficult to sing hymns in church because somehow I lose the spirit as I picture "While of These Emblems We Partake" in a bollywood sort of setting. Not sure how that happens...

I also want to talk a little bit about what I wrote about in that last, horrible post. So, that is a lie about all that crap about knowing people and shiz. Alright, it is true that I don't open up to people. I just don't. Unless...well there is no unless yet because there is no exception to that really. When there is, I'll let you know. But if you know even a little bit about me, then that means I think you're cool. If you know more than just a little bit about me, then we're definitely friends. I trust you then. Don't go throwing that away. I don't just throw things like that away and it is something that takes effort on my part. The whole extending of my life to you. Embrace it. And if you do so, I thank you. You shall be greatly rewarded...I'll think of something.

Well, my mind is shutting down at an alarmingly fast rate so I bid you farewell before anything bad happens. Adieu

On the highway of regrets

The rest of that line goes like this: though winds of change are throwing wild and free, you ain't see nothin' like me yet. I'm not regretting anything right now, quite the opposite. But the winds of change blow me right down that road and onwards past 'regrets' to the 'not yets'.

Dear rain, help me write this. I keep starting it wrong, but maybe I'll get it right with the rain's help. Where am I supposed to go with this?

A thought that I wanted to get down a little while ago (being Saturday), was that there is no better feeling than knowing you are becoming the person that you have always wanted to be. That was me on Saturday. The whole week had been building up to it I guess, but the plane ride had made it all sink it. I was sitting on the plane to Denver and I had an Outside Magazine and a travel magazine in my hand and then my one suitcase in the other. I smelled like fire and my hair was crazy. I thought, "This is exactly where I want to be." There have been times in my life where I haven't liked where I've been. But that wasn't one of those times. That week I had finished finals, packed, gone up to a friends cabin, jumped in a lake covered in ice, hiked, stayed up for almost 40 hours, had a couple of bonfires, watched the stars with some of my favorite people, and I had not completely broken down into a sobbing ball of emotional wreckage. Success! I can honestly say that it was one of the best weeks ever. And looking back on it, I was really pretty proud.

Something else that really did make my week came out of conversations that were had with various people about first impressions and final thoughts before we all left. I heard some things about me that really made me feel amazing. "Grounded", "down-to-earth", "the next gandhi", "grandmother willow", etc. were some of the ways that I was described. There were a couple of people that told me to send them postcards of all the places that I visit while they are gone. Most of the girls were instructed to send out wedding invitations. But for me it was travel photographs and postcards! There is nothing that I would want more. I am becoming like those people that I look up to, I am becoming the person that I have read about, I am becoming someone that I would want to emulate. I am becoming someone to be proud of. I am becoming me. And that is so incredible to me.

My soul is finding a place worthy of itself.

WARNING. I am feeling like this will be a long night. I'll try to break it up, but I have a feeling that this will be a really long entry. Endure or don't. It doesn't matter to me. But you'll be getting a lot of honesty and brain leakage on the rest of this post. Most likely, this will turn out slightly embarrassing on my part, but really, do I care? Nope!

Let the slaughter begin.

Okay. Let us cover one topic really quick. I do not let people in. As they say in one of my favorite movies, the eyes are the windows to the soul. But mine are more like steel-reinforced security doors with a combination that has yet to be cracked. I am a lone reed. And I am happy that way. Just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am lonely. I've really opened up to one person, and that is one of my best friends in the world and she is the exact same way that I am. We understand each other and are basically kindred spirits. Have there been guys that I've opened up to? I can count two. And I can almost guarantee that if you are reading this, it is not you. Although ... it might be. Not entirely sure.

I don't open up. That is the point of that little schpeel. You have to ask questions. You have to dig. You have to actually care about the answers to get ones that I care about. "I won't let you close enough to hurt me" if I don't think that you're worthy. In order to get to that point, you have to hang in for quite a ways. Either that, or know what to ask and how to do so. But let me clue you in on a little secret of mine...I know how to get people to feel comfortable enough to open up while I am able to stay nice and comfortable in my triple layer steel safe. I love to hear about other people. I love to get them to be honest and real with me. That is the only way that I can really interact with them. But they don't always notice that I haven't talked about myself. There are plenty of those people who never ask questions. Sometimes I'll be open to stuff, but they'll shut me down so fast because I'll start talking and they interrupt with something completely irrelevant. Yep, not listening. Usually they'll apologize for being to vague and stuff. "I'm sorry that I was so vague about this but...." And then I hear the reason. The thing is, I don't know why you are apologizing. I was vague. Did I touch on ANY specifics?! Noooooope. Do you know anything about my life?! No. Then what are you apologizing for? Stop. When you actually get to know me and care about me, yeah okay then apologize. But I won't let you close until you let me close and I know that you wouldn't hurt me. Those people are few and far between because human nature is fickle and changing. People have so many different motives that they cannot be trusted. And yet man is so beautiful. We are, ourselves, walking contradictions.

I've spent the last little while uploading tracks on 8Tracks.com if you want to check them out here. Enjoy some of the stuff I've got up.

I keep starting stuff but ending it because it doesn't feel like it is what I need to write. I want to write about last year, but some of it I just want to write for shock value. Which is never a good reason to write something. I've got a book that I'm actually working on, message me if you want to hear more about it.... But I might go and write a bit in that. Either that or read a book. I have time to read now! Crazy, I know. But I've got so much time that I don't know what to do with it. I'll go work out tomorrow and I'll become an active girl over this summer. I'll work out and I'll be outside everyday if I can. I need to move, need work, I need a place to just do something because if I don't then I think I'll go crazy. I've written what I need to for this post. But trust me, I'll be back soon enough with some good material.

Send Me the Moon

It is one in the morning and my mind could not be racing any faster. Tonight appears to be just one of those nights where I feel like I have downed the energizer bunny, but I haven't had anything that should make me this way. Dearest Adele, tonight you speak the words that I wish I could. "One and Only" is kind of my jam right now, and not for the reasons you're thinking of. It is because this girl in my voice class from Zimbabwe sang it yesterday for her final and she rocked it. Soul and all, she had it. I loved it and I've been listening to it since. I want to post all the lyrics, but I feel like that would be a tad bit obnoxious. Favorite line for some reason:

You never know if you never try to forgive your past and simply be mine.

Honestly, if I was ever in a relationship (crazy, I know.) I would be the one who has to forgive their past. I was talking about this with a friend the other night while we were sitting up in a tree. We talked about their life and then we talked about mine. I realized through the course of the discussion that I am super afraid of commitment. Surprise! Didn't see that one coming. But I never really realized why. It is because I have never really felt worthy of anything like that from anyone. I am sure that you have never felt that because if you are reading this blog, you are automatically beautiful/handsome and an 11ty hundred on a cool factor scale of one to ten.

I realized that I just never feel good enough for anyone to be interested in me. Whenever someone is, I am always surprised because I just don't see it. I'm interesting to me and that is all that I need. I have never allowed myself to become dependent in anyway on another human being. Except my parents. I just cannot bring myself to open up and unload on someone. Part of the reason I think is because no one has ever given me the chance. When one person did, I shot that gift horse in the mouth and now they are just "somebody that I used to know". I can have people unload to me, and quite honestly I love it when they do. I love seeing a side of a person that is so incredibly and elementally themselves. When they talk about things deeper than school and such, I get to see who they are when they are alone. Who they are when they pray. Who they are in the raw core. The raw and pure element that makes up their character is exposed and I get to see it for what it truly is. Which is beautiful to me.

I just don't give other people that opportunity to get to know me. Okay, there was one time that I tried but I don't know why I did. That is a situation that is still partially confusing. I think of the people in my ward and they all have little bits of Emily Truth. They each have a piece of the proverbial thousand piece jigsaw puzzle. Cheesy, but it gets the job done.

The other night I was sitting on the fire escape and writing. Sometimes I just get this driving need to write down my silly incandescent thoughts and that was one of those nights. The way that the moon was hung among the freckled stars was just absolutely breathtaking. Especially because the moon was in the middle of the sky and the light from it lit up a cloud behind the mountain and created this beautiful, purple image. But I was sitting there and writing and I just wanted someone, almost anyone, to come and interrupt me and see me in my pure form. Times like that I let down all walls and become me. Completely who I am inside. Not many people know that. Many of those thoughts end up on here and so if you read this, you have some idea. Treasure it well because I don't give it to many people.

Anyways, going back to the beginning of the stream of consciousness...I just never think that it could be me. There is no way that I could be the person that you think about more than others. I'm not saying that I'm the one you fall asleep thinking of or anything like that. But just the fact that someone thinks of me is weird. I can't believe it. Partly because it isn't true. But also because I just can't see why. There are so many prettier, skinnier, smarter, curvier, musical, and religious girls out there that I could not be picked because I am not great in any sense of the word. Please, don't think that I am beating down on myself. I have a great reserve of self confidence. I love who I am. It is just hard to see that someone else would.

I am so tired right now, it is crazy. This is going to be an insane week. I'll try to post some more over this next week. I'm sure that I will because I'll want a distraction from finals. I've already packed a bit and so now I just have to study...YES.

Have a loverly night. Peace and Blessings. See you soon. And I'll leave you with this wonderful song and an equally wonderful video.

Barefoot Blue Jean Night

While I don't listen to country that much, I keep listening to this song. I know I should be in bed right now, 8 AM classes are terribly merciful. Although they suck whether you get eight hours of sleep, or five. So I'll just keep doing this.

The weather out here has been absolutely beautiful, every night has been a barefoot blue jean night. With me playing guitar by myself and not staying up to the crack of dawn with anyone. But I have been enjoying it regardless.

These past few nights have been especially ... interesting. Maybe the estrogen levels all over campus have raised, but love is in the air. Not like that, just the thought of love. And I hate it. I hate when I get in these moods. It sucks. Being a girl sucks sometimes. And what sucks is that I like it. My roommates and I have been feeling the same way..GAH. So frustrating. I just keep thinking about... well. Don't worry about that specifically. It is just very annoying. And irrational.

There is so much I want to write about. But nope. Tonight is not the night. Right now I just need to write. I haven't written in such a long time. This feels really good. I've got the lights turned down, good music playing, and the cool night breeze blowing on my neck. All in all, life is good. I should be really grateful for all the things that I have. The stars are bright, the moon has been even brighter. There really is nothing like seeing the bright, full moon shining behind the mountains and illuminating them. Truly breathtaking.

This type of weather is the kind that makes me appreciate a lot of things. The way the grass is cool on my skin as I lay in it. The sun and the way it feels to get too warm in it. Feet on the sand and the way your body reacts different physically when you run in it. The sound of feet hitting the pavement. The sound that bare feet make on the pavement. Feeling a little bit too cold in shorts and a t-shirt because you are in the shade, but not wanting to get up because it feels absolutely fantastic regardless. Feeling your shirt move when you lay in the sun and feeling that warm cloth shift. The leaves feel different as you run your hands through them. The branches feel softer and more alive. The entire world is waking up and stretching. If you do not let yourself become a part of that stretching, then you are missing out on the expanding experience that it is. There is so much to learn from all of that, it makes me so sad because so many people turn a blind eye to it. It is just another season. Yes, but that does not make it any less significant. Enjoy every moment of it. Breathe in deeply every time that you can. Feel that air fill your lungs and make you whole. Feel that earth beneath your feet.

That isn't where I was thinking about going for this post, but there it is! Things just flow sometimes. I don't usually know where they are taking me, but I always end up somewhere. Like here. I would talk more about boys and such (these past two days have completely revolved around them.), but I don't think that you want to read about that. Honestly, I don't think about it that much. But when I do, I blog about it. And that is then what you read. I am very sorry that you have to put up with my feminine rantings. They can become fairly repetitive.

I'll leave you with this song. It kind of reminds me of those summer nights where it is a little cold, enough to give you shivers, but not enough to close the window and shut off the breeze. Those nights where you have someone to think about and they make you come alive. The world is alive, you are alive, and you are just waiting for the opportunity to burst into that new found power. The breeze rejuvenates you and makes everything clear, cool, and perfect. You are so optimistic. You are so full of the beauty of the world all around you. The cold side of the pillow is even something that makes you feel more like yourself. Taking your socks off in bed and feeling the covers push against your toes and all that it makes you feel. Enjoy the little things. A well draped cotton shirt that feels good. The bit of sand that gets between your foot and your flip flop. A good smile. A kind hello. People who like you for who you are. You are made for hot summer days, but also for those perfect, cool summer nights. Spring nights are almost as good. Nothing beats the smell of possibility that seems to hang in spring air like fog. It is really beautiful. As a kid, I would always be awake during these nights. My sister would be asleep. I would open up the blinds and let the moon rays fall on me. I'd watch the way the lights hit cars that drove by. The best was when it was right after a rain. It'd be one in the morning and the lights and the moon would make the street look like something Monet created in the deep recesses of his mind. I loved it. I'd make myself a cup of tea sometimes and just sit and watch. I did that a little while ago here, and it was just as good.

I'm No Sailor, I Want to Rock the Boat

This song makes me so happy. It makes me want to jump up and down singing into a hairbrush. Let it be known that there are very few songs that make me feel like that. Here is the comprehensive list:

Risky Business Redux from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

And that is my list. All of those plus blue hair. That is how big of a deal that song is to me now. It is way up there. I sing along to a lot of songs, but I don't jam out with hairbrushes and stuff all the time. I am one of the few people in my ward that knows how to dye their own hair. I'm actually thinking about going blonde again soon. Not white, but lighter. I like it. Maybe red again, who knows?

But I love the rebellion that is in that song. She is not rebelling against anyone and it is not really on a super deep level. She is simply doing it because she can and it would be fun. She likes it and there is no law saying that she can't do it, so why not? I covered my entire room in photographs that I have taken. Plenty of people have asked my 'why'. I just tell them it's because I like pictures and I could do it. Why do I do a lot of things? Because I can. Because the opportunity is there and I would be a fool not to seize it and find something out about myself.

There are so many things that people don't do because they are afraid. They are afraid of the opinions of other people, or the fear of the unknown, or the fear of allowing themselves to do something out of character and that they might like it and have to redefine themselves. The thing is, other people don't give a crap what you do. Maybe they will think you are weird, but there is always a good amount of people that will think whatever you did was cool or have already done that. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." 

 The unknown is a beautiful thing and that is the only way you can do anything in the world now. So much is known that when you find something that is unknown, you have to seize it and do all that you can do make the most of that chance. The unknown is a transient, beautiful entity and can change your life for the better if you let it. It has done that to mine.

Finally, don't be afraid of yourself. Who said that you had to be true to the image that people see of you? That doesn't mean look like a goody-two-shoes and act like a harlot. What it means is that you can't let other people define you. You define you. Other people see an image but they don't know the story behind it or the dried paint layers lying beneath the facade that makes it what it is today. Do NOT let other people tell you who you are and how you are defined. You are your own beautiful celestial spirit. You have a light that can only shine out of your unique eyes.

That is why I like "Blue Hair".

I'm in the mood to just create playlists tonight. So here are a few random ones that I just felt like coming up with. I blame Nick for getting me started on this.

Here is my "Life" mixtape:

LIFE from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

Here is my "Thinking about a boy that I used to know" mix tape.

Songs about a silly kid from oldworldtraveler on 8tracks.

That's all I've got tonight. I need to hit the hay because I'm getting up early and I didn't get home until after one last night. Yeah, crazy night. It was great.